Morning Thoughts

My mind is slowly starting to gain awareness.

This is the feeling you get when you wake up in the morning.

The sun has probably already risen.

What any normal person would do in a situation like this is open their eyes, but I was nowhere near normal, and I did the exact opposite.

I tried my best to keep my eyes closed, and it worked for a while, but that didn't help with the unnecessary thoughts running through my head freely.

This wasn't anything unusual for me; I lived with it for a long time. I want to say it's something I'm already used to, but that's not the truth. All I did was try to adapt and maybe coexist.

They say that a person is the master of his thoughts; if this is true, this leaves me with two options. The first is that I suffer from a mental illness. This is a very unlikely option. It is true that I do not have any control over my thoughts, but I do have some kind of control over the feelings that I choose to display on my face.

I don't think this is a proud feat, but I am proud of it for a number of reasons, most of them trivial, of course.

The ability to control the feelings that you share with others means that you will not embarrass yourself in front of anyone else. It is true that you may face situations that will make you feel embarrassed to the point of wanting to kill yourself, but with this amazing ability, you can simply hide those feelings from others, and you will preserve what remains of your dignity, but only on the outside, of course.

Controlling facial expressions is a form of self-control, or at least that's what I think.

I still haven't even opened my eyes yet, I don't think this is an achievement worthy of applause, but it can be seen as a testament to my mental health.

Some may argue that the abundance of unnecessary thoughts I experience almost every day says the opposite of what I think about my mental health, but I would argue that these thoughts do not affect my ability to make decisions.

And since the first option has been ruled out of the question, this leaves me with the second, more likely option, which is that I am not a human being. I know this sounds cliche right from the start, but I'm just saying that as a metaphor because I haven't found a term that fits my situation.

Anyway, I will explain a little.

They say that the human life cycle revolves around his ability to control himself, his awareness of himself and his choices.

Since I do not have all these three conditions, I came to the conclusion that I am a being that resembles humans only in appearance.

I'm not flattering myself when I say I'm inhuman. Yes, I can have tremendous self-control when it comes to insignificant things, like the fact that I haven't opened my eyes yet, but when it comes to things that are of great importance and could affect my future path., I end up doing nothing.

I let out a quiet sigh.

When my thoughts reached this point, disturbing memories began to invade my mental space. I made some effort to try to push them to the back of my mind, but it was to no avail.

It's not like I don't have solutions for situations like this. As I said, I've lived with this for a long time. In situations like this, I use the grace of forgetfulness to solve them.

I'm an expert when it comes to the art of forgetting; after all, I've lived my whole life forgetting important things that I should have taken care of.

What I did in this case was to change the topic of my thoughts; more precisely, I returned to my previous topic.

I am a person with great self-awareness. I can argue that there is no person in this world or any world who knows himself as well as I do. At least, I like to think that is the case. I do not mix with people often to confirm these ideas of mine, and until I am proven wrong, I will consider this to be the truth.

By the way, human self-awareness means that a person recognizes the path that he must pass through, whether by desire or necessity. Self-awareness is a concept that is difficult to explain because it varies with the degree of differences among individuals.

There is the first category. Individuals who belong to this category are human beings who have worked hard during the three periods of their development: childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. They naturally gain self-awareness of their future path, and it is easier for them to accept it because they have worked hard for it and also because it is usually in the form of desires or dreams.

Second category. Individuals who belong to this category are human beings who wasted the first quarter of their lives on entertainment in all its forms. Naturally, their future options are limited. In order for this type of human being to gain self-awareness, they must accept that their life choices are not the best. Then, for the sake of necessity, they force themselves to live a modest life.

Some people think that this type of life is insulting, and people who have accepted such a life do not deserve respect, but I think the opposite is true. Your self-awareness is to accept yourself and the choices you have made and move forward with your life. These types of people deserve respect because, instead of assigning blame, they look forward.

This leads us to the third category. Individuals who belong to this category also have limited future options. Although it may seem similar to the second category, the matter is different, like night and day, literally.

What separates this type from the second type is that this type does not have any self-awareness. They delude themselves into believing that they deserve the best in life and do not accept that the adversities and hardships they experience are due to their poor life choices.

This type usually ends up committing suicide or imprisonment, at best. And Like everything in life, there is a dark and bad side. because most individuals of this type take the path of crime as a solution to their inability and weakness. They not only destroy their own lives but also the lives of others around them.

I've never met this type of person before; not that I want to meet them anyway, but even for someone like me, I can't help but have negative feelings towards them. They don't have the courage to accept the consequences of their life choices or even the courage to end their lives. They live their lives like parasites. They feed on the achievements of others.

These are the three types of human self-awareness, and if you take a closer look, you will notice that these are the types that make up human society. There is no secret there.

I let out a heavy sight,

And, of course, there is a fourth category of mine;

I'll be honest, I'm not an exception to the hall; I just cheated my way by postponing my promotion to become a human. I am a being with great self-awareness. I have the potential to be classified into any of the three categories, but because of this awareness, I was able to postpone this choice for four full years.

As I said, a person's self-awareness is the ability to recognize the path he must go through. In these four years, I had various choices, some good ones and some bad ones, but there was something holding me back that prevented me from making a decision. I know what I am capable of and what I can become; what I don't know is what I want.

Or maybe this is just an excuse for something else. I like to think that there is an outside force preventing me from making a decision. I was certain for a while that this was not true, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I lay on my comfortable bed without any movement with my eyes closed for a long time.

After a while, I let out a sigh and thought to myself,

'If only I balanced my mental work with my physical work, who knows what I would have become.'

I put that out of my mind and got back into my thoughts.

In any case, in the period of a person's life, all important decisions are made with care and prolonged thought, and how these choices affect the individual's future, such as choosing the academic major that you will take, is an important choice that can change your life for the better Or worse, some individuals take such a choice lightly, including myself.

I know it's shocking, but my case is different from the normal cases i see every day for several reasons.

Such actions have a name known to everyone, which is recklessness.

Recklessness is making life-altering choices based on temporary feelings.

Love and friendship are two of these things. It is a tragedy to watch young people with a bright future make wrong choices based on useless feelings.

I can say that I also made reckless choices, but I didn't do them based on feelings. I like to think that the reason I made these choices was instinct and ignorance, but in fact, there is a reason. All the choices I made were to buy time. What I don't know is why.

Why did i made these choices?

Why do I think I need time?

Maybe I like the idea of doing nothing, or maybe I'm just an impulsive person who thinks too much about himself.

I don't have all the answers, and I couldn't get them anyway.

I didn't even try; my life was just an endless journey of buying time, but that soon changed, like all things in life.

Every person experiences at least one life-changing event that pushes them to be better, to change themselves, and to live up to expectations set for them. I was one of the people who had an experience like this. I thought this was my moment; it couldn't get any worse.This is a changing point in my life. I have to do something.

I didn't do anything; I tried; I convinced myself that I tried, but in reality, my attempts were not attempts at all. For a long time, I did not know how to feel because, for the first time, I saw myself as I really am and learned what I had been ignoring for a long time.

They say that the way you do anything is the way you do everything.

I hated myself because I couldn't or tried to do anything. Things couldn't get any worse than they were. Every day I look around me, and what I see is how quickly the people around me change, draw strength from the most difficult situations, and move forward.

but me...

squeak..'

I heard a faint gnashing sound, and then I noticed that I was unconsciously grinding my teeth hard.

Again, without realizing it, my thoughts turned in an unwanted direction. As I said, I am an expert when it comes to the art of forgetting, so I knew what my next step would be. I tried to push these painful memories to the back of my mind. This time, it didn't work as I expected.

I let out a faint laugh,

'It looks like I'm not as good as I claim to be.'

I tried it again, hoping to get rid of what was bothering me, but to no avail.

'You can't have everything in life as it seems,'

I cursed under my breath and thought,

I'll say it again; I hate the fact that I have no control over my thoughts. I know that's not something anyone can do, and yet I'm not proud of that fact.

After a few rounds of torturing myself,

I let out a heavy sigh.

the longest one yet,

Only then did I have to open my eyes.