Twenty-four: Waste of space

I trembled and pointed wordlessly at the squat, ugly building that lay at the end of one of the paths leading away from the square. There were only two things in that direction. The Solitary Block - that is, the toilet block I had been living in, and the Field. Nobody lived in the Field, so everyone else would be able to guess. I couldn't meet anyone's eyes but stared into Katja's, hoping she would realise what she had just done to me.

Katja started and looked at me with big eyes. A dawning understanding flooding her face with horror.

"We need to get going. Got chores to get done and stuff."

The others, after realising where I was pointing, immediately turned around and hurried off, disbanding our group. Only Maurie and Priscilla were left with Katja.

"I'm - I'm sorry," Katja said, while I looked down at my feet and twisted the hem of my shirt between my fingers. "I didn't know, Jean. I apologise. I've gone and made things worse for you, haven't I? I'm so sorry. Look, I believe in you. I really do. No matter what anyone else says. I don't believe you're a traitor."

Maurie patted my shoulder and walked away. Priscilla just gave me a look I didn't understand before she left.

"You should go and do your own thing," I said to my feet, watching Katja's nervous feet shift on the uneven brick pavement of the square. "After seeing where everyone lives, I don't have much time before my curfew bell rings. There are still a few things for me to get done."

"Jean," Katja gave me a quick hug and tried to look into my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to let her see how miserable I felt. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," I nodded without looking up. My eyes traced the unevenness of the brick and wondered just how old the Compound really was, contemplating its history before the war began. I heaved a heavy sigh. "They would have found out eventually. It was only a matter of time. I mean, they were already suspicious of me. It's ok. Maybe you should keep your distance too. Just in case I get you into any more trouble. Being my friend might cast suspicion on you too."

"There's no way you're a spy or a traitor," Katja declared. "Don't you let it get you down. I believe that there will be a day when your name is cleared. Hang in there. I'm going to believe in you to the very end, no matter what anyone else says. It's been a mass of coincidences so far. I'm sure their investigations will show that sooner or later."

She hugged me again and wiped a tear from my cheek.

"I'll always be your friend, no matter what. You hang in there ok? I'm here for you as long as I can be. Alright?"

Finally I met her warm concerned eyes with my teary ones. I couldn't tell her how grateful I was to hear all that. That someone believed me. That someone would stand by my side no matter what.

"Thank you," I choked out and wiped my eyes. It was all I could say and insufficient to express how much what she'd said meant to me. "Thank you," I repeated and then, covering my eyes, ran away.

When I got back to the toilet block, I realised that I'd forgotten to buy dinner. Nevermind. I'd look silly running back. Also, there was a bunch of soldiers standing around.

"Go into your room and stay there," a soldier ordered me, pointing at my room.

To one side, I saw the dour accounting woman watching from her door with crossed arms and an emotionless face. To the other side, I saw the sour man being pushed into a vehicle wearing handcuffs. He had a resigned, blank expression on his face. When he glanced at me, a glint flashed through his eyes and I thought I saw a small sneer before my view was blocked by the soldier who roughly nudged me into my room. The door was shut behind me.

I wondered what had just happened. It felt like it was something big. Had the sour man been convicted of treason and crimes already? Were they taking him away to be shot? Would I never see him again?

I didn't like him but he had grown to be a familiar sight, along with my other neighbours living in this block. Him being taken away made the threat of being convicted as a traitor and spy more real. It made the war more real when I had been trying to forget it by immersing myself in other things. Like work. Like daily life and what my next meal would be.

Did the dour woman living two doors away from me know whether he was going to come back? Had she betrayed her workmate? Had they been partners? Had the two agreed for the man to take the fall? Had the two of them really colluded with the enemy? Or had it just been the man?

Fear made me sweat and forget about being hungry. I listened to the sounds of soldiers and guards outside, rocking myself on my mattress while hugging my knees.

Just before the curfew alarm went off, the nasty female security guard paid me a visit.

"One of you bugs finally got convicted," she crowed in my face. "He'll be executed by a firing squad in a few days." She forced me to my knees and made a gun shape against my forehead. "BANG!"

She laughed at how I jumped, sneering.

"You wastes of space and resources should all be shot sooner rather than later," she patted my cheek none too gently. "If I could, I'd do it myself and put you out of your waiting misery. Do a good deed for our country by getting rid of Bosky sympathisers. Good riddance. Just you wait. Your turn will come soon. It'll be good riddance to exterminate scum like you."

She kicked me over and strode out. The curfew music sang and then chimed. The lock clicked into place.

I hugged my knees and rocked. Rocked myself to sleep.