44 Not The Moon

"Is the wind harsh on you, Felixa?" Maximus walked closer to Felixa sitting by the window staring at the vast sky.

"Umm, no," Felixa turned to look at him.

"You look pale," he kissed her temple as he wrapped his cloak around her shoulders. "What are you thinking of?" he asked, still holding his cape.

Felixa leaned on his chest and placed her shivering fingers on his big hand. She just loved the warmth from him.

"Nothing much," she bit her lips. "I was just looking at the moon."

"The moon?" Maximus looked up. The waning moon is now hidden by the passing clouds. Being near the sea he could smell a new scent of breeze which he didn't realize until now. Being with her brings out a different perspective to mundane things around; things he didn't bother about before.

"It's a shame we cannot admire the moon," he whispered and pulled her closer.

"Shame?" Felixa raised her brows.

"Yes, the clouds are hindering the view," he answered.

"Are they?" Felixa fixed her eyes on the thick cluster of clouds. "Are they hindering us? Or are they helping the moon?"

"Helping the moon?" Maximus couldn't understand what she meant.

"What if the moon doesn't want to be admired? What if the moon asked the clouds to cover her from our prying eyes? What if she just wants to exist without others bothering her? Doesn't she deserve some privacy?" Felixa asked.

Felixa is still fretting about attending the ball. She wanted to find out if Tubby is here and how she could find him. She didn't want to waste her time by needlessly prancing around in white, gold, and shiny jewels. She wanted to survive quietly. She didn't like the controlling aspect of Max.

She understood as the wife of an Emperor, she should be dressed in a certain way and act a certain way. It is mandatory and Maximus is not wrong to expect it from her. And she has to do it so as not to anger him and to safeguard her life.

But along with her will to survive, she found another strong desire – the desire to hide. That desire overpowered her and gave her an unfounded fear.

In all the memories of her past, she was hiding. Only Tubby knew her true self and allowed her to act how she wishes. Luke, tried to control her and made sure she stays hidden.

[Did I get so used to living in the dark? Am I scared to come to the light even now? What will happen if I laid bare my heart to Max? What will he do if he learns about my past? My past… Why do I think there is more to it than me hiding my gender? Why can't I remember it?]

"Lexa…" Maximus took in a deep breath making Felixa feel the cold in her earlobe. And as he slowly breathed out, she warmed up.

This is how he is. He could be an ice-cold person who had every power to end her but he gives her warmth and makes her relax.

"Why would the moon want to hide?" he asked.

"Why?" Felixa looked at the sky.

The thick clouds have moved and now the moon is covered with just a thin veil of wispy clouds. She should admit. Rather than in hiding, the moon is looking better when she could see the beauty of the moon, with the blemishes and all.

"Maybe she is shy because she is not bright like the sun? What if she thinks she doesn't deserve the praises and thinks of them as shallow? What if she thinks that everyone is mocking her in their hearts because she is full of blemishes?" Lexa answered. "Or she just wants peace and quiet… and rest?"

Felixa didn't know from where these thoughts came from. It's not like she has met a lot of people this life. And no one has treated her with disrespect. But she couldn't accept any of it as her heart lied elsewhere. She is searching for her past and planning her future. She didn't find much comfort in the present.

"Hmm… Not bright like the sun?" Maximus fell silent.

"I…" Felixa didn't know what more to say. She is thinking a lot of weird things these days. And she felt comfortable talking to Max about certain things.

"Did you not like the designs I chose for you?" he asked, turning her to face him.

"That's not-" Felixa bowed her head and bit her lips. She didn't think that he could draw parallels from her words. He has reasons to be smug. He is smart.

"I… I don't want to be the center of attraction…" she opened up. "I know as your wife I am required to-"

"Required to?" With a smile, Maximus raised his brows. "Lexa," he cupped her cheeks bending to her eye level.

"As my wife, you shall have no rules and can live as you please. So even if you clothed yourself in rags, I'd proudly proclaim myself as your husband," he chuckled.

"My husband? How is that a prideful thing? I am a nobody," Felixa said with a chuckle.

Of all the words he said, she found this to be a mockery. He has no clue who she is and yet he says words he probably doesn't mean.

[In what world would be a woman revered more than a man? Even if she is better, she will have to stay in the shadow of a man. It is her fate that is determined the moment she is born a woman.]

It is a sad belief; one that might not be true. She did feel wrong to have that belief. Did she truly believe that? Did she truly believe that fate has the last say and being born a woman is a sentence of misery and misfortune? Should a woman be depending on a man forever?

She didn't remember ever thinking this way in her past life. But maybe she arrived at that conclusion or was forced to change her belief somewhere in her life.

Maximus' smile reduced hearing her say that. The exasperation in her tone is fairly obvious.

A barred owl's hoot added mystery to the silence of the night. He turned her to face the moon.

"You're not the moon, Lexa," he said wrapping his hands around her waist. "You never were, never will be."

"Why?" Felixa asked as she was intrigued. "Am I not admirable like the moon?"

She didn't fail to notice the sad tremble in his voice as he said 'never were'.

[What did he mean by that? Which past is he talking about? Mine or Wispy's?]