Chapter 15: Using Your Head to Win
The day after the 8th trial, I didn't really do much except wander around the island by myself staring at random trees. At night, I just lay down at the campsite looking up at the clear sky full of stars. 30 markings had now been etched on the original rock.
"I wonder if those are even real," I thought to myself, "maybe one of those stars in reality is just a satellite camera looking down on us."
Besides me, the other 3 islanders sat around the campsite playing with the deck of cards Ned had given us as a mini-prize.
"Do you have… any 5s Fiona?" Melanie asked.
"No, go fish,"
"Damn you got me."
"I play skip!"
"Paula, where did you get a Uno card from?"
"What do you mean, I've always had this."
I looked over and just stared at them. My existential shock had mostly calmed down a bit after a day of soul searching. Still, a bit of melancholy still remained in my system.
"Hey… come join us Xavier," Melanie said looking over at me, "we don't have a lot of days left here you know, come have some fun!"
I nodded and sat down near them but still not saying a word.
"Still depressed about being on an Alien gameshow and within a Bermuda Triangle conspiracy?"
I nodded.
The three of them kept playing cards.
"Oh cheer up Sadvier, this isn't so bad," Paula said drawing a card, "I mean prisoner of aliens, prisoner of law enforcement, I don't see a difference."
"Hey I have an idea!" Melanie said suddenly placing down her cards, "let's play a different game."
"What… I was about to win,"
"No idea what you're talking about Paula, this is obviously a natural transition with no correlation to how the game is going."
Melanie stood up and placed her hands on her hips.
"We've been here for what, a month now? I'd say we've all become pretty good friends by now haven't we?"
"Not friends with her…" Fiona said pointing at Paula.
"Ahhhh shy as usual toots,"
"Whatever, close enough," Melanie said continuing, "either way, we've gone through a lot of memories together haven't we? Like when we were all shocked when Fiona found the cave with Ned in it, or when we cheered each other on during the horror challenge."
"Or when we solved the cocaine mystery,"
"Or mazes,"
"Right right! A lot of memories all around,"
Despite her energy however, apathy was still raining on me as I didn't say a word.
Melanie: And since it looks like Xavier's still not feeling well emotionally, we're just going to do a throwback to this dialogue format!
Paula: Sounds good to me.
Xavier: …
Fiona: >.< , ^7^
Melanie: Back to my idea of a different game we can play though, why don't we each share something about ourselves that would be surprising to everyone? One of our secrets so to speak. That will help us bond even more than before. For example, you guys know I'm good at knitting?!?!
Xavier: …
Paula:…
Fiona:… that's boring
Paula: Ehhhh I don't know. I'm pretty sure you all know I'm the fucking best at everything, nothing more to share.
Melanie: You guys know Paula picks grass type starters?
Fiona: Noob
Paula: What… no no that's not true. I prefer fire types.
Melanie: show us the save files!
Paula: …
Fiona: Casual
Xavier: **smirk**
Paula: alright you got me. They look the coolest okay! I don't see what's wrong with that.
Fiona: I don't like poutine.
Melanie: …
Xavier: …
Paula: I don't know what's real anymore.
Melanie: **wide grin** see isn't this relaxing? Now it's as if we know each other so much better than before. What about you Xavier?
Xavier: …
Melanie: **leans into Xavier's face** you've got to have some kind of secret too don't you?
Xavier: **blushing** I… I…
Melanie: Go on
Xavier: I… I…
Melanie: Go on
Xavier: I… wouldn't have actually jumped off the ship to save just anyone. I only did it for you because I thought you were cute and you would think I was cool!!!!
Paula: …
Fiona: …
Melanie: **blushing** …
Paula: …
Fiona: \(0o0)/
Paula: heh, you are pretty cute when you're flustered Melanie.
Melanie: ahem **stepping back** Good job yeah very good everyone haha. It's uhhh getting pretty late. That was fun sharing secrets with everyone! Better get some sleep if we want to pass the last two trials! We might have to do another physical challenge tomorrow haha haha.
Paula: Ughh… if it is a physical challenge then Xavier will have to carry your unconscious body again.
Melanie: Ohhhhh… is that what happens when I pass out? Haha haha.
Fiona: ^^
Melanie: Well anyways, I'm going back to my tent, good night everyone!
Paula: Good night
Fiona: (-_-) zzzzzzzzz
Xavier: **smirks** good night.
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The next day when we walked to the trial cave, Melanie tried her best to avoid eye contact with me, her face turning bright red when looking my direction. We walked slowly stopping many times with Melanie not wanting to faint again on the journey. Just as before, she carried her precious backpack on her back that had started this whole adventure. Finally, after about 3 hours of walking, we arrived at the usual spot of the cave to greet Ned.
"Alright let's do this Ned," Paula said pressing on the screen, "2 more trials left until I get that dragon!"
The cave wall in front of us however did not spread apart nor did we hear Ned's familiar voice speak back to us.
"Ehhhh what's going on Ned?" Paula asked, "It's been 2 days; don't tell me you haven't set up trial 9 yet."
"GRRRRRRRRRR…."
"Ned?"
"I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED HUMANS VERY DISAPPOINTED."
"What why?"
"WHAT WAS THAT MUSHY SHARE SECRET TIME YESTERDAY?"
"What… are you stalking us at night too?" Melanie asked.
"YES, THERE'S ACTUALLY A SPINOFF SHOW THAT COVERS YOUR DAY TO DAY LIVES 24/7 ON CHANNEL 205."
"Well that's just creepy."
"CREEPY OR NOT IT BRINGS RATINGS AND VIEWERSHIP… UNTIL YESTERDAY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SHARE THOSE SECRETS. IT GOES AGAINST YOUR ESTABLISHED CHARACTERIZATION OUR VIEWERS ARE USED TO."
"What? What does that even mean?" Melanie asked.
"LET'S START WITH YOU SO CALLED SURVIVAL EXTRAORDINAIRE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE QUIRKY RICH TUMBLR GIRL WHO'S ONLY INTO BL AND NATURE. WHERE THE HELL DID KNITTING COME FROM? THAT'S SOMETHING GRANDMAS DO AND IS EXTREMELY BORING."
"Hey! It's a fine hobby and takes a lot of skill!" Melanie responded, "And I did learn that from my Grandma thank you very much!"
"AND YOU FIONA, HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE POUTINE? THAT'S LIKE A STAPLE FOOD FOR CANADAIANS."
"It's aiight,"
"ALSO GRASS TYPES? REALLY PAULA? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WANT TO BE THE BEST AT EVERYTHING, THAT'S WHAT YOUR FANS WANT TO SEE. NO SERIOUS POKEMON PLAYER PICKS GRASS TYPES FIRST."
"I just think they look cool okay!"
"Yeah, why do we have to follow the exact character archetypes your audience wants us to be?" I asked, "We're real people with complexity you know!"
"BECAUSE," Ned said, "THAT'S WHAT THE VIEWERS WANT TO SEE AND THAT'S HOW WE MAINTAIN OUR RATINGS, ESPECIALLY YOU XAVIER. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE INCOMPETENT MC THAT JUST MAKES SILLY STRAIGHT MAN JOKES WHILE BEING WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT LINE YOU SAID TO MELANIE YESTERDAY? THAT WAS WAY OUT OF CHARACTER."
"I just want to say cheesy lines sometimes okay! What's wrong with that?"
"EVERYTHING ACCORDING TO OUR CHARTS," Ned said, "AROUND THE GALAXY FANS OF "SILLY HUMANS" ARE BURNING ALL THEIR MERCHANDISE OF YOU GUYS CLAIMING HOW THEIR HEAD CANON IS RUINED NOW AND THINGS LIKE THAT."
"Great… why is that our problem? It's not like you pay us."
"OH… BUT THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG XAVIER. IT MAY NOT BE YOUR PROBLEM NOW, BUT WE CAN MAKE IT YOUR PROBLEM…"
Suddenly, we felt the ground from under us begin to shake.
"What the… what's going on?"
Before we could run out of the cave, we looked outside and saw that the cave had been lifted off the ground into the air.
"How the hell…"
"SINCE WE ALREADY ADVERTISED THE LAST 2 TRIALS ON TELEVISION, WE CAN'T CANCEL THEM ANYMORE. SO, WE'RE GOING TO CHANGE THINGS UP TO MAINTAIN THE RATINGS A DIFFERENT WAY; BY INCREASING THE STAKES INSTEAD. IF YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO COMPLETE THESE LAST 2 TRIALS, AKA BRING THE RATINGS HIGH ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER SEASON, WE'LL BE FORCED TO PUSH YOU OFF THE LEDGE PLUNGING YOU TO YOUR DEATH."
"What!?!? You can't do that, this can't be legal."
"Remember those skeletons in the first cave?"
"Shit quick quick Paula call me dipshit call me dipshit!"
"Uhhh yeah Xavier, you're a dipshit!"
"MWHAHAHAHA AND WITH THAT LET THE 9TH TRIAL BEGIN."
The cave wall in front of us suddenly opened as we once again stepped inside the familiar tunnel to begin the penultimate trial.
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We walked to the end of the tunnel and arrived at the usual room with just a TV screen. On it displayed the text: "Fight Challenge."
"What… what does that even mean?"
"THIS CHALLENGE WAS SUBMITTED BY ONE OF OUR VIEWERS IN THE CARTWHEEL GALAXY. HE SAID IT WOULD BE COOL TO SEE YOU GUYS FIGHT RANDOM ANIMALS AND PEOPLE SO WE HAVE PREPARED 3 DIFFERENT THINGS FOR YOU TO FIGHT TODAY."
"…"
"…"
"I don't know if I have the stamina for this," Melanie said.
"OH REALLY, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE A REAL SURIVIVAL EXTRAORDINAIRE WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM HERE."
"Don't worry Melanie," Paula said, "I didn't spend those days on the streets for nothing. I can take on anything they throw at us."
"HERE'S THE FIRST ONE."
As he said that, a part of the back wall of the room suddenly spread apart forming a hole. Out from the hole popped a rather large clown with pasty skin and red hair.
"Hiya everyone!" it said, "you want a balloon animal?"
"Ahhhh except that except that!" Paula shrieked hiding behind Fiona.
"OUR VIEWERS FOUND YOUR GREATEST FEAR AMUSING FROM THE HAUNTED HOUSE CHALLENGE PAULA, SO WE HAVE BROUGHT BACK A CLOWN FOR YOU TO FIGHT."
Fiona sighed and went up to the clown.
"Hey there young lady, let me see a smile on your face!"
Fiona however, did not change her facial expression one bit. Casually, she gathered her step and rammed her shoulder into the clown knocking it back into the hole.
"That's called shoulder check."
"Woahhhhh nice one Fiona," Melanie said.
Fiona then simply walked back to Paula who had been cowering on the ground the whole time.
"I'm the real MVP."
"Yes praise thee Fiona!" Paula said kissing the ground at her feet.
"NOT BAD FIONA, NOT BAD. GET READY THOUGH BECAUSE HERE COMES THE NEXT FIGHTER."
As he finished his sentence, a small grey cat appeared out of the hole.
"Ahhhh it's so cute," Melanie said, "do we really have to fight it? I just want to pet it ins…"
Before she could finish her sentence however, Paula immediately went up to the cat and kicked it towards the side wall.
"Paula, why would you do that? We just had that lesson on protecting nature a few trials ago."
"No… don't be fooled Melanie," Paula said, "I've seen these things before. This is actually several rats wearing cat fur."
As she said that, suddenly 6 rats crawled out of the cat.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk," Melanie screeched hiding behind me.
"I told you already, I don't have anything on me that the cops would find suspicious!" Paula said individually stomping on every one of the rats with her bare feet.
"Ha, easy peasy."
"QUITE IMPRESSIVE PAULA, BUT NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO FACE THE TOUGHEST FIGHTER OF THEM ALL."
"Bring it on…" Melanie said, "We can take on…"
Before she could finish her thought however, Melanie suddenly fainted onto the ground.
"What!?!? How? You didn't even fight…"
"It's probably because she insisted on walking the whole way here herself," Paula said, "no time to wait for her to wake up, I hear the 3rd challenger approaching."
Before I could sit Melanie's body upright, in front of us out of the hole appeared a large ram with curved horns
"Oh that doesn't seem too bad," Paula said, "I bet I can wrestle that thing dow…"
She was interrupted however as the ram charged at her suddenly headbutting her into the side wall.
"Paula!"
"Owww… fuck that hurt," she said gathering herself. She seemed to have gotten injured pretty badly however and couldn't stand up properly.
"What is tha…" Fiona's began to ask pointing to the ram. Her question was interrupted however as the ram charged at her as well with full force knocking her against the opposite wall of the room.
"Fiona!" I said. I stared at the ram that now had its attention fully on me. The 2 other girls had been knocked out and Melanie lay unconscious next to my feet.
"Shit shit shit... what do I do?"
As the ram began charging towards me however, an idea suddenly popped into my mind.
"A ram may headbutt hard… but whose head survived a full force soccer ball kick?"
The ram began to come closer.
"And whose head survived a Frisbee to the forehead that didn't leave a single mark?"
The ram was now within 5 feet of me.
"Melanie's!!!!!!!" I shouted lifting the unconscious girl next to me and using her head to shield from the ram's horns. And as it turns out, the ram horns were no match for the survival extraordinaire's hard head as it flew backwards crashing on its side falling unconscious.
"Huh…" Melanie said waking up, "what happened, did we win?"
"CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE PASSED TRIAL 9"