Twenty-eight: Isolation

Katja and the other girls were at work the next day. Katja apologised to me over a cup of water by the water cooler.

"Katja, you disappeared yesterday," I accused, trying to act normal when I could see she seemed quite discomfited.

"I'm really sorry, Jean," she said, looking around nervously. She passed her cup from one hand and then back again. Her feet shuffled. "You might have heard. Eleanor came to pick three of us up. We got cleared to leave the Compound. I'm sorry I left you hanging. I'm really sorry I left you alone."

She tried to sound normal and cheerful as well but something was wrong. Very wrong. There were tears in her eyes. It was like she was saying goodbye and apologising for more than dropping out of a race halfway.

"No sweat," I replied, realising what she was trying to really apologise for without saying it directly. Tears filled my eyes as well. She was leaving me alone. She'd been warned to stay away from me in case I accidentally implicated her as well. "It's ok. Really, it's fine. It means I got to beat you again. Ha! How's that? Anyway, there's always a next time, right?"

"Right," Katja said with a tight voice. "Maybe next time. When everything is over."

"That's right," I agreed, taking a deep breath and doing my best to hold back the tears that were insisting on forming. "I'm really happy for you. It's great news. When are you leaving the city?"

"Next week," Katja told me, knowing I would understand what she really wanted to say, "but… Jean, look. I'm really sorry."

"It's ok," I felt my voice crack a little bit. My last friend. My only friend left in this war. The one who had sworn she would stay on my side.

"It doesn't mean - doesn't mean that…" Katja tried to explain but couldn't get the words out.

"No, it's fine. I understand. I really do. Be happy. Stay safe," I told her in a quiet voice. "No matter what, I appreciate it."

Relief filled her face.

"Thanks, Jean," she wiped her eyes. "You're a good person. Don't you forget it."

"Of course not," I retorted, wiping my eyes and pasting a smile back on my face. "I was a good person to start with."

There was a long silence while we looked at each other and everything else around us.

"I guess we should -"

"I gotta get back to -"

We spoke at the same time, gesturing back toward our desks.

"Work."

"Yeah," I said, struggling to keep a smile on my face and my tears from spilling. My chest ached. I wondered whether I was succeeding in looking normal. Her chin quivered a little and water filled her eyes. She looked away.

"See you around."

And then I was alone.

In order not to disrupt the tentative attempts at maintaining a cheerful atmosphere and office camaraderie, I opted to isolate myself. I didn't go to the lunchroom anymore. I ate at my desk. If I didn't have anything else to do or wasn't hiding in the toilet to keep a lid on my emotions, I was at my desk. Being a good worker. Pretending I didn't know anything else. Couldn't hear anything else. Just a piece of the furniture.

Katja and I waved goodbye to one another from a distance with sad eyes on her last day.

"Stuff this," Katja burst out in the end, running over to envelop me in a big bear hug. "Don't give up," she whispered in my ear. "I won't give up on you either. You can probably send messages to me through Eleanor if needed."

"I'd better not," I replied, tears overflowing. "Take care, ok? Stay safe. Hope you find another running partner."

"Back at ya. They'll likely never be as good as you," Katja jostled me. I stepped away. "You'll probably never find a partner as good as me either," she boasted through her tears.

"That's for sure," I agreed. "You'd better go. I need to return to being invisible."

"They'd better clear your name," Katja said hotly. "If not, I'll… I'll…"

I laughed and pushed her away to join her friends who lived in another direction.

"Safe journey," I called and waved.

She waved and ran off. I trailed after the small number of those still living in the Compound. By my estimation, another few days and they'd be gone too. The workplace would only have Boss, Eleanor and whoever else was still hanging around by that time. Most of those who could move out of the city already had.

Wiping my eyes, I found a handkerchief in my hand. I looked around. The printed pattern on it told me nothing but that it had belonged to a girl. I guessed it was Katja while she had been hugging me. Only she would be so thoughtful. How inattentive had I been that I didn't notice when it had been tucked into my hand?

I excused my inattention to my surroundings as a result of my emotions. From now on, without Katja around, there was no reason for me to have many other emotions. Even motherly Eleanor had been keeping her distance. The world sure was a cold, hard and lonely place.