A Sense of Loneliness

Every morning, I yell that as if it were my mother's alarm clock, attempting to rouse her from her slumber. I'm not sure why she feels the need to hide my socks in a location I'm not aware of. It can be difficult to find them at times, and it consumes a lot of my time; I'm sometimes late for school because I'm still looking for my socks. I'm not complaining; I just value my time and dislike being late for school. When you walk into the classroom and your professor is the first to arrive, you draw a lot of attention. That's not how I want to feel.

'Finally!' I exclaimed as I rummaged through my mother's drawer for a pair of socks.

I grew up on an island where farming and fishing are the primary means of subsistence. I wake up with the sun on my face and a glimpse out my window. I'm sleeping under a clear sky with millions of stars wishing you a good night. I've never been anywhere else because my mother never let me go anywhere, and she dislikes traveling because it makes her seasick. I occasionally told her that I wanted to travel outside of our island, but I never got the chance to persuade her to agree.

My friends and I once discussed crossing the island to visit a neighboring island. We just wanted to be a part of their fiesta celebration, so I lied and told my mom we were going to spend the night at one of my classmates' homes. She let me go to my classmates' house, but she couldn't help but keep an eye on me. So she went to my classmates' house and found out that I wasn't there to review our lessons. She called me on my cell phone and expressed her disappointment with me. I didn't enjoy the fiesta because I was preoccupied with my mother and how she felt after I disobeyed her. I adore my mother and don't want to cause her any harm as a result of my actions; it's just that there are times when I feel compelled to do something I thoroughly enjoy. It breaks my heart to deny myself that feeling.

My college, from which I am graduating as an engineering student, is one of the best in our province. This major was recommended to me by my mother, who told me that if I became an engineer one day, I would be extremely wealthy. I initially refused to let her choose my major because I believed I should make that decision on my own, but I eventually caved to her request. I'd like to major in art with a writing concentration. It's a shame I can't share my poetry and short stories with the rest of the world because I love writing them. Nonetheless, I continue to write and let others read my stories to my classmates and friends. I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally, but my feelings appear to be realistic when I write them down on paper.

I am confident in saying that I have a large number of good friends from both school and my barangay. Despite the fact that I am initially uncomfortable making new friends, I am grateful that they are the ones who come to make new friends with me. I became aware that something was changing within me as I grew older. Not in a physical sense, but rather in an emotional sense. I've developed a strong sense of sensitivity to things, and I feel as if I understand every detail of what's going on. That strikes me as strange because I had assumed I had a heart condition. I expressed my concerns to my mother, and the two of us went to the doctor, who determined that I did not have a heart condition. We were relieved by the negative outcome, but the situation remains a mystery to me.

When I went to the ocean to write my story one day and saw a single rock bedded on the seashore, I was overcome with a sense of loneliness. It may sound exaggerated, but I felt it was my responsibility to move the rock to a more visible location among the other rocks on the shore. The fact that it cannot be moved begs the question of why it was transported there alone and apart from the others. Is it possible that the other rocks conspired with the ocean and told him he'd be washed away? Or has the rock simply decided not to be washed away by the waves and to stay put because he's had enough of the other rocks? That doesn't make any sense to you, does it? Because whenever I tell my friends about this, they just laugh at me and think I'm weird for being able to see such things. To be completely honest, I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. I'm too emotional to see clearly, and I'm not sure if it means something good for me or if it will lead me down a dark path.

Although it makes no difference to me what message I receive whenever I feel those emotions in relation to those specific things, what I don't understand is that it also urges me to stop feeling those emotions because I can feel them right down to my bones. In reality, I couldn't explain it well enough. I thought that having a positive attitude toward my surroundings would help me appreciate life more, but there were times when I couldn't take it any longer because it hurt so much, and I desperately wanted it to stop. Is that something I could put a stop to?

In order to get to school on time, I skipped breakfast and dashed out the door. I'll say it again: it's a Monday morning, and I don't want to be late.

'I need to tell my mother to stop hiding my socks.' I was slightly irritated.

Then I hopped on my bike and pedaled as fast as I could down the road until I arrived at our school. Unfortunately, I came across something on the side of the road while riding my bicycle down the road. As I got closer, I realized it was a kitten. It had suffered severe injuries. It appeared to have sustained a severe injury to its right leg. I got off my bike and went over to see how the kitten was doing. It could have been hit by a car or a motorcycle.

'Are you all right?' As I gazed at the kitten, I asked.

Its eyes were welling up with tears. Despite the fact that its voice is so small, it screams so loudly every time I touch its injured leg.

'I'm sorry, but I won't be able to leave you here.'

In this situation, what should I do? I'm afraid I'll be late. We also don't have access to a nearby veterinarian. This is the feeling I despise. When other people see a kitten crying for help, they simply walk past it, continue on their way, and maintain a blank expression on their faces. And here I am, incapable of even killing a mosquito. I'm simply too much.

As a result, I made the decision to bring the kitten home with me. I returned home with the kitten, which I loaded into the basket of my bike and rode back to my house. I gently cleaned the wounds on the kitten and wrapped them in a small piece of cloth. I was extremely gentle with it. I called one of my classmates to inform him that I would be attending the next class and would have to miss the first. Following that, I prepared milk for the kitten and forced it to drink from the container. I was ecstatic because the kitten had finished the milk. I don't have anything edible in my system.

'I'll just get you some food when I get home from school,' she says. I addressed the kitten in hushed tones.

Before I left for school, I told my mother about the kitten and entrusted her with it, telling her that all she needed to do was give the kitten milk.

'By the way, Nilliam, what time you'll be home?' My mom asked.

'Maybe 5, ma', I replied.

It wasn't a special day at school this time. I had my regular classes to attend, as well as the paperwork we needed to finish. I returned home right away because I needed to finish some paperwork and buy kitten food for my orphan. I was riding my bike and swaying my body in time with the wind, having a good time.

When I got home, I went straight to the kitten, but I was in so much pain when I saw it, lifeless and lying on the cloth I had prepared for her earlier in the day. My heart had been shattered into a million shards. I was so excited to give her the food I had bought for her, but I arrived too late.

I understand that this is an exaggeration for some people, and I agree with that, but I'm not sure if anyone else feels the same way about me in this regard. Others may believe it is so simple that it is perfectly acceptable for them to do nothing whenever someone or something requests their help. That, however, is not my way of thinking; I place a high value on life. I've always believed that we only have one life, and if there is any way we can help others avoid death or live longer lives, we should do everything we can, no matter how difficult it may be. Humanity, on the other hand, will live on in our hearts forever. Every day, I look forward to seeing the people.

I was holding the tiny kitten in both of my hands and murmuring:

'Perhaps I was too late... too late to go home.' I could have... saved you.'