Chapter 6: The Trivia Challenge
**Press the button to start the trial**
The words displayed along with a button right below it on the screen that was on top of the podium.
"What the… is there electricity here?"
"NO DIPSHIT," a robotic voice that echoed from seemingly every part of the cave responded, "I AM A MAGICAL BEING."
"Hahaha, even the AI system calls you dipshit," Paula laughed.
"…I'm just going to ignore that. What did you mean earlier when you said we can have any of our wishes granted if we pass the cave trials?"
"IT'S JUST AS I SAID, I CAN HAVE ANY WISH GRANTED TO YOU BECAUSE I AM MAGICAL."
"Really?" Melanie asked, "Are you really magical though? You just sound like an AI system to be honest, like you were…"
I quickly covered her mouth before she could utter the next word.
"I don't know what you were about to reference Melanie but I'm pretty sure it's copyrighted."
"THAT'S RIGHT, I CAN GRANT ALMOST ANY WISH ALTHOUGH THERE ARE LIMITATIONS. THIS INCLUDES OVERWRITING COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT SO JUST CALL ME NED. ALSO, IF YOU MANAGE TO PASS ALL THE TRIALS, YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED ONE WISH PER PERSON AND NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES."
"Can you clear all my arrest warrants from the public Ned?" Paula asked.
"THOSE ARE NUMEROUS BUT YES I CAN DO THAT."
"Sweet."
"Infinite syrup," Fiona added.
"YES, I CAN PRODUCE FOR YOU INFINITE BOTTLES OF MAPLE SYRUP IF THAT IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT."
"What… what the hell, that's the best you guys can think of?" I asked in disbelief, "How omnipotent are you anyways Ned? Can I, for example, wish for immortality or world peace or infinite money? What are these specific limitations you speak of?"
"YOU CAN WISH FOR ANY OF THOSE THINGS BUT I HIGHLY SUGGEST ONE OF YOU WISH FOR ONE THING SPECIFICALLY."
"And what's that?"
"A WAY OFF THE ISLAND."
"…"
"…"
"What? What do you mean a way off the island? Aren't we just stuck on a random island in the Bermuda triangle or something? I'm pretty sure eventually a passerby ship or Melanie's family's rescue team will find us. That is where we are right now isn't it Ned?"
"INCORRECT, YOU ARE IN A SELF CONTAINED DIMENSION THAT ONLY HAS THIS ISLAND AND ABOUT 20 MILES OF OCEAN."
"What? What the hell, how is that possible?"
"I CANNOT GIVE YOU THE SPECIFICS OF THAT BUT BERMUDA TRIANGLE CONSPIRACISTS WERE IN FACT RIGHT ALL ALONG."
"What…?"
"Well, I'm not wasting my wish on something dumb like that," Paula snapped, "I'd rather just be stuck here forever and wish for a pet dragon."
"What did you say you grew up doing again?"
"Selling drugs and committing crimes why?"
"…"
"…"
"What? Like I said, despite that, I know what my priorities are."
"Syrup still," Fiona said.
"Okay… Melanie what about you? What would you wish…"
When I looked at her however, Melanie was wearing the usual gleeful Fujioshi grin I had now become accustomed to.
"Actually you know what, I won't even ask."
I sighed coming to terms with the fact that I would have to tank the bullet and use my own wish on the one Ned suggested.
"Okay whatever, it's not like there's much to do on this island. How do we complete these so called trials of yours anyways Ned? And furthermore, who the hell even built you then if we exist right now in some sort of pocket dimension?"
"I TOLD YOU ALREADY, NOBODY BUILT ME I'M SIMPLY MAGICAL."
Well that's just lazy writing…
"PROCEED BY PRESSING THE BUTTON ON THE SCREEN."
"Sounds good!" Paula said immediately pressing the screen, "I want that dragon!"
As she did, just like in the first cave Melanie and I had stumbled upon, the wall in front of us suddenly began to shift apart as a small passageway formed in between.
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"KEEP WALKING UNTIL YOU GET TO THE END OF THE TUNNEL."
"Yeah yeah we're going Ned, and where is your voice even coming from?"
At that point, we had walked for about 3 minutes into the tunnel which appeared quite empty outside of some torches on the walls.
"NED IS OMNIPRESENT EVERYWHERE IN THE TRIAL CAVE."
"Right... and how many trials did you say we have to do before we get to have a wish granted?"
"10! THEY WILL APPEAR 2 DAYS APART FROM ONE ANOTHER."
"Oh that's cool, what happens if we fail a trial?"
"YOU DIE."
"…"
"…"
"JUST KIDDING, THAT WAS A JOKE. YOU ACTUALLY GET INFINITE TRIES BUT ONLY ONCE EVERY 2 DAYS. YOU HUMANS NEED A SENSE OF HUMOR."
"Hahahahahahahaha."
The only one who appeared to actually find Ned's joke funny was Fiona whose facial expression had changed for once as she laughed heartily clutching her stomach. After about 20 seconds of this however, she changed back to her usual blank expression and kept walking forward.
"I'M GLAD SOMEONE GETS IT AT LEAST."
We proceeded to walk for another 5 minutes before finally reaching a door at the end of the tunnel. As we opened it, we arrived at a small room with what appeared to be a very large almost movie size TV in it. On the screen, white words in front of a black black ground read "Trial 1"
"Okay, I'm pretty sure that's powered by electricity."
"NO IT'S NOT DIPSHIT, IT'S JUST MAGIC."
"Hahahaha Ned called you dipshit again." Paula laughed pointing at me.
"Anyways... now that we're here, what's the trial we have to do anyway?"
"YOU GUYS WILL HAVE TO COMPLETE A TRIAL... OF... BASIC TRIVIA."
"… what?"
"IT'S EXACTLY AS I SAID, TRIVIA. HERE LET ME DEMONSTRATE FOR YOU A PRACTICE ROUND."
The screen in front of us suddenly changed into a white background as black text appeared.
"HOW MANY MOOSE CAN BE FOUND IN NORTH AMERICA?" Ned said reading the text out loud.
"Okay, that's way too hard, there's no way of knowing…"
"1521501," the deadpan voice of the red haired android stated blankly.
"THAT'S CORRECT. PLEASE SAY LOCK IN WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FINAL ANSWER."
"Lock in," Fiona said.
"GOOD JOB, FOR THIS TRIAL, THERE WILL BE 10 GENERAL TRIVIAL QUESTIONS AND THEN 10 TELL ME WHO THIS IS QUESTIONS WHERE THE PICTURE OF A FAMOUS CELEBRITY WILL BE DISPLAYED ON THE SCREEN AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHO THEY ARE. YOU MUST GET 16 OUT OF 20 QUESTIONS CORRECT TOTAL TO PASS THIS TRIAL."
"That seems pretty tough, I'm pretty sure I've never done that well on a test before in my entire life," Paula said.
"ALSO TO MAKE THIS EASIER FOR THE READERS, WE WILL BE CHANGING THE WAY YOUR DIALOUGE IS WRITTEN."
Xavier: What? What does that even mean?
Paula: You'd understand if you weren't the dipshit self-insert protagonist who says all the default dialogue.
Xavier: Don't you mean the dense self-insert protagonist?
Paula: I know what I said.
Ned: LET'S BEGIN.
Xavier: The screen in front of us suddenly changed as the next question appeared.
Melanie: Xavier, do you have schizophrenia like John Nash or something? Why are you talking like that?
Ned: JOHN LOCKE BELIEVED THAT AT BIRTH, THE MINDS OF HUMANS ARE A CLEAN SLATE WHICH IS ALSO KNOWN AS WHAT?
Xavier: What? Philosophy? Okay I'm pretty sure in my classes…"
Melanie: I'm pretty sure Locke's mind was blank when he saw Thomas Hobbes' body.
Xavier: What…? Those are famous philosophers, you can't just ship anyone like that.
Melanie: I can and I will.
Paula: Let's see, I'm pretty sure Locke is an English name. I'm pretty sure English people at that point liked to say random phrases in Latin.
Xavier: Wow Paula I'm honestly quite impressed. Yeah I think you're right. If I remember correctly, the time period we can place Locke in…"
Ned: INCORRECT, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY THE TIME PERIOD WE CAN PLACE IS NOT CORRECT. THE CORRECT ANSWER IS TABULA RASA
Xavier: …
Melanie: …
Paula: … Nice going dipshit. Chose your wording more carefully next time.
Ned: NEXT QUESTION: WHAT YEARS DID LEWIS AND CLERK'S WEST EXPEDITION TAKE PLACE?
Melanie: 1804-1806! Lock in. Pocahontas was a third wheel honestly.
Ned: CORRECT NEXT QUESTION!
...
...
Melanie: …
Paula: …
Xavier: … What's taking so long for the next question to load?
Ned: SORRY MAGIC REQUIRES PROCESSING TIME. ANYWAYS, THE NEXT QUESTION IS: WHO WROTE THE SONG MY HEART WILL GO ON?
Fiona: Celine Dion lock in.
Ned: CORRECT, AND BEFORE YOU ASK, I CHECKED THE COPYRIGHT LAWS ON REFERENCING REAL PEOPLE AND WE SHOULD BE FINE.
Xavier: How'd you do that? Are you connected to the internet or something?
Ned: THE ANSWER IS SHUT THE HELL UP DIPSHIT IT'S MAGIC. ANYWAYS, THE NEXT QUESTIONS IS: WHEN DOES THE SUMMER SOLSTICE TAKE PLACE?
Xavier: I'm pretty sure that one's…
Paula: June 21st lock in.
Xavier: What the…I could have sworn it was in July. How did you know that?
Paula: They mention it in a Shakespeare play you uncultured swine.
Ned: NEXT QUESTION: WHO WON THE FINALS MVP OF THE 2019 NBA FINALS?
Fiona: Kawhi Leonard lock in
Ned: THAT IS CORRECT.
Xavier: Wow good job Fiona, we're doing pretty well so far.
Paula: Yeah no thanks to you dickweed.
Xavier: I'm trying my best okay… wait what did you call me?
Paula: I have to keep the insults fresh dumbfuck, otherwise the joke will get old.
Ned: NEXT QUESTION, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF GENERAL LIU BEI'S WIFE FROM ROMANCE OF THE 3 KINGDOMS?
Melanie: Zhugeliang lock in!
Ned: THAT IS INCORRECT.
Melanie: What? No way, was it Cao Cao then?
Ned: HER NAME WAS WU YI.
Melanie: Lies.
Ned: NEXT QUESTION: WHAT IS THE MACHINE THAT CLEANS OFF THE ICE ON AN ICE RINK CALLED?
Xavier: What? Who the hell would know what one of those are called?
Fiona: Zamboni lock in.
Ned: CORRECT NEXT QUESTION: IN MATH THIS IS CONSIDERED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FORMULA IN THE WORLD.
Melanie: Euler's ass loc…
Paula: No no, Euler's formula lock in.
Xavier: What? What the hell. Okay I'm very confused, I thought you said you were from the streets.
Ned: THAT IS CORRECT.
Paula: Doesn't mean I don't have my priorities right. Also who the hell doesn't know Euler's formula? Basic stuff.
Ned: NEXT QUESTION: WHAT IS THE COMPOUND NACL MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS?
Paula: Oh, that's the compound I used to trick some of my clients into being coke when I wanted to be cheap. Lock in.
Xavier: Paula, you have to more specific than that I'm pretty sure.
Ned: NO I WILL ACCEPT THAT ANSWER. THE ANSWER WAS IN FACT SALT.
Xavier: I stand corrected.
Ned: FINAL QUESTION: IN THE GAME OF CHESS, WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN YOU CAPTURE THE OPPONENT'S PAWN THAT JUST MOVED 2 SPACES BY MOVING DIAGONAL TO THE SPACE THE OTHER PAWN WOULD HAVE GONE IF IT HAD ONLY MOVED ONE SPACE?
Xavier: What? I'm like 99% sure that's not a legal move.
Paula: En Passant lock in.
Ned: CORRECT.
Xavier: Holy Hell.
Ned: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE GOTTEN 8 OUT OF 10 QUESTIONS CORRECT IN THE FIRST ROUND. YOU'LL NEED TO MAINTAIN THIS PACE AND NAME 8 OUT OF 10 CELEBRITIES CORRECT TO PASS THIS TRIAL.
Paula: Yeah, no thanks to dumbass Xavier here who got exactly 0 of the questions.
Xavier: I'm trying my best okay.
Melanie: Don't worry I believe in you Xavier!
Xavier: Ahhhh thanks Melanie. You think I'll get a lot right this next round?
Melanie: I believe that you're trying your best Xavier!
Ned: OKAY, LET THE NEXT ROUND BEGIN THEN.
Xavier: The screen suddenly changed as the image of a blonde popstar singer appeared in front of us.
Melanie: Seriously Xavier, when we get off this island, I feel you need to get this schizo thing checked out.
Fiona: Avril Lavign lock in.
NED: CORRECT NEXT CELEBRITY.
Xavier: What? That's not a celebrity, that's a 2D anime character I'm pretty sure.
Melanie: Kirito lock in!
Xavier: Okay… there's no way that won't be copyrighted.
Paula: Nah nah, she didn't say which Kirito. Somehow you still managed to be a more boring MC though.
Ned: CORRECT NEXT CELEBRITY.
Melanie: …
Xavier: …
Fiona: …
Paula: … yeah I have no idea, there's no one there so uhh… Invisible man? Lock in? That's a person right?
Ned: INCORRECT IT WAS JOHN CENA NEXT CELEBRITY.
Xavier: **Looks at Fiona**
Melanie: **looks at Fiona**
Paula: **Looks at Fiona**
Fiona: Wayne Gretzky lock in.
Ned: CORRECT NEXT CELEBRITY:
Melanie: Steve Irwin lock in and rest in peace.
Ned: CORRECT AND REST IN PEACE INDEED. OKAY NEXT CELEBRITY.
Xavier: Wow she's pretty, but I have no idea who that is.
Paula: IU lock in, I own all of her albums.
Ned: CORRECT
Paula: Wow, still 0 so far. Could you be any more useless Xavier?
Xavier: At this point I actually can't even respond to that.
Ned: NEXT CELEBRITY.
Melanie: Alexander the Great lock in
Ned: CORRECT NEXT CELEBRITY
Fiona: Drake lock in.
Ned: CORRECT
Paula: God damn, Fiona's hard carrying our anchor Xavier here. Good job toots. Just one more and we'll have 16 out of 20. Hopefully Xavier can contribute to the group project for once!
Ned: NEXT CELEBRITY.
Melanie: …
Paula: …
Fiona: …
Xavier:… I have no idea who that old man is. Is he important or something? I don't know, I'm just going to throw out the name of a random president like uhhh… Groover Cleveland? Lock in.
Ned: INCORRECT THAT'S DR. ANTHONY FAUCI YOU NIMRODS. THIS IS WHY THE WORLD IS WHAT IT'S LIKE CURRENTLY.
Xavier: Shit alright… it all comes down to this last question then right?
Paula: Yeah, now or never to contribute Xavshit. Hopefully we won't have to carry you the whole way.
Xavier: Alright alright I got this I got this.
Ned: FINAL CELEBRITY DO OR DIE QUESTION.
Melanie: …
Fiona: …
Paula: … she's pretty hot but I have no idea who that is. Now would be the time to come in clutch Xavshit.
Xavier: …
Paula: Xaivshit? Oi Xavshit, say something, you're a bit of a pervert aren't you? Surely you know who that is right?
Xavier: … yeah.
Paula: Alright go ahead say it then! You have to contribute somehow.
Melanie: You got this Xaiver!
Xavier: … sigh…
Melanie: …
Paula: …
Fiona: …
Xavier: … Jynx Maze Lock in.