20♡Changes

I picked up the bottle of beer from the bistro table and took a good drink leaving the bottle half empty.

As I put the bottle down, I looked at Josh anticipating what he would say next.

"Let me ask you, have you had a serious crush before?" Hearing the question from Josh made me feel a bit disappointed. I couldn't imagine what it had to do with what we were discussing. At the same time, I find it amusing to think it is his way to know my more personal side.

"My crushes change weekly," he smirked.

"G, I said serious crush,"  Josh said with a stoic face.

"Maybe I can ask it another way." Josh moved his chair closer to mine.

"Have you ever liked someone that you notice everything about them, get excited or nervous when they are around, and wish to see and spend time with them?"

"Yeah...." I answered quickly finding the question funny.

Josh was quick with his follow-up questions. 'He is testing if I am being honest, ' I thought.

"This person looks like perfection that leaves you in awe?"

"Yes."

"You enjoy the accidental touches when it happens?"

"Yup"

"You sweat cold and your chest feels like it will burst every time this person is around."

"Yes!" I chuckled because of the fast question-and-answer charade.

My responses are as fast as his questions. It felt like we were in a race as to who was faster.

"Who is the person capable of this?"

"It's Ale....", I suddenly realized what I was about to answer and froze.

A brilliant smile curled his lips causing me to realize what he just asked and my answer.

Josh emptied his bottle and placed it on the bistro table.

"Does that help you sort some things out?" Josh asked.

I was in a daze and could only alternately nod and shake my head in confusion before I spoke to ask my brother what I never thought I would ask anyone in my lifetime.

"Am I gay, Josh?"

Josh placed his hand on my back and gave me an assuring smile.

"You are you. If you need a label for who and what you are, explore it and decide. To me, you are my brother and that's the only label I have for you."

I sat there frozen unable to say anything else.

My brain is using the new information to process what transpired earlier and as a reference to help me sort things out.

"That feeling I had when I caught Riel staring at Alec a couple of times, that was because of jealousy?"

"That feeling might be one of the things that Riel noticed aside from your other strange looks and reactions. That girl knows you so well, it's amazing." Josh answers.

It startled me to hear Josh responding when I realized I expressed my thoughts out loud.

"I am not dense. I noticed little things here and there between you and Alec, then the tension between Riel and Alec. I played dumb to avoid being an additional burden to you."

Josh then added, "Riel could be being overly protective of you or, she has reasons to be reacting that way."

I glanced at Josh, "Reasons???"

Josh pats my back, "You have a few things to sort out."

"Josh...." I muttered, "I am...not sure..."

"Of what?" Josh curiously asked.

I exhaled, "If I am gay..."

I can tell from Josh's face that he want to say something that would help me out.

"Is the distinction important to you? Is it not enough that you feel something towards a certain gender, or maybe both genders?"

I bowed my head placing both my hands behind my head. 'Is it important?'

Josh assured me that there was no rush if I wanted a clear label. I can slowly be who I am and live how I want without being controlled by some label for now.

The more I think about it, he is right. I have lived my life manipulating it in the direction I want, however, the direction I manipulated it to is based on who I thought I was. Now I don't even know myself.

Josh took my cell phone to check the time. Seeing that it was an hour past midnight, he started grabbing the bottles and placed them in the recycle bin by the side of the house.

He returned to the table where I was still sitting half dazed.

"I'm going back to the university tomorrow."

Then his tone changed as he crouched down to look me in the eye.

"You can text me or call me, any time of the day."

He then got up. "I'll be back Friday evening. Hopefully, you have done something that will allow us to have lunch with both of them by Saturday." He then patted my back.

"We owe them lunch because you weren't focused on the game and we lost." He then winked at me.

"G'night, G"

I straightened up and smiled at him realizing he knew something was up with me since the basketball game.

"Goodnight, Brother."

It has been a long time since I called him that, and I sensed that it surprised Josh because he stopped for a bit and gave me a nice smile.

I watched him open the sliding door and go inside the house.

I sat outside for a few more minutes then decided to return to bed. There's school tomorrow and I am dreading the awkwardness that will happen.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face to get ready for bed now that my stomach had been satisfied.

I was about to turn off the lights when I remembered something.

Lo-Ri!

She said she may know what is going on.

I hurriedly looked for my phone to check if I have her number.

'Darn it'

I probably didn't save it when she verbally gave it to us at the restaurant during dinner at the mall.

'Grace....she will have it'

I opened my door to check if there was light coming from under her door but to my dismay, there was none. What did I expect at this time, anyway? Josh is probably deep in sleep by now too.

I can get it tomorrow but it will be tricky. The fastest and easiest way will be for Riel to ask her but how do I explain to Riel why I want Lo-Ri's number.

"When did I start having to explain so many things?"

I am changing.