stalemate 005.5

<< keita >>

THE NIGHT WAS UNUSUALLY CHILLY, but it's tolerable. I watched Youjin as he walked –his body shivering, his ears and nose were bright red from the cold. I am wondering why he wasn't wearing a cardigan when he always— always – wears it.

"Youjin, are you okay?" I took a step closer to see Youjin's face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit cold."

I clenched my fists inside my jacket pockets – they're a little warm, as I stared at his face. "It's really cold tonight. Look at your nose, it's bright red."

"Really?" He consciously touched his nose.

"You're not just 'a bit' cold. Liar!" I blurted out. This guy…

He suddenly started laughing. "You got me. I easily get cold but I'm fine. Really."

His forced smile – with his pale lips as they quietly shiver – made me feel uneasy. I felt a sudden urge inside of me of something I know I'm not supposed to feel. I tried to fight it. So bad. I clenched my fists tighter, trying hard to hold back. Maybe it could help. But it didn't.

I pulled my right hand out from my jacket's pocket and reached out for Youjin's face. I could see that he was caught off guard by my sudden action, even myself doesn't really understand why I am doing this either. All I know is that I wanted to touch him so bad. And if I won't do it now, I probably won't be able to do it again.

I lightly brushed my fingers across his cheeks. But even from that light touch I could feel his cold skin. This is not enough.

I want to hold his hands.

And him in my arms…

This sounds crazy.

I'm a guy the same as Youjin, it isn't normal for me to feel this way. It isn't normal for a guy to crave to touch his guy friend.

I took my hand off his face then I reached for his hand instead.

His eyes widened. I was preparing myself for him to take it from my soft grasp. I was waiting for him to get furious or yell at me or ask me why I'm doing this. But I'm scared because I don't know what to answer. I helplessly prayed he wouldn't ask and he would let me hold him.

But all my thoughts flew off when I felt Youjin entwined his fingers with mine. He couldn't meet my eyes and his cheeks seemed to be redder than before. I am too but more than that I am overwhelmed by this indescribable state of euphoria I am in right at this very moment.

I chuckled to hide my embarrassment. "Man, you're freezing." He just smiled at me with his ever gentle and sweet smile.

I squeezed his hand gently and it made me smile when he gently squeezed my hand too.

***

EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT, MY HANDS WOULD NATURALLY REACH TO YOUJIN EVERY TIME HE'S CLOSE TO ME. I would always – always – find a way just so I could hold his hand, even hiding it from our friends. Until days… weeks passed and this feeling grew wanting more…

And I'm starting to question myself more.

Why?

Why do I want to touch Youjin so badly?

Why do I even feel this way?

I stepped on the point of no return the night Youjin and I slept over at Eisuke's apartment. Youjin and I were both a bit drunk and we were lying next to each other. It was dark in the room and I could feel Youjin's warmth. I got up to look at Youjin, his eyes were closed and he looked like he's about to fall asleep. Then my eyes traced down stopping on his lips.

Why am I noticing this just now? He got lips one would love to kiss.

I brought my hand to gently touch his face, it made him open his eyes in surprise. Seeing him looking back at me made my chest twitch.

I wonder what it feels like to kiss him? I want to kiss him…

But, what will happen after I do that?

I leaned closer, our noses almost touching, we could smell each other's breath. Youjin's face shows the expression as if he has a clue what I wanna do next.

"Please. Don't Ask." I said.

The moment our lips touched all my thoughts vanished. In that instant, I totally lost control of myself. It started with a shy gentle kiss. I felt relieved that he's returning my kiss. Then it didn't feel enough that I began kissing him deeper, hungrier.

His lips, his tongue, his kiss… his body… I want to own everything about him.

Then I found my hand underneath his shirt, rubbing all over his chest. They're nothing close to a woman's but I can't stop myself. This made him moan against my mouth. And before I knew it, I already had a hard on. I felt Youjin touch my crotch and it brought me back to reality.

I pulled myself away from Youjin and from that short distance between us, despite the darkness, I saw disappointment plastered on his face. There's nothing I could do but to look away. I'm scared he'll ask why I'm doing this to him. I don't have any answer for that… yet.

"I'll take care of this." I said as I ran to the bathroom.