Confusion and Thought

I woke up with no idea of what was happening.

I must have fallen asleep almost immediately after that strange experience. The entire world was dark and cold and everything still hurt. Not much had changed. I found myself resting on some kind of hard floor.

My eyes finally opened. I blinked. Everything was blurry. I could only make out rough figures but no details, nothing concrete. No colors either, it was like the world had turned into a badly made old cinema movie. I remembered the first few seconds after I woke up, it had been so bright that I couldn't see anything, I could only yelp in pain. I hadn't noticed then. I made a dispirited sound.

My limbs moved jerkedly. Was I a human? Was I actually alive? Was this real? I asked myself. Who am I?

I hadn't made much progress when I heard the sound of a door creaking or closing. At least I hoped it was a door. It sounded like one.

A hazy pale creature entered my very small circle of vision. It was a roundish object, I could tell it was alive because it kept moving around. As I was lying on my back, I supposed if it was a human, I must be seeing a face.

I closed my eyes as something patted my head, a hand, probably. It felt slightly scratchy but warm.

Two hands lifted me up into the air. A human. I was sure now. As I grew closer to the figure, I saw long dark stuff covering the thing's blurry head. A woman, I guessed. I squinted for a better view. Soft, high vibrations entered my ears, tickling them and making my eyes wind up.

It wasn't a good feeling. I almost never cried, but right then, I couldn't help myself. It started with a subconscious whimper, but then the sounds got louder, turning into a complete wail.

I should stop, I told myself. This was utterly embarrassing. I tried to close my mouth but it didn't work. My voice kept screaming without my consent. My belly growled. I was confused, the most confused I had ever been my whole life. It had been so long since I had actually felt something, so I cried out again.

The woman came nearer, I could tell sounds getting closer. She stopped moving. I kept venting my frustration out on the air molecules.

The woman made some more sounds as if replying, or I guessed it was something like that. I stopped crying to catch my breath. It was silent for a while. I watched her curiously, cautiously, not moving.

The lady did… something. She was moving. I was moved nearer towards her. My face bumped against something warm and soft and my mouth accidentally touched it. What was she doing? I wondered.

I had no idea what to do. My face bumped closer and closer to the white mound, my mouth opened and closed. Soft flesh was rubbing against my face. I was very hungry… my stomach growled and made a deep noise. I wanted to eat-

I lifted and arm weakly and pushed the thing away, or at least, tried to. I was too weak. It wasn't pleasant, not being able to control anything about your own body. The thought of human meat didn't appeal to me. I didn't want to let my mouth near it. I didn't want to do anything before confirming the current situation.

Maybe the woman didn't like that. Her limbs moved, sending me closer to the multicolored pink mound until a round dark dot pressed against my face. I opened my mouth.

And screamed. Whatever she had been expecting, the woman wasn't expecting that. She recoiled, I breathed ragged breaths, my belly still growling.

I did not like that thing, whatever it was. It smelled vaguely pleasant, but it also kept messing with my mind until I couldn't control myself anymore. I didn't want to give in to my impulses.

The smell of sweetness drifted up my nostrils, messing with my consciousness. Eat it. Drink it. Do it. I mentally shook myself as I noticed what was happening. It was like when I was dying, I thought. I was fading. Fading away to become a blob of impulse and action.

My mind was turning murky, my memories were sinking away. Me. What was I? I want to eat. My thoughts were turning one-dimensional as I screamed and screamed, trying to think of something. Anything. Me. I was me. I was me. I wasn't going to give in to my desires. Ever. I was my own person.

I had experienced death once before. I was never going to let my thoughts fade away. I would rather starve to death than that. I didn't want to- I couldn't-

The screaming continued. I stopped after some time, same as before. Not due to exhaustion or laziness, though. It was like between my thoughts were a paper thin object I needed to cling to. It kept trying to slip away, like it couldn't all fit inside my brain. A dull haziness filled my head instead, and it took all I had in order to not let my thoughts disappear. I didn't have the energy to scream.

Me. Me. Me.

I couldn't remember too much after that. Perhaps the woman gave up. I was sent away from the softness and was sent back onto the ground. Something covered my body. I squealed in protest. The woman made a sigh, she took a few moments to cover my body again. It was warm, so I couldn't see her anymore.

I closed my eyes and ignored the growling of my stomach. It was like trying to remember something in your brain that you knew, but couldn't remember. There was a wall that stopped me from remembering. I had hauled my thoughts and memories over that wall and into my head again.

I could think again. I was becoming clearer. My eyes opened.

I had things to think about. Important things that the lady had interrupted. My eyes sparkled, and my thoughts ran again. And I could think. It was the biggest relief I had ever felt, an even bigger relief even compared to knowing I was alive again.

I could think.

It took a couple of seconds for me to calm down. Let's just go over everything slowly, I told myself.

Firstly, Death wasn't absolute. There was life after death. My memories still remained with me. These sentences were the best. I laughed. But they also brought along serious questions. And most importantly: where was I?

I organized what I had just experienced. I had died from my landmine explosion. I was pretty sure about that, The pain had been realistic, it was vague, but I could remember fire and screaming? And nothingness. Pure nothingness.

Yes, I definitely died. But I was alive. Was this rebirth? I pondered. That currently seemed like the most feasible answer, even though it made little sense, nothing else fit the bill.

After my death, I arrived at a warm place. Then I was sent outside the warm place into a painful and bright place. I cannot see properly and my arms and legs are weak. My thoughts are hazy-

This… did very much sound like the birth of a baby.

A baby. Me. How did this work? Was I a reincarnated person, or was I a person who could remember my past life? It was the only possible explanation, yet it brought more questions than answers.

I let out a cry. My stomach felt like it was trying to consume itself. Babies eat… milk? A mother's milk? Was that what I was being fed a couple of minutes ago?

My limbs wouldn't listen to me. They flailed all around the place. I screamed again.

It was then. As though the sounds of my crying were setting off something, there was suddenly a massive flurry of sounds, all passing my ear. There was the sound of a door opening.

"φզҟçҽì× ƐӀìąղ?" I heard a voice say.

It was a high female voice filled with concern and anxiety.

"φզҟçҽì× ƐӀìąղ, ղօ աҟѵìʂҟ ąʂҟʍҽì." The speaker said in a bright, happy tone. I frowned. I couldn't understand anything she was saying. The woman kept talking, and then she moved. I couldn't see what was happening but I saw something warm and wet reach my lips. Subconsciously, I started sucking. My tiny hands tried to grab onto the soft material.

I tensed, then stopped myself. It was all okay. All okay.

I could bear the allure of the milk. Somehow, it was easier to control myself. It was like simply knowing I was reincarnated was helping me get through it all. I stopped as soon as I was full.

"φզҟçҽì× ƐӀìąղ! " The woman cried out again, softly and happily. I coughed, feeling something rise inside my belly. I felt something reach for me, digging under my mattress and supporting my body. I was being lifted.

I didn't struggle. My eyes were wide open, staring at the lady. She was less fuzzy and out-of-focus now that I was closer to her. Small wrinkles were under her eyes, showing that she wasn't young. She was definitely not from Korea. Her long flowing bun and her overall appearance looked more European than Asian.

"φզҟçҽì×!"

Was that my name?

I let out a burp as she patted my stomach. My mind felt complicated.

The woman said another few words before lowering me back down. Her smile never fully faded away. I heard her sit in a corner of the room and I couldn't see her anymore.

She hadn't left. I could feel her presence, and I didn't hear the sound of the door. She was still inside the room. I was in some sort of cradle, probably. I couldn't sit up on my own yet even after trying really hard, my arms wouldn't support my body properly. I wanted to see. See everything around me, everything inside my room. I was curious.

The room was nice and warm. It was quiet. The ruffling of paper and cloth would pass by my ears every once in a while. Maybe the woman beside me, the lady who fed me, was reading a book or making something. Maybe she was cleaning up.

I tried to think, but I couldn't come up with any other possibilities other than reincarnation, and that maybe this was all inside my imagination. That everything that was happening wasn't real, and that it was a dream or a hallucination. That was something I would rather not think about. Losing my mind was...

I decided to assume I had been reborn. For now.

If I was reborn, where was I reborn? Who was I? Who were my parents? Was she my mother? I peeked, or tried to peek at the lady who was resting peacefully next to me. Maybe she was. I couldn't remember. It was possible that she was my mother, because I could sense she was being very nice to me. She was feeding me.

It was just that something told me she wasn't my mother.

Her smiles and happiness didn't feel genuine. Her movements and smile were very natural, yes, but it didn't feel as if she had any maternal instinct towards me. It was like this was her job. Nothing too extra. She wasn't caring for me as an individual, but as something else.

I sighed. Maybe I was overthinking things.

I still remembered the dazzling lights that appeared when I was first born, dazzling me with their presence. I had been held in the arms of a woman, and her voice- it was exactly the same as the person inside my room right now. I should just call her 'Lady'. It was simpler that way.

Logically, the person who first touches the baby should be the midwife, then the mother should be the first to hold the newborn. So the Lady was my biological mother.

After my birth, I fell asleep. I couldn't remember anything about my surroundings.

I used my arms to gently nudge over the coverings over my body. It looked like it had a fancy design, but I couldn't tell much. I couldn't tell the color or details, just that there were lots of complicated shapes on it. Lots of pentagons and fancy lines that looked vaguely like lace. My eyes kept draw to the circles.

My name.

It was a weird sound, made with a squeak, then 'sie-X'. 'Elian', the end part of my name, was much easier to say. I was probably born somewhere around Europe or America, judging from the Lady's features. Possibly Australia, but 'φզҟçҽì× ƐӀìąղ' didn't sound like English. The language was making me confused.

I closed my eyes to fall asleep.

My head was a mess, filled with questions, but I sent it all aside inside my cradle. Today, I considered it a win. If I was really reborn, my life should change to become very interesting from now on.