1 The Forgotten Memories Of A Cold Knight

I swung my sword down through the soft flesh of the person's neck and watched as their head was relieved from their body. Through the blood spray, I saw an angel with eyes that gleamed like sapphire and hair that looked like freshly spun silk. It was only a moment but in a battle, a moment is a lifetime. A hard blow to my head pulled me from my trance and into darkness. Sounds of people clamoring around awoke me from my blackout and I brought a hand to my head or tried to at least. Looking down I realized my hands were bound together with rope, the rough fibers tearing at my skin. I needed to assess where I was and how I got here. Battle, I was in battle but then an angel appeared and I lost focus "dammit" I cursed myself. One of the first things I learned as a squrie was to never lose focus in combat. I can't believe I let myself get distracted. This is what I've trained since birth to do. Looking down I notice my legs are free and I'm trapped in a rusty metal cage "How barbaric" I scoff.

"Well, they are indeed barbarians, my lady." I whip around to identify the mocking voice. My body turns to stone, "Angel." It only came out in a whisper but I couldn't believe it. I thought I had really seen an angel on that battlefield but instead, it was a man, made of flesh and bone standing before me with a charismatic grin playing on his lips.

"Angel? Not at all. You fit that description better, the way you deliver death as if ordered by God to do so." Still stunned, I don't reply. Something about this man has my usually staunch composure crumbling. My curiosity gets the better of me and I ask, "Who are you?"

"Collin, just one of many lowly mercenaries hired by the Dabran army here to guard you." This man is an idiot, any guard worth something knows not to engage with the prisoner unless necessary. I can use him though, I need to escape and he's looking like my best option. First I need more information. "Why did they take me instead of killing me? The Dabran enjoy the kill; they do not know the definition of mercy." I said indignantly hoping to get a rise out of him, but he didn't seem fazed at all.

" You are correct they do enjoy killing but a little birdie told them you are important. They are truly barbaric when it comes to their enemies so if I were you I'd sit tight, and not try anything stupid." His face darkened with his last words but he quickly wiped it away reverting back to a laid-back attitude. Leaning against the bars he pulls a knife and a shiny, perfectly ripe apple out of his vest and begins to cut it into slices. The sound of the knife cutting into the crisp flesh of the apple has my mouth watering and my eyes glued to his movement bringing the slice to his lips. I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks but shook off the odd reaction. More than his mouth my eyes were locked on the apple it looked delicious.

"What are you staring at so intently?"

His question caught me by surprise and I looked away to hide my embarrassment. "Nothing. I'm staring at nothing" at that moment my stomach decided to betray me and growled in protest.

"Oh, I'm an idiot!"

"Yes, you are". I said flatly but he just chuckled, the sound a pleasant rumble. A small smile tugged at my lips. I quickly schooled my face back into annoyance but my body's reaction to him unnerved me.

"You must be hungry. Would you like some?" offering the fruit from the tip of his knife. My pride was fighting my hunger but the emptiness of my stomach prevailed. I tentatively grabbed the apple slice eyeing him wearily.

"Why are you being so kind to me?"

"Because you are a person" It was such a simple statement but it took me by surprise.

"But I am your enemy"

"Well you're not MY enemy, you are Dabrans enemy. I rather like you actually."

"You don't know me, how could you ever like me"

"Don't I?" he arched a brow "You are someone who has had her whole life planned, told where to go, how to live, and who to kill. You are nothing more than property to your country I know exactly who you are Lillian." I wasn't surprised he knew my name I was infamous for my cold brutality and fighting skills across nations, but hearing the truth in his words stung. I didn't have words to refute him so I just stared coldly at him. He held my gaze as if searching for something but eventually gave up. "Another guard will be by shortly for shift changes. The whole camp changes guard every eight hours." When he left I watched his retreating figure, and It felt like something was pounding in my brain desperately trying to free itself. I shook my head and laid down to rest and think.

A similar routine continued for the next three days I stayed quiet and really only spoke to Collin. Who, I found out enjoyed irritating me but was also kind and generous with information. What he said about guard changes proved true. Every eight hours without fail a guard would relieve his comrade. Collin had an uncanny ability to make me laugh, everything about him somehow felt familiar. His blunt honesty and laidback nature put me at ease. I even caught myself letting my guard down around him. By the fourth day, however, the smell of damp hay, mud, and old blood became unbearable. Collin had convinced my captors to at least release my hands from the rope so I was free to move about my cell. Today was the day I would ask to bathe and hopefully be taken through the camp to assess the layout and plan an escape route. I waited until Collin's shift then demanded with as much dignity as I could muster. "Take me to bathe." He coughed surprised by my abrupt statement and an embarrassed blush spread across his freckled face. Attempting to cover it he wiped his hand over his mouth. His reaction made my confidence falter and I felt warmth bloom on my own cheeks. "Please," I said turning my head away to hide my face. I had never been so embarrassed or uncomfortable in front of a man before.

"Uh right… One moment I'll see what I can do." he shifted on his feet uncomfortably and then quickly walked away as if fleeing. A few minutes later he came back with a handful of clothes and held it out to me. "For you to change into when you're done" He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand the blush from earlier had not vanished. "I uh noticed yours are.." he glanced down at the tunic that was clinging to me from all the sweat, dirt, and blood then quickly away his blush deepening. "dirty." he finished weakly. I snatched the garments from his hand and held them over my chest protectively, I'd never been looked at that way before It was…strange. "Lead the way then," I said. he took me through nearly the entire camp purposely taking extra twists and turns as if to show me around. Causing my already growing suspension to solidify, he was helping me. He wanted me to escape, but why? When we got to the river I would make him tell me.

The river was beautiful with a grassy bank on one side and a line of trees marking the edge of a forest on the other, a great place to hide I thought. We stopped a few feet away from the water and looked at each other.

"I'll leave you-"

"I should-"

An awkward laugh escaped both of us and he rubbed his neck again. So he does that every time he's embarrassed. It's cute. The thought crossed my mind naturally as if my brain was used to it. Collin was handsome, kind, and helping me which still didn't make sense. I would get it out of him today but first, bathing. It had been nearly a week and I felt horrid. I took my time washing away the sweat, dirt, and old blood. It was lovely to finally be clean, and away from camp which allowed me to think clearly. Submerged up to my collarbones I turned to stare at Collin who had his back towards me. He should know better than to leave himself so vulnerable. I would scold him if it wasn't so advantageous for me. It was time to figure out his exact motives for helping me. As silently as possible I made my way out of the water and donned the simple robe; I crept up behind him on silent cat-like feet. His knife hung from his belt so I quickly grabbed it and held it against the back of his ribs, putting my other hand on his shoulder to hold him in place. I pressed it harder into his back and whispered in his ear "Tell me why you're helping me right now or I will shove this knife up into your lung and watch you die." but my threat rang hollow. Somehow in just a few days, this man had managed to worm his way under my skin. Something about him softened my edge and I knew at that moment some unknown part of myself wouldn't let him come to any harm. I hoped the threat, and knife was enough to convince him. Stiffening under my touch his voice dropped to a quiet whisper that matched my own. "No, you won't. But I'll play along if this is what you're comfortable with." I stayed silent, I didn't know how to respond. He'd called my bluff, but said he would tell me anyway? With the knife still at his back, he continued with a weary sigh casting his head and eyes heavenward as if what he wanted to say was written on the clouds.

"I love you, Lilly. I've always loved you and you loved me too, once. It's how I know so much about who you really are and why you feel so comfortable and safe around me." His words didn't make sense. I just barely met him, but he wasn't completely wrong his presence did put me oddly at ease.

"I don't know what nonsense you are spewing but I certainly don't remember you so you have one more chance to tell me the truth before I end this conversion my way." Before I could reinforce my point by pushing the knife harder into his side he started moving. In one swift motion, he grabbed the knife from me and switched our positions. With him now at my back and my hands pinned behind me. His tone turned deadly but he kept his voice low.

"Of course, you wouldn't remember me, your family made sure of that when they ripped you from my arms and locked away every moment we had together somewhere in your mind. Your family made me watch." His voice cracked on the last word as if it was happening in front of him again, but he continued. "I had to watch as the love, warmth, and happiness were closed off. When they were done I held your gaze and all that stared back was cold nothingness. Then they took me away and banished me." I could feel his hands tremble genuine pain and sorrow laced his words. I felt tears begin to fall from my eyes; I didn't know why I was crying. My body acted against my will around him as if it remembered what I could not. He loosened his grip and slowly turned me around cupping my face in his hands. I didn't move away. I just looked at him, my heart pounding in my chest and all I had were questions racing in my mind. "Why?" was the only one that made it out. His eyes softened as he said "I have found you again and that is all that matters for now." he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "I will answer all your questions in time but right now we need to get you back. If we're gone too long they will get suspicious. I feel like an empty husk as he leads us back through the camp to my cell. He said something as he deposited me inside but I was too despondent to hear him. I stood staring at the moldy hay and the discarded armor I'd piled in the corner. I fixated on the dirty, dulled metal gauntlet picking it up. The royal knight's seal was embedded into it as a special gift, only received by those that had shown the utmost loyalty to the crown. I got it when I turned nineteen after I'd been captured and tortured by an enemy for two years. I stayed loyal to my king and family until they valiantly rescued me. I could never recall exactly what happened during those years. Whenever I think too hard about it I only remember the feeling of unimaginable pain and grief. I was always told it was my brain blocking out horrors I couldn't bear. I clutched my hand around the gauntlet until my knuckles were white. It wasn't true. There was no way it could be. My family would never do something like that to me. They loved me. They needed me. Then why? Why does my body react to him? I look into hfdxis eyes and feel safe, guarded, and loved. Exhaustion quickly overtook me and I crumpled to the floor.

Where was I again? I looked around expecting to see rusty metal bars and damp earth, instead, I was laying on a worn bed in a small rather cozy cabin. "Here eat this it will warm you" Collin handed me a bowl of hot stew, except he was a lot younger around seventeen. It was a lamb stew with herbs I didn't know the names of swimming around in it. The delicious aroma reminded me of my empty stomach and it growled in anticipation. "You were out for a while, I thought I might have been too late. The snow is a horrible place to nap"

"I wasn't napping" I snapped back as a smile crept across his lips, But I continued on defiantly "I was in the middle of my last test as a squire killing and bringing back the horn of a wyvern, but something hard fell from the sky and knocked me unconscious." He stared at me for a second then burst out laughing wiping tears from his eyes. "You?! Defeat a wyvern?! I don't think so, especially when all it took was one ornery squirrel with a rock to take you out." His laughter subsided a little while my own face flushed red with embarrassment. " Taking on a wyvern alone is much too dangerous. Even for skilled knights, it is a risk. Why would you follow such an order so blindly? My embarrassment turned to anger that he assumed I wasn't strong enough. "Please eat the stew. I put lots of greens in it they should give you energy and don't worry I'll keep you safe if any squirrels show up" he said puffing out his chest with laughter threatening to bubble over with every word. Suddenly I felt like I was falling over a cliff and his words about my test rang in my ears. I knew he was right my family, my country had sent me out alone at seventeen on an impossible test, and I just followed without asking any questions. "Wake up, Lilly please wake up." a panicked voice brought me back down to earth and the stench of mud, and hay firmly grounded me in reality. A groan escaped my lips and I brought a hand to my head it felt like it was about to explode. "Stop making a fuss" I sat up out of Collin's arms and rubbed my neck where a knot had formed in my sleep. Relief flooded his features but traces of panic still flowed behind his eyes. "When I got here you were laying on the dirt like a broken doll your skin was so pale…" He reached out to touch my face and but I flinched away. "I thought you had died I was so worried. Are you okay you were whimpering in pain". I couldn't think straight my head was still slightly fuzzy. I needed water and something to fill my stomach in order to think clearly. "I think I'm getting some memory back, and I need food" A long silence stretched between us " What is it? I need something to eat" His eyes were like saucers and he blinked slowly before stumbling over his words "You..how...how much do you remember" hope lit his face. I looked at him " You made me that stew after you first found me…you were so annoying insinuating I was weak." I shot him a sharp glare. "To be fair you didn't look very strong." Collin retorted but I rolled my eyes. I had more pressing questions to ask him. "You said my memories were taken from me then how am I able to remember meeting you?" His brows creased in thought and he rubbed his stubbled chin. "Magic has limits and rules. They couldn't take away the memories completely so instead blocked them, but that would leave a two-year gap in your mind" I could see the gears turning in his head and spoke "I was captured by an enemy and tortured but stayed loyal to the crown. It was too painful for me to remember. That's what I was told and what they must have used to replace the ones they blocked." anger flashed in his eyes the blue turning as cold as ice, but he passed a hand over his face as if wiping the emotion away and continued "They banished me afterward as punishment…They must have used me as an anchor. As long as I was gone you wouldn't remember me but now that I'm around you again the spell must be weakening." It made sense, but that still didn't answer the why. "Collin did I ever tell you why I decided to stay with you for the two years instead of returning home" he lightly chuckled then held my gaze "We fell in love. An opportunity to have a happy future that didn't involve all of this," he said gesturing to our surroundings. "I'll go get you food" he got up but lingered by the door looking back, worried about leaving me alone. "I'll be fine, there are no vindictive squirrels around here and I am after all a highly skilled knight." My sad excuse for humor seemed to work and he looked visibly less stressed as he said, " I wouldn't underestimate their tenacity." After a short while, Collin came back with a mug of water, bread and a whole potato that still had steam rising from it. My mouth watered. " Here I know it isn't much but it will help" I gratefully took the food and after eating fell into a deep sleep."

Sapphire eyes framed by golden locks filled my vision, and a calloused hand reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met." Collin and I were on a flowered covered hill laying blissfully wrapped in each other's arms as he said "I promise to make you happy as long as I live." It was a childish promise and one I knew he wouldn't be able to keep. Sadness and hardships were a part of life. No one could be happy forever, but I wanted it to be true; to live in this blissfully happy moment forever with him. "Promise me instead that we will be together like this forever. That's the only way I'll ever truly be happy." He stared back at me in earnest " I promise to be by your side always and to love you until my last breath." My heart pounded in my chest as I echoed the promise back to him " I'll love you until my last breath, Collin, no matter what and to stay by your side always." He lifted himself onto his forearm until his body was above mine and our faces were inches apart, then we sealed our promise to one another with a kiss that enveloped my soul. The sound of glittering laughter floated on the breeze as I was ripped away from the memory and back to the present. It was the middle of the night or early morning when I opened my eyes because darkness had incased my surroundings. I looked up through the metal bars above me and stared at the night sky beyond. A cold chill slipped past me and I wrapped my cloak tighter around myself. The memory of our confessions of love to one another playing on repeat in my head. I do love him, the fact that the love I had was blocked from my heart for so long made my blood run cold. How could the family and country I gave everything to do something like this to me? I drifted back into the oblivion of sleep, but this time my dream had turned into a nightmare. I was being forced onto my knees by my two eldest brothers with my arms stretched behind me. "You shouldn't have stayed. You know mother and father hate when the things they own disobey" My knees were sinking into the cold muddy earth when someone walked up from behind me and grabbed my head forcing it up. "Now you'll be fixed then returned" I ignored my brother's words as my eyes searched frantically for Collin. I told him to run but I knew he hadn't listened when I heard yelling. The next moment he was being pulled in front of me with angry bruises already beginning to form on his face and arms, and blood leaked from a gash above his eye. Hot anger seeped out of me at the sight of him. I ripped one arm free from my brother's grasp and tried reaching for Collin who had momentarily escaped his captor's hold and rushed towards me but got pulled back right before I could touch him. I didn't know what would happen to us next so I repeated our promise to him "To my last breath I will always lov-" but I was cut off as the person from earlier grabbed my head again and started chanting a spell.

It felt like the ground was falling out from under me. I felt so weak and powerless, my blood was turning to ice in my veins. I was so scared. I had never been this scared in my entire life I had fought men twice my size I even killed the wyvern I was first sent to retrieve just to prove I could. Nothing could compare to the utter cold emptiness I was feeling. Then it all just stopped and I felt nothing.

I blinked back tears as the early morning sun streamed into my cell. I remember. Not everything yet but it seems like I got back the intrgal momements . Collin was right I was nothing more than property to them. I didn't have free will. He showed me what life could be, and my county..no, my family ripped it all away from me. I had someone who loved me; truly loved me and I was happy living a simple fulling life the way I wanted. All this time I thought I was broken because I had never felt true joy or known what it was to love or be loved, but I did. I should be angry that it was taken from me and a part of me is but more than anything I'm relieved. The sun rose higher and it was close to shift changes I became resolute about what I wanted and couldn't wait to see Collin. After a while, he came around the corner and it was as if I was really seeing him for the first time. With my memories back I mentally compared him to the boy I knew. He had gained more freckles and a slight shadow of stubble grew around his chin. He was taller as well and more filled out but still lean. He had become a man, and though he looked different now I was still completely in love with him. "Are you alright? You look different today. I know I shouldn't have told you like that. I'm sorry Lillian." his voice was laced with concern and regret.

"I didn't give you a choice so stop blaming yourself." I retorted "I didn't realize I looked different, but I do feel different. I don't feel so cold and empty anymore." he looked back at me quizzically "I don't remember it all but I remember our love and the promise we made." His gaze softened as he listened to me talk "I also got a playback of the last time we saw each other" I reached up and lightly traced a small white scar above his eye. He leaned into my touch and I held his gaze " I don't want to give my family anymore of my time or yours. You promised me once you'd always stay by my side. Will you keep that promise to me now" He was silent for a moment then pulled me close and just as earnestly as when he was seventeen said "To my last breath" Our breath mingled for a moment his eyes searched mine asking for permission; I gave it to him "To my last breath" his lips met mine softly at first like a gentle rain then he deepened the kiss sweeping me away like a storm. I could feel his years of loneliness and longing with every pass of his tongue. I felt I would really be swept away soon when he pulled back. His eyes bore into me and I saw something that scared but also excited me in them. He spoke breaking my trance "As much as I'd like to continue you this we need to get out of here." I was going to ask him how he planned on getting us out but he cut me off "Don't worry about anything I already have it covered I was actually on my way to convince you to follow me but it looks like that won't be necessary anymore" he said mischievously winking at me. I glared at him as a blush heated my cheeks. I have a friend of mine we can trust helping so just be ready to leave by tonight. He stood guard by my cell for the rest of his shift and the waiting game began.

That night Collin showed up instead of the usual night guard who was apparently the friend he mentioned earlier. He then lead me through camp dressed as a healer taking advantage of the robes he stole for me. I stayed close to his back hiding my face beneath the large hood as we made it to the river. "Change into this" He whispered to me handing me a pile of men's clothes and a cap. I quickly changed and handed him my discarded robes. Collin stared for a second then spoke quietly "It's amazing you manage to look beautiful even dressed like that. "Is now really the time to be saying such things to me" I scolded him but couldn't help the blush that crept across my face. He left to get rid of the clothes and came back a few minutes later. "Let's go," he said as he nodded towards the river. We crossed as silently as possible. I was able to touch the bottom so we got across without doing much swimming. After making it across and into the forest beyond we breathed a little easier. Grabbing my hand he looked back and smiled saying "Until my last breath."

"Until my last breath" I repeated the promise back to him. We didn't need more than that as we walked away from our past and towards our unknown future, all that mattered was that we were doing it together. Side by side, always.