Lingering Memories

Darkness. All around Blake was an eternal void. He felt his body light and floating in this bizarre space. Where was he? What happened?

'Ah, yes. A madman stabbed me.' His brain slowly registered. 'So I died? Is this afterlife...?'

As he wondered about his fate, a flash of light pierced through the darkness, followed by a surge of images and emotions. He recognized them as his own memories, but they felt distant and fading. He tried to hold on to them, as if they were his lifeline to his past self.

Blake was around five at that time. Blame it on his age and his fuzzy memory; he didn't even manage to remember what his dad looked like even after he passed away.

He could only remember some bits and pieces.

The dad in his memories was a very fierce man.

He would use a stick and beat him until he was rolling on the floor in agony.

When he was being disobedient, his dad would tie him to a stool and wouldn't let anyone let him go.

All his dad did was make him cry and act out; he really didn't know what to think of him.

Blake just thought that other dads would beat their children as well.

However, their moms would surely help to deflect some of it.

While his mom was always watching from afar.

Thus, he hated both of his parents.

The year he turned seven.

Two years after his dad passed away, his mom still remained a widow.

All alone, she raised him in this cruel world.

Blake would fall sick often and would take a very long time to recover, so she had to run all over the place looking for a doctor.

She probably ran out of money then.

Thus, she almost kneeled in front of his grandfather, his dad's father.

His grandfather gave her fifty silver coins and told her to repay it later on.

Friends and relatives hid from them, not caring if they lived or not.

Such was his family back then.

Selfish and dislikable.

When he was ten years old, Blake seemed to be waiting for something in school.

It was probably after classes; the rain was pouring heavily and many of his classmates had forgotten to bring umbrellas.

Blake kept watching the other kids get picked up by someone bringing an umbrella.

He kept waiting and waiting, but no one came.

Other kids had young, pretty, and rich moms, and they looked so clean. Jealousy filled him as he watched from the side.

However, it wasn't until almost everyone had left that his mom finally came over eagerly with an umbrella. She was so old, so ugly, and she was so dirty all over.

Everyone thought his grandmother had come to fetch him.

The young him was worried about losing face, so he lowered his head and walked as far away from her as he could.

But she hurriedly rushed up, held the umbrella up over him, and apologized.

"What's wrong? Are you angry? I didn't intend to arrive this late. I was rushing and accidentally fell."

Blake saw that her arm was bleeding. What a clumsy mom.

His heart softened as he helped her walk back to their small home.

When his maternal grandfather died, he was about thirteen.

He hid under the table and cried himself silly. His older cousin knelt in front of the corpse and his aunts rushed back and forth. 

When he was found, his aunt said, "Child, why are you hiding over here? Go and comfort your mom, she's been crying for really long, and no one's managed to console her."

Blake crawled out shakily and went downstairs.

Only to see that while there were sad faces around, she had cried until she had collapsed to the floor. She rolled back and forth, like a child throwing a tantrum.

When his grandfather was moved to the hearse, her agitated emotions turned into full-blown hysteria.

Everyone was crying, but they were still standing. How could she just lie on the floor just like that?

What a loss of face; she seemed so childish.

When he was sixteen, a big change awaited Blake.

He was rebellious, and full of ignorance.

His mom was getting older, but Blake was in the peak of his youth.

Thus, he quarreled with her every day, day and night. She always said that he failed to live up to expectations.

He loathed her blind worry and nagging, so he started to return home late and mix with all sorts of scoundrels. 

Blake wanted to be free, to become a famous warrior. But his mother tried to keep him on a tight leash. 

"I hate you!" he told her and left in a fit of pique.

A few days later, 3 am in the early morning. 

When he opened the door.

He saw his mother lying on the ground. She looked much thinner than a few days ago.

Blake was so panicked and shocked. He had cried so much at that time. Only later he found out that she had been suffering from a chronic disease for a long time.

With disease, she had worked herself for him… and he told her that he hated her.

Thus, he started looking for a job. He didn't have enough education qualifications, so he did many other odd jobs. 

It was only then that he realized how hard it was to earn money. Thinking back on the years where he disdained her for being poor, he went to the marketplace and bought pajamas for her.

Her happiness from receiving the first-ever present from him lasted a few months.

She would always boast outside that her son was so filial. She would talk about how her son loved her so much.

In reality, she was actually quite likable, but he never said it out loud.

But fate seemed to be against him.

Soon his mom's disease had started to act up. Her hair was white, and her teeth were gone.

However, when she looked at him, she still beamed. That was the smile he needed to carry on in life.

People started ignoring her when she walked on the streets, and their family started to get irritated by her when she was at ancestry home. 

But to him she was not annoying at all.

A year later, Blake finally had a full time job. Still, he accompanied her every day.

Only to see her hearing get worse and worse; he had to repeat himself a few times for every sentence he spoke.

The bad habits she used to have hadn't changed a bit. When he looked a little haggard, she started crying without warning.

He kept telling her to treat herself better, to treat her body better.

But she said, "Ah? I've already eaten. Have you eaten yet?"

"Take care of yourself, don't tire yourself out."

"What? You want me to cook something? Alright, alright." She replied.

Blake watched her slowly move her body.

She started to get busy in the kitchen.

Suddenly, a tear dropped from his eyes.

He shouted, "Mom!"

She paused and turned around. He said in a soft, emotional voice, "I love you!"

She actually heard it as she smiled gently and replied, "I also love you a lot."

At that time, Blake used all of his money to get the best doctors and medicines. He used any and every means available. He even begged from the people he hated. Only their small house remained.

But nothing worked.

His mother passed away.

As he watched that coffin descending slowly down into the earth, tears streamed down his cheeks in the midst of his hysteria.

He was unwilling, he refused to accept reality; he couldn't bear it at all.

He acted the same way he did when his dad beat him as a child.

The same way she had rolled about when his maternal grandfather had been buried.

Because Blake realized. Throughout his whole life, he told her about his feelings only once.

Time passed, Blake couldn't get over his grief for his mother. 

She drifted through life for his sake, and tasted all sorts of suffering in this world for him.

When she ate meals outside, she would always bring a bag so she could bring back tasty treats in secret.

He would always be looking at the biscuit in the hands of the kid next door.

She would go out to buy one in secret and watch him eat it with a broad smile.

He was too frivolous when he was young.

He never realized how tough she had it without her husband.

He only saw it as how hard it was for him without his dad.

Mom, he used to hate her for some time.

But now, she had disappeared in the blink of an eye.

He really wanted to see her. Blake wanted to tell her everything he had kept in his heart.

Did she know how much he liked her?

He wasn't good with words at all.

Was she hurt by him?

The 30 coin biscuits he used to eat cost one silver coin.

But they still tasted the same.

Like the ones she bought back then.

Why... did he suddenly want to see her so badly?

It was as if his heart was getting ripped apart... his entire existence was being molded into something new. Something that scared him.

His memories were slowly fading away. All the time he spent laughing, crying, shouting. All those moments were getting consumed by the darkness.

'No!'

Everything seemed to be like a fragile bubble. 

'I do not want to forget my mom.'

Popping one by one.

'No, goddamn it!'

Blake wanted to struggle but he couldn't move his body. All he could feel was the heart wrenching pain of his past self fading away.

Slowly, his gaze became blank.

Only a tremble remained.

A longing to cling to the precious image of his mother forever.

***

I am stockpiling chapters and will start publishing for real from April. So yeah stay tuned!