Dec. 1, 2020

9:26pm

I honestly don't know what to write. I wanted to write how I feel. Anger, stress, hatred, pain. But now.....those feelings are gone. I have been keeping my feelings to myself for as long as I can remember. But now as I am getting older I need a place to write them down. I finally have the courage to write them down so my mind can be free. I want the weight off my shoulders to be lifted. The lid on a closed jar opened...so here I am.

9:31pm

Sometimes I feel I am worthless. Just a big pain in the butt. A thorn in a foot. But then...my friend always comes to cheer me up with her big smile, letting me know she's happy to see me and be my best friend.....to let me know I am not worthless. Yet now it is hard, COVID is blocking everything, making life harder than it is.

9:35pm

My mom is a roller-coaster. She can be angry, furious, kind, sad, happy, sweet. But when I make a small mistake, she makes me feel like I failed a million paper essay. Then at the end of the day I go to bed with her since I am still afraid of the dark. ;-; I cover my face with the blanket and sleep to the very edge, almost falling off the bed and softly sing to myself. I sing sad songs on the radio and weep softly not wanting her to hear me. I feel I am just not worth this world anymore. I have a hard lump in my throat while I am writing this, tears forming in my eyes. No matter how hard I swallow it will not go away. This is just half of the story. When I make an even bigger mistake like failing my social studies test I want to kill my self. My mom gets so furious. She starts breaking things, yelling at me and my dad, and hitting me with a stick. It is hard to explain. I mean it is like my mistake, not hers. So why is she mad? I want to commit suicide. This one time I got really close and went up to the kitchen and took the knife from the draw. Luckily I stopped myself just before I could do anything harsh. But to keep myself from doing these things I needed to feel the pain some way...so I just started doing self harm. I scratch my hands and forearms, making them into claw marks like a cats. I don't stop there, I claw at them till they start bleeding, turn red, and I fall asleep soon after. In the morning while I take a shower I turn the water up high and hot and furthermore burn my arms. Then I lay on the bathroom floor sobbing my eyes out but keeping my voice low. I am a very emotional person, I can't stop crying when I get something wrong. I can't stand up to my parents and I hate writing about them here. It breaks my heart. That's it.....I broke down. I am sobbing to myself right now and shaking furiously. In the morning when my parents ask what happened to my arms, I lie and say I scratched it on the wooden headboards of my bed.

9:50pm

Being an only child is hard. I wish I had an older sibling, boy or girl. I don't care, I want them to support me through everything and help me stand up to my parents. I want a sibling to comfort me when I am down. Some people say that it is better to not have siblings but for me I wanted a sibling really bad. When I become a mom and have kids I will probably have 2 so that they won't be lonely, but if I have one I will adopt a dog. Not that I don't already plan to get one when I get my own house.

9:53pm

Good night. My feelings are out, the weight is lifted, the lid opened. My life story begun.