PERFECTION, IMPERFECTION

"I'm sorry about last time. It sure was a wrong number. I just let it consume me so much. I'm just insecure you know." Kelvin's statement made me sad and happy at the same time. He was here feeling remorseful, while in reality the shit was all true. I could not, however, tell him that this—all this he felt was true, and I did truly have an idea of who Leniey was; I would never tell him, at least not now; maybe someday. So looking at him with pitiful eyes, I stated, "I am all yours, Kelv. There is nothing to be insecure about." There is nothing I have always been good at than convincing a person. Either way, I hoped this would at least help, and with that, I decided to change the topic to "what happened between you and Leniey." "What do you mean by what happened?" He replied as fast as I had asked, in which I clarified, "After you both left together, last week. I never heard from you two again." With a sigh he stated, "Oooh! That? We talk, we are talking; it's something about modeling; their modeling agency needs one person between eighteen and twenty-five years old, and so the school gave him my name. I'm working through it; we've been speaking for some days, and I think he will come back next week for the cultural day festival. He already left for London." "Ooh." That was all I said; I had no words. I just needed time to process everything. Today, there was no activity; it was Friday, and the weekend was sure knocking. Most weekends we were always together with Kelvin, either on adventures, dates, or night outs, but this one seemed as if a lot of things were impacting his thought process and he just wished to stay home. The day was so indoors; therefore, the night was sure no different. As we were watching 'Vikings', a new number started ringing on my phone, which I knew would make Kelvin suspicious. I just took the phone and confidently answered to prove it was nothing when a low deep male voice stated, "Hey," paused for some seconds, and continued, "Angel." I knew him; I knew that voice, and, oh my God, how I so much wished he had called, but not around Kelvin. Looking at Kelvin, I saw his eyes. His eyes were sharply looking at me like a dagger pointed towards me, when again the voice continued, "Why didn't you tell me?" He was drunk. I could feel it from the way he paused before talking. The man of my dreams had called, "What are you talking about?" I responded. My mind had the picture while my heart was the frame of our love story. He had called, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to talk to him at the moment, and he still forced the conversation, "Is he there? Your little boyfriend?" On one side, Kelvin shot me eyes full of suspicion, and on the other side, there was someone who just felt like talking, "Can't you go to the bathroom while we talk for Christ's sake? Angel, eehhmm, I, I wanted... ", and I cut off the line before he had the chance to continue. I had to do that; drunk Leniey was no good; he would spit anything. He called again, twice, three times, when Kelvin grabbed my phone in an attempt to answer and tell the person on the other line to stop disturbing, you know, a shove of possession, and that, this time, I would not let him do it. I so, grabbed my phone before he would answer it. I knew his response on the act would be worse, but ironically, he just looked at me, shook his head, and averted his eyes to some corner as if entering into some deep thought. Leniey kept buzzing the phone; 'he sure had patience and knew how to disturb.' Looking at my phone, Kelvin blurted, "Let me leave you so that you can talk to him! It seems someone else is replacing me. F*ck." With that, he stood and left, banging the door so hard that I am sure the neighbors heard. Leniey called, and so I did pick up the phone. Kelvin wasn't wrong; he was the reason why I did not pick up the phone. "There now, Shawty, I knew you would never ignore my calls more than six times." He started and continued, "What's with you and that boyfriend; what did you like about him? How many years? Is it the second or third year anniversary? Wait, maybe you had replaced me with him before we hooked up. Angel, didn't you even feel 10% for me? I was hurt, you know, every day, every night, every morning I waited for you, but you sure never came, anyway. Look at me telling the girl who broke me she hurt me." I so decided to interrupt him: "Leniey, you're drunk. Let's speak tomorrow, please." With which he continued in a low tone, "Do you really think a sober me would call you? Do you know how much it took me to accept that you were gone? Did you even call? I left for the United States thinking you were there; I searched for you at the agencies, like an idiot, and when I had finally given up, I come to meet you in some school unexpectedly, right? Thank God some friend had given me your number, just to realize you are being banged by some secretary general, f*ck him." This conversation had turned out painful, and so I continued, "Leniey, you knocked down every girl who showed interest in you." In which he replied sarcastically, "Why wouldn't I? They have perfect bodies, perfect shape, pretty eyes, why not?. I don't care. I would also knock you down at any time. I just made the mistake of falling in love." He was playing a game of fun, and so, being the best player, I decided to play along and I detailed, "Well, at least I found a gentleman who treats me well and is not nervous around someone he loves." I knew I had altered Leniey's defense; he just breathed hard in the phone, and I heard a slight change in his voice when he said, "I sure was trash. Why would you even date me? I was, I don't know, I understand..." With that, he cut off the line. Knowing I had fucked up, I tried to call him back, but it all sent me to voice mail. I had hurt him again with my voice. I was so caught up in the conversation that I had forgotten how much my voice impacted him. Back at the University of Nairobi, when I was in my second year, I remember telling him how beautiful his voice was. When he joined the school band, he brought me a ticket and just coldly told me, "I tried the band; please come on Saturday and cheer me up." My words always seemed to cheer him up, so I knew I had hurt him somehow, and this time I took it to his vulnerable part, his shy part. How much I wish he knew how sorry I am.

The weekend was quite longer than expected. Kelvin was so mad at me, and I so much wished he would understand. He had not called in the morning as he used to; he took longer than expected to reply to my text, which I did not care for because he was a terrible texter, but it was mostly delivered and seen but no reply. Today, being Monday, after my literature class I left for our radio session, which turned out to be a job opportunity for me other than a class assignment. After the radio session, Kelvin had not waited for me as he always did; honestly, this was hard since I had become so used to being driven home rather than walking. This time Eva too questioned why Kelvin had not picked me up, but I chose not to say a word when I saw one of his friends. I therefore called on one and asked, "Have you seen Kelvin?" He said, worried, "You didn't know? He left for Georgia; his brother passed on Thursday last week. Why wouldn't he tell you?" I just said thank you, assumed the question he had asked, and left. The puzzles in my head started being solved one by one: one reason why on Friday he was moody, one reason behind his change in character with regard to texting and calling, he was dealing with something, and for the first time I felt stupid and evil at the same time. Kelvin was there for me to market my book; during my sessions on the radio, he would always stand by me and encourage me on how good I was; he always took me home; when I was sick, he would rather ditch his friends than leave me alone; but this time, this time that he needed me the most, was when I would fuck up everything, and I felt a tear trying to squeeze out of my eyes. I sure had done him wrong, and this was all my fault. I should have ignored Leniey. I should have let him answer the phone. Maybe that night he wanted to spend it with me because I had somehow become home. What happens when your house burns down? I felt so bad, honestly. And the worst thing was he left without even telling me. I should've at least given him a push to the airport and hugged him goodbye. With that, I decided to leave his place and make sure the friends weren't lying to me. I knew this time I needed company, and so Eva accepted my request for company to go and look for Kelvin. I always had his spare key—you know, for sleepovers and random visits. When I arrived at his apartment, I slowly and steadily opened the door, allowing Eva to enter before following her and locking the door. The apartment was a little disorganized, as expected for most men, when Eva stated, "I thought Kelvin was more organized." In which I chuckled and walked towards his shelves to check if there were any papers when I saw some tickets and passports. With Eva seeing my curiosity, we both headed to look at the papers. On realization, it was my passport. "How the hell is this doing here?" I asked Eva, who stated in surprise, 'Hey Angel, he had bought you a ticket. Check it out, it was one with my government name, and for the first time I knew I had screwed up big time, and there was no excuse. He just wanted to surprise me; he always wanted the best for me, and with that, we both left the apartment. Eva looked at me with some worry in her face and just said, "Just send him a voice note or something; maybe he will understand." Yes, I had told Eva about the occurrence. I sure needed some advice, which she gave me openly. Maybe this was the start of some friendship, or so I thought.

This was the eighth voice note I'd sent to Kelvin, and it began with the same words: 'where are you and please let's talk.' I was hoping he would at least reply with a sticker or some GIF or anything; even using status" would be okay; but nothing happened, and he still did not answer. I would say that for the first time, I felt the urge and need to show affection to someone; for Kelvin, he deserved the love and attention, and I would lie if I said he never deserved it, with how much I wished one day Karma would never treat me in such a way. 'Karma is a bitch," I thought, and I sure feared it.

The next day was pretty much the same: no voice call, no reply, just a delivered sign. I had no idea what to do, for this was the first time Kelvin and I had a real fight. It was a misunderstanding, I don't know, but at least he shouldn't have overreacted. With that, while heading to my literature class, I decided to send him a text: 'Hey, Kelvs, c'mon, are we really going to break up because of that shit?" It was not a big deal, just a misunderstanding; please reply; come on, at least we owe each other some talk. I haven't seen you around school. Where are you at?' After sending that, I saw the typing icon and for the first time felt my heart flutter for Kelvin; it felt like winning a lottery. I sure missed him, missed his texts, for the first time, for he never gave me space to miss him as much as this time, and I now understand what I would lose in case we broke up, but Leniey was another story. It was something, a past, and I sure knew at some point maybe I will have to choose, and my heart would be afraid, afraid of the outcome, and in some way I would have had to be selfish. The text stated, "Dealing with something, am away, will call on arrival bye." Kelvin had never been as formal with me during texting as he was with others. This was the first time he had texted a plain text, no emoji to at least loosen the seriousness, and for the first time I knew shit had happened and I had to fix it before it went out of hand, but the question was, "How do I fix it?

The next few days seemed pretty doomed. No one called, no one texted; just my mom, who wished to know how my stay here was going. Jake, I had never spoken to him since his graduation. I had lost contact with most of my previous friends, and for the first time, I felt lonely. During the school cultural day, I did not even have the urge to attend; I just slept watching some movie, bored under the roof of my house, when at twelve past midnight, someone knocked on my door. I hoped it was Kelvin. He may have arrived from wherever he stated he was, and so I opened the door very fast when I saw who it was. It was the one person, and I had forgotten how badly my words had broken him. It was Leniey; it was obvious he would be here to choose some models for their agency; I had forgotten that, so I asked him to come in. With him, he carried some snacks as he always did. Back when he visited my house without notice, I asked him, "What if someone else was here?" He just laughed and stated, "I knew he wasn't; he had texted me that he had lost someone." Great, it was me Kelvin hadn't told he'd lost someone, how much I despised it, he'd told everyone but me, he always wanted to play the tough guy around me. That who cannot be altered by anything and that who can't be hurt, when Leniey cleared his throat and stated, "You sure never stopped zoning out." That caught me off guard, and with what had been going on lately between Kelvin and me, I wasn't ready for any neighbor to send some rumor that a guy was in my house, especially at this hour, and so I inquired, "What are you doing here?" He plainly answered, "I am here to pick some models and prove to you that I am not shy." I knew that last part was sarcastic, and for the first time, I locked eyes with him. My fear, then, came rushing down my body—the past feelings around him, his eyes, his lips, his nose, and his hair—and so I blurted, "I need air, oh my gosh!" He just laughed and slowly closed the distance between us. With him being taller than me and with him looking at me with those eyes, those eyes he looked at none but me with, he detailed in a low, rough tone, "I knew, I knew this feeling was mutual." And with that, he tightly hugged me, and I would lie by stating that the urge to resist him was surpassed by the effect he had on my body, and so I was lost again in the embrace, and with that, I tightly hugged him back, as if recalling all our previous emotions, when my phone rang and brought us back into reality. It was Kelvin, and that old feeling came back, the feel of guilt, and so I answered the phone. "Hello,' he stated, and continued, "Can I see you? I just arrived. Can I see you?" When Leniey heard those words, he just looked at me, and without my saying anything, he had already left. "Hey..." Kevin stated on the other side, and so I answered, "Sure."