1 Chapter 1: Life Goes On

(Trigger Warning, miscarriage content)

The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds as Felicity Griffin sat silently on the examination table waiting for Dr. Simpson to come in. The birds in the window chirped as warmer temperatures reached Los Angeles. Her blood pressure was lower than it had been in a long time and her depression med dosage was reduced. The grieving never stopped, but she was finally learning to live without Marco. A knock sounded at the door and in came the doctor.

“City! How are you?”

“Penny!”

Felicity stood up and embraced her friend. She sat back down, and Dr. Simpson sat at the computer in the room.

“I see your blood pressure is getting back into the normal ranges. That’s amazing!”

“Not sure how it’s happening as I’m still grieving, but I’ll take it.”

Penny turned on the rolling stool and leaned forward gazing at Felicity, “How are you holding up?”

Felicity shrugged, “okay I guess.sStill miss him every day.”

“That’s not going to go away, but it’ll get easier.”

She mustered up a smile. “I just moved back into my own apartment. It’s right by the beach.”

“You moved out of your parents’ house?”

“It was time; my mom still worries about me, but I’m ready to get back out in the world and live my life.”

Penny nodded with a compassionate smile on her face, “I think that’s what Marco wants for you.”

The mention of his name still pulled at her and nearly moved her to tears, but she was able to swallow that back. “I want to get Marco’s sperm.”

Two years ago, Felicity was a happily married woman. Marco was the love of her life and after only a year of dating, he fell to his knee and gave her a ring. For two blissful years, Felicity knew what it felt like to be loved on a soul level. She never experienced anything like it, and she didn’t think she could be happier than she was with Marco.

Then she got that call. “Mrs. Griffin, your husband has been in an accident.” To this day, waiting rooms gave her anxiety. Every detail was burned into her brain. She remembered the coffee stain embedded in the chair next to her, the woman hacking in a corner, receptionist typing furiously at the desk, doctors and nurses passing through, and that damn level of Candy Crush she had yet to beat.

After what felt like days, the doctor came to her, sat on the coffee-stained seat next to her. The look in his eyes said it all. By the time she found her strength to stand, that’s when the blood trickled down her legs and she collapsed. Ironically, she was going to tell him that day when he got home from work. That’s where he was headed home from. Now he was gone, and so was the baby they were finally able to conceive after trying for two years.

Marco had a few small tubes of sperm frozen. Felicity wanted to try again, right away. The doctor advised her to give her body and herself some time. Grieve the loss, find a way to go on, and then try again. After taking a couple months to grieve and process, Helen, Felicity’s mother insisted she move in with them. She got a job at a local bakery to give herself some purpose and it helped. But she was ready for more.

Maybe two years after his passing was too soon, but Felicity needed…something. Someone. A knock on the door jolted her from her thoughts and she looked up to see Dr. Penelope Simpson walking in. They had been best friends since college and Penelope was the one who introduce her to Marco. She also helped them get set up with invitro.

“City, are you sure you’re ready for that?”

Felicity’s soft brown eyes gazed into Penny’s hazel ones, “yes, I am.”

Penny took a second before she looked back at the computer. “How are your periods?”

“They’re back on track.”

“About when did they start regulating again?”

“I don’t know, I just know I’ve been able to track it the last few months or so. I have that app that helps you.”

“Are you sexually active again?”

Felicity burst out in a fit of laughter, “I haven’t even been able to think about sex, let alone do it.”

Penny laughed and shrugged, “hey, I have to ask these questions. You are here for my professional help today.”

“I get it, I get it.”

Penny’s expression switched back to serious, “City, you lost the baby. We’re still not sure if that was due to the stress your body was under that day or if you would’ve lost the baby anyway. Are you ready to take that chance again?”

Felicity took a deep breath and glanced out the window, searching for the right words. This was a risk. A terrifying one. Could she handle losing another baby if this didn’t work? There was that part of her that wanted a piece of Marco so badly, she was willing to take the risk. She looked back at Penny and offered a reassuring smile, “I’m moving back out on my own, I want a piece of Marco. I want to have a child, so I have some part of him with me while I go through this. I want someone in my place with me that I can take care of. I know a baby will help with the longing that I feel in my heart. Is this a risk? Yes, but his sperm remains frozen for when I’m ready. I’m ready Penny. I want a baby.”

Penny sat in front of her, internalizing her explanation. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Since the day I lost Marco and the baby.”

“I’m not sure you’re ready.”

“With all due respect, this isn’t your decision. I know what I want, and I know the risk. I promise I’m in a good enough place emotionally that I’m ready. I want to try.”

Penny nipped her lip and nodded. “Okay, if you feel you’re truly ready. Let’s schedule the procedure.”

Felicity’s eyes lit up, “really?”

“Let’s finish your examination, and if everything looks good, then we can schedule it.”

The procedure was scheduled to happen the following week. After the appointment, Felicity went to the beach. The sand between her toes was warm as Felicity dug them into the ground. She swore she could still see Marco’s ashes blowing in her direction and it gave her a sense of comfort. The waves of the ocean crashed in front of her. The salty air was refreshing, and she took it in as she rested her hand on her belly. For the first time in two years, Felicity Griffin smiled. A true, happy smile. A piece of Marco was inside her again, and in a couple of weeks, she would find out if she was pregnant or not. The moment was perfect, and that night, she slept better than she had in a long time. But the next morning, she would find out just how complicated this was going to be.

“Hello?”

“Hey City, it’s Penny. I have some horrific news.”

Her stomach dropped, “what is it? Just tell me.”

“When I ordered Marco’s swimmers, there was a mix-up, and I injected you with the wrong ones.”