One hundred and two: Eleanor

Eleanor pushed me to the ladies' toilets, planting me in front of the mirror. I shrugged. What was wrong?

"Jeanie," Eleanor shook her head at me, "Congratulations and all on your marriage, but I thought your man would look after you a bit better than this."

"Huh?"

"Jean, you're wearing a blanket as a dress. You don't have any underwear. Do you even have a bra? No? And what about your shoes? You planning on walking barefoot everywhere? You look like you just popped out from the middle of the war. Your hair is a mess. When was the last time you combed it? I don't know if we can get some of these knots out. You might have to have a haircut. It's been years since the war. Why are you still dressed like this? Don't your man care about you at all?"

"I only just got back yesterday," I protested. "He's been too busy making sure I'm healthy to have bothered with my appearance and besides, I don't know if I remember how to clean up anymore. I don't have anything."

"Just got back?" Eleanor frowned. "Where've you been?"

"I got kidnapped almost two years ago," I looked down. "But the doctor fixed me up. At least I can walk again. I can talk and I was let go. I'm here. You know what I mean?"

"Goodness," Eleanor held onto the wash bench, staring at me with disbelief. "Goodness. And you came out into the city today? If I were your husband, I would have locked you up for at least a year. What is he thinking?"

"And please, stop calling Kiran my husband. I haven't exactly decided what he is to me yet besides being a protector or guardian of sorts. He married me when I was still quite out of it. I don't even remember the marriage ceremony."

"No," Eleanor slapped her cheeks. "He didn't -you know," she made hand gestures.

"I-I don't think so. Even if he did, I won't hold it against him. I have pretty much belonged to him for most of the war. He's saved my life countless times, probably. I don't know, because he won't tell me. He's done a lot for me. More than I know, I think. So, he can have whatever he wants from me, it's just - just I can't bring myself to say that we're really married."

"I can understand why," Eleanor hugged me tight. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's-it's okay," I sighed. "I've gotten used to people misunderstanding me all the time. Not everyone wants an explanation. I'm mostly just a scapegoat and I have a feeling that I'm still being used as bait. So, there might be some danger in taking me shopping. I won't hide it from you and I won't blame you if you don't want to go anymore. After today, I may not even be able to come visit again in case I put you and Boss in danger."

"Sounds like life has gotten complicated," Eleanor fidgeted nervously. "You have a security guard though."

"Yes. There'll be someone else keeping us safe once we're on the street too. So you don't have to worry too much. I hope. I think."

"All right," Eleanor pumped her fist and took a deep breath. "If I don't help you buy the stuff a girl needs, I fear no one will. So, let's at least get you the basics today, okay?"

"Okay," I returned her smile. I'd missed having friends. I hadn't realised how much.

"Don't cry," Eleanor fanned herself with her hand. "You'll make me cry too and then there'll be two bawling babies in here." She cleared her throat. "Do you have any money?"

"Just a moment," I said and opened the toilet door. Iain had been standing there listening in on everything and I noticed Eleanor's face darken a little at the lack of privacy. I shook my head at her and looked at my guard. "Iain, do we have any money to go shopping?"

"Give me a moment," he raised a finger.

"Give me a moment to get ready too," Eleanor called from a cubicle. "You can wait for me in the office."

I returned to the office, trailed by Iain who was talking on the phone. In the office, I stood in front of a spare computer, gently touching the keyboard and itching to get back online. Do some work. Explore the cyber boundaries and see where the lines had been drawn. Feel the sweet tap-tap of keys under my fingers and the feeling of flying free when a program took shape under my careful deliberations. Surf the web.

A heavy hand fell on my shoulder, gripping me firmly. I balled my hands into fists and turned around to look at Iain who had momentarily stopped talking on the phone. His warning look was enough and I went out into reception where I sat on my hands. Stared at the dotted pattern in the new carpet.

Everyone uses computers in this modern era. Everything was done on the internet. People contact each other via apps and internet connections and if they didn't want me on a computer, they were hardly likely to allow me a phone. Mobile phones these days were practically mini computers. Maybe they'd give me an old beeper or one of the really old brick phones on which you could do no more than dial in or out. Or maybe, I'd forever be grounded to paper based stuff and be a kept woman by Kiran's side. Forever living in the Compound.

What job these days didn't involve the use of a computer or mobile phone? I'd be wholly reliant on Kiran. Forever a prisoner, living with my gaoler. Did he really love me? Or was I just an important chess piece to him? I wasn't sure. Maybe it didn't matter. In any case, it wasn't like I had much of a choice.

From the moment the war began, I'd slowly run out of choices that I could make. Now, I was mostly left with orders. At least, that's what it felt like. Should I just give in and accept Kiran as my husband and make up my own happily ever after?

Or should I continue to fight for my own free will and freedom in a world that didn't want to give them to me?

"Jean," a finger poked my shoulder. "Wake up. Let's go," Eleanor beamed at me.

I smiled back and we started down the long flights of stairs.

"Good thing this will help you and Boss keep fit," I poked fun.

"Yeah," Eleanor puffed. "It gets a bit tiring though. It's so many flights of stairs. It takes more than half an hour some mornings to puff my way up this many flights of stairs I hope they finish fixing the lift soon. Did you know, we own the whole building now? We don't know what happened to the old landlord. The Boskies, for some reason, are really happy for us to move back in, so they gave the whole building to Boss. So, even if we don't get much business back, hiring the office spaces out again and stuff, we should be all right. You won't need to worry about us. If we need your help, I'm sure the Boskies won't begrudge us calling on you to help with some grunt work."

"I'll be happy with whatever excuse I can get to get out of the Compound, I think," I told her.

"So tell me," she said, in between breaths as we went down the many floors of stairs. "What had you so lost in your thoughts that you couldn't hear me earlier?"

"I was wondering," I said, "whether I'm actually still a prisoner of sorts or whether it's all in my head."

Eleanor glanced at Iain's straight face and wisely said nothing. We descended the stairs in silence after that.

At the bottom of the stairs and while we were exiting the building, I asked Eleanor.

"So where to first?"

"I was thinking we should go first to Maisie's," Eleanor brightened up, "to get your undergarments and basic things. After that, we can go to…"