Chapter 1

Fear felt like a thousand needles pricking my skin, growing like an expanding balloon in my chest. To be honest, I had many fears. All were different or maybe somehow related. As a child I had absolutely no notion of what others, even my own family, might be suffering or what they were thinking. I was aware of only my unspeakable fears and embarrassments. I was completely filled with the thought that I might already have been disqualified from living among human beings. I wonder if I have actually been happy. I was repeatedly reminded of how lucky I was but incomparably the people were more fortunate than I. What worries did they have? If those people would maintain their interest in people, not yield to despair, not always go mad, would their griefs be actually genuine? Am I too selfish to think like that? The night would go peacefully and the morning be exhilarating. What thoughts to they have while walking on the streets? Money? Wealth?...maybe not only that. If that's the case then their sufferings would be pretty easy to bear. The world is temporary, so are humans. Nothing lasts forever. Not even money. Desires of this world are just like sea water. The more you drink of them, the more you feel thirst. I sit on the soft sand beneath me. Cold breeze caressed my face, sending chills down my spine. The waves were crawling gently to the shore. The ocean was forging its own sea-song. The song of the sea enfolded me, leading my soul into another dimension. We would go to the sea on weekends or maybe once in a month. But every time, it felt different. A different place, every time I look at it. Besides the polluted sand at the corner or the sea washing up the rubbish thrown. I polluted the sea too. With my thoughts and burdens I had. I would wash it all away but they would come back as new ones.

"Xyli,"called mum once again. I look up and see her standing in front me. Smiling ear to ear. Her sweet voice ringing in my ears.

I stand on a long route of concrete and asphalt between a dark and gloomy forest. A wistful longing in my heart. My clothes stick to me, holding me tight. My hairs were soaking wet. No one was in sight. I started walking but it didn't end. I started running. If I had not blinked, the trees would have captured me with their deep branches into the forest. A heavy fog covers the forest. I see nothing but the path in front of me going on and on. The wind takes away my breath. It was suffocating. I hold my knees and eventually give up. I try every thing to escape from this maze. Running through the forest led me back to the place where I was. I feel a stinging pain in my stomach and I fall on my knees. I glance down. My fingers caress the blood seeping out of me. It painted my fingers dark red. My hands loose strength and my eyes slightly close. A figure appears in front of me. His face blurry. I try holding my hand out for help but nothing happens. The figure points towards an exit and slowly fades away.

~~~

I open my eyes with a sudden jolt. Cold sweats appear on my forehead. The water from the ceiling was dripping on my stomach. Drop by drop, it watered my shirt. "It's okay. It's really okay," I whisper to myself. It was raining again. I forgot to change the position of the bed and place a bucket underneath the leakage. I examine my surroundings; I was at home. A place I could barely call home. Where there was nothing and no one to feel safe with. I was at home but still wanted to go home. The ghosts inside this house were my only company. Making me feel their presence with the creaks of the wooden floor. Or by the sudden cold air that sent shivers. I had drifted to sleep without noticing. I walk towards the washroom door and open it with a creak from the rusty knob. I splash some water on my face glancing in the mirror. Eye bags darker than before and a few creases. Tears gather in my eyes but I blink as fast as I could. I couldn't run away. All I could do was to bear everything. But for how long? When will this end? When will my smile be genuine? My stomach growled, indicating I had to eat something. I walk downstairs while tying up my long crimson brown hair. I crack a egg and fry it. I pour some coffee in my one and only cup. I eat my breakfast on the kitchen counter and take about a hour to finish my coffee. Sip by sip. Taking in the smell of coffee mixed with the enchanting petrichor. I read the ingredients of the jar of jam on the counter for the 1587th time. I was running late for my job but it didn't matter since it was about time to write a resignation letter. I had enough of everything. I want to feel free. I want to find myself.