Chapter 4: I Feel You

Ravyn POV

The poor man, settling for a companion and a political alliance!

She knew she was crossing all kinds of lines, but she wouldn't let Jude accept less than he deserved. Somehow, she would find him a mate he could love–even his fated mate. 

In his voice, she heard the walls he'd built to protect his heart, his family, and his pack. She knew those walls. Hadn't she constructed a fortress around her own heart and her shop and especially her precious Lilia–until a certain Evenhide Pack Alpha burst into that shop on one fateful night?

She might not be ready to love or to find a husband, or even a lover just for fun–she had to be careful about who she let into her body and her energy field, anyway. But she could help Jude reawaken his heart. Maybe she could even find him the alliance he wanted.

"What are you thinking?" he prodded.

She knew better than to tell him her secret plan. 

"I had a dream that got me out of bed and led me to chase you," she confessed. 

His eyes sharpened. "So, I'm not the only one who needs this blue frankincense stuff?" He sat back down on the rumpled bed and patted the space next to him. "Come sit by me and tell me all about this dream."

Sitting down, she crossed her legs and made sure to keep some space between her and this handsome, stubborn, sexy Alpha with the irresistible cologne. 

"My shop was destroyed," she began. "Everything I've built in Wildefell ruined. And there were dead shifters, and the Dark Goddess was there."

He winced and reached out to gently touch her arm. "Fenrir's guts, that sounds horrible."

She smiled wryly. "Oh, it gets worse. HE was there. Daxius–Lilia's father."

With a menacing rumble, he said, "I even dislike his name. Did he destroy your shop?"

"I don't know. It was a jumble. He asked me, if I ever loved him, to trust him."

Jude sat with quiet dignity. "You DO love him still."

Taking a deep breath, Ravyn said, "I'm not carrying a torch waiting for him to wander back into our lives. Not after all this time. If he could just desert us when we did nothing wrong–"

"NOTHING excuses just leaving you for another woman like that!"

His ferocity made her smile. "Thank you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about him … but it's the pain and the loss that I can't seem to shake. It feels like my heart is wrapped in chains with the mother of all locks on them sometimes. Not all the time, but every once in a while. And I've looked for the key to set me free, but haven't found it yet."

The words had her clinging to his arm for support. She'd never confided that deeply in anyone–not even Edna Chalice, her best friend, or Tulaska Volkov, the all-seeing Evenhide Pack Wise Woman. By the Goddess Brigid, Tulaska probably knew without Ravyn saying a word. But Lilia probably didn't know. 

"Not that I could ever tell my Lilia," she added, realizing she was holding Jude's hands. "Or any of my Cresta boys."

He snorted. "At least two of them could find him and make him disappear, cold and calculated, with no one knowing about it. And I include Cyran on the list. He worships you."

"Not as much as he does Tulaska." A sweet smile slipped over her face at the unlikely mother-son duo that Hades had unwittingly created after his attack nearly killed them both. "But I know he loves me."

His hands felt so good, so right in hers. Pulling away would be like breaking off a part of herself. She'd never felt so aware of him–or of any man for at least a decade or more. The first ten years she'd noticed men, but the demands of a daughter and a business and the witch circle left little time and energy for romance.

Or so she'd reassured herself, anyway.

"Thank you," he said in a gentle voice.

She blinked. "For what? This moment is supposed to be about you."

"For saying what I've felt myself." He held up a hand. "I know our circumstances are vastly different. But the emotion is the same. Very few shifters who lose their mates, the ones that survive that horror, want to talk about what it's like. The pain is too great, and we are a proud lot, after all."

She gripped his hands, because he seemed to have the same difficulty pulling away. "And no disrespect to what the Cresta boys and Cyran and Garnet endured–"

"They can understand my sorrow a little." His chin that you could chisel stone with relaxed, "But it's not quite the same. That mate bond is the greatest and the worst thing the Moon Goddess ever created. Emer was a part of me in a way I can never express. I will have to bond someone–it's our way. But it's not as powerful without the mate pull and without love."

Ravyn asked in a breathless voice, "Can it create love?"

He winced. "Fenrir's guts, do you witches always have to throw hurdles in people's path?"

Her blonde brows arched. "It's an unwritten job description. Let's just assume for your sake that the bond with your future mate doesn't inspire romantic love. That you're merely comfortable companions who will rule your pack together and have a stable household."

She had to think strategically. She wasn't dealing with some garden-variety merchant who wanted a wife to share his bed and be his hostess. Jude Faolan was the sharpest Alpha she'd ever met whom she didn't happen to be closely related to. She needed to use all her subtlety and her charm–watching Tulaska and Crimsontail Shadows Wise Woman Roslynn Rossa over the years had taught her a great deal.

His eyes lit up with relief. "Yes, let's. Brilliant. Does that mean you'll take me?"

Shivers went down her body, right to the orb of sensation between her legs. What was the matter with her? Just because Jude was the sort of man she was drawn to was no reason to act like a silly widgeon.

She wasn't the mate of his dreams, after all. He seemed to like her–but she wasn't his Emer. And if she were a candidate for his mate, wouldn't he have told her right away?

"I'll take you on, yes. I'll find you your perfect Luna–but you have to do exactly as I say."

* * * * *

Jude POV

Thank the Moon Goddess for Ravyn Rolfe. Tonight could have been like an explosive set off underneath his tail. Ravyn could have blasted him to bits. If by some miracle he survived that, he might never have been able to set foot in Evenhide territory again. He wouldn't blame his friend Dane for going feral on him–even though he hadn't intended to kiss Dane's mother-in-law while in the grip of a dream. 

Instead, Ravyn had smoothed everything over with the hovering, hyper-protective Crestas, including her daughter and the fierce Azandra. 

His wolf reminded him smugly that it had felt like silk and starlight kissing Ravyn. 

But no, he'd mistaken her for Emer!

"No. She's our mate," Arcturus insisted. 

Why was his wolf being so pigheaded? 

He'd been dreaming of Emer. She roamed with the wind in her hair on an island, even though they'd never seen the sea. His mate had always expressed a desire to go sailing. They'd taken boats out on lakes, but Emer had sea fever. He'd always been overcautious–a sea voyage meant traveling through human territory, unless you wanted to go to the Bifrost Sea to the north–far too cold for Emer. The Harmonia Sea was warmer. He'd surrendered after nearly twenty-five years together and asked Patch, Jiro, and their witch friends to help him plan a trip to the Harmonia Sea. There was a smaller sea, the Sylvaen Sea, near the High Elf Kingdom to the north and west of the shifter lands, and he'd planned to surprise Emer on their next trip to Prince Orrian's court.

An opportunity lost all because of his fears.

Maybe that's what the island represented in his dream–although Wise Woman Eirika didn't seem convinced. She thought it could be a foretelling of his future.

"Thank you for being so kind."

He stroked her fingers with his thumb, noticing how long and lean and elegant they were. How soft her skin was. His body remembered how it felt to have her pressed against him. 

But it was Emer in the dream, Emer lying skin to skin against him on the shore with the pounding surf matching the beating of their one heart. Emer who kissed him and moved against him.

"Mate," Arcturus argued in that petulant tone he used when he thought Jude was being a complete idiot.

"I didn't have anyone who understood," she whispered. "I couldn't say anything to Lilia–"

"I wouldn't expect you would, and she was probably a particularly bright and sensitive child."

Ravyn shivered, and all he wanted to do was hold her. "She kept asking what she did wrong. Why her daddy stayed away. I thought of telling her he died, but she'd heard the gossip."

His wolf wanted to tear the gossips' tongues out. 

"And she heard me talking to Edna Chalice, who wanted to curse him out of existence," Ravyn added. "Her anger was satisfying but not helpful. No one, even Edna, understood the gaping hole that I covered up with a smile,and being exceptional at crystal magic. Or that you mask with the Alpha Voice and a warrior's might."

Her eyes were full of sensitivity and grace and wistfulness. He allowed her to see the wounded pup in his eyes. "Thank you for opening your heart. Eirika was right–you are the perfect person to help me."

"They don't call them 'Wise Women' for nothing."

A stray lock of golden hair tumbled down across her face and he released her hand, then brushed it back from her face. She trembled at his touch. 

His mouth went dry, and when he licked his lips, she appeared fascinated. Her kiss-swollen lips parted, and he thought he'd howl at the moon if he didn't kiss her again. 

When he leaned in, his face inches from hers, she scooted back, longing in her eyes.

"It's late," she said in a calm tone, as if they'd just been continuing their conversation about the Shifter Parliament. "I should let you get to sleep. Are you sure you don't need some wild bittersweet tea and a sleeping spell?"

He needed her warm body beside his all night long, but that was clearly not available. He had no right to request such a remedy.

"I think I'll be fine now. You should get some rest, too." He gave her a confident grin. "If you look too exhausted, Dane or Kyon will haul me into the training area and make me face Jiro."

"Well, we can't have that. I'll leave the incense burning." She picked up the tanzanite egg and set it on the bedside table. "Goodnight, Jude. Sleep well."

With a parting smile, she slipped out of the room and closed the door. 

It took quite a while and several lungfuls of incense and stroking the cool tanzanite before Jude finally drifted off to sleep, with the taste of Ravyn's sweet kiss and her pine forest scent following him.