Entry Nine

Dear Diary,

I... It's been a while. I've skipped writing in you for a few days because I haven't quite been feeling so well. It's a bit hard to talk about what happened, but I suppose it might be good to put the words to paper.

David ended up bringing me a proper sword not long after the last time I wrote an entry. Then he wanted to practice swordsmanship, even before we had finalized a contract for it. I... Sorry it's hard to write about this. I died so many times during that training and I... I am still having a hard time sleeping well because of it.

When Theodore visited me to finalize the contract he said... he said that the dungeon core was starting to become corrupted. Apparently, even though I can be resurrected by the dungeon core when I die, my own poor mental state and the short time between deaths was having an effect on the core.

That's kind of scary in its own way. If the dungeon core becomes too corrupted, apparently it can affect me as well. Then I could become a danger to others and Theodore might have to see to it that both me and the dungeon are put out of our misery. While I used to think that... that death might be preferable to reincarnation, I don't know if I feel that way anymore.

Dying is painful and... I really don't know how I let David talk me into 'training' like that. It was like a nightmare come to life and I still get shaky when I see him. He had said that it would be good to get used to dying so that I could fight without being afraid of it. In concept, it didn't sound so bad. You know, kind of like exposure therapy? However, now I still feel like my thoughts are jumbled up and it's hard to feel motivated to do much.

At least, when I sleep things are peaceful. I can dream of Lee and I feel safe and happy. I don't want to be awake... I don't want to suffer anymore. It all just feels like far too much right now. I kind of wish I had never met David, but now it's too late for that.

He's been training me every single night in swordsmanship, but he is no longer allowed to hurt me. Theodore saw to that. He almost killed David when he heard what he did to me. Then he saw to it that the contract was in my favor. I still don't know how I feel about being forced to accept his presence for an entire year, though. I suppose, Theodore is probably right that David likely didn't know what he was doing.

Apparently, most of the people of this world don't know much about dungeons and those who are bonded to them. Theodore had actually warned me that my own monsters could end up having their souls corrupt to the point that they could no longer respawn, even when assigned to a monster spawner. I just didn't realize that the concept would apply to me as well. Luckily, he says that I just have to avoid dying unnecessarily in the future and try to work on balancing my mental health. Then the dungeon core should recover as my own mental health improves.

Kind of funny to think that now I have to worry about something like depression literally killing me.

-Violet