1 Hi I’m Lillian

"It's alright. I'm right here." He said as he was desperately clinging to me, tears streaming down both our faces.

Hi I'm Lillian.

I'm 17 years old and I go to Devonford Prep.

I have a twin brother (Luke) and my best friend (Amelia).

My mom is a doctor and my dad is a lawyer so we live pretty comfortably.

I'm the loner at school. You know that quiet outsider in the school that you never seem to notice. Yep that's me.

It's actually quite ironic seeings as my brother is pretty popular. But he has everything going for him I guess. The looks, the body, the hair, great personality, smart, funny. Sneaky little bastard got it al I guess but I love him.

No you see I'm not popular I'm fat, ugly, stupid. I have thick thighs, a huge stomach and arms with impossible boring brown hair. In the past I've also struggled with an eating disorder and self harm. I still do I guess I just don't want to admit it. I cut mainly but also snap my arms with rubber bands, I starve or I purge.

I'm very quiet at school to and I also get bullied a lot.

It wasn't always like this you know, or at least not this bad.

You see a few years ago things were pretty normal.

Everyone was friendly towards me, I got straight A's, I even had an amazing boyfriend (Liam).

Suddenly one day everything just started going south and it al started with Liam. He started abusing me in every way possible: mentally, physically and sexually. He made me feel so bad about myself mentally about how ugly and fat I was that I stopped eating and I started to self harm to distract myself from the physical and sexual abuse.

This went on for about a year.

With my relationship down the drain everything else went with it. My grades started to slip, I became more quiet and less popular, I started being bullied.

Liam's gone now. He was pretty popular. That's why I started to get bullied because every time I wanted to tell on him or ask for help they wouldn't believe me.

He's in jail now.

It al happened so fast. We were in his room. I was curled up in the corner bawling my eyes out with Liam towering over me, hitting me, screaming the most vile things at at me. I didn't even know what I did wrong. That's when he started to take of his pants to **** me and I remember just screaming at the top of my lungs till my throat was raw.

That's when somebody burst through the door attacking Liam. Before I knew it Liam was unconscious and the police were called.

By the time the police found us I was curled up in my saviors arms with him whispering sweat nothing's into my ear. His voice sounded so familiar but I was swimming in and out of consciousness making it hard to place his face or voice. Never getting an actual name.

They had to practically tear me out of his arms because I was so scared to leave his side. It was so bad that they had to give me a sedative.

When I woke up in the hospital I was diagnosed and treated for anorexia, self harm (not that it helped obviously since I just started almost right after I was discharged) trauma and abuse that I had been through. I still suffer from ptsd, anorexia, and self harm. I constantly here Ana in my head telling me not to eat and how ugly and fat I am and to throw up al my food and I also have this constant need to harm myself.

Some days better then others tho.

When they discharged me I was given the clothes to where that I was brought in with.

On specific item of clothing which was not mine but my saviors hoodie. Till this day It's my favorite clothing item. Whenever I get scared, feel uncomfortable, get flashbacks, am sad, etcetera I put on the hoodie because it reminds me of him, of a time I actually felt safe for once in my life. It makes me feel safe, protected in some sort of way.

About a week after I had been discharged I went back to school.

It was absolutely terrible. Everyone kept staring at me, whispering and talking behind my back. No one wanted to talk to me and that's when all the bullying began. Everyone loved putting me down. My main bullies were Aiden and his girlfriend Allison. It felt as if there life's goal was to make mine miserable.

They are your stereotypical popular teens. You know the jock and the cheerleader. Aiden is handsome, hot, sexy, cute, beautiful, I can go on and on but unfortunately his looks are clouded by his personality. Same with Allison. She is attractive, skinny with gorgeous blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. She's everything I could never be.

I mainly were hoody's, long sleeved shirts and jeans, sweats or tights. And you guess it mainly His hoodie and mostly to cover my scars and my disgusting body no matter how hot it is outside and if it really gets unbearably hot I'd were a long sleeved thin shirt or a lot and I mean a lot of bracelets just to cover everything up. I never go swimming or go to parties.

Not even Amelia can convince me.

I love drawing, painting, sketching, doodling, singing, dancing, making music and listening to it. But one of my favorite things to do in the whole entire world is going to this abandoned building a few blocks down from where I live.

Climbing up to the roof, throwing my legs over the edge and just sitting there in utter and complete, total silence. Sometimes even listening to music and lying back on the hard concrete with my legs still dangling and just star gazing.

I love it there so much because it's like my little secret. My very own personal spot where I can just let it al out. It's abandoned and it's all mine.

Sometimes I dance, sing or do my art there. Other times I'm there to just let it al out screaming, shouting, crying, cutting. It's where I go to escape. Escape the pain, reality, life and al my problems. Most of the times I'm just there stargazing. Letting the silence engulf me.

Broken you can call me I guess. Broken beyond repair. I don't think I will every be fixed. I don't think I will ever be normal again or anything for that matter.

I'm just scared that one day I'll maybe take it to far. I'm scared I'll either die or slip into a coma from malnourishment and never wake up or accidentally cut to deep and die but the funny thing is, is that I don't want to live either.

But that's just me I guess.

This is me. Lillian. Or most of me I guess. Please don't give up on me yet. I know I have but there must be some part of me left in there somewhere. You just have to believe.