The Heart's Language

I was terrified! Was I taking a step back or a step forward? The chilling thoughts riddle my head. I was dreading my future, maybe it was because I used to taking one step at a time but this felt as I just fell down a flight of stairs with nothing or anybody to catch me.

"I CAN'T DO IT" I say as I throw the backpack off my shoulder and it hits the wall and falls onto the floor as I freeze. "I can't do this again" I admit to myself instead of filling myself with these uncertain pleas like, you can do this. Right? What was the point? When I came back from this battlefield what was I coming back to? I had nothing!

"Honey?" I hear as my door creaks open and tears finally fall from my eyes.

"I....I can't! Don't make....me? Pl....please?" I beg as this stranger is taken aback.

"Honey, please don't cry!" He begs me as he bends down to me and holds my hand. "You'll make me cry" he says through his smile as I see tears in his eyes. And for the minute I lived in the fantasy that this stranger may care for me, but he didn't. He loved Renee, everybody that loved Francesca was dead or gone.

"We'll walk downstairs together" he says as he loops his arm in mine, "Arm in arm" he assures me through his warm smile and I wished I had a father like him. As he leads me down the stairs, as promise and his other arm with my backpack follows closely behind us to the door. "There's a friend waiting for you at the door" he tells me as he ushers me towards it as he kisses my forehead.

I take a deep breathe as I open the door and see Nathaniel. "What?" I question aloud as the stranger walks over to Nathaniel and pats him on the back.

"He offered to watch you and show you around school again, I figured why not?" He explains as I sigh. I didn't know what I wanted, but part of me felt as if maybe facing the outside world alone was better than being sheltered, it would only hurt me.

"That's fine" I assure him as he smiles at me and kisses my forehead, and for a minute I gaze into his eyes and I'm his world and I struggle to keep it together.

"Have a great day, beautiful" My dad says, sending me off as I start to walk out the door and plainly wave back as Nathaniel trails behind me and I unravel at the distance.

"That's so weird" I whisper underneath my breath as I flick my eyes to him and see him examining me and the depth of my question. "I didn't do anything. Why are you staring at me like that?" I ask him as he shrug and I already know why he's staring, and he does too.

"What's so weird?" He ask me as I stop in my tracks. Looking down at my legs I wanted to go, but I couldn't, I was eternally frozen.

"I....i...-" I manage to choke out as I really want to move but I won't, not for all the weight in the world will my legs give in and let me be, instead they just stay.

"Look" he says as he back tracks his steps to mine and stops. "There's nothing to worry, nothings wrong" he says as I know he's telling the truth but my heart and my brain are telling me two different things. My brain knows, there no threat, that I'm absolutely safe but my heart........ My heart knows the fear and dread that's around the corner, the emotions bubbling up are a warning and I can't help but obey my strongest organ.

"But there is......there is something wrong" I spit out as the tears start bubbling up in my eyes and I want to fold, making this street my own. And then when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it does. "Na...-than....-el?" I croak out through the breathless throat of mine as I struggle with the wind, making it my enemy, air I was trying to catch.

"Francesca?!" He says, my name sounding rushed and worried words through his lips as I see the panic in his eyes.

"I....- wan.....-t,...ho-me. Let.....me-...go.....ho-me" I beg through my shorten breath and the panic pumping through my heart and circulating in my veins.

"We will, I'll take you" he says with his eyes sinking down to mine as he slips his hand into mine. "I promise" he calms me as he picks me up in his arms and my books drop at his sudden surge of a idea. Laying me on the concrete and looking at me in my eyes as my hurried breathing continues with no sign of stopping. "Look up to the sky" he says as I flick my pleading eyes to him as he sits beside me on the sidewalk.

Truth be told I didn't know what this was. What was happening to me right now was the worst feeling anyone could experience, I was drowning surrounded by oxygen. I couldn't breathe, and I wanted nothing more than to breathe again, so I obliged.

"O...-ka..y" I answer back through patchy breathing, nodding my head to his commands.

"Now...." he says as he pauses and takes a minute to think. "Tell my what you hate?" He ask me as I try not to think about the question and just answer.

"Bl..ood, ...hos-...pit...als and...and??? And school" I answer his question as he nods his head back and forth, trying think of another question for me.

"What do you love?" He ask as I smile at that ridiculous question.

"I...love- birds...flowers and books.., I really like books" I answer as he smiles at me.

"What makes a home to you?" He ask as I don't think, I just answer.

"A.....warm blanket-" I start as I squeeze his hand. "Something to hug.....and- a nice view" I admit as he smiles at his thoughts.

"Are you feeling better" he ask me as I lay there, admiring the birds sitting on the power line before me.

"It's still.....a cha..se" I admit as I'm the nightmare is finally starting to end, the race is close to the finish line and the terrible feeling will soon be washed away.

"Good, then maybe you could tell me why this happened?" He ask me as I sigh at the guilt, deep down I knew why this happened...but I was afraid. Afraid that if I told him he'd laugh at me, berate me or just ignore me. This subject was as fragile as a dove in the night. A beautiful, authentic thought until it was shot down, then nothing worth thinking about remained.

"I can't tell you" I say as I sit up and he offers his hand to me as I take it to stand up and flash him a slight smile.

"Francesca" he calls my name as I look into his eyes deeply and he smiles that sly, caring smile that I fight to not let melt me. "You can tell me" he says as I shrug to his words.

"No!" I say as I turn my back to him, "I can't really, I'm sorry" I apologize to him as I run, run as fast as my legs can take me in the hopes of avoiding the questions. The only time I ran to school as my solace, the solace away from my father.