First Heartbreak

Days passed by so fast and everything seems normal. I'm been very busy because our exam is coming. So I have to concentrate on my exams. I cannot fail so I need to set aside my personal agenda and focused on my study.

I would be lying if I will say that I don't think about John anymore. I still think of him most of the time but I always told myself to focus on my priorities. One this prelim exam will be over then I will habe all the time to focus my attention to him.

I still see him three times a week but sometimes everyday since our classes are always on the same building. I always act normal when his around. Stealing glances at him was always been my habit. I think, that would be my habit forever. Of course I still feel giddy when I see him. When I bumped into his friends along with him and they teased me to him, no matter how I tried to keep my emotions calm and act as if I'm not affected but I just can't hide it. I always blush and I bet they already know that I like him. And John, he just always smile and I don't even know what's inside his head. Maybe he just go with the flow. The fact that he always smile when his friends teased him, it gives me a little hope that maybe, just maybe. He like me too? I was really hoping and this wishful thinking that one day, we have the same feelings. I know it's like hitting the moon but I can't help it. I am a normal person who fell in love.

Our exam was done and I felt happy that I did well. My scores are not that high but I passed all the subjects. I am currently in the library with Mych and Thon. We are looking for a book for our assignment in Differential Equations that our professor gave before our prelim exam. We were talking about the results of our exams and we're glad that the three of us passed all the subjects. When we found the book, we looked for a seat and started our doing our assignment.

"Pauline, I have something to tell you", Mych said which made me stop writing. I put my pen down and look at her waiting for her to continue. "I saw John this morning", she continued. "I saw him too", Thon said. "Where?", I looked at them both. Well, I haven't see him today yet. It's Thurday today so there's no chance that we will be in the same room. I didn't see him in the computer engineering building as well.

They looked at me and I feel like they want to say something but they are hesitating and it made me curious. "I saw him this morning when I happen to pass at the bench beside our building. I was going to the canteen to buy something", Thon said. "I saw him at the bench too", Mych added. I'm starting to get more curious about their statements. What's wrong with them seeing him? We have the same building, and we are on the same school. Not to mention, we have the same course. So it's a normal thing that we will be seeing him more often.

The next thing that Mych said, shocked me. "He was with a girl and they are kinda sweet and they are laughing", Mych added. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I'm still processing what she said. I didn't know that I've been holding my breath for a couple of seconds already. What I know now is, O feel ab ache inside my chest. Even if I didn't see it with my two eyes but still it hurts. I wanted to cry so bad but I don't want to create a scene inside the library. I just bow my head a little trying to hide the pain that I'm feeling right now. I took a deep breath and compose myself and look at Mych, trying to fake a smile and said, "It's okay, I don't have control over it". Mych and Thon simply nod and I know that they saw the pain in my eyes.

Damn it. It hurts.

"Let's go to the canteen and buy ice cream", Thon said which made me look at him. I really wanted to eat ice cream now. I smiled to him, a kind of smile that could not reach my eyes and nod at him. I know he is just trying to lighten up the mood and cheer me up. In times like this, I'm just so thankful having them both. I don't know what I will do without them. We picked our things and put it inside our bag and went out.

We were talking while walking. They are avoiding the topic about John which I'm thankful about. I laughed at them until we reached the canteen.

We bought chocolate ice cream in a cone. Ice cream really makes me happy. I can eat it all day. And somewhat it made me forget about my bleeding heart even just for a while. We also bought fries because it is best paired with ice cream. Call me weird but I dip the fries in my ice cream. I just find ice cream and fries as a perfect pair. Thinking about perfect pair, I can't help but think about John again. We could've been a perfect pair, I told myself but I don't think that's not gonna happen. What Mych and Thon saw today could be one of the reason that it wont happen.

"Are you okay?", Mych suddenly asked. She might have noticed that I'm spacing out again. "Yeah", I said and continue eating my ice cream and fries. I looked at my watch and we only have twenty minutest til' our next class. After we finished eating, we went to our next class.

Time pass by like a blur and our classes for the day were done. I fixed my things and went out of the room with Mych and Thon beside me. "See you tomorrow", they both said. I smile at both of them and wave them goodbye.

I felt a sigh of relief while walking going to the back gate. A lot of things happened today and I don't want to remember some of them especially the part about John. I didn't see him today which add the weight of my bleeding heart. Well I am thankful that I didn't see him like what Mych and Thon saw. I might break down and cry in front of him and I don't want to embarass myself.

Someone called me while I am walking which made be back to reality. It's Christine, one of my classmates from my minor class. She is not a computer engineering student. She took up Industrial Engineering. "Hi", she said.

I smiled and say "hi" to her too. "Going home", she added. I nodded. "You?", I asked her. "I still have one subject", she said. After a short chitchat, we bid our goodbye.

I continue walking and I'm almost at the back gate when my eyes caught someone.

My heart sank when I recognize the guy. It's John. He is with a girl. They seem happy. They are lauhing. His one hand is on her shoulder and he is smiling sweetly to her.

A lone tear escape from my eyes with what I saw. I walked faster avoiding him to see me. I looked down trying my very best not to cry my heart out and break down. When they passed me, I can't control my emotions anymore. I sobbed hard. Some people look at me but I don't mind them. All I know now is I'm hurt. My world just seem to crushed. I know I don't have the right to feel this way but I can't control my heart. I immediately ride the jeepney and sit at the corner.

My tears are still falling. I wipe my tears but they keep on falling.

I never knew it would feel this way. The pain is just too much for me to handle.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm broken.

And now, I am dealing with my first heartbreak.

I cried myself to sleep.