1 Beginning of the end

I am an emotional plagiarist, throw me in jail - charge me a fine.

I copy others time after time.

When I was in preschool I was normal. I had platinum blonde hair that reached my hips and shining blue eyes like the sky. I was a poster child for kidnapping. I was happy, gullible, and cute--at least that's what people told me. Then, elementary school came. My hair darkened to a disgusting dirty blonde color, I gained a bunch of weight (which was apparently "baby fat"), and I grew taller than almost every boy in my grade. I was still happy, though back then I was still myself.

When middle school came it went downhill. My friends from elementary--my "normal" friends--slowly disappeared from my life. Whether it was them trying to escape me, or me pushing them away. I never concluded.

My first year being a middle schooler became the beginning of many battles with depression, and it won time and time again. I separated myself from the world and spent most of my time with other warriors who fought the same battle as I did. We never realized that us "teaming up" only added more monsters to defeat. I read. I played video games. I generally did anything an everyday introvert would do. People saw me and thought, "There's nobody else like her," but they didn't mean it in a good way.

School became something I dreaded. It was full of teachers who didn't understand me and idiotic students who didn't understand anything. My only solace was my small, very small, friend group. They too were considered weird, they were bullied and they were talked about by other students. As far as I know, I wasn't. I don't know if it was my 'cheery' demeanor (insert sarcasm) or my ability to blend in with any crowd but nobody had ever bullied me. That was until my mother decided that we should move the summer before my freshmen year.

I had never been to any school other than Silver Creek. I had grown up with 90% of the people there and they all knew me; to an extent. I didn't know how to interact with complete strangers and I was angry with my mother for so long; how could she take me to such a hellish place? But parents don't realize stuff like that until it happens. To me,

That school was like a whole other universe.

One that I didn't belong in.

It's like I'm a puppet; I sing and I talk

If you pull on my strings I start to walk.

The school looks strange, bigger than my old one. The windows look like judging eyes and the doors are its mouth ready to suck me in and chew till it's content... until it spits me out in disgust when I loose my taste. I sense this dread before I even walk in. heading straight to what I assume is the office. The front desk is empty; anyone could easily walk into the school and there'd be no one there to stop them. Because of my mom's work, I'm here before almost ALL the students, but I feel the ones that are there staring at me like some foreign object and I quickly open the office door, hiding in the room from prying eyes. I find someone to talk to and they give me all the stuff I need. They welcome me cheerfully to their school and say all the cliche stuff they say in the movies to new students. Do they think it's supposed to be comforting? Because it's not.

They call down a girl named Mia, who is in my first class, and ask her if she would mind showing me around. I'm terrified. This is after all my first encounter with this species of student. The people from this world are most likely hostile.

She smiles and looks at me kindly and I feel the fear leak out of my body. I manage to somehow smile back. " Sure I'd love to show you around, we better hurry though school starts soon." Her voice was soft, what I imagine a butterfly's would be like, and I nod in reply, not yet ready to expose my voice. She shows me around the school. The halls are all the same and the rooms look dreary and undecorated. I keep telling myself to stay positive, people would open up to me, I'm a likable person, aren't I?

The first few days my only 'friend' was Mia. I felt like more than a nuisance to her, however, but she was too kind to say so. I sat down at her table alongside her friends; all I ever did was read and hide behind my books faces. I made light conversation, but I couldn't get over my fear of rejection and stayed within my cocoon. Mia wasn't like that; she truly was a butterfly. She was sweet, kind, and talked to everyone with the same look in her eye that said more than words could. I, however, did not have anything in common with anyone there, besides one boy named Sebastian. At the time, I frequently avoided him. He was targeted and feared by everyone at the school he frequently walked through the halls and the wall of people opened like the seas in that one bible story, I wanted to interact with him but I could never bring myself too. I figured I should start talking to the easy people first then maybe work my way up to him. Also, I selfishly believed that if I limited my interaction with him, I wouldn't be bullied.

Within a week of attending school, I experienced my first conundrum. I was walking through the halls early in the morning and I heard something coming from the boys' bathroom. It sounded like a fight and one of them was getting the worst of beatings. Other students in the hall heard what was happening and snickered I, however, didn't know WHAT to do. If I went to a teacher, I would be a snitch. But whoever it was didn't deserve to be beaten half to death, which is what it sounded like was happening. By the time I came to a decision it was too late. The boys were done and left the bathroom and all the other kids dispersed. What felt like hours later Sebastian came out, he saw me standing there, frozen as I saw the bruises and blood on his face and he knew that I heard, that I didn't try to help. I was just like the rest. But still; his blue eyes glimmered in defiance and he smirked at me before sauntering off disappearing as the people in the halls separated around him.

I make jokes and I laugh like everything's well

But inside my heart, a pain starts to swell

Eventually, I gave up on trying to find people I could get along with; after my experience with Sebastian I told myself he must hate me and he was the only kid in school, besides myself, who frequented the manga section in the library. I knew we had that in common at least but whenever I found him sitting on the chairs next to it I would run away. Funny enough, a new girl showed up the day after. She had red streaks in her dirty blonde hair, dark makeup, and wore chains and black. I thought she was beautiful, and she looked like someone I would get along with. Mia was told to show her around the school, and that lunch, she sat at our table. I fought up the courage to talk to her, but in the end, she talked to me first. "Hey, my name's Lexi."

Her voice was deep compared to other girls and she looked at me with nothing but curiosity, as if I was a strange question someone had brought up in conversation. "K-Katherine." I stuttered. This is the end. How could I stutter like that! Now she's just gonna brush me off like everyone else!

Surprisingly, she smiled brightly as if the response had shocked her. Was there something on my face?  Next thing I know, she's sitting next to me, talking away, asking questions I don't know how to answer, and telling me things about her that I didn't even have time to ask. I had finally found my first friend.

I cry and soon I get down on my knees

Please do not leave me I'll do whatever you please.

A few weeks went by like this. Lexi would talk and I would listen. She'd complain about a boyfriend problem, some girl at school, her mother, being lonely, and pretty much anything a person could complain about. I simply listened at first, happy that someone was willing to talk to me. I wanted nothing more than to help her feel better, and most of the time I would do whatever she asked in order to do so. I think Lexi knew this, and possibly took advantage of it. I started doing things I was absolutely terrified to do.

People started bullying me, I eventually discovered there was no way to stop it. Lexi made enemies fast and I was her only friend at the school. Since I was so weak and shy, people frequently took out their frustration for her on me instead.  Once my sophomore year came around, I was broken. I hadn't eaten in what felt like months, the other kids called me fat constantly and would always knock my food out of my hands so why bother to try anymore? I was pale, cuts and scars all over me, from the pain I felt I deserved, and from the pain other kids inflicted on me, and Lexi STILL wasn't any happier than she was before. Nothing I did could help her, and I felt useless. She was pulling away from me and I didn't know what to do, so finally I said yes to something I had frequently said no to: I would finally go to one of her famous parties.

And although it hurts, I got you to smile

Something that I haven't seen in awhile.

When I got to the party, I was terrified. I knew none of these people. They were all dressed intimidatingly, and here I was in a simple tank top and jeans.The jeans barely fitting after losing 15 pounds in the last month. The smell of some strange herb filled the air mixed with cologne and beer and everyone laughed almost insanely with each other. What were they on drugs or something? I looked around for Lexi and everyone I walked past stared. I heard her call my name and I rushed in the direction." safety...security…," I thought to myself. Friend. She hugged me and told me I looked cute, immediately putting all my fears to an end, at least for the time being. We talked for half an hour and then her boyfriend showed up and she was gone.

I sat on the couch hiding behind my phone for what felt like years until a random boy came and sat down next to me. He offered me a drink; I knew about the horror stories on TV about random guys spiking girls drinks and my anxiety kicked in. I wanted to curl into a shell but told myself that if anything happened, Lexi would help she was strong and she had guaranteed I would not get hurt at this party, the fact she even had to say that expressed what kind of parties these usually were. I took the drink and sipped at it slowly as the guy talked to me. Apparently, he was Lexi's brother Malakai, which put my worries to rest, and I smiled, drinking the rest from the glass. By then, it was too late; and the alcohol had set in.

For a girl who had never drunk in her life and hadn't eaten for a day and a half that one drink might as well have been a death sentence. All I truly remember was Lexi coming over and smiling saying she was, "...glad her brother had loosened me up a little and finally got the good girl to drink." Another thing Lexi hadn't been able to convince me to do...until now. I saw the look on her face, and I knew it was on purpose but all I could think was how happy I was that she was finally, genuinely, smiling. And I had caused it.

Everything was hazy but I woke up on her couch the next day. With a terrible headache and a sickness in my stomach and my heart. As the memories of the night before plagued me.

I remember kissing a stranger, people laughing at me, and the worst of all my jeans falling down, me, of course, being too drunk to pull them up. People would hand me a drink and I just kept drinking them, they all thought it was hilarious, I was so out of it I didn't know the difference. After waking I went home as quickly as possible, not even saying goodbye, and I was home from school for a week. Trying to run away from many other things I may or may not have done.

So, the lesson I learned? People were forcing me out of my comfort zone, and I didn't get away, that was my fault.

It was my life, but I saw it as my responsibility to make everyone else happy especially Lexi.

So after I finally went back to school. Things went back to the way they were freshmen year, except this time, worse. I hid from Lexi and from everyone. I spent my days after school wandering in the woods behind my home and listening to music. I couldn't bring myself to trust ANYONE again. That is until HE fought his way into my life even after what I had done before. The question inside my head became. Do I be who they want me to be? Like before with Lexi, or do I let myself STOP being...an emotional plagiarist.