THE CARNVERSATION.

"I saw that." Ana stated in between laughs as she started the engine.

"Don't start." I stated laughing because I knew everything she was saying was quite true, and there was nothing I could do or hide about it. Leniey was, of course, a central figure in my life. Maybe he was someone I had not yet figured out, but I knew he somehow was. He just hugged me anyway, but of course the hug...

"What's your deal with Kelvin?" Ana asked as we headed to the highway.

"I can't,.. I'm going to leave him, Ana." I stated.

"Do you love him?" Ana asked. Of course, she had asked for the word "love. She always asked; she had asked before, and today she is still on the topic, 'Do you love him?' Yes, I loved him. I felt a spark for him. I liked the way he bought me things. I liked the way he made me feel—special, the word I would state.

"I guess yeah." I stated, sounding confused of sorts, because, in a real sense, I was confused. After Leniey arrived, I started feeling mixed signals, and I had not yet noticed all this—the signals, the distance, and everything else.

"What is it that you love about him?" Ana asked, and I suddenly felt like she was dealing with me more like some sort of therapist, as if she wanted to open my eyes for me to see where all my love was.

"The way he makes me feel." I stated, then continued after a short pause, "I wanted it to work out; I want it to work out, but... my head is confused." After stating that, I suddenly felt the sadness, the emptiness, the feelings—everything came rushing, as if my mind and heart were not communicating. It felt sad, and I knew Ana realized everything I was feeling. I was confused about what I really wanted, who I really loved, if I really loved, or what I really wanted. I remember stating earlier that I had decided to just take a shot at all this. It had been two years since my time with Leniey, but when he came back, everything in my life just could not add up, right. My relationship was crumbling and crazy; I did not care; it was like Kelvin was suddenly not in the picture; and... I don't know.

"You are confusing them, Angel." Ana stated, and suddenly I was also confused about what Ana was trying to mean, but before I could speak, she continued. "You see, Angel, Kelvin adores you, and Leniey, I feel he still feels a lot for you. The way he looks at you as if there is no one else in the room, the way he speaks to you as if you both share something intimate—that's something I don't think a man of his aura would do to any lady. I state you confuse them because it seems Leniey is waiting for a chance—the smallest of chances—to maybe have you alone, while Kelvin is lonely fighting with the insecurities he has, which are caused by none other than you. I am not suggesting that you leave both of them or that you hate yourself for all that; I just want you to create some space for yourself and familiarize yourself with your feelings and who you really want. And the person you choose, make sure you decide to leave the other for good. Maybe at some point you still feel something for Leniey, but you cannot move on if you still keep on replaying the memories of those who you lost a long time ago." Ana's words were harder and deeper than anyone had ever told me. I looked at her, and I suddenly had nothing to say other than just close my eyes and deeply breathe as I searched my thoughts for what I wanted to say and do. As I did this, maybe because this was my simple way of meditating, my phone started ringing.

"Leniey.." I stated as I saw Ana was anticipating to know who was calling, and so I answered.

"Hey, text me when you arrive." Was what Leniey stated after the greetings, and then cut off the line.

"Is he that weird?" Ana asked.

"He used to be; I thought he had changed." I stated.

"What really made you two break up?"

"I was set to leave for here, so I did not tell him... I had won the scholarship, but I was scared that if I told him I was leaving, we would really be apart. I was scared of losing him or of the reality hitting me that we would finally grow apart." I stated.

"Deep, Angel. First love?" Ana asked as she turned the steering wheel into the next lane. The road here was quite straight before we reached some areas where curves and hills embraced the roads.

"Kinda. I dated some guys before, but I don't think I felt much like I did with him. It was… It felt like being alive." I stated, and I suddenly could feel my heart pain a little after I recalled all that. I had never sat down to remember everything we did with Leniey—all our beautiful memories, everything that made him and me be a thing. I remember how much I wished to give him the tightest hug as I left for home, for I knew I would never see him again. I remember how much I would find time to just talk to him via phone. I remembered quite a lot about us. Those were memories I still have never taken my time to indulge in, but right now they seemed to be flowing, one by one, as if my mind was waiting for them to download.

"First loves are hard to forget." Ana stated, trying to be as precise as possible.

"I thought I had forgotten him, actually. I thought I was already over him, but when I saw him that day, it was like everything—everything I missed—was right in front of me, and everything that Kelvin and I shared seemed to disappear at that moment, and I was suddenly scared, and I realized how weak it is, how weak I was." I stated.

"Why? Why did you want to get over him so much when it was all the distance that made y'all break up?"

"He became a playboy, Ana. It broke me; I expected him to be locked in a room and focus on education as I did. I guess I was wrong." I stated.

"Maybe it was his way of dealing with everything; to make himself feel nothing when he is with another, it would be easier to just forget about you." Ana added, and I suddenly felt she was taking his side on this. I know I hurt him, but he could have at least respected himself for all those Instagram thirst traps. All the girls he posted pictures with, everything—all that broke me every day, especially seeing that he was happy. He was happy, but I was drained, feeling like I had lost one of the best partners in the world. But, of course, what did I expect? Did I expect that he would chase me off to England and that we would facetime every day? Of course it was meant; all this was meant to happen.

"What's your deal with Kelv, then?" Ana added after she realized it had taken me a while to reply to what she had said about Leniey.

"I told you I'd leave him."

"Not that; I also want you to leave him. I don't want to get you hurt. What I am talking about is when he realizes this you and Leniey thing."

"I... I don't know. I dread the day he learns about all this; he might hate me forever." I stated. Of course, I had not even taken the step of telling him, even though I would use a friend or anything of the sort. I had never told him much of my past, my exes, or sort of that; it was like I was the one secretive and he was just the open book he was. If he knew, I am sure he would kill Leniey. I know his temper can lead to quite a lot, like even beating someone up, but I just hope he does not know.

"You know he will someday know." Ana stated and continued, "Especially if Leniey keeps showing his face."

"What do you want me to do?" I asked

"Nothing; I even don't know what I would do if I were in your position, but all I can tell you is that you can do this, and with every decision you make, I shall be by your side cheering you up." The only decision I had thought of was staying away from both of them—Leniey and Kelvin. But now I knew Leniey would call me or text me, especially now that I am mentally not okay. I guess I will focus on myself and the job at hand; that's all that matters.

After the conversation, there was quite a silence between us, and I don't know when I drifted to sleep, but Ana woke me up, telling me to enter my apartment area, as we had already arrived.