Chapter 1

" Remember I'm here, even if everyone stayed away from you, even if you feel you are alone..

Remember.. I'm here"

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Again today, your face appeared in my ream, I remained contemplating the features of your face that I keep by heart.

Your laugh.

Your sorrow.

Your anger.

Now, I adore every expression on your face.

Today, I saw your face in my dream. I reached my hand out to touch it; it wasn’t a dream, but a daydream.

I could weave your face out of the darkness around me with my own colors.

I closed my eyes trying to touch your face, to feel your skin under my hand.

However, it was a dream that is not mine.

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Darkness is not as frightening as I thought when I was a child.

Darkness.. is beautiful.

The beautiful darkness decorated with white crystals resembles an elegant dress. I sat in the garden of this dark palace only surrounded by this black crystal dress.

I have no idea why I love stars that much. I remained under the stars contemplating them for minuites, or maybe for hours, holding in my hand my daily dose of caffein I'm addicted to.

It becomes a usual thing; without it, my mood becomes bad to a great extent. The bad temper is spreading in the air like invisible gas is enough. Tension and exhausting thinking scatter in the air, as if today swore to make everyone upset for some reason.

There are only two places I'm allowed to be in. It's not compulsory but I've forced myself into them because I don’t like anyone feel uncomfortable in my presence.

It's better to feel this myself..

They are my room and this garden at night solely. I don’t think I have met the sun for a long time.

I started looking around, considering these inanimate objects until I turned my gaze to the palace of darkness, as I used to call it.

My eyes went through the place imagining someone next to me, patting over my sholder or holding me between his arms watching the stars together in order to tell him how delightful they are, and how much I adore them.

Once, when I wanted to escape enjoying my life alone, someone told me that one day I will wake up and find myself completely lonely, my heart will ache. Then, I will realize that I am lonely when I do something and find no one congratulates me on my hard work.

When I explore a new place and there is no one to accompany me to enjoy that place.

Or when I have good news and there is no one to tell, so the joy of this thing or that place turns into a great sorrow…

I snapped back to reality as my eyes were wandering until they settled on his dimmed room to reassure a bit.

He is asleep now.

However, I didn’t complete the sentence in my head- while looking at his room- until I found the light turned on all of a sudden.

I paniced for a second…

I found a shadow getting closer but I quickly averted my gaze before he opened his balcony. I just heard its door open and then close within minuites.

Did he see or notice me? I don’t know…

I didn’t dare look until few minuites later to find the lights off again.

At that time, the wind caressed my face and locks of my hair, so I breathed in the air to fill up the cells of my body. My light dress allowed me to enjoy this beloved wind of winter.

I only waited to end my cup of coffee in order to go to my room..

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Everyday is a hard day; yesterday and today were hard.

The hardest thing is not being ignored by him but me ignoring my heart that wants to go left while I force it to go right. It feels like I'm trying to prevent a kid from a candy that grabbed his attention.

All these attempts were continuous, just painfully continuous.

It was all in my mind that keeps speaking and thinking about everything relentlessly. I want it to take a break from thinking about every word, every action, every thing.

I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I lost control of my life a long time ago.

Being a thief stealing something is not hers surrounds me with chains around my neck. He stresses on it everyday more than the day before. I'm just suffocating everyday until that farce ends.

My life…

I have no idea when I fell asleep on that relaxing chair, nor what I was even doing, but I opened my eyes to face the ceiling and my mind attempted to control my limbs to move.

I raised my upper body as the damned sun illuminated the room. I stood up to do the first usual thing in my daily routine. I went to the balcony to see if his car disappeared? Is he here or not?

Fortunately, he has gone.

I kept looking around with nearly dead eyes exploring the featurres of the room as if it is the first time.

I tried to hurry up doing what I need before his return from from his company, but all I did was washing my face.

I went downstairs to find it- as usual- as quiet as a desert. I headed to the kitchen where the old lady. I don’t like to call her " maid", "housekeeper" is much better. She only comes twice a week.

I greeted her and she told me she made the brekfast, so I thanked her briefly. I feel that she loves me… at least someone does.

This drowsiness in the atmosphere needs to stop rightnow.

I walked upstairs to my room; I didn’t feel like eating food. I was shuffling; there is no desire to do anything but this doesn’t work.

Yesterday, I tried to get myself to go out and sniff some air, free of bad feelings. However, I found myself attracted to my bed, so I gave in.

Since I'm free and unemployed, I decided to narrate a bit of my diary so you may understand.

My life is not that interesting to talk about.

Since everyone is here and no one understands why I'm here, or whom I am afraid of that much, I will try to narrate the overall situation before his arrival, and before my usual hiberbation.

In fact, I'm married, it is not my house, and the person I'm afraid of is not my father.

However, I'm regarded as an unmarried one. I see my so-called "husband" only by accident as I saw his spectrum yesterday.

I feel sorry for him as he is in love with another girl but his family opposed this love. After seeing her, I don’t blame her actually. There was a strange magic coming out of her… it was sweet for men.

It wasn’t that magic which the man discovers in a woman after falling in love with her though she didn’t own. It was her own magic that makes every man fall down upon their knees before her. It is magic that cannot be taught or gained by experience.

In fact, it is a magic that a girl is born with. It is highly clear that no one needs to highlight. If you tried to imitate that magic, it would be gross.

One day, our families had decided our marriage as if it is a scripture or a divine decision that cannot be rejected.

I remember him crying at that time at the family gathering just for his wish to marry the one he loves. Then, I felt that a true man is the one who fights till the end.

Feeling sorry for him is suffocating. I felt like I am the biggest sinner in history after Hitler, because it was the worst feeling ever.. to fall in love with some one you cannot be with. To love him as you wish and always tell him to be by your side.. and since I'm that sinner, I feel what really feels now.

It seems that my punishment from Heaven for separating between two lovers was… was…

In order to punish myself after our marriage, I preferred he wouldn’t see my face.. I stayed away from him enough in order not to bother him…

He as well admits how much he hates and detests me in every once in a while.

Whenever I try to overcome my isolation, he brings me back more severely and firmly.

I can't ignore his gaze that makes me feel how much I am despicable.

I've forgotten his voice.

I've never seen his smile.

I'm just unrighteous against everyone.

That's why, I am running away from him in order not to see how he looks at me.

He never talks to me; he never knocks that door. I think if I died in that house, he wouldn't even realize.

Is it that much?

Yes, and even more.

But this is too much; he came back to his girlfriend.

It is incredibly too much.

Falling in love with him is my punishment from the sky .

After what I told you, everyone will think I am freaky. However, you will not believe how sweet, pure and innocent man he is. His laugh_ he never laughed in my face_ but I see him do in others' faces of course.

His expressions when he talks, when he is surprised, serious or cynical; he is sweet body and soul. He incredibly has a beautiful soul.

It all started when he appeared a lot in my dreams, when I secretly followed him to his company and other places to spend my free time.

It started when I saw him vibrant in front of me, laughing, having fun and talking,unlike that fetish with his expressionless face who doesn’t even talk in the house.

My desire to explore that guy before me took me to something I've never wanted to reach.

Then, my isolation became more suffocating, I got more tired. I wish I never saw his bad side.

I wish I never saw him laugh, play or speak.

I wish I never drowned myself in his details that much…

I just wish I didn’t observe anything about him to that tiring and insane extent.

I wish I didn’t care that much,because when I started to care, that room_ that was my whole world and kept me away from that bad character_ became narrow. I want to talk to him. I don’t want him to hate me that much.

I don’t want him to love me. I wouldn’t be upset. But… I don’t want him to hate me.

I tried to show him my support for coming back to his girlfriend, but he yelled at me instead.

He hates me like hell.

It is getting worse; I see him in my daydream instead of my sleep, laughing to me, talking to me, at least looking at me every day when the night falls. This pain is hard to ignore. It swallows me to an inevitable bottom.

You are the near-far one. I wish you could be the far I won't know, or the near I could feel by my side. However, why are you that near and that far at the same time?

Crying silently is painful. If you know how painful it is or how it blows up my mind. It is like knives embedded in my body; it's like fire devouring what's left of me.

It's just that I've never tried to feel anything with anyone, whether fellings for my parents or that feeling of belonging. So, you came to expreience everything with you all at once.

I wish you know how exhausting it is to cry at night.

Words of forgiveness and amnesty I wanted to hear when I commit crimes against every one told me that I'm made of glass, but I didn’t hear at the end.

If you just know how thinking of you at night is exhausting.

How hard it is to focus on your details and explore something new about you everyday that makes me fall in love with you even more.

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Each day is a sunny day for all but I consider it an overcast. Each rhythm I hear passing by people affects me, because I simply remember you. You can't imagine how my heart is racing for you. I sit alone thinking about you, only you.

Loving another girl makes me helpless, makes me feel like I'm at the gates of hell. I see all what you do with her and I wish it could be me, only me.

I want to love you with all my heart and essence but I just shut up and lock myself inside.

That shiny morning came again while I'm standing at the window before me. I don’t know why my tears are falling in dreadful silence. I don’t know but when I think of you a lot, I feel that my body is tired more than my psyche.

I'm ruined because you are far from me; that is what I tell myself everyday. I can't take any step without remembering this.

My eyes get lost in the outside world that I watch through that window.

This pain is unbearable..

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Going out of this room after wearing my clothes, my backpack and my indispensible glasses was the ultimate challenge in history.

I was running downstairs then I felt a movement in the kitchen. First, I thought it was that woman; however, this bungle of cuteness and charm spread in the place doesn’t belong to the old woman but her. It belongs to the one who has the status which I've stayed up nights imagining to have.

I stayed up imagining him showering her with sweet talk, touching her, and caresslng her face. I have pictures in my mind, dirtier than what I've said, that participated in stabbing me every night. But if we consider the fact, I'm the only intruder here.

I saw her making something with the lady. I was able to know many of what Jeon Soo likes to eat because of her as I_ of course_ don’t eat with him.

It happened once and it was really a disaster.

I quickly turned my face hoping she didn’t see me but after a minuite, I heard a voice calling my name filling that creepy house: "Yeon Hee".

I turned to her smirking. She is not bad but I know she controls her nerves because she is jealous of me indeed. How much I want to tell her that our feelings are mutual.

She said: " You didn’t have your breakfast. How about eating together with the lady".

I don’t know; she is talking normally but I can't give up the coldness of my face and my tounge refuses to let it as well when I'm in front of her.

" No, thanks", I replied with the coldest indifferent voice, then I went towards the door before seeing her expression. I concluded that cold icy atmosphere saying: " Don’t worry, I will stay overnight; you can stay without feel embarrased".

I walked out quickly. If she only knew that when I tell her I'm staying outside that I will be back at night and go up the iron ladder I hid in the garden. I climb to the window of my room and I made sure it is open a little so that no one notices.

I don’t like staying alone outside. I hate staying away from him like that.

I started walking in the garden till I reached its middle. Before I reached the door, I found his car.

Dammit, why did he come now?!

No, he can't see me. Oh God, am I trembling because of him or the wind?

I ran away quickly and sat on the swing behind the house before he stepped out of his car. Now, I look like children playing hide and seek when I look at him from a distance.

How amazing that warmth immersing me after that shiver in my body. I'm looking at him, smiling stupidly. I haven't seen him for two days. I've been looking at his photos that I took secretly while following him to the company for 2 days. I wanted to tell him that he should smile a lot to fix the world.. and to fix my heart even before the world.

I kept watching him till he reached the door. She opened it and they exchanged their love intimate greeting. However, I saw her telling him something so he looked around and I hid rapidly in order not to be seen till the door is closed.

I stood still abit with my detective sense to find my phone buzzing announcing a well-known intruder. I answered with a fake imaty: "Dear, Hyung Min".

He screamed at full force that I'm almost sure his throught will jump out of the phone: " Where are you now, you fool? The designs with you must be handed at once."

" Oh my god, the designs. I'm coming rightnow." I jogged outside and took a taxi.

I didn’t do any designs at all but I gad enough time.

Yes, don’t underestimate my skills.

I took out all I need out of my bag and started drawing using the laptop. I'm not a lazy girl as you think. I am the major publicity stunts designer

" Sun Yeon Hee".