1 3 years ago

"My name is Deya Nala Saseki Bama. I am only 15 years old, doing my grade 10 in Mafumani Secondary school. Well... I am a girl. Uhm... My mom's name is Neptune Bama. She conceived me when she was in the University of Venda". Silence fills the room. She looks at me blankly. " This thing won't work, let's drop it", "No mom, it can work, let's just do it again". My mom switches off the camera, removes the camera from the camera stand and folds the stand. I look at her disappointingly. "but I can do this". I try to assure but she ignores me and goes about with her work. "Is it because you don't want to talk about dad?.....". She slowly turns around, looks at me and says "No". "Then why don't you talk about him?" I run my fingers on the couch top and throw myself to the sofa. "Because I don't want to", she bluntly replies and walks out of the room.

I immerse myself in my thoughts about my mother. She is blunt, never suppresses her thoughts and feelings. And I do understand her when she says she doesn't want to talk about dad, I bet she has a very valid reason for doing so, but at the same time, it's my right to know the truth and choose who I want to live with, I mean I won't leave my mom for a stranger called dad. This is my wish, it could ease my longing and agony. I wish could know something about my dad. I heave a sigh.

"Uhm... Your dad has passed away" she announces as she walks into the room with a gloomy face. I burst a chuckle, this woman is unbelievable, now she wishes my anonymous father to die. I look at her filled with dissatisfaction.

"He took a nap and kicked the bucket" She proceeds as her eyes start filling up with tears. I look at her not fazed. I know she has dry humour, but this is not funny and this is not what I meant when I said tell me about dad. Geez! she can be slow sometimes. A tear roll down on her cheek. Her eyes filled with grief. A rush warm feeling runs on my skin and my chest becomes heavy.

"Okay... Is this real? Are you for real? The dad you never talked - about - is dead? I mean passed away?" My mind start racing and my face feels warms. Warm droplets fall off my eyes. I never knew him. Regret and sadness overwhelm me. I should have pursued mom more, irritated her, maybe she would have let me see him. What if he never acknowledged me. Maybe he doesn't know of my existence. Maybe he does, my mom just forbid him from playing his parental in my life. Maybe he never wanted me. A wave of tears flush my face.

"Yes", she answers softly. Painful stillness overwhelm the atmosphere, as we let the news of this strange man sink into us. Tears rolling down my cheeks. Why am I crying, for a stranger? My mom reaches for me and settle next to me. She closes me in her embrace with a hug.

"It's okay. Uhm... It's okay baby" She soothes my pain.

"It's not okay mom, I never knew him, and now I am crying for a stranger who I longed for a long time. I never got to see him" I sob violently in her arms.

"Sometimes things are better unknown" She blinks pushing her tears back.

"But you know your dad" I protest

" We were a family before the divorce, something that you and I avoided" she gently lift my chin up and look into my eyes.

"Maybe we didn't have to" I shift my eyes from her painful gaze.

"Deya everything happens for a reason, don't wish for things you don't know of. (she sighs) I know you are saddened but please let's not rub each other in a bad way, okay?" She softly pleads with me.

"Because it's about dad. It's okay, you really must have hated him, that even when he is deceased you still don't want to share anything with me about him. It's not fair!" My lips tremble and eyes reddened with the uncontrollable flow of tears. whimpering cracking sounds escape my mouth.

She tighten her hug, drawing me to her chest and brush my upper back "I am sorry, one day you will understand".