47 The Duality of Man

(Actually cried writing this one. Good luck. Also, a question for you guys. What is your opinion on first-person? I personally think it feels better and just flows better. I'm asking because I'm nearing the completion of planning for a new novel that I want to write alongside this one and hopefully get contracted/published.)

"Focus...Focus on the light in the darkness. Focus on the joys in the pain. Focus on the strength in the weakness. Life's totality is duality. All bad ain't bad and some good will come with pain. The suffering comes from what we choose to focus on. Feel. Process. Release. And then... Focus." -Kierra C.T. Banks

-GE-

I had been in the cave for nearly 20 minutes now. Despite being unsure of how long I had left before the entrance froze over, I pushed forward. I could feel it. My destination grew ever closer.

It took mere seconds to arrive in another clearing. This one, however, was somehow even more majestic than the previous one. I couldn't even formulate words to describe it.

While there was no direct source of light, the entire room glowed from the sparkling ice it was composed of. This room… it didn't look natural. The form which the ice took resembled a crudely built Aztec pyramid with layers of ice reaching near the ceiling of the cave.

As soon as my eyes landed on the top of the pyramid of ice, I knew I had found it. Atop the pyramid were two icicles. One extended from the ceiling of the cavern while the other reached upwards from the pyramid's apex.

Within the intercept of the two icicles was a glimmering crystal which put the sparkling ice to shame. It felt as if the grace of God was shining through a blanket of clouds, signifying the light at the end of the tunnel which was an arduous journey.

I stepped into the room, excitement taking root within me. Unfortunately, this excitement would die down within mere seconds.

*Whoosh*

What I could only describe as a gust of wind roared through me. The unfathomable chill it brought was unlike anything I had felt before. It wasn't just in flesh, but in soul as well, that I turned frigid.

Shaking my head to snap myself out of the slight fear that creeped from the depths of my mind, I took my first step forward. Then I took the next, and then the next after that.

With barely a dozen steps completed, a voice called out from behind me that did more to freeze me through than any gust of wind ever could. "Ky?"

My entire body was a rigid plank of wood as I slowly turned towards the source of the voice. My suspicion held true as I laid my eyes upon her, my savior, my greatest loss, my fondest memory… my mother.

She was wearing the same sweater as when she had just saved me from plummeting to my death and had the same smile on her face. It was really her. Did my prayers get answered?

I shuddered from the cold as the tears I had so recently suppressed re-emerged. "Mom…"

Her smile seemed to only grow brighter, the radiance instantly melting the frigid cold that had encompassed me. I felt warm in a way that only the love of a mother could provide.

Sheepishly, I took a step towards her. With each subsequent step, another tear would escape my trembling eyes. Each one further blurred my faltering vision.

She held her arms out, welcoming me in. "Come here, sweetie."

Those words, just the three of them, were all it took for any hesitation I had to melt away and add onto the tears already running down my cheeks. My steps grew faster as I rushed towards my mother's embrace.

Like two stars colliding, I felt an explosion of comfort and warmth. The tsunami of emotions crashed upon me, destroying my stability.

I nearly lost my ability to stand as my mother gripped me tighter, preventing me from falling to the ground. "How?"

It was all I could get out between the sounds of weeping that broke through my face. I had so much I wanted to ask but I found myself unable. The emotions were too much. I didn't even know where to start.

I felt her hand shift up and ruffle my hair. "I like your hair long. It suits you."

There were no words I could even say to her right now. I wasn't capable of uttering them even if those words existed. No matter how I urged, my mouth wouldn't move. My lips only trembled.

Her hand suddenly stopped moving within my locks of hair as she put a few inches between us. I looked up at her, allowing the blurry sight of her face to enter my vision. "There isn't much time."

My eyes widened as some of the tears lodged in my eyelids escaped down the curve of my cheeks. "What? Why?"

These two words, bringing the total count of what I was able to get out to three words, caused a lump to form in my throat. I felt like I was suffocating as my throat felt like it was closing.

Her hand left the back of my head and she wiped the tears from my face with her index finger. "I can't explain now… not for a long time. Just promise me that you'll be ready."

I shook my head, pushing her away from me but still remaining with my hands in hers. "Ready for what? Mom, pelase, I don't know what you're talking about."

I started to become frantic, my emotions exploding. Pain, loss, dread, anger, fear, confusion, happiness, regret, sorrow. My entire being phased between these feelings as the storm that was my mind raged uncontested.

She sighed, looking at me with great worry in her eyes. "Ky, it won't be long now. Work hard now. It will pay off later."

I didn't even know why, but I nodded at these words. I looked straight into her eyes and spoke with a trembling voice that expressed instability and pain. "Mom, before you go…"

She looked at me, placing her fingers under my chin, caressing my face with an unfathomably gentle care. "What is it, ky?"

*Hicc*

Amongst my crying, a breath surged out and caused me to hiccup. I sucked in another breath of the air that was still comfortably warm. "I love you."

Hearing this, the brightest smile that I had ever seen on her formed. She pulled me into her embrace once more, holding me tight as if afraid to let go.

With my eyes closed, I had no idea how but suddenly, I was hugging nothing. Slowly opening my eyes, I became aware of what happened. She was gone.

I looked to my left. "Mom?"

There was nothing. To my right? Nothing. The rains of spring descended from my eyes. I did so as well, falling to my knees.

The tears pierced through my eyelids, pressed shut in an attempt to contain the hurricane of emotions. "Mom…"

All I could see through the flaps of skin covering my eyes was her face. Her radiant smile, those gentle eyes that broke through my shell, her warm and welcoming expression. Those treasures I so coveted… they were gone again with the wind.

My mind wandered, suddenly shifting in a different direction. This torment, this repeated reminder of my late mother, what purpose did it have? My dreams of her had stopped mere months after she died. It was only after playing this wretched game that they returned.

The entirety of my body tensed as I saw red. My entire being became a raging storm of anger. The hurricane that was my mind was dyed red with blood. Pain, suffering, remorse, none of it was present. There was only one thing; rage.

Suddenly, the tension released. "WHY?!"

*CCCRRRAACKKK*

The entire cavern of ice shattered in an instant. Air filled with shards of ice dominated the room as a tangible gale of wind formed. Any remaining ice was pelted with the shards, wearing it down until nothing was left.

Power. This feeling… it fed off of my anger. It was unbridled, unfathomable, undeniable, undefeatable.

My eyes shot open as the tears continued to roll down my face. I felt as if I was seeing the world in a different light. It was cold. So cold. The color appeared to drain out of everything as the rage within my untempered soul fed into the force, its power flowing through me and laying waste to what used to be a majestic paradise of ice.

My right arm shot up, reaching out to the side. This crystal was mine. I would have it NOW.

*PSHH*

A sound similar to glass shattering rang out as the two icicles holding MY kyber crystal turned to dust, releasing my to be prized possession. Much like the coin, the crystal launched across the room at speeds nearing sublight transports.

*Pft*

The sharp pain of the crystal cutting into the palm of my hand shot up my arm, causing me to flinch slightly. I glanced over at the crystal, only making two observations before retreating behind my curtain of rage.

Firstly, it was larger than I expected. I was even able to see a bit of my reflection in it. Although faded by the gentle glow that the crystal gave off, I was still able to make out the piercing yellow eyes that stared back at me. If I was in my right mind, I would be freaking out. However, this was something that I couldn't care less about at this moment.

The other observation I had made was that the crystal was glowing with a bright and vibrant blue. It emanated a warmth that appeared as an oil lantern in the dark dungeon that was my emotions.

In my rage, I scoffed. "Disgusting."

*Skshh*

The sound of my blood squirting accompanied the closing of my fist. With an iron grip on the crystal, I let the rage I was feeling flow through me. It felt like I had opened the dams that held back an ocean as the pressure dissipated, snuffing out the light in the darkness of my fist.

I reveled in this feeling. It felt as if my rage, my power, was creating something greater as it destroyed and battered the warmth of this blue crystal. So this is the process of bleeding? I guess those red lightsabers really did suit me.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. My head snapped to my right, but no one was there. Oddly, I felt an intense warmth that was incredibly strong. It was pushing back the coldness that surrounded me and began to penetrate my very being.

Then, I wasn't sure how, but the warmth spoke to me in a voice that was all too familiar. "I love you too, Ky."

The torrent of rage within me froze in that instant, replaced by hope… hope of a better day. Hope that one day I will see my mother again. Her words echoed within my head. "Ky, it won't be long now."

With these words in my mind, the warmth exploded in an attempt to combat the cold. These two sides of the force waged war within my body without leaving a trace other than my emotions.

This burst of warmth that slightly dissipated the cold brought clarity to my vision as the tears stopped flowing. Looking around me, I was astounded.

I was currently in the eye of what I could only describe as a frozen tornado. Extreme winds carried chunks of ice in a spiral around my body as I knelt in its midst.

Looking towards my right hand, I took a deep breath. In, hold, out, hold. Nothing around me mattered at this time. In fact, nothing mattered barring one thing. All that mattered was the force.

I slowly opened my clenched fist. Within the bloodied palm of my hand was my kyber crystal. It was soaked in blood, its glow barely visible. However, my eyes widened at what I was able to see through the blood.

Alongside the glow of blue that I had seen earlier, there were blood red strands that dyed the aura with darkness and pain. Gradually, the red faded into the blue, darkening it slightly until it took on a hue of both colors. This led to the two colors perfectly melding in harmony, creating a new glow that was much more vibrant than the blue of old.

It was then that I came to the most important realization of my life. There was no good, no evil. No heroes, no villains. No warmth, no cold. No light, no dark. There was only the force.