The Break-up

Following your dreams or following your heart. That is a difficult decision to make. You spend so much time of your life living for a dream, for that purpose that drives the bones moving in your body. Then again your heart can also give you a purpose, it can give you a dream that is worth living for too. But they say follow your head and not your heart, following your heart is a bigger risk to take, though is following your heart, not the better choice to make.

That brings me to this moment. Am I going to lose Isabella because I want to follow my dreams?

I look deep into that big brown eyes of hers, I am shocked to see the tears build up in them and tiny drops roll down her cheeks.

"Boo, no, why are you crying?"

I try to pull her into my arms but she softly pushes me away.

"I don't understand, what is wrong? Why are you crying? Why can't I hold you?"

She is breathing short heavy breaths and I can hear little sobbing noises coming from her chest.

"Please boo, why are you so upset?"

She takes a deep breath before she speaks, wiping the tears away with the sleeves of her white jersey.

"Clay I can't do this. My heart can't break again, I won't survive it."

"What are you saying?"

"I think it is better if we end this. We both are going to get hurt. We are already hurting and it is just going to get worse."

"I can't believe what you are saying. I don't know what to say. This is..."

"This is the best for both of us."

"Why don't you let me decide what the best is for me?"

"Yes you are deciding what is best for you but it is not best for me. I cannot go through that shit again."

"So I must decide between the Marines or staying with you. Is that what you are telling?"

"No cause I have decided."

"For fuck sakes Isabella, can I not make my own damn decisions too?"

"You have already decided Clayton. I am just making it easier for you."

"Easier? Really? Do you call this easier? You just conveniently decided to break it off cause you can't deal with it if I go to the Marines again?"

"Yes, Clayton. I think that about sums it up."

"Fuck this shit. I did not sign up for this."

"Do you think I signed up for this shit? Sorry not again."

"Then maybe you should not have fallen in love with a Marine in the first place."

"You damn right. I want you to leave. I don't think is anything left to say."

"I can't believe you. It is not only your heart that is breaking."

"Then I guess we are both heartbroken."

"Whatever, just leave it. I am going to go. I wish you all the best with your decision. I am not dealing with this shit right now."

"Good luck with the training, I really wish you the best redeploying."

"Bullshit!"

"You are right it is bullshit. Please just leave."

"I spin around and storm out the door."

As I hit the gravel road that leads down to my house, the pain explodes from my heart and I burst out in tears. They are running uncontrollably down my cold cheeks and dripping down my neck.

The pain is incredible, it is too much, I can't breathe and my body has gone stiff, I can't move. The hurt pounding in me is too much to bear, it is suffocating me, paralyzing me.

I sit down on a nearby rock and grab my face in my hands. It is gone completely silent around me, the only sound is that of a dog that is howling in the distance but I soon realize it is not the howling of a dog but my own crying.

I have the incredible urge to take my phone and to phone her. To say I am sorry, sorry for the mean things that I said. Sorry for hurting her and making her cry.

But I don't...

I get up and make my way home. I know I am going to have to face my mom and dad. I wish I did not have to but there won't be any avoiding them.

As I step into the kitchen, my mom and dad are sitting around the counter. This is normally the time for my mom's afternoon tea and my dad just usually sits and irritates her with all his wild stories and constant complaining.

They immediately notice me as I come walking through the door.

"Hey Clay," my mom greets me as she turns to face me.

"Hey mom, dad."

My dad is the first to see that something is wrong and he takes no time in finding out what. "Son, what is wrong?"

My mom steps forward and reaches her arms to me, "You look like you have been crying? Is everything ok? Is Isabella ok?"

"There is no more Isabella mom."

"What do you mean there is no more Isabella?"

"We broke it off. We not together anymore."

"But why? You guys were so happy together."

"She said she can't be involved with a Marine again."

"But she knew you were one."

"Yes, that was before I was going to deploy again."

My father that has been quiet all this time, suddenly speaks. "Son don't worry so much about that. Women are in any case just a distraction."

"Richard! You can't say things like that."

"It is the truth, Denice. Clay needs his head in the game down there."

"Maybe dad is right mom. I can't be worrying about if she is ok when I need to focus on staying alive."

"Oh Clay. Come here."

My mom pulls me into one of her infinite hugs. They are so soft and warm and infused by her sweet floral perfume. They are the best. They always use to take the pain away when I was small and they doing it now again. Even if it is just for a short while.

"I think I am going to go to my room. What was the best day of my life has just turned into something I want to forget."

"Ok Clay. I will call you for supper."

"Don't worry mom, I think I am just going to sleep."

As I turn to leave the kitchen, my dad softly taps me on the shoulder, "We will see you in the morning son."

"Should I tell Matty to still wake you for training?"

Now that is a good question. After all that has just happened, do I still want to go through with it?

"I don't know. I will decide in the morning."

I make my way to my room. I sit on the edge of the bed and start taking off my buddy. Here I thought all this time that Isabella will push me away because of my leg but instead, she pushes me away so that I can follow my dream that took this leg away in the first place.

Nothing makes sense.

Just then as I take my phone out of my pocket, it buzzes. I look and see a familiar number pop on the screen.

"You forgot your clothes."

Without thinking clearly, I type the first thing that comes to mind.

"Keep them, burn them, donate them, I don't care what you do with them."

"There is no damn reason to be rude about it."

"Well, there was no damn reason to end our relationship."

"There is a reason."

"A damn fucked up one if you asked me."

"I am sorry you see my heart as fucked up."

"Oh and what about my heart?"

"Clayton I am not having this conversation again."

"Then why did you text me?"

"Urgh. Just leave it. You are impossible."

"Bye Isabelle. Just remember that I love you."

Oh god. What did I just say? Fuck how do I recall this message? What was I thinking? Did I mean it? Was it the right time to say? Most importantly what is she going to say?

I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

She never replies.

I lay down on my bed with my phone clenched in my hands. I soon drift off to sleep.

Come morning I hear Matty knocking at my door.

"Come in Matty."

"Hey Bro. Are you still doing this or what?"

I think back to last night when I told Isabella that I loved her and that she never replied. Itis obvious, she does not feel the same way. Is it worth fighting for something that will probably never work? I mean, after all, I cannot make her love me back.

"You know what Matty, let's do this."