18 I thought the first time would always be the worst...

I had to tell you this—although it should be obvious—but I had never been involved in any romantic experience in my whole, short life. Being bedridden and confined to the ward didn't pass as a charming point, it seemed.

Anyway, the only romantic development I had was a one-sided crush on a handsome internal medicine resident. Well, I also knew that there were a lot of patients and nurses who liked him, so there was nothing special about it. It was a feeling that naturally surfaced as the man attend to me during the winter when I turned twenty, and went away with the melting snow.

Deep, deep inside my heart, I had wished that the answer was the other one; the sacrificial kind. Then I just had to resolve myself on hating him, seeing him as something evil and revolting just as the human propaganda always told us; resolved myself to plan an escape.

But now I couldn't do that.

Now, I was trapped inside a vortex of confusing feelings. Now, when I felt my heart beating and my cheeks warming, I had no idea whether this reaction came in response to the Demon Lord in front of me, or to the memory of a man whose name was already vague in my memory.

"Don't think too much,"

"...h-huh?" I realized I had lost in thought when I could no longer feel his fingers on my face.

Instead, there was a weight on my shoulder, and I stared blankly at the deep blue lock gathering there. "Don't make it complicated," he said again, crossing his arms and leaning at me.

Wow, easy for you to say, Mister Demon Lord. Did this man even know what kind of battles happening inside of me right now? I pursed my lips in annoyance, but when I peered at him, I saw that his eyes were closed.

"What...are you sleeping?"

"No," he smiled, but his eyelids weren't moving. "Just resting my eyes."

"That's what people said before they fall asleep..."

Natha just chuckled at that. "Might as well, then," his fingers tapped on his arm, and one of his eyes opened, staring at me. "Why don't you give me some bedtime stories?"

What kind of bedtime stories was being delivered in the afternoon with the sun still blazing? Was this guy really intending to sleep before dinner?

"...what kind of stories?"

"You," he closed his eyes again. "Tell me what you did while I'm gone."

"You can just ask something like that to your subordinate,"

"The silent one?" he chuckled. "I want to hear it from you."

Haa...I looked far into the rainbow-colored cloud above the tower, feeling those complicated thoughts and thinking about those complicated feelings. If I indulged him like this, would it make my thought clearer or just clouded it further, I wonder.

"I learned the demon language..."

"So you can investigate me?" I thought he wouldn't make any reply, so I moved my head to look at him, but his eyes were still closed.

"Yeah, since I won't be able to read your biography or whatever if I don't," I shrugged the shoulder he didn't use to lean on. "I haven't gone through your study, but if you have some secret diary or secret letter, I don't think it will be in a common language."

He laughed softly, blue locks trembling on my shoulder. "How honest of you,"

"You'll just sense my thought anyway," I pursed my lips, feeling a little bit sulky about this disadvantage.

But he gave me a surprising piece of information. "I'll tell you a secret since you're so diligent," the tone of his voice was playful, and I can almost picture him smiling without any need to look at him. "I can't do that when I closed my eyes."

My eyes turned so fast to look at him, widened with raised brows. "Really?"

"Wouldn't it be frightening if I had to ceaselessly sense people's thoughts when I go to sleep?"

Oh, I didn't consider that. It was bad enough when we always had a stray thought before going to sleep. But if I had to listen to others' thoughts on top of that...I didn't think I'd be able to sleep a wink.

"That does seem to be inconvenient..."

"Right?" he tightened his crossed arms as if he was shuddering at the thought. "What else did you do?"

"Hmm...we have picnics,"

"We?"

"With Zia,"

"She lets you call her that?"

"She said she can't call me Val if we're not friends..."

"That's about right," he smiled. "You shouldn't just let anyone call you that when you're someone's bride..." he opened his eyes then, and looked up at me, "...Val."

Well, I knew that much now. Apparently, once someone was being tied...in a relationship...um...romantically...the only ones allowed to call them by their given name was really close friend and family. Giving one's name to a stranger could be considered as giving others a chance of claim, thus, would be considered infidelity.

So yeah, I found out a few days ago that I had almost considered committing adultery with a teenage succubus.

What a horrid thought.

"Anything she told you about?"

"That apparently you are rich."

Perhaps because I said that in a flat tone, he opened his eyes and pulled away from my shoulder a bit, tilting his head to look at me. "Do you not like it?"

"...what? That you are rich?" I stared at him with a flabbergasted look. Why did he look at me like he needed some validation? What business was it to me whether he was rich or not? "Well, I thought that if you're not so rich, you wouldn't be able to get the Amrita. So I guess it's beneficial for me that you are," I shrugged, and watched in wonder as his serious look was replaced with a smile.

He straightened his back then, so I guessed the rest time was over. He stared at the darkening sky, before asking me; "Since you mentioned it, would you like to have it now, or after dinner?"

"Have what?" I asked dumbly, as he looked at me with a face that held back a tease and laughter.

He opened up his palm, where a dimensional pocket cracked open, and the familiar golden bottle emerge.

"The second dose,"

Oh...

* * *

I didn't think I would be contemplating this hard about when would be the best time to have medicine. To be fair, I never had to decide that before, since all my medication had been predetermined.

What put me in a dilemma was the state I ended up in during the first session; the fact that I was throwing up all over the Demon Lord and lost consciousness after. If I took it before dinner, perhaps I wouldn't throw up that much? But Natha also said it would be best to obtain energy from food first before we proceed.

And so, after contemplating long—and because Angwi had come with our dinner—I ended up eating first. Well, even if I ended up in the same predicament as last time, the one who had to deal with it was him, anyway.

"The first time, it mainly dealt with breaking the blockage along your mana vein," he gave me an opening lecture as I sat myself at the edge of the bed. "In doing so, it used so much force that your circuit became even more worn down."

Hmm...so it was like dragging a tire that was already stretched thin on the ground with speed. Since my mana vein had already experienced burnout from the initial accident during the war, it got even more tattered from the force that the Amrita used to open the blockage.

Well, you gain some you lose some, I guessed. It might be frustrating for a magician, but I was more focused on the fact that I was still alive and that my body finally functioned properly. To be honest, even if I couldn't cast magic properly anymore, I wouldn't feel lost or anything.

"Is that why you have me consume that herb drink every morning?"

"Yes," he took my hand and hold my vein. But I knew what he checked wasn't my blood vessel, but my mana circuit. "The remedy wouldn't heal your circuit, though. It only acted like glue. Otherwise, your circuit wouldn't be able to handle the next treatment. Do you understand so far?"

As I thought, the Amrita wasn't some miraculous drug that solve everything just by gulping it down. Just like how medicine could become harmful, it acted like a double edge sword. Just like how a chemotherapy patient needed to be at a certain level of health before taking it, so must my mana vein before taking the Amrita.

Once again, I was reminded of how lucky I was. If I just take it like that, I would have probably dropped dead, just two months after my transmigration. Well, that would just mean I died again, so whatever, I guess.

But staying alive sure felt better.

Just as Natha said, he was being so good to me.

"Okay," I nodded at him, and he let go of my wrist.

"This time, it would probably try to break more of the blockage. But since a hole had already been made, the breaking force itself wouldn't be as fierce,"

"Oh, then it won't be as bad—"

"However," he smiled, like a doctor crushing the hope of sick children. "There's a possibility that it will try to mend your circuit on the way."

I couldn't help but gulp at the foreboding dread. "...so?"

"So, it might be a little bit more painful," his smile grew sweeter, and it just made me more nervous.

"Just...a little bit?"

He brushed my hair, and rubbed the corner of my shaking eyes. "Just a little bit,"

"Liar!"

I pressed my lips and scowled. I thought I wouldn't have to be subjected to any more pain, but...

"Do you not want to proceed, then?"

I bit my lips and stared hard at the floor. As I said, I didn't really wish to heal fully, to have Valmeier's original prowess back.

But that would be a naïve thought.

It was fine hoping to live peacefully without pain, as I originally wanted. But what kind of world was this? And what kind of condition I was at? I was living in a land that treated me as an enemy, with a kingdom that would probably treat me as a traitor and a thief soon.

And thus, I need power.

I need Valmeier's power.

Also, there was something that occurred to me when Natha said that the herb drink only acted as glue. It meant that my circuit was still fragile, and just like broken things getting patched up with glue, it could easily break with time, even with just a touch of a gentle breeze.

So, in the end, I decided to just go with it. "Alright," I took a deep breath, and nodded, more for myself than to notify him.

Fine. Pain from medications was just like my old friend anyway. I had been living with a lot of pain before, so what was once more?

My eyes were fixed hard on the floor for a while, but a cold hand tilted my face up. Just like the first time, when he told me to obediently open my mouth.

But this time, there was a clear tenderness inside the silver irises, caressing me like a soft moonlight. "You just have to endure it this one time. I'll make sure you're okay, so just endure it from within."

Again...this tender gaze, this sweet tone...it brought me back to the snowy night and warm feelings.

The more I experienced this, the more miserable I felt. It was as if I cheated on him, even though we didn't really have any proper relationship. Even though I was the one who one-sidedly brought into this.

Really, I wished I never remembered that doctor at all.

"Val?"

"...I'll hit you if it's more than a little bit..."

He raised his brow, and then laughed softly, pressing his lips on my forehead. "I'll let you hit me once, then."

"That makes it seems like it'll hurt a lot..."

And then, mercilessly, he pulled my lips apart. "It'll just hurt for a little bit, sweetheart,"

Fuck. That made it seem scarier. That is exactly what a doctor said before giving injections to a child.

But I opened my mouth, closed my eyes, and let the golden liquid drop into my tongue, and seeped into my veins.

It was definitely, truly, not just a little bit.