October 1, 2009

Today was a long day in school and I haven't really eaten anything yet today. But I guess that's good

I just wanted to write something real quick before I go off to bed. So here it goes

Dear diary,

I'm fourteen and I always feel so nervous. Tell me why is it that everyone is so perfect

While I feel so worthless, and they look so happy. While lately for me, my mood has been crappy.

And I have come to believe all the things that I'm seeing. On magazines and TV, of every single perfect being. All the girls with perfect bodies, and such amazing skin. Oh how I would kill to live the life that they are in I've been trying to lose weight over that past couple of weeks. Throwing up after meals, on the rare times that I eat. I've been trying to lose weight over that past couple of weeks Throwing up after meals, on the rare times that I eat. But that isn't enough, I still need to do much more. To get this guy to notice me, people wonder what for. There's so much room in my tummy that it isn't funny I don't wanna be people's dummy, but either way I feel dumpy. Most of the time I am left here, thinking to myself, Oh god is this worth it, or do I need some help. Like I've been used by guys, I've been hurt by girls I've been hit by my mom, and cursed by the world. So I keep losing weight, just trying to be perfect. I'm waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm worth it. I don,t know how to feel when the pain is killing me every single day. When people say mean thing to drag me down, telling me to kill myself to make them proud. Then I go home and grab the knife to make me bleed. But when I bleed I try so hard to hide it from the worlds eyes so only I can see. That,s all for tonight.