Suicide Watch

"Renee?" I hear as I open my eyes and everything is burred, I can't see a thing and I can't move my arms

"Who? Who are you?" I ask groggily as I keep blinking with the hope of eventually making out the figure but instead I'm just left with sight of a orange blue sitting next to me. I could feel whoever it was sitting at my bedside holding my hand, their warmth sticking to my cold hand.

"Your going to be okay Renee, I promise" say the voice as I can now make it out to a mans voice. As he says those words I take my hand out of his and let it dangle from its straps.

"That's the thing, I wanted it to work this time" I whisper as I close my eyes and try to forget the pain. Being here, in this bed felt so familiar and so painful all in one. The feeling of being unsuccessful consumes me as I sigh.

"Don't be like that, please Renee. If you could jus-" he protest as I just roll my eyes and ignore him and find myself lost in my own thoughts.

This felt to familiar to me, I tried to fight the feeling of the endless sadness with the reminders of my best memories but even somehow those turned dark as well. There was no fighting. How could you win a battle that was already won before you even arrived? I tried fighting it but the sadness consumed me in the first thirty seconds I opened my eyes, blended into like camouflage, it now became a part of me.

Days passed, in and out that I felt like this. The second day I was discharged from the hospital and encouraged to see a therapist, but what difference could that make? I soon learned that the man that was at my bedside was my own father and he soon would grow to be my worst enemy. Spending every second of the day stuck on my tail and endlessly watching. Constantly asking me how I feel as his eyes tried to tear into my soul to find a answer, wanting to tear apart the wallpaper just to find the simple justification of why.

As I woke up to the annoying sunlight, hitting my eyes I couldn't help but think to myself what great things about have to look forward to today. Another day of being on close watch and asked constantly why, I can't take it! As soon as my feet hit the floor but adds it releases the slightest creak and suddenly the door bust open as I see my father standing there, waiting.

As I sigh at the sight of him and walk past him as I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth as he never stops gazing. And then I walk downstairs as I hear him follow closely behind me as I roll my eyes and throw myself down on the couch and turn on the tv.

"I'll be right back" he says as he runs upstairs and I throw myself back on the cushions of the couch, to tired to do anything. I could run to the kitchen and stab myself but no matter what I did I always felt tired. Tired of my mind racing all day and never stopping til it was to late, til I was dug into a hole. As I say there, watching tv suddenly I hear the doorbell and snicker as I refuse to give it my slightest chance of attention as I ignore it and my father come barreling down the stairs, struggling to get his arm through his jacket as he rushes to the door.

As I hear the door open and sigh as I slouch further into the sofa as I just wish it would fulfil my wish and finally consume me. As suddenly I hear footsteps creep up behind me and slowly making their way around the sofa, to me. "Renee" my father say as I slowly sit up, to hear whatever "important" announcement he has to make to me. "I have to go back to work sweetie but I'm afraid of what you'll do when I'm gone" he say as his eyes lower to wrists, "So I found someone capable of watching you while I'm gone." he say as my mouth falls open in awe, not of who was standing in front of me but of his decision.

Sure I am no adult but I'm my own person. Here I am, constantly faced with the constant goal of gaining true, peaceful rest and all anyone wants to do is guard me. Like some precious token? I just want out, my life was a endless story, one with the squeals nobody has asked for but yet they just keep coming. My story needs a ending, the ending I want may not be the sweetest but its the one I want, the one I so desperately need. The one I dreamed about, and went to bed hoping one day I'd wake up and it'd be the truth.

"This is Noah, he'll be watching you from now on while I'm gone" my father says as I feel like I've seen him before, but maybe its just a case of deja vu taking over. "He goes to your school and will be with you every minute. Isn't that great honey? A true miracle, isn't he?" my father ask me as suddenly I just know this isn't me, but I don't even know who I am at this point. I'm just stuck in this colorless world as my freedom is taken away more and more every day, every second I breathe I become more and more trapped. And at this point I am becoming claustrophobic.

"So your solution to my suicidal tendencies is to recruit a babysitter for me? I'm no kid! I may want to die but I'm not dumb, I rather drink bleach!" I yell as suddenly I can't take the little passive aggressive comments and sly insults, they took to long! I wanted him to know that I was alive (sadly) and I was just only being reminded of why I did it in the first place.

"Well its not your decision!" he shouts as I pause and try to figure out who he's talking to as I realize he raised his voice at me.

"ITS STILL MY DECISION!!!" I scream until my cheeks are red and my throat burns.

"WELL ITS NOT, YOU LOST THAT DECISION THE SECOND YOUR MOTHER DIED. THE SECOND YOU DECIDED TO PULL SOME STUPID SH*T LIKE THIS-" he screams as suddenly he looks to my bandaged wrists as I pause. This made me angry, but above all he was right. I will never get to make decisions about my well being, never again. I will, and will always be treated like a annoying child, silence at the very least.

"Fine. Make all my decisions, I don't care anymore! Just make sure you pick beautiful flowers for my funeral, it'll be sooner than you think, if I have it my way." I say as I've had enough and walk up to my bedroom.

For a second it hurts. The pain of those words, only clarifying what you already know. And all I gained from that conversation was I am nothing but a burden, to those even closest to me. But it only proved to me that my project had a purpose. The second I was out of their lives they would maybe be happy again, without me. My goal wasn't selfish, it is selfless. The few people that stuck by me would never be anything if they stick close to me, I had to do this, if not for me for them.

As suddenly, yanking me out of my deep thoughts I hear knocking at my door. As I just keep staring out my window and I hear my door creak open and someone take a deep breath, as if they were walking into a dragons den.

"Your father left" he says as I turn around and I see him, finally. As his eyes meet mine I finally discover that they are green, my mothers favorite color. His black hair was parted to the side, his hair not even long enough to fall at his shoulders but still wild. And his face that was just the definition of perfection. Where has this angel been hiding?

"I know, heard the second he drove out of the driveway" I answer back as I force my eyes to pull away from the perfect human art piece standing in front of me. Standing so close to him I was ashamed, next to him I was just I blank canvas, nothing to compare to his beauty.

As he sighs loudly and I feel him staring daggers into my back, "Francesca?" he ask me as my ears perk up in curiosity and confusion. "Who's that?" I ask as complete surprise fills his face, fear.