Chapter 16: Enter Your Ballots

"So, now what?" I asked as soon as the trial finished. "Where are we going to sleep now before the final trial?"

"I'M GLAD YOU ASKED SILLY HUMAN, GO AHEAD AND TAKE A LOOK OUTSIDE."

"Wait what about our mini prize?"

"OH UHH…. HERE'S A YO-YO."

Suddenly a yo-yo on a podium popped up from the ground.

"A yo-yo… we have one trial left and the best you could think of this time is a yo-yo?"

"I'll take it!" Paula said grabbing the yo-yo and doing some tricks, "these things are neat!"

"That better be relevant at some point or else what was even the point of the mini-prizes?" I asked, "Most of them disappeared with the island."

"IT'S RELEVANT BECAUSE SHUT THE FUCK UP JUST LOOK OUTSIDE SILLY HUMANS."

As he said that, suddenly a door appeared in the room we were in. Gulping, the 4 of us headed towards to door to see…

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In front of us replacing the familiar sandy grounds was instead an artificial metal floor. It appeared we had been taken to some sort of circular arena with high walls several meters in front of us. Beyond those tall walls we saw surrounding us crowds of masked aliens all staring intensely at us.

"PRESENTING LIVE FROM A STUDIO AUDIENCE, THE "SILLY HUMANS" SEASON 14 FINALE!"

The crowd began erupting in cheers at Ned's booming announcement.

"You lot renewed this shit 13 times?" Paula asked.

"OH PLEASE, DO YOU SEE WHAT GETS PLAYED ON 'HUMAN' TELEVISION?"

The crowd began laughing at the joke.

"That wasn't even a good joke…" Paula replied.

"YOUR LIFE'S NOT EVEN A GOOD JOKE!"

The crowd again burst out in laughter.

"Do we get our usual 2 day break before the final at least?" I asked

"OH DID I NOT MENTION THIS? OH I GUESS I DIDN'T MENTION THIS. NO SILLY HUMANS, THE LAST 2 TRIALS OF "SILLY HUMANS" ARE COMBINED FOR A 2 HOUR SEASON FINALE HAPPENING… RIGHT NOW!"

"What!?!? As in now now?" Melanie asked.

"NOW AS IN… RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK!"

Suddenly a glass dome formed up from the edge of the walls engulfing the space above our heads and separating us from the audience.

"I would like to negotiate a cut of the TV revenue." Paula said.

"SHUT UP PAULA, YOU CAN'T NEGOTATE SHIT AS THE LOWEST RATED MEMBER."

"What!?!? How is that possible? I'm so cool though!"

"NOT ACCORDING TO OUR FANS! AND SPEAKING OF FANS, WOULD YOU HUMANS MIND SIGNING SOME OF THESE LETTERS?"

Just as Ned said that, a couple of masked aliens came from within the cave door rolling out a cart divided into 4 piles of letters with our names labeled and pens next to each one.

"Why would we do that if you're treating us like monkeys?"

"BECAUSE HUMANS ARE EGOCENTRIC AND WANT TO KNOW WHAT OTHERS THINK OF THEM. WE HAVE CODED THE LETTERS ON PAPER THAT ONLY TRANSLATES AFTER YOU SIGN THEM."

Upon closer look, it did appear the letters were not in English.

"How does that even work?"

"MAGIC"

"Dear Melanie," Melanie began reading aloud as she finished signing one of her letters.

"OMG girl fujioshi trash squad represent. If I knew you IRL we'd be like totes besties. ,<3 <3… Ah thanks BListruth69 we probably would!"

"What's a waifu?" Fiona asked as she held up one of her own letters.

"One of mine's asking about which Pokémon game I think is the best."

"Well Paula which one?" Melanie asked.

"Soul Silver/Heart Gold, easy poke walker use when I'm running from the cops"

Finally, I looked down at my own pile. Only 5 letters, about the same as Paula's pile and significantly smaller than Melanie's whose own pile was dwarfed by Fiona's. Still, some aliens had made the effort to write these for me, who was I to turn down my 5 fans? I grabbed my pen and true to Ned's words, as my full name was written down, the words on the paper suddenly changed to English.

"Dear Xavier," I began reading, "It's cool that…"

"OKAY TIMES UP, WE'RE GETTING BACK FROM COMMERICAL SOON!"

As Ned interrupted me, the tiki masked aliens suddenly grabbed the rest of the letters from our hands pushing them away on the cart.

"NOW THEN…"

The dome opened up again as we heard the crowd above us begin cheering.

"WELCOME BACK TO "SILLY HUMANS" SEASON 14. I AM YOUR HOST NED. IT IS NOW TIME TO ANNOUNCE THE FINAL TRIAL."

"Bring it," Melanie said, "we've passed all your challenges so far. We just have to work as a team, right guys?"

"THAT'S WHY YOU'LL BE DOING THIS FINAL TRIAL INDIVIDUALLY"

"What?!?!" Melanie shrieked, "Not fair, how come only now we're doing that?"

"I DON'T MAKE THE TRIALS, FAN VOTES DO."

"Sell out," Fiona said.

"BLAME THE PRODUCERS AND ASK FOR A PAY RAISE FOR ME FOR DEALING WITH YOUR BULLSHIT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. ANYWAYS, LET THE FINAL TRIAL BEGIN"

As Ned finished his sentence, the dome once again appeared separating us from the audience's noise.

"TELL ME SILLY HUMANS, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE PRISONER'S DILEMMA?"

"Yes," Paula said.

"OH REALLY NOW PAULA? I DON'T THINK YOU CAN UNDERSTAND SOMETHING AS COMPLEX AS…"

"It's when two dipshits have a choice on whether to sell out each other when they both commit a crime right? Something like the following chart?

"..."

"..."

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

"One of my fans is apparently a prisoner and they asked me for advice."

"WHAT THE HELL, GIVE ME THAT"

A masked crew member went up to Paula and snatched the letter from her hand.

"YOU'RE CORRECT THOUGH PAULA, YOUR CHALLENGE WILL BE VERY SIMILAR TO THIS CHART. LET ME EXPLAIN. YOU EACH WILL BE PLACED INTO 4 DIFFERENT ROOMS IN THE CAVE. THERE YOU WILL BE GIVEN A BALLOT WITH ALL YOUR NAMES ON IT. YOU WILL HAVE TWO OPTIONS, EITHER LEAVE THE BALLOT BLANK, OR VOTE FOR SOMEONE. IF ALL THE BALLOTS ARE LEFT BLANK, YOU'LL ALL HAVE TO STAY HERE AS SILLY HUMAN CONTESTANTS FOR ANOTHER FULL SEASON. BUT IF EVEN ONE PERSON CASTS A VOTE, THE REST OF YOU WILL GET A WISH AND THE PERSON WITH THE MOST VOTES MUST STAY ON THE ISLAND AS A CONTESTANT… FOREVER."

"Forever?" Fiona repeated.

"WELL, AT LEAST UNTIL WE GET CANCELLED, BUT WITH HOW WELL THE LAST TRIAL PERFORMED, I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON."

"What if there's a tie for most votes?" I asked.

"THEN THE TIED HUMANS BOTH STAY FOREVER."

"But then how is that at all like the prisoner's dilemma?" Paula asked, "Wouldn't it make more sense if we paired up and…"

"SHUT UP PAULA THEY DON'T LIKE YOU FOR YOUR INTELLECT."

"…"

"NOW THEN IF YOU WILL."

Suddenly 4 masked aliens began walking towards us.

"THESE NICE GENTLEMEN WILL BE ESCORTING YOU TO YOUR RESPECTIVE ROOMS."

I looked at my 3 companions who all looked somberly as we began to separate. Well… I suppose it was now or never. If I was going to say something cool and break out of my straight man stereotype… this was my moment.

"Paula… Melanie… Fiona… vote for me."

"THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL CHALLENGE, PLEASE DO NOT TALK BEFORE…"

"I'll do it… I'll make that sacrifice… just make sure to…"

"XAVIER SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO…"

"Remember me!"

"No!" the voice of a survival extraordinaire suddenly blurted out. Melanie looked at me with a sad face and tears nearly flowing from her eyes.

"It's my fault we got stuck here in the first place. If… if only I had been patient and been okay with waiting 3 days to rebuy those BL novels… we wouldn't have gotten into this mess in the first place. If anyone should be sacrificed, it should be me!"

"OKAY ENOUGH! GUARDS, TAKE THEM AWAY BEFORE THEY CONTINUE THIS NONSENSE MONOLO…"

"Nah, it should me," The blonde delinquent said. Paula also nearly had tears in her eyes and a bittersweet smile. "It was my job to be your body guard Melanie, and I failed that. If anyone deserves to stay here forever… it's me."

"OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD, GUARDS HURRY UP AND… WHAT!? THE PRODUCERS SAID WHAT?!?!?! EMOTIONAL MOMENT? GOOD FOR RATINGS? FINE FUCK, ALRIGHT YEAH YEAH HURRY UP SILLY HUMANS SO…"

"I'm not human,"

We all turned to the red haired android who wore the same deadpan expression she always did.

"Fiona not human, no emotions. Voting me okay."

"You're human to us Fiona," I said to her. As I did, we all decided to embrace for a group hug as the guards waited patiently. It was difficult to tell, but the way their heads lowered seemed to make it seem the guards were respecting our moment.

"UGHH… ARE YOU HUMANS DONE? THIS IS GROSS. OKAY WHATEVER, I DESERVE A PAY RAISE ANYWAYS. OKAY GUARDS TIMES UP, TAKE THEM AWAY."

They did what appeared to be a groaning noise as slowly, they separated us and led us back inside the cave.

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As we entered back through the door, the room we had previously been at now transformed to a room with 4 doors on the other side. The masked aliens each led us through one of the doors. As I entered mine, the center of the room that appeared contained a chair, table, pencil, and ballot like Ned had said. I sat down at the chair.

"Whelp… no choice," I thought sitting down and looking down at my ballot, "may Fiona find maple syrup paradise, Paula's criminal record be cleared, and Melanie go on many many survival expeditions in the future when I'm gone."

I looked down at my ballot

o Fiona

o Melanie

o Xavier

o Paula

o Other ___________

Wait other?

"What's the 'other' option for?" I asked the masked alien that had been standing in the same room as me. He let out some words in a language I didn't understand and simply shrugged his shoulders. Not really sure what I expected there. Still… other, other. What does "other" mean? Were we not the only ones on the island this whole time? No… but we had to be. All we saw outside the tiki masked aliens towards the end were skeletons no?

"5 MORE MINUTES TO CAST YOUR VOTES SILLY HUMANS, AFTERWARDS PLEASE CARRY YOUR BALLOTS WITH YOU OUTSIDE. YOU WILL BE READING THEM OUTLOUD IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE… AND THE FRIENDS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE JUST BETRAYED BWHAHAHAHA."

"Fuck you Ned…" that's all I thought in that moment. Honestly who enjoys this type of stuff? Some twisted sadist that's for sure. And 14 seasons? Was Ned the host for all those seasons seeing every human suffer time and time again in these trials? Seriously what the fuck. Being stuck on the island again wouldn't be that bad if not for the fact I would have to deal with Ned's bullshit. God damn, if there's one person's voice I never want to hear again it would be…wait a minute.

"Other" I repeated in my head, "Other… there has to be a reason that option's on here."

And in that moment a realization struck me. I didn't have to vote for Melanie, or Paula, or Fiona, or myself. I didn't even have to leave the ballot blank and risk us coming back for another season. No… there was someone else I could vote for.

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"OKAY HUMANS, TIMES UP. GUARDS, ESCORT THESE SILLY HUMANS BACK OUTSIDE."

As the guards began leading us back outside to the crowd, I reunited with Paula, Melanie and Fiona. Paula and Melanie appeared to look at me with a weak smile while Fiona had her usual blank expression. I however, felt more confident than I ever had as I flashed them a confident smile. Hopefully they had figured out what I had in the cave.

When we exited the cave back outside onto the metal floor, the glass dome had once again been lifted as we heard the cheers from the crowd of alien observers staring down at us. On the floor as well appeared to be a set up microphone stand and microphone.

"AND NOW… FOR THE FINAL TRIAL OF SILLY HUMANS SEASON 14. WHO WILL STAY HERE FOREVER? WHO WILL ESCAPE? MAYBE THEY'LL ALL STAY FOR ONE MORE SEASON, OR MAYBE WE'LL BE LUCKY AND THEY'LL ALL STAY HERE FOREVER BWHAHAHAHA. OKAY LINE UP HUMANS WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?"

"I will," Paula said going up to the microphone stand. She looked back at us, again with tears about to flow out of her eyes.

"AHHHH, OUR RESIDENT DELINQUENT, OKAY PAULA GO AHEAD, SAY OUTLOUD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE WHO YOU VOTED FOR."

"I have many regrets," Paula began.

"JUST GET ON WITH IT. NO ONE WANTS TO… WHAT?!?! HE'S ALLOWING THIS TOO. ALRIGHT FINE WHATEVER."

"Getting into that fight that got me kicked out of school, not doing my job and protecting Melanie, and most of all… selling coke to an undercover cop in exchange for a shiny Charizard. My criminal record at this point is beyond repair. Therefore… regrettably I have voted for…"

She lifted her ballot up in the air.

"Nooneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"WHAT? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT SPEECH IF YOU WEREN'T GOING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF?"

"Yeah I mean I thought about it but ehh… if I could stay here with Fiona too that'd be dope." She said giving a wink over at the red haired android.

"Sacrebleu," Fiona said rolling her eyes.

"OKAY… ONE BLANK BALLOT SO FAR. WHO'S NEXT?"

"I'll go!"

We all turned our attention to Melanie who stepped up next to the microphone.

"You know it really is entirely my fault we're stuck here in the first place. As a survival extraordinaire I have confidence that I can take on any challenge you may bring Ned! I'll never go down without a fight. Therefore I voted for…"

"GO ON"

"No one as well!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"WHAT… WHAT WAS THE POINT OF YOUR SPEECH THEN? THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS REALLY ALL YOUR FAULT MELANIE."

"Yeah but… you know I was thinking about this. If Paula returns back, she really is just going to be hunted down by the police. Fiona's an android so she's probably just chill with anything. And Xavier…"

She looked at me, a smile appearing on her face. I blushed a bit giving her a smile back.

"Xavier… my parents will probably send you to prison as well if you return without me."

Ahhhh… makes sense

"ALRIGHT WHATEVER. UGHHHH SO BORING, ALRIGHT DIPSHIT, UP TO YOU AND FIONA TO SPICE THINGS UP I GUESS. WHO WANTS TO GO NEXT?"

Okay… so Paula and Melanie didn't quite think of the same idea as me when they saw their ballots. Still… it doesn't matter. At this rate if everyone else votes for no one, that means only my vote will count. Perfect, absolutely perfect.

"I'll go!" I said confidently stepping up to the microphone.

"OH GOD HERE WE GO. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US THIS TIME DIPSHIT? YOU GONNA MAKE SOME DRAMATIC SPEECH ABOUT THANKING FIONA AND PAULA AND CONFESSING YOUR LOVE TO MELANIE? BWHAHAHA WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A SIMP ANYWAYS. JUST GET IT OVER WITH AND VOTE YOURSELF."

As Ned said those words however, a smirk appeared on my face. No… this wasn't going to be like the last trials, this time, I was going to be the one to think of the clever solution to let us all pass the trial. I took a deep breath before beginning to talk.

"You know Ned," I said into the microphone, "I noticed something funny about these ballots you gave us."

"OH YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?"

"There're 4 of us silly humans as you say. But on the ballot there happened to be 5 options, an option for 'other' to write in someone else on the island correct?"

"YEAH, SO WHAT? THAT'S JUST A NONSENSE SPACE, NO ONE ELSE WAS ON THE ISLAND WITH YOU TO VOTE FOR"

"Ah, but is that true? There was someone else who was on the island and who in fact, had been in every episode of "Silly Humans" season 14."

"OH YEAH, AND WHO'S THAT? MELANIE'S FANFIC OC SHE WAS SECRETLY WRITING ABOUT?"

"Hey!!!!" Melanie shouted behind me, "How did you know about that?"

"24 HOUR CAMERAS"

"That's… kind of weird, but whatever it makes her quirky okay!" I shouted into the microphone, this time a full smile appearing on my face as I turned back and saw Melanie blushing profusely.

"No… there was someone else, the mastermind behind this whole show and the person… or alien or whatever I hate the most."

"YEAH YEAH, JUST GET ON WITH IT SO THE MOST POPULAR MEMBER CAN GO."

"I vote…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"NED"