1 Existence

My name is Soobin.

I often find myself to be quite eccentric, even verging on the unusual. Some might label me with terms like sociopath or narcissist, but I struggle to grasp a clear sense of who I truly am.

I view myself as friendless, lacking any companions to label as friends or acquaintances. I tend to avoid human interactions, finding them emotionally taxing and mentally draining experiences.

In essence, I exist without enemies or friends; that's the core of my reality. I tend to exhibit antisocial tendencies.

That's quite a redundant intro, right?

I am currently in my small off-campus apartment facing what psychologists would describe as an 'existential crossroads'.

In my right hand rests a bottle of lotion, while my attention alternates between the meticulously arranged tissue paper on the table and the paused adult video displayed on the 4K monitor. The scene unfolds almost like the prelude to an unconventional ritual.

I am hesitant.

There were two forces arguing inside my head.

On my left side, a chibi version of my devil self whispers, "Do it!"

And on my right side, the angelic counterpart warns me gently, "Don't do it. It isn't the right thing to do. The thing that you sought after will only leave you with the usual regrets."

As you might have already guessed, I am about to rub one out. The horniness had suddenly assaulted me without warning and my sexual urges skyrocketed.

Just to provide some context, I'm currently 19 years old, still a teenager, and grappling with these intense urges. While I can't claim they're entirely uncontrollable, I'm finding it challenging to suppress them. It's possible that I'm consciously allowing myself to give in to these impulses.

I've consistently weighed both perspectives, but it seems that the outcome tends to favor the darker side. The diabolical impulses and my overpowering desires emerge victorious once more.

The lotion is applied, and the video recommences its play. The meticulously folded tissue paper fulfills its fated purpose.

And that's when it hits me. The post-nut clarity. The regrets. I feel like shit.

How many times have I done this? I asked myself rhetorically.

That question automatically didn't have an answer. Who in their right mind keeps tabs on the number of times they masturbate? While there might be some who do so, it's a notion I have limited knowledge of, and honestly, I have no desire to delve into such details.

Have you ever beat your meat and then after nutting, you start to realize that life is just meaningless and devoid of vibrancy? Pleasure and validation seem to lose their flavor and entertainment value.

What is the meaning of my existence? Can someone out there give me an answer?

I experience a sense of being adrift and confined, akin to a small fish within a bowl. I long for the vastness of the sea, but it remains elusive, and my efforts to reach it feel thwarted. I honestly believe that I share the same sentiments with a few individuals out there in the world.

I am plagued with lots of stress.

I stand up from my gaming chair and power down my PC, causing the gentle warmth that had been embracing my skin to fade away

I feel dirty so I make my way to the bathroom to cleanse myself with some warm water.

Given the winter season, I have no intention of subjecting myself to the discomfort of cold water, unlike those seeking online attention with extreme actions.

After cleaning the water off my body, I admire myself in the mirror.

"I find myself quite enamored by my fortunate genetics," I chuckle inwardly while admiring the stunning young man before me, his rare turquoise blue eyes, delicate pale red lips, and velvety white skin.

My facial attributes harmoniously fuse Korean and British heritage, creating a seamless and balanced combination.

I have a toned torso that boasts glistening abs that would cause quite a hot sensation among netizens from Instagram and TikTok.

I've consistently maintained my commitment to working out, even without visiting a gym. It's worth noting, however, that I possess a somewhat self-absorbed demeanor. I simply can't tolerate the idea of my physique resembling a distressing sight.

Despite my striking appearance, I adopt a reclusive hermit lifestyle on social media. I steer clear of Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, with YouTube being my sole online interaction, primarily for entertainment. While I recognize my own strengths, I find little reason to seek validation from anonymous individuals behind blue screens. The contradictory nature of appreciating attention while simultaneously disliking it might strike you as paradoxical. I'd describe myself as a rather unpredictable and chaotic individual, to say the least.

Swiftly, I dress in a relaxed ensemble, opting for faded jeans paired with a gray sweatshirt

With a gentle tousle of my short, curly hair, I give a subtle nod of approval to myself.

There's a particular matter I'm choosing not to elaborate on, and it happens to be the root cause of my described stress

I am currently living in Seoul for my university studies while my home is in Suncheon.

As a child, did you ever experience those enchanting moments? For instance, spotting a plane and feeling an instant desire to become a pilot. Or witnessing someone skillfully repairing a captivating car, sparking the aspiration to be an engineer or mechanic. Perhaps visiting a hospital, where the sight of a person adorned in a white lab coat with a stylish stethoscope ignites the ambition to follow in their footsteps.

As you continue to mature and progress through life, those childhood dreams often begin to fade organically. Whether due to waning interest, a lack of resonance, or the inevitable intrusion of a formidable adversary known as 'reality.' Indeed, reality has a knack for harshly challenging aspirations, often acting as an unrelenting force. It's a bitter truth that bites many, exhibiting a certain cruelty akin to a sadist.

Reality is simply a bitch.

Even then, I was one of the lucky few to actualize their childhood dreams of wanting to enroll in a medical course.

At present, I am pursuing a major in medicine and surgery at a prestigious university located here in Seoul.

In Western terms, I held the esteemed title of valedictorian during my high school years and continued to excel in the grueling CSATs. I regarded myself as a sharp intellect, yet upon entering the university, a shift occurred. I encountered academic prodigies even more formidable than myself. Thus, the adage "there is always someone better than you" resonated deeply, revealing a new perspective. The realization introduced a subtle sense of pressure that settled within me.

My freshman year was a challenging struggle, and I barely held on. The course subjects proved to be exceptionally tough and akin to nightmarish challenges. The once familiar and enjoyable Biology and Chemistry transformed into daunting subjects like Human Anatomy and Medical Biochemistry, bringing a sense of turmoil. Everything seemed to be set to 'hell' mode. Life was undeniably difficult, particularly since I navigated it as a solitary individual

I'm presently in my sophomore year, albeit as a repeating student. Somewhere along the way, I made a misstep that led to the necessity of retaking an entire semester.

It is not like I don't want to succeed but somewhere, just somewhere along the way, I started getting tired and sick of it all. I am naturally ambitious but… laziness toward my own studies started creeping in like a tumor.

This issue of repetition had even caused my cheap Korean father to threaten to write me off the family registry, suggesting I should no longer address him as 'father.' Furthermore, he stopped providing financial support, a circumstance that didn't actually plunge me into despair

The nerve. The audacity.

To survive in the city, I had to have enough money for my own upkeep even if it meant leading a stringent and frugal kind of life. I am a minimalist so it hasn't been that bad to live off part-time pay and some online freelancing jobs. With this pretty face of mine, it was honestly quite easy to land any part-time job in Seoul, especially in those well-off restaurants. The rent of my small apartment is around 580k won which can already be considered a good bargain in such a super expensive city. Even though the hourly pay while working part-time in restaurants is good, most of the dough comes from my freelancing gigs. Let's not talk about the taxes en masse, tsk.

I am not trying to brag but you see since I am a dazzler in facial aesthetics, you would expect me to pull them right and left, right?

But not really… Women tend to be subtle when they approach me as if they kind of fear how I would respond to their advances. My social skills can be considered good but as time goes by and I continue to wallow in loneliness, I find myself losing touch with other humans. I normally blatantly ignore those women that show romantic interest toward me which can be considered quite rude but it's not like I care. Funnily enough, some men can also be added to the mix. That's how lethal my adonis looks are. There was this one time when I was still a freshman, I had to deal with a mildly stalking lady. It had honestly been creepy but luckily the yandere-to-be hadn't been more proactive after I had caught her in 4k.

Gulugulu!

My reverie is instantly shattered by my grumbling stomach. I need to eat something.

I suddenly crave chicken and beer. Pork belly and soju won't be a bad choice either.

I retrieve my phone and browse my Spotify playlist, searching for a song that resonates with my current mood. My playlist boasts a rich assortment of tracks from various countries, encompassing genres like K-pop, Letra, American pop, J-pop, phonk, classics, and numerous others. On a related note, I'm proficient in English, owing to my skill in it, Japanese from consuming countless anime, and I've also managed to self-teach myself some Spanish, although my fluency in it isn't on par with the former two. Of course, being born here, Korean is a language I'm naturally well-versed in.

"Today is not your day, Mr Rover. Let me look for something else." I chuckle while scrolling past some of my recently played songs

"Wanna be a rock." I then click on a random song that appeared in my recommended section.

The song has an Afro beats vibe to it, and it looks like it might become my top track for the week. It's surprising that this boy band I previously overlooked managed to produce such a hit. Closing my eyes, I immerse myself in the rhythm, connecting with the song's lyrics that oddly mirror aspects of my life and current emotional state.

My playlist is an open embrace for any song that brings positive vibes and compelling beats. For me, music is a universal language that doesn't discriminate. And as long as I continuously nod my head to a song, then it automatically gets a pass.

I slip on my face mask and cotton jacket, preparing to step outside. After locking the door behind me, I descend the stairs from my second-floor apartment in the five-story building, making my way to the lobby.

Stepping outside, I was met with a landscape transformed into a realm of white. The world appeared blanketed in snow, a serene and snow-covered expanse stretching before me.

Although the temperatures were strikingly low, they hadn't reached an unbearable level for me.

As I glanced around, I couldn't help but notice an unusually high number of couples leisurely strolling along the streets. It was quite a spectacle, especially considering the current state of the dating scene and how infrequently such scenes occur. After all, I was in SEOUL.

I found myself pondering about the day, though I'm not typically one to be acutely aware of the progression of time. While lost within my own thoughts and perceptions, time often seems inconsequential.

"Oh, it's chocolate day!" I quietly murmur to myself.

A couple nearby cast a curious glance my way before refocusing on their own affairs.

As I stroll down the street, I sense a mix of discreet and overt gazes from numerous individuals.

I stand at a height of 189 cm, which typically causes me to stand out conspicuously when mingling with a crowd of shorter individuals. Modestly put, my height is above the average for Koreans.

Indulging in the feeling of being visually appealing is undoubtedly satisfying, a sentiment a narcissist might readily express.

An eye candy that folks wish for.

Occasionally, my mind becomes consumed by dark and somber thoughts, a consequence of dwelling within the confines of my own secluded realm - my room

What if, one day, I possessed a superpower? Could the notion of city destruction become a facet of that reality? Or perhaps inciting chaos and unease among humanity just for amusement? It's a simple desire for destruction, devoid of any form of justification.

It's a common belief that many humans, or at least a significant portion, possess inherent inclinations toward malevolence and violence. Societal structures and laws serve as the genuine restraints on these concealed tendencies. In essence, anyone has the potential to become a killer.

While I harbor no hatred myself, I acknowledge that sometimes my imagination can run pretty wildly, for instance, the grandeur of fixing a broken world and playing the messiah.

Anyway, humans were already slowly destroying themselves through various atrocious acts. The act of me quickening the inevitable wouldn't be a big deal, right? I understand how twisted my reasoning is.

I don't hold the perception of being a virtuous individual, to begin with. I recognize my own brokenness, a state I brought upon myself. Much like any other human on this stubborn, annoying little planet, I view my inner self as a collection of decomposing rot. In the midst of this heap, I might liken myself to a piece of golden trash – a somewhat improved variation of trash. Wow, it seems my narcissistic tendency surfaces once more.

"Your thoughts are very dangerous, young one," an eerie voice filled with fluctuations and an air of antiquity suddenly reverberated within my mind, leaving me utterly startled.

Startled, I instinctively scan my surroundings, attempting to locate the source of the voice. To my surprise, I found no one standing or walking nearby.

"Where have the people gone?" I'm in a state of panic. Lost in the depths of my own imaginative realm, I had failed to even notice their absence

The streets were suddenly empty and deserted, deprived of any signs of life.

There isn't any noise even in the background.

It makes me think of the blockbuster horror movie "A Quiet Place."

I find myself just a few distances away from the barbeque restaurant, a place that normally teems with a plethora of customers.

'What is exactly happening?' I am scared shitless.

Telepathy?!

Impossible!

'Let's calm down.'

I tried taking deep breaths, one, two, and three, and after reaching the limit, I breathed out a little bit of my pent-up anxiety and fear.

"Who's there? Identify yourself!" I summon the courage to speak out and address the mysterious voice. My choice of words is oddly reminiscent of the ill-fated characters who meet swift deaths in horror movies.

"The world is presently enveloped in a state of temporal stasis. Fear not, for you are the sole fortunate individual to have been spared... alive."

Am I the last human on earth?!

For real?!

Hooray! Then this means I am not going to deal with mandatory military service! Fuck nationalism and patriotism!

I then chose to believe the voice…

I am not hallucinating.

"Why?" I find myself murmuring in a detached manner, devoid of any emotional attachment to the vanishing of my fellow humans. Loneliness and desolation have long been my constant companions, yet at this moment, a different sensation emerges – an overwhelming sense of boundless freedom.

"It's merely a matter of inclination. Must there be a specific reason to bring about the extinction of a world? If I choose to, I simply take action," the enigmatic voice responds.

The phrase 'If I choose to, I simply take action.' echoes incessantly within the confines of my thoughts.

A presence of pure malevolence, an incomprehensible and dreadfully ominous entity.

Those are the words that come to my mind after hearing the unknown being's lazy explanation.

Then why am I alive? Shouldn't I also be terminated along with humanity?

I am not anything special except for my looks which would no way in hell save me from damnation. I am not worthy of salvation.

"You are not unique. I am merely amused by you. Your mind and soul are a repository of darkness and negativity. It astonishes me how you manage to restrain your deepest, most sinister impulses," the eerie voice states.

I know it. I have never considered myself good or evil but just like any other human being, I tend to hide my inner self from the outside world.

"Considering your nature, I assume you have a particular task in mind for your amusement," I remark, drawing from my knowledge of various novels and fanfictions. However, in a rational context, I remain uncertain about the true identity of the entity I'm engaging with.

"Kekeke, quite fascinating. Your mind harbors awareness of diverse realms and those audacious beings you liken to me. However, I am distinct from them," the enigmatic voice chortles.

The ease with which my thoughts are being read is undeniably vexing. I find myself lacking trust in this enigmatic entity, yet I'm acutely aware of my limited options – there's little I can do.

"Little human, whether you consent or not, I've decided that you shall become my personal circus entertainer," the voice declares with a hint of amusement.

I've unwittingly found myself entangled in a deal with a malevolent devil. A deal in which my consent held no weight, and I'm left with no choice but to submit to the self-serving whims of this overbearing entity.

There it goes. I knew it. A bored and super evil, transcendental entity that treats other inferior existences as playthings.

I have read many plots of such kind.

It seems I have no other option. I never had one, to begin with. I will play along.

"Okay."

"I am sending you to a world where you can let loose on your darkest feelings."

"Can I choose where I want to be transported to?"

"Hmm, I beg to differ. I have something surprising in mind for you, jejeje!" The enigmatic evil entity's maniacal laughter filled the air, causing my head to throb as if it were being split apart just from the sound of it.

It appears that the carefully crafted wishes I had in mind must now be marked with a definitive "X," symbolizing their abrupt dismissal.

I can be sent anywhere. Literally anywhere. That's a big "I AM FUCKED" to me.

Even then, this entity is not following the standard route of the transmigration troupe. It hasn't shown itself till now.

"If I reveal myself, you will perish instantly together with all of totality. I exist outside the confines of both conventional and unconventional reasonings," the entity explains.

I remain silent, contemplating on the possibilities. It could be Colbob, an Old One, Supreme Archetype, or my guesses are just a long shot away from the truth.

It can be something more powerful than even what I am speculating about.

"My little clown, your journey ends here and a new one awaits. Ensure you don't let me down!" I have already disappointed my parents and many other humans(I bet my deceased mother and ancestors, whom I have never really met, are already rolling in their graves due to my disappointing life.)

His words sadly reminded me of the sustainer of the heavenly principles. (All credits go to Mihoyo)

This entity is so unpredictable, I think as I feel my existence little by little turning into nullity.

Derealization. My perceived reality is no more as my consciousness is gradually submerged by eternal darkness.

I just hope I am not placed in the middle of a multiversal incursion or genocide. Being a demon lord won't be that bad, right?

What I really never considered was my reincarnation identity in the other world.

Japanese light novels offer good humor in that segment.

That Evil supreme douchebag would have reincarnated me as a rock or cucumber just for the laughs and its own twisted amusement.

I unmistakably jinxed myself. Unknowingly.

***

[Author's Note]

A big ENJOY!