Learn About Yourself

Morning comes and I'm up with the sun. I get my school stuff ready and wait for Railey. She's running behind. Actually, I haven't seen Railey yet which is weird. Normally she's up. I wonder what's up. Her room is at the end of the upstairs hallway past mine. I knock with no answer before I slowly open the door. I see her, still in bed, rolled up in her blankets. I walk in and my footsteps made her roll over. She saw me before rolling back over, "No, get out." She doesn't sound tired so she's been up for a while. "Railey, I need a ride." No answer. "Can you?" Still no answer. "Is this about yesterday?" She fidgets with no solid answer back.

"Oh good god Railey! I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I'm slightly disturbed and confused but I really don't care. At most, I want to know 'Why in my room?' but right now we need to leave. She just rolls around pulling the blankets tighter. I begin pulling on them, "C'mon Railey! We have to go!" The covers give and the fluffy comforter gives way. She has her back to me but I forgot that she sleeps naked. I quickly turn away, "Get up! I'll be downstairs."

It's another five minutes before she's downstairs with her keys. It's a long, quiet car ride until we're out front of the school. I'm a little late but don't care. I stop before I open the door, "I'm sorry for snapping at you this morning." She visually sighs, "I'm sorry for acting the way I did. I…" I stop her, "While I did say I want to know why my room, I really don't but apology accepted. We good?"

"We're good."

"Good, don't make this weirder. I'll see you after school."

I got out watching her drive off. For the entire day though, all that was stuck in my mind was walking in on my sister on my bedroom floor. The only question I could think of was "Would it be more awkward if it was with someone else?" but at the same time, I don't want to think about it. My sister's sex life is not something I want to know much about. I'm sure she doesn't want to know about the lack of mine. I just made myself feel worse.

The day went fast enough. Before I knew it the last bell rang and everyone started flooding outside. I wander across the street where Railey normally parks to wait for me. She has her seat back and windows down taking a nap to pass the time. I knock on the top of the car before I get in to wake her up. She stretches herself awake, "Today is an amazing day to sleep outside."

"I wouldn't know. I've been trapped inside all day."

"That's alright, the season is just starting so there's plenty of time."

The drive home was nice with the windows down and the cool breeze lifting my feathers. We stop at the corner store on the way to get dinner for the next couple of nights. On the way out a red chopped off-road vehicle swings into a parking space blasting loud music disturbing everyone. Three guys get out, two German Shepherds and a Bulldog, talking about nonsense until they see Railey. The Shepherd with the letterman jacket struts up first with the other behind him, "Mm baby! That is a nice lil' pup right there. I say little but she's pretty grown, right boys?" The other two whoop behind him. I already don't like them and don't like where this is going.

Railey, on the other hand, is not as edgy as I am. She's staying rather calm actually with an amused smile. The three continue to try and flatter her but it just sounds sexist to me. They circle around her cutting me off. They each do what they can to try to touch her until I see the Bulldog reaching for her butt. "Hey, I think it's time to leave!" Railey gets the hint but the three have different ideas about this. The second Shepherd tried his hand, "Hey, how about you leave the little one and come hang out with us? If not us then just me. I can show you a good time." I go to step in at this point but Railey throws a curveball at them, "Sorry guys, I appreciate the attention but I bat for the other team if you get what I mean."

"Ooh, that's pretty hot."

"Solely for the other team."

The three leave defeated but not before they undress her with their eyes. She and I load the back of the car and drive off. Once Railey hits the main street she goes as fast as she can to get away so they cannot follow us. As soon as we're gone she shivers in her seat, "They were disgusting. I hope I never have to see them again."

"No joke. Good job getting rid of them. How did you think of that?"

"Because it's true."

"Wait what?" I was taken by surprise.

"What?"

"I'm at a bit of a loss here."

"Ok, what part went over your head?"

"Oh, just all of it!"

"Well, how can I explain it other than I like other women?"

"I just had no idea and I'm a little surprised."

"I could have sworn we talked about this before."

"No, no we have not. I would have remembered it and it wouldn't be as weird as I feel right now."

"How is it weird?"

"Just… I don't know."

"Do you think less of me because of it?"

"No. I just, I don't know. I have to process it."

"Well, you're free to ask me questions if you feel the need to."

"I think I'll pass. After yesterday…" I stop and think, "Wait a second. Yesterday you were sucking on your paws at the same time."

I saw her face turn a color of bright red, "Uh, well, even though I am the way I am it still kind of feels nice. I guess is how I would put it."

"Ok, I just realized that this needs to stop. This got too weird too quickly and I felt like I crossed a line. So, I'm sorry for reacting the way I did but I promise I will not think any less of you."

The conversation died there. It was quiet until we got home and started unloading the food trying to figure out what we wanted. We decided on frozen pizza and a movie to make it an entertainment night. With the food gone and the movie over the night turned into every other night. I got to my room, seclude myself for a bit, and work on the leftover homework from the day. Magic Theory is still the bane of my existence and I'm going to be glad when it is over. Just a couple more weeks and I'll be set to say goodbye to that nonsense.

The weird and complex equations with the mixing and the reactions to get certain attributes to continue mixing for another element. It drives me nuts and I don't get how people can understand it. It might also be different for those who have some magic prowess and are able to use it. For some reason or another, I can't seem to even get a spark of energy. Railey on the other hand uses magic a lot. She uses it to help with her chores around the house to help her. I'm not sure if I'm jealous of the fact that she can use magic or that she doesn't have to work as physically hard because of it. I just muddle through it and finish it. I'm not even sure everything is right. I just want it done and out of the way.

As is tradition, Railey knocks on my door before it's time to go to bed. I'm still at my desk looking at the mess of math and formulas before me. Railey peaks in before wandering in to look over my shoulder. She apparently can visualize this a lot easier than I can but I was shocked when she talked to me, "Good job, looks like you do have a solid grasp on it."

"I'm glad you think so. I still have no idea what half of this really means."

"I think that understanding would come with practice but you have a good base for it."

"Practice would be easier with the ability to actually use magic."

"I know you can. Here, let's try. Put out your hands."

"We've done this already."

"Yea, but do it anyway."

I turn around in my chair putting both my hands out cupped to one another. Railey sits on her feet and does the same placing her hands under my own. "Now, focus on the knuckles in your talons and your wrist. Feel the warmth and move it to the center of your hands. Let it build up. And slowly control the release." I follow her thought process and a small flame emerges from my palms. "See? You can do it!" I look at her in disbelief. Not that it's there but that it's me, "OK, remove your hands." She does as I say and the flame slowly burns to nothing and disappears. "See? It's not me that's doing it." She looks at me a little discouraged, "Well, it held for a while."

"It is mostly you thought." I can kind of see her disappointment in her failing to help me, "But it was worth a shot and I'm glad you're willing to help anyway."

"Maybe one day."

"But today is not that day and today is almost over so get out."

"Pushy, pushy, pushy."

"Yea I know, I'm so mean."

Railey left closing the door behind her while I got ready for bed. I was able to have the window open tonight. I'm having some trouble sleeping tonight. I'm not sure why but I just can't seem to relax. I sit up against the small headboard and the wall underneath the window. I cup my hands like I did before, focusing on my joints and fingertips, imagining the energy flowing to my palms. I can see the fire in my mind but I cannot feel the warmth of the Ignis as it collects or is released. I try two more times before I stop. Looking outside I watch the trees in the backyards and by the street wave in the light breeze. "I wonder if magic is my thing."

With my restlessness, I have time to think about it. I still wonder if I even have the ability to use magic. There aren't many who physically can't but there's the chance. I don't know if my parents were able to use magic. I can't remember. If they could they would have used it to save themselves. Thinking about this is beginning to disturb me a little bit. My restlessness is now turning into anxiety. I really want to sleep but I don't think I can at this point. I get up and quietly head downstairs. I turn the TV on keeping the volume down to not disturb anyone. Late-night TV sucks. There's not much on worth watching but I manage to find an older movie about an escapee trying to get out of the country while evading the police chasing him. It's not that entertaining but it keeps my mind occupied enough that I can be bored and fall asleep to it.