chapter 1

This is it.

I am doing it and I.... don't care anymore.

I keep reminding myself as I walk through the dark streets. It is after 3 am right now and I know it will be dawn soon if I don't hurry up.

I keep my hurried pace and my head low under the hoodie while clutching myself tight as if that will hold me from falling apart. I feel a chill run through me at the thought of what I am about to do. But there's no going back now, not because I can't, but because I don't want to go back.

I finally see the long tower a few miles away. I stop and stare at it. Do I really want to do this? My mind asks. Yes, I do. Do I really want to put my family through that pain? No, I don't. my heart and my brain keep going through this torturing conflict.

I start walking again ,slowly this time, trying to shut my mind of its reasoning. Because the truth is, I hate it here. I hate this world. It has been a torture to live everyday while feeling nothing.

Numb and Just.....nothing.

I am tired of seeing my parents and friends watching me mop around helpless. And for no reason. I've always been this depressed, crappy daughter and friend.

I tried.... I swear I did ,but nothing helped.

I picked up books and became a reader who's obsessed with the fictional world. But it depressed me even more for not be able to be part of it. I tried a lot of things journaling, hanging out with friends, and everything that can cross your mind.

But I still came back to reality and I despise the reality. I don't think the world is worth living in anymore.

I went to therapists, I took tons of anti-depressants, I wrote about my day which helped to some extent. But ,at the end of the day, I still went to bed sad and angry. I don't know why, and nobody seems to understand. Not one fucking person understands, and to be honest I don't understand myself, so why do I expect someone else to.

They say It's just part of the teenager life to feel confused and sad but is it really.

Is it okay to feel like a disappointment to the family and letting them down just because I don't feel happy? I think they gave up on me and honestly, I don't blame them. I only cause them pain and embarrassment after all so I might as well end it.

I shake my head slightly to get rid of any hesitation toward what I am about to do and look up. I have reached the dreaded place. It was far away from the town almost no one ever came here. It was isolated and looked like no one stepped a foot in it for years.

I open the entrance door and step through it before it closes again. I wouldn't be able to see anything if not for the dim white light of the moon coming through the windows. Everything is dusty and have spider webs all over the corners of almost everything in the room. There are desks in front of each wall making it look like it was an office before it was abandoned.

I take out my phone and open the flashlight. I walk through the first door I see and turn right to see a staircase. I keep going up every staircase I see until I reach the top of the building. There's a door which is slightly open I hesitate a bit before reaching out and holding the knob. I take a deep breath before entering and walking inside.

I am hit by a smell of cigarettes at first ,which is enough to make my legs want to bolt. I stand my ground and resist the feeling of dread that creeps through my body for the tenth time today. The first thing I see are graffiti drawings on the walls and the floor of the roof.

I would've stood and admired each one of them closely if I weren't here to do something. I look up at the sky to see the stars shinning bright tonight. I assume it's because I am far away from any city lights.

I close my eyes and lower my head taking deep breath again when suddenly my back collides with the wall behind me. The breath is knocked from me and I look up to see....

***************************