Strange Feeling Again

Grey autumn leaves rustling underfoot through the way to the hostel. The way seems endless, we haven't talked since we met. There's so much I want to discuss, I just don't know where to start. A lot of time has passed since we genuinely talked to each other in real life and I don't know if something changed for her. That thought eats me from the inside. I want to ask so many things that I've been overthinking about all the time but I just can't set up my tongue to say a single word. We both remember what happened then, I can see it from her face. It seems calm but tense, her eyes pointing down at her shoes but she's ready to turn them at me at any moment. It's so weird to feel stressed to talk to a person with whom you were always comfortable to say any freaking thing that comes up in your mind. I want to scream 'why you have been avoiding me all the fucking time since that night' but i'm not sure if i want to hear the answer. She notices that I look at her and I lean my arms on her shoulders looking straight in her eyes. She smiled slightly and her cunning eyes glanced into mine. Then I hugged her so that her left ear was close enough to my mouth and I had an opportunity to speak quietly and be sure she could hear me.

Is everything ok?

I tried to set up my voice that she could understand what I'm talking about. I'm note sure if it worked out but she replied sprightly as she always did. 

Sure, everything's great. 

If you want me to describe what i felt when i came back to my city two months ago, i felt crazy scared to miss her. I felt down, disappointed, beaten, wasted, weak, used, mistaken, mad and awful. I started to feel sorrow about a month ago when I finally realized that she doesn't have an aspiration to maintain our communication, I just didn't know why. Why did you start ignoring my messages and leave it in ``delivered`` for hours and days or simply didn't text back.

 But back at the moment I wasn't thinking about that disappointing shit. I was sure that you had reasons to escape our talking. At the moment I felt satisfied with the fact that we even met - no matter how or where or do we speak with each other or not. I feel safe just standing next to her. For the last three weeks I thought that I would feel nothing that day when we will meet again and I will gaze at her for the first time after a long period but now I am confused. Should I say sorry or ask for her to apologize or just do nothing? Should I look at her warmly or don't look at all? Is there a single possibility that I won't say something wrong and this situation won't turn worse?

What do you feel about all of that?