9 Fuck.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my original characters and works, if you recognise it from somewhere else, surprise it isn't mine.

Betad by morde24, Atrius, Hermes, Priapus, Marethyu, Old man of the mountain, TheDonFluffles, SkyCaptain502 and Mike, God of Lore

The Guild of Gamers: The Vampire

Chapter 09: Fuck.

— Raven —

Riverwood isn't going to be enough. It's a good starting point, but if I truly want to become the new ruler of Skyrim, either as High Queen or by becoming the power behind the throne, I'll need a lot more support than just one small village.

With my idea of claiming Embershard mine, Riverwood just became more important, especially with a war on. It's only iron, but iron and steel weapons make up the majority of what both armies use, so a functioning and bountiful iron mine makes Riverwood much more important.

I'll need to get Jarl Balgruuf to send some more guards for it when I get to Whiterun, but that shouldn't be a problem since Riverwood is under his control, and he'll see the benefits of having a flourishing iron mine in his domain.

Riverwood is essentially under my control at this point even if people don't realise it, as Gerdur, Alvor and Sigrid are charmed. I could talk them into anything and they're the key figures in this village.

I suppose Delphine is another, but I'm not going near her. I don't plan to mess with a member of the Blades until I'm much stronger.

The only key figure in the village who isn't charmed is Lucan, and that'll solve itself sooner rather than later as I walk up the mountain towards Bleak Fall Barrows.

Lucan is going to be a tool in my arsenal, whether he knows it or not, because any conquest is going to require money and connections, which I currently do not have.

Fen is with me, and Anise is riding on his back. Salonia moved into my new house and has no interest in going on a little adventure, but that's not what I want her for.

She's smart, good with numbers and all those boring things I don't want to bother with. She already negotiated with Lucan to get me a cut of the rotten vegetables he sells to the villagers when someone is in the stockade.

My little public discipline idea went well, and while the men were let go after the first night and have been recruited to work the mines, the girl's crimes were far worse, given that she actually tried to kill someone.

Plus, there was a drunken brawl at the Sleeping Giant inn last night and the drunks were also put in the stockade, public shaming is an effective punishment, and it means the few guards Riverwood has don't need to lug any minor criminals all the way to Whiterun.

"There are some bandits in that tower," I say, making Anise pause as she squints, barely able to see through the snow. It's daytime but thanks to Skyrim's lovely weather, there's no real sunlight getting through the thick cloud cover at the moment.

"How should we do this?" Anise asks, not doubting my words, well aware that my hearing and sense of smell far exceed her own.

"I'll take them out, there aren't enough for them to actually pose a threat," I say with a cocky smile, which isn't undeserved since if they don't have enchanted or silver weapons they can't actually seriously hurt me.

I asked around, and Alvor and the local guards seemed amused at the idea of bandits having enchanted weapons, apparently it's a ridiculous idea and bandits usually have crappy pilfered gear.

The chief might have an enchanted weapon, maybe, since they'll have claimed the best gear, but the rest of the bandits will have basic bitch gear, that probably hasn't even been maintained so it'll be rusty.

Dashing forwards, I smile at how little sound I make as I close the distance between us and the tower, the single bandit leaning against the tree watching the path barely having time to even widen his eyes before I'm upon him.

The minor blizzard is fucking with their vision far more than it is mine, and by the time he saw me coming it was far too late. He doesn't even manage to reach for his axe before I pin him against the same tree, my teeth biting into his neck.

Normally when I feed I'm gentle. I've fed off Gerdur, Sigrid, Carmilla and Dorthe while in Riverwood—I prefer female blood as it tastes sweeter. Anise has offered to let me drink from her as well, but her connection to Sanguine makes her blood an aphrodisiac and neither of us needs me hornier than usual.

This time I'm not gentle, ripping his throat out without hesitation as my hand muffles his mouth, an attempt at a scream being cut off as he falls to the floor, my face coated in blood.

He's not dead, not yet, but he soon will be, and I head into the tower to find his friends. The second bandit doesn't even see me coming, my dagger piercing his chest as I bite into his neck, drinking my fill.

The third bandit isn't so oblivious, and while I'm not sure what alerted him, he comes charging down the stairs with his battle axe in hand.

Spotting me wiping the blood from my mouth, his eyes widen in shock and horror, a shout of 'vampire' making me smile at him playfully.

The orc hesitates for a moment before he charges me, but running down the stairs is a dangerous thing you know?

An Eldritch blast strikes his leg, knocking it back as I watch him tumble down the tower stairs, amused as he lands on the axe he'd been intending to cut me down with, but orcish endurance is an impressive thing, and he coughs up blood, rising to one knee as he pulls his own axe out of his lower chest, leaving a nasty gash.

He's bleeding heavily, but credit where it is due, he charges at me once more, swinging with all his might.

But strength without finesse isn't particularly dangerous, and I sidestep his wild swing, revelling in the power my vampiric nature gives me. My reflexes are insane, and he might as well have been moving in slow motion for all the threat he posed to me.

Kicking him directly on his wound, I send him flying back into the tower wall, falling to one knee again with a grunt of pain.

Looking up, he barely has time to widen his eyes as he sees his own axe flying towards him, and then it's over, the axe embedded in his head.

"Had fun?" Anise asks, poking her head through the tower door as she watches me finish wiping my mouth clean.

"Yup, vampirism might have its downsides but by the gods do I feel powerful," I admit, grabbing the second one I fed on then carrying him outside and tossing him towards Fen.

The bite mark on his neck is very apparent, but that changes quickly as Fen tears off his head and swallows it whole.

It's hard to work out that a vampire killed someone when they've been mauled beyond recognition by a hungry Direwolf.

Anise doesn't even flinch at the brutal sight, which makes me more convinced she's a suitable fit for my party as she calmly loots the bodies like a true adventurer.

"A good start, but how many bandits do the locals think are hiding in the barrow?" Anise asks, making me shrug.

"Somewhere around a dozen, maybe more, the guards weren't sure," I say, I did my part as the protagonist and asked all the important questions before I set off on my adventure.

In the game, there really weren't that many. Three outside the dungeon, two at the campfire inside, one who dies to a trap and then the guy with the golden claw if I remember right, but I can't rely on game knowledge given the changes I've already seen, goblins and drow to begin with.

Realistically, I don't need to go into the draugr-infested part of the dungeon, since I don't need the dragonstone and I can't use the word wall, but I do like treasure so I'll be going to the end.

I want to see how strong draugr are anyway, but unfortunately, Fen isn't going to be able to follow us, as he's just too big.

I swear he's getting bigger, easily the size of the biggest horses I've seen, there's no way he could easily fit inside a dungeon, he'd get stuck anytime there was a doorway.

Fortunately, he can still be helpful as we reach the entrance to the barrow, Fen charging forwards as Anise casts… something.

I need to get better at recognising spells since they're the biggest threat to me, but I don't need to guess what this one does as one of the five bandits I can see turns and swings his sword at the archer standing next to him.

Fen is brutality incarnate, the first bandit doesn't even have time to scream as Fen descends upon him, his massive maw biting into the man's shoulder, thick claws shredding the fur armour.

An arrow pierces Fen's hide while he feasts, but I don't think the archer really considered his actions as Fen's head snaps towards the direction the arrow came from.

You shouldn't interrupt a dire wolf's meal, and as he charges towards the archer she only manages to fire a second arrow, this one barely scratching him as Fen moves to the side at the last minute before he pounces.

Sucks to be her, and deciding to get involved myself I simply toss a magic missile towards the last two, the one Anise has mind-fucked fighting another of his fellow bandits.

The orbs of blue light strike the befuddled bandit in the back, slamming into him with surprising force as his guard is lowered enough for his friend to slash at him.

The final bandit looks around, seeing two mages and a massive wolf before he does the smart thing and turns to run.

I'm faster.

— Anise —

Raven was a brutal predator, but that was to be expected of a vampire, and the final bandit hadn't made it halfway to the entrance before she was upon him.

She was fast and very strong, stronger than any fledgling vampire should be. Vampires get stronger with age, and Raven was apparently new to this, but she was too strong.

She was suspicious of how Raven was so strong, but what made Raven so special that she would have a blessing from both Molag Bal and Sanguine?

"That's everyone outside, I can't hear any movement inside, they don't know we're coming," Raven said with a smile, once again wiping the blood from her face.

She clearly loved the hunt, thriving as a vampire, and while Anise truly didn't care about Raven's brutality, since the people of Skyrim deserved to be preyed upon, she'd need to try to stop Raven from going too far. She couldn't make Raven into the hero if Raven got exposed as the monster she truly was.

She intended to make sure her name went down in history as an excellent bard, and what bard didn't… twist the truth a little?

People didn't need to know Raven was a monster, and even if she got discovered as a vampire, she'd just have to make her seem like a poor cursed figure that was fighting her baser urges and using her accursed powers for good.

"A good start, Riverwood will breathe a sigh of relief with these bastards dead," Anise said, making Raven smile.

"Fen, we're heading inside. Watch the door, don't let anyone enter or leave," Raven ordered, making Fenrir give off a low-pitched sound as he picked up the bandit he was eating and carried it up to the door, laying down just in front of it. "Come on, Anise, we've got work to do."

Nodding, she followed behind Raven as they reached the door, opening it up. Raven made very little sound when she moved, and Anise tried to copy her but her own footsteps were much more noticeable.

"Two bandits up ahead," Raven whispered, making her pause as she peered around one of the pillars in the spacious room.

Just as she said, two bandits sat around a small fire, bedrolls arranged around it.

"I'll handle them," Anise said. If Raven was as ruthless as she suspected, she needed to prove to Raven that she was worth keeping around, as more than just a midnight snack or bed-warmer.

Whispering something, she smiled as the pair of bandits stopped talking, both collapsing to the ground as they fell asleep.

Sleep was an old favourite of hers. Why fight your enemies when you can just send them to dreamland (then slit their throats).

It was less effective during battle when adrenaline was running high, but if you catch your target by surprise it was a very effective method.

"Nice work," Raven praised, giving her a soft smile, making Anise's heart beat a little faster even as she tried to shake the magical effect loose.

Raven was definitely part succubus because it seemed like her every action tried to charm someone, her smile wouldn't enthral people but she quickly recognised it for what it was.

She wasn't sure if Raven even knew she was doing it, but her smile had a charm-like effect on those who saw it, especially when it was directed directly at them. Thankfully, she had a resistance to charm effects due to who her father was.

Raven moved to the two sleeping bandits, pulling out her dagger and slitting both their throats without hesitation, licking her blade clean as she paused, looking at the chest next to the camp, trying to open it and finding it locked.

"I can open it," Anise said quickly, eager to show off her talents as she moved forwards and pulled out her thieves' tools. It was a simple enough lock and within a few seconds, it opened with a satisfying click.

Gold, some various trade goods that must have been stolen from travelling merchants, nothing spectacular as Raven placed them all in her enchanted backpack.

"Good job, Anise," Raven said softly, ruffling her hair with a smile as she blushed, feeling a dampness growing between her legs.

Damnit Anise, you're a tiefling, a daughter of Sanguine himself, you grew up in the Fey queen's court, why are you blushing like some virgin maiden?

The rest of the barrow wasn't much different, a few independent bandits that barely had time to even notice Raven before they were dead, and a puzzle that Raven solved like she already knew the answer.

More loot, some skeevers which Raven seemed to enjoy kicking with incredible force until they arrived at a room that was covered in cobwebs.

Ah great, spiders.

— Raven —

Cutting through the webs blocking the door, I wish I had Fen here, but he couldn't have made it through the small passageways.

There he is, 'something the swift', currently trapped in webs exactly like the game.

Which is odd, because it put this quest off for days and yet here he is, exactly where I was expecting him.

This world is strange, there's a mix of realism and game mechanics that would feel like mere coincidence to someone living inside this world.

It was a coincidence that this guy just happened to have gone deeper and got trapped in webs just before we arrived, right?

Bullshit, things don't work like that in the real world, my system is obviously arranging for things to work out like this.

But right now, I have bigger problems as I immediately snap my arm up and toss an Eldritch Blast at the giant spider as it starts to drop, the crackling bolts of energy smashing into the massive spider, making it shriek slightly.

Unfortunately, it doesn't actually seem to do much damage as it lands, rearing back in anger as it spits webs towards me, with surprising speed.

It misses me of course, but it comes closer to hitting me than the arrow did.

It's bigger than Fen, and the game doesn't quite show how fucking massive frostbite spiders actually are.

As it lunges towards me, I move backwards and avoid its fangs as a bolt of fire strikes it in the side, making it hiss in anger.

It turns to Anise, who has dropped her illusion, pale skin turning red as two majestic horns appear.

The spider doesn't like fire, and it immediately ignores me and focuses on her, but I'm a prideful woman and I don't like it when my playmates focus on other girls, and with a pounce, I transform.

I'm much smaller than Fen, but even as a regular-sized wolf I still possess my vampiric strength and speed, and my eight-legged friend finds itself down to seven as I bite into one of its disgusting spindly legs, tearing clean through it.

Anise does the smart thing and backs out of the room, firing from the doorway which the spider physically cannot fit through. Heh, I've used that exploit too.

Only in real life, the spider would just move out of sight, which it can't do while it fights off a vampiric wolf.

I wish I could say the fight was easy, but as the fangs bite down on my side, I yelp in pain, a firebolt smashing into its face making it let go, a nasty wound on my side as my blood burns.

I take a moment to thank Molag that vampires are mostly immune to poison as I switch back to human form, feeling the massive gash on my side slowly start to heal up.

Growling to myself, I glare at the spider as it rears back again, hissing as Anise bombards it with fire. I need more damaging spells, but for now, I'll make do as my fingernails grow rapidly, becoming vicious claws.

Missing one leg, with bite marks all over its body and burns on its face, the spider probably knows it's about to die as I charge forwards, uncaring of my own wounds.

I'll regenerate, my prey won't.

— Anise —

Her earlier thoughts on Raven's brutality proved true as she threw herself at the giant frostbite spider, completely disregarding her own safety, slashing wildly.

She couldn't keep throwing firebolts at it, not with Raven so close, moving so fast that aiming around her was borderline impossible.

That didn't mean she was out of the fight, she wasn't as good at muddling the minds of beasts, but she was still damn good at enchantment magic, casting dissonant whispers as she whispered in a language the beast couldn't possibly understand.

It understood the meaning, if not the words, as it turned and tried to flee from her, her words causing pain deep inside its mind.

Raven wasn't about to let her prey escape, grabbing one of its legs and tearing, her earlier cuts aimed at the base weakening it enough for Raven to tear the spider's leg away.

With two legs missing on its left side, it found fleeing a much harder prospect, and raven pounced on it, a savage smile on Raven's usually sweet face, leaping into the air and landing on the beast's back, slashing and clawing away at her prey.

The fight was practically over from that point, an injured and terrified beast wasn't going to pose a real threat, and Raven seemed to take joy in tearing its limbs off until it fell, unable to support its own weight as she calmly hopped off the body, pausing just long enough to cast a point bank eldritch blast into the creatures face, scoffing as she walked up to the tied-up bandit.

He went to speak- he'd been whining the entire fight- but Raven cut him off as she planted her lips on his mouth, his eyes widening as he went still before his struggles intensified.

Even from her position, she could see the man's face growing gaunt, the life leaving him as Raven leaned into the kiss, pulling back with a smirk as the man slumped over dead.

Cutting him down, Raven went through his things and pulled out the golden claw with a quiet cheer of victory, their quest complete.

How did she know it was there?

"Are we heading back now?" Anise asked, her eyes flickering to the wound on Raven's side as it slowly closed, Raven seemingly uncaring of the hole in her side.

"I mean, we've completed our quest, but are you really not interested in finding out what the claw unlocks?" Raven asked impishly, making her pause.

"You already know, don't you?" Anise asked, making Raven giggle innocently.

"These claws are the keys to the Nordic puzzle doors. Lucan never knew he was sitting on the key to the inner sanctum of Bleak Falls Barrow," Raven explained easily. "The real secret of Bleak Falls isn't something we can use, but I want the treasure I know lies further within."

She had no idea where Raven was getting her information, but she spoke with such confidence Anise couldn't help but believe her.

"W-well, we don't want to leave a job half-done," Anise reasoned, making Raven grin, walking closest to her as she gently stroked her hair again.

"Good girl," Raven said, leaning forwards and kissing her lips softly, making Anise blush deeply, even as Raven turned and walked away, heading further within the ancient Nordic tomb, her eyes watching the sway of Raven's hips before she shook her head.

Fuck.

— Raven —

[Draining Kiss]

As a partial succubus, you can drain the lifeforce from those you kiss to empower yourself, either temporarily if you only kiss them briefly or permanently if you completely drain your victim.

[Blade Proficiency - Apprentice]

[Archery Proficiency - Novice]

[Lockpicking Proficiency - Apprentice]

Poor Anise, she's trying so hard not to get charmed by me, but while she's definitely resistant, sheer overexposure to me is a dangerous thing, plus she was already at the very least bi, if not a complete homo.

She wants me, and she's in a unique position to know how dangerous wanting me is, so she's fighting it every step. The funny thing is that I'm barely even doing anything to her at this point.

My skill with a blade and bow just increased, Arvel The Swift (that was his name, I knew it started with an A) knew a bit about how to use a sword and axe, along with some beginner knowledge for bows and lockpicking.

Now it's mine, it's not like he's using it anymore.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of something, I've fully embraced my succubus heritage, far more than my Fey or vampire side simply due to how easy being a succubus is, and I feel like I'm almost ready to move onto the next level.

I've been embracing my vampiric side as well, but I have to limit myself unless I want to attract unwanted attention, settling for bandits instead of just feeding whenever and wherever I want.

Shaking my head, I focus as I head deeper into the barrow, ready to fight the undead for the first time.

— Later —

Okay, so I'll admit I had actually forgotten that my deathless nature meant that the undead wouldn't actually see me as a threat unless I attacked them.

"Raven! This isn't funny!" Anise shouts as she runs from the last draugr, seeing me sitting on a table watching the chaos.

Anise casts something, vanishing from sight as the final undead pauses in confusion, looking around for its prey as it looks past me, ignoring me entirely as I hop off my seat and walk up to it.

Anise is a tricky little bard, very fond of her illusions and the draugr don't have the best senses. I know where she is, hearing quiet footsteps moving away from the draugr.

My dagger stabs into its back, making it finally notice me entirely too late as I embrace half of the true Skyrim experience, now I just need a bow to become the ultimate stealth archer.

It's almost cheating when I don't even need to bother with the stealth part, at least for the less intelligent undead.

Anise reappears, throwing a Firebolt at the pierced draugr, who is still struggling to dislodge me as the firebolt hits him in the face, making me hiss at being entirely too close to the magical flames.

Anise gives me a dirty look, making it clear that she did that on purpose, but I just giggle as I stab the draugr a few more times just to be safe.

I found a new shiny elven dagger on one of the bandits, it's nothing special but it's a definite improvement.

"Do you want to go and wait with Fen?" I ask, making Anise sigh.

"If every single draugr is going to ignore you to attack me? Yes, I think that's for the best, I'm a very squishy girl and unlike you I don't magically regenerate," Anise says, brushing herself off.

"Fair. You have my apologies, but it was pretty funny," I admit, four draugr outright ignored and ran past me to chase after Anise. I did take them down, eventually.

Draugr are tougher than bandits, but these ones don't seem that special, no wights or death lords. I suspect the smarter, stronger ones will not be fooled by my vampiric nature, certainly not dragon priests.

"I'm glad my near-death entertained you so," Anise mutters, pouting cutely as I close the distance and grip her chin, making her look up into my eyes.

"Aniza, you know I'd never let them hurt you," I say, watching her blush again, her true name hitting a little harder. "Head back, I won't be long."

"You sure you'll be alright? I know they seem to ignore you but-"

"I'm a big girl, I'll be fine, worst case I'm much faster than these things, I could be out of the dungeon before they even close the distance," I remind her, making her sigh as she nods.

"Just be careful. I'll go and see what Fen is up to," Anise says, giving me a small smile as she turns and walks away.

Be careful? I'm always careful.

— Shortly After —

Trying to yank my hand back, I struggle to pull myself free from the monster that it is stuck to, stabbing my dagger into the stone 'flesh'.

Okay, so Skyrim has mimics now, how was I supposed to know that?

Admittedly, I probably should have been more suspicious when I saw an inconspicuous chest sitting in a corner which wasn't in the game, but in my defence… loot!

Two long pitch black hands reach out grabbing my free hand which isn't stuck to this stupid fake chest and my waist, the 'chest' opening to reveal a toothy maw as it sprays me with a black mist.

I stop 'breathing' but it's clearly not poison as my clothes start to dissolve, falling apart as I frown. I just bought these, sure they aren't enchanted or anything but I liked the design.

My struggling intensifies but the fucker barely seems to notice my dagger until that too is stuck to the 'stone', slowly sinking in until my shiny new dagger disappears inside the monster.

I have options to escape, but as I go to Misty Step out of its grasp, a very long and thick tongue leaves the maw and licks my now exposed body, all the way from my lower legs up to my breasts in a single lap, sending a shiver through my body.

The hands grab my wrists and hold me in the air, unnaturally long as one hand wraps around both my wrists, the tongue licking me again, seemingly focusing on my breasts as I force down a moan, reconsidering my original plan.

Is this my succubus defence? I was hardly defeated but it seems to have made this little bastard horny rather than hungry as its arms move to my legs, gripping my ankles as it drops me to the ground on my back, forcing them apart as it holds my ankles high in the air, its tongue rubbing against my body again before the tip of the very thick tongue presses against my admittedly wet slit, pushing against it for a moment before it forces its way inside.

The tip alone is thicker than any cock I've taken, and it doesn't stop as it pushes more and more of its insanely long tongue inside my tight slit, an honest moan leaving my lips.

If it tries to pull me inside its mouth, I'll misty step away and introduce this horny fucker to Magic Missile, but as it starts to pump its tongue into me, I decide it can have its fun.

Hey, I'm supposed to embrace my succubus side, right? What's a little monster fucking?

The fullness is unlike anything I've felt from regular sex, even getting dp'd doesn't compare to the sheer length and girth of this horny chest's tongue, and in the back of my mind I remember that mimics don't actually look like chests, they're shapeshifters that can look like basically anything.

If it wants a massive tongue to fuck me with, it can easily reshape its body to make it happen.

I'm grateful that my new body is more… elastic than my old boring human body, because as the pumping speeds up, the tongue filling places that have never been touched before, I'm pretty sure this thing would have broken me before. I can see the outline of the invading tongue on my stomach, watching it move back and forth.

Hell of a way to go, though, would have beaten the gunshots.

Either this thing is a natural, or I'm just easy, because it's not long before the cave is filled with my moans as I cum around the tongue that's currently stirring up my insides, the mimic happily lapping up my juices as it holds me in place, the pumping growing faster as I feel the tongue start to bulge.

Err, can this thing cum?

The answer, evidentially, is very much yes as I feel something incredibly thick being spurted into my utterly defenceless womb, the tongue pulling back as it fills me with what I assume is its seed.

My eyes widen as my belly bulges, swelling until it pulls out entirely, the thick purple liquid slowly leaking out of me, much thicker than regular semen.

To my surprise, the mimic lets go of my legs once it's done. I was ready to fight despite the pleasure clouding my senses, but it seems I might not need to.

Sitting up, I pause as I pant quietly, staring at the mimic with a bemused expression. Is it really pretending to be a chest again?

It just nutted in me then went back to pretending to be an inanimate object, the little fucker.

…it knows I still know it's a mimic, right?

The little bastard stays perfectly still as I glare at it before I shrug to myself and turn and walk away. I'm still annoyed about my clothes but not annoyed enough to kill the horny little fucker.

Nobody even comes this deep in the barrow anyway, beyond the Draugr.

Going through my backpack, I pull out my spare clothes and give the 'chest' a dirty look, getting dressed again as I consider the fullness I feel inside me, the slimy seed leaking down my legs.

Meh, a problem for later.

"If you're still there when I come back, I'm gonna Eldritch Blast you. Don't pretend you can't understand me, you little shit," I warn, making the chest shudder for a moment.

Turning and waking deeper inside, I pause and turn around as I see the mimic running across the room on long spindly legs, before it sets itself down in a different corner, all of ten meters away from where it was originally.

I mean, I guess it listened?

Hang on a second.

"Oi, give me my dagger back you thieving bastard!"

The chest rumbles rebelliously as I glare at it, my fingers sparking with magic before it reluctantly opens up and spits the dagger back out.

As I go to grab it, I'm barely surprised when the moment I turn around, a pair of long arms grabs my legs and pulls me back, as the mimic moves with surprising speed.

Nor am I surprised when a blast of mist starts to dissolve my clothes once more, a tongue wrapping around my waist.

"You better have some coin in there for my clothes, you horny fucker." I grumble, even as I smirk.

— Later —

I enter the final room of Bleak Falls with my less shiny and somewhat slimy dagger at my side, the furs of a bandit covering my body.

The mimic definitely understood me, but it didn't understand human economics because I ripped the bastard off. I could buy ten sets of the outfits it ruined with what I made it pay. I win, you dumb chest.

I feel exactly zero guilt about exploiting my way to the end of the dungeon, looking around the massive room with a smile.

This might not be the game, but this is still a Bethesda world and exploiting Bethesda games is always the morally correct decision.

Walking towards the word wall, I pause as I hear the quiet chanting start to become audible. Huh, I thought only the Dragonborn could hear that, but I guess regular people can hear it as well.

I'm just here for the three chests, and maybe the Dragonstone if I feel like being mean to Delphine and Farengar (spoiler alert, I do.)

Demand I kill Papa Paarthurnax will you, you bitchy incompetent relic? Act all smug and superior to me when I could erase you with a single shout, you shitty subpar mage?

I'm gonna throw this stupid stone into a lake or something, it shouldn't change too much but it'll make me feel better.

As I get closer, the chanting grows louder as I decide to take a look at the word wall, curious to see how they look in person.

As I approach, my vision starts to darken as a word enters my mind, a word in a tongue I know all too well.

Fus, Force.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Shouts Unlocked

Oh no, you can fuck right off.

Word Learnt

[Unrelenting Force - Fus]

Absolutely fucking not.

The Last Dragonborn - Title Unlocked

Oh fuck no. You can take that title and stick it up your ass sideways, you stupid system, I want nothing to do with it.

Quest Added

[The World Eater]

Objective: Achieve your destiny and slay Alduin

Reward: ???

No. I'm not fighting the fucking World Eater.

That's someone else's problem, I'm sure there's some Nord out there who's supposed to achieve this oh-so-grand destiny, you can fuck right off.

There was. You ate him.

I… what?

Remember that random unimportant Nord travelling from Helgen? Right after surviving Alduin's attack on Helgen? Yeah.

…

Congratulations, Dragonborn.

It's your problem now.

That's not fair, how was I supposed to know my actions would have consequences?

Sucks to be you.

As I despair, the tomb bursts open as a larger Draugr climbs out, an enchanted axe in his hands, he barely manages to get a word out before I rush towards him and simply tear his head off, throwing it at the word wall with enough force to shatter the bones, the wall remaining mockingly intact.

I do not have time for you, right now.

What do you mean I have to fight Alduin?

— Bonus Scene — Babette

She was old, even by vampire standards, given how many of her kind didn't make it out of their first few decades. Se'd lived through countless wars, the oblivion crisis, and endless groups of vampire hunters.

She hadn't done this through sheer power, though she was powerful, given her age, but through guile and cunning.

It was why the news of the Dawnguard reforming didn't concern her, she'd seen that same organisation rise and fall twice before, but what did concern her was the fledgeling currently making waves entirely too close to her home in Falkreath for her comfort.

Raven probably thought she was subtle, only targeting bandits and lone wanderers, but tracking the cause of the disappearances to Riverwood hadn't been difficult for someone as old and experienced as her.

She should have just killed Raven in her sleep, as she often did for fledglings who caused trouble and attracted attention towards her home, both her talents as an assassin in service to the dread father and an ancient vampire would have made slaying Raven all too easy.

But she was a cautious hunter and observed her prey carefully while planning her hunt, and it hadn't taken her long to realise that something was very wrong with Raven.

Raven was a vampire, certainly, but not like any vampire that she'd seen in her long years, and while at first, she thought Raven was a new Daughter of Coldharbour, in which case she'd have run for her life, she was fairly certain Raven wasn't one of Molag Bal's lucky favoured.

Or at the very least, she wasn't favoured in that way. In truth, Babette had no idea what Raven was, beyond a crime against common sense and magic alike. How could one person be both a vampire and a succubus?

Mephala and Molag hated each other, vampires couldn't turn succubi, the process was fatal (as she knew from experience, given that succubi blood was a heavily sought-after substance for vampires, and the addictive substance was best experienced straight from the source).

So what was Raven?

Curiosity alone stayed her blade, as a plan formed in the back of her mind.

She needed Raven to stop being so blatant before she drew vampire hunters down on her territory, but that didn't mean she needed Raven dead.

It had been a long time since the Brotherhood had gained some new blood, and Raven was talented, if reckless, with none of those pesky morals to get in the way.

Now, to convince Astrid to let her invite her potential apprentice into the Dark Brotherhood, but that should be easy enough.