Chapter Eight: Smile through the pain

Why me?.

Why does it all happen to me alone?

Why does everything in my life have to be so fucked up?

Why does everything go wrong in my life?

Why can't I just be happy?

Why can't I just have a normal life?

A normal family. Normal parents.

Why why why

Why does everything have to be like this?

I'm tired. Drained. Exhausted.

Everything hurts. The fucking feelings... they hurt.

I want to stop feeling. But it's not that easy.

Each time I promise myself I'd be strong...that I wouldn't feel anymore. That I'd become a god-damn robot with no feelings whatsoever... something happens and it all comes back to me like a hard slap.

Everytime I promise myself I'll be strong. Everytime I try to be strong. Some shit happens and I'm crying like a bitch again.

I hate crying.

I don't like crying. Crying makes one weak.

I don't want to be weak. I don't want to cry.

I don't want to feel anymore.

I've tried so many times... I've thought it over so many times. I've tried taking my life, just so the pain will go away.

Yet,here I am, still fucking breathing.

Breathing itself hurts. It's like inhaling acid. It hurts.

I read somewhere that writing your feelings down in a book helped... I'm not sure if it is...but I don't really have another option,do I?

I can't tell mom about my feelings. She'll be so heartbroken...and she'd probably try to send me to a therapist.

I don't need no therapist. I just need peace of mind.

I just want peace.

Writing in this notebook helps a bit...just a bit. So maybe I'll be doing this more often.

Let's see....

Maybe it'll help. Maybe I can heal myself.

Let's see if google can fix depression afterall.

Till next time,

Renny.

**

༄𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐤𝐞'𝐬 𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰༄

I had grown used to 'smiling through the pain'.

My whole world was basically falling apart. My whole life felt like complete shit. My  heart felt like it was shattering into pieces, but here I was,with a smile on my face as I listened to my cousin talk about her school mates.

It was like I was there with her,but not. Physically I was,but my mind was wandering.

That was  how it had been for the past months.

I was always thinking.

I know I said it multiple times-to mom and to to myself- that I was fine, but was I really?.

Back when all they did was argue and fight with themselves, I had always said 'if the you two don't love each other anymore,then just go ahead and file a god-damn divorce'. But now that they were finally separated,I didn't know how to feel.

I should be happy for them-happy for mom,but why did I still feel restless?. Why did I feel sad? Wasn't this what I wanted all along?. Why wasn't I  happy?.

Honestly,I had no idea. Those questions remain unanswered as of now.

"Eni." Aliyah's voice snapper me back to reality. She was waving her hand in my face, eyebrows furrowed.

"Are you listening?. Where did you wander off to."

"Sorry. Just thinking."

Aliyah snorted. " Thinking about what?,at your small age."

I roller my eyes at her, shoving her playfully." Shut up."

"No, seriously." She laughed. "Are you excited for next week?." She asked me, smiling again.

Mom and Auntie Simi thought it would be easier if Aliyah and I went to the same school,so I was transferring to DLC next week. Aliyah was excited. But me?.... I wasn't so sure how I felt.

Lately when it came to feelings and emotions, it was all blank. But I would try and seem excited just for her.

I put on a phony smile and nodded." Mh-Mh. Can't wait."

"You're going to looove Daily Light." She said. "I mean,the school can be really crazy sometimes,but that's usually the best part!. You'll meet so many fun and bizarre people there. Trust me babe, you'll fall inlove with the school the moment you get there." She continued. I only shrugged in response.

We would see.

It had been awhile since I last posted something on my Instagram,So I get Aliyah to take a few pics of me in their garden and posted it.

750 likes in just ten minutes.

 Aliyah and I sat on the grass. The weather was cool and breezy, unlike the weather from this morning. It has been 48 hours since me and mom got here and it had been good so far.... I guess. Mom went out with auntie so it was just me,Aliyah,and the house workers.

"Tell about that boyfriend of yours." I said after a while of silence. I had noticed how she was always bringing him up everytime she talked about her school.

"Kamiye?." I nodded. "Kamiye is... he's great. He's really sweet,and thoughtful... he's a bit loud sometimes,and he's even more of a gossiper than me." She chuckled, and my lips tugged up a bit.

"He's childish most times. But when Kamiye chooses to be serious in something, he's serious. He acts like an idiot but is actually extremely smart. And he's an Ameh-zing kisser." She waggled her eyebrows at the last statement and I snorted.

Silly girl.

"We've only been dating for three months," She paused,then sigher dreamily. "But it's been the best three months of my life not gonna lie."

"Wow wow." I laughed, beyond amused. "Someone's inloveeee." I sang, nudging her with my shoulder.

"No,not love." She shook her head vigorously,in denial. "We're not there yet." She bit her lips,her cheeks flushing.

Awww. Can't relate.

"Well,I'm happy for you. Can't wait to meet this boyfriend of yours."

She beamed at me. "Me too!. I want you guys to be friends."

"It depends. If my vibe doesn't like his vibe,then we can't be friends." I shrugged. Aliyah narrowed her eyes at me.

"Right." She dragged, rolling her eyes. I laughed.