stalemate 004

"YOU'VE NEVER GOTTEN ANGRY TO THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY HURT YOU. THAT'S HOW I KNEW."

Eisuke knows me very well I wanted to laugh. After comforting me yesterday, we proceed with our project. My mind was somewhere but Eisuke never forced me to focus on the project. He just let me mourn my lost love. I didn't cry yesterday. Because somehow I knew this, whatever Keita and I have, will end eventually. I just wasn't expecting it to be this soon. Hell, I wasn't even expecting it to begin in the first place.

The whole night, I didn't hear anything from Keita. I wondered if he would even bother to apologize to me. Will he explain everything to me? Why did he do those things? Do I even deserve an explanation? An apology?

It was my fault for not asking when it started. It was my fault for letting him touch me. It was my fault for being greedy.

We'll be back to normal. I'll be fine if we can go back to being normal friends.

***

"YOUJIN!"

I turned on my back and saw Keita running towards me. I stopped to wait for him. He halted in front of me, chasing his breath.

"What is it, Keita?"

"Uhm..." I studied his face and he looks uncomfortable. "Are you busy after class?"

"Why?" Good job Youjin for keeping your cool.

"I got a new movie from Misao... Do you wanna watch it together"

He's still inviting me? We're still friends?

"Youjin!" Another familiar voice called. Eisuke walked towards us and stopped beside me, eyeing Keita. "What's happening here?"

"Ah, Keita's inviting me to hang out later..." I answered.

"Ah, R-Right. Wanna join us, Eisuke?" Kieta keeps fidgeting and playing with the hem of his shirt, averting his eyes from Eisuke.

Eisuke had been looking at Keita like he wanted a fight with him. I don't know how to convince Eisuke not to get too worked up over this matter. He's always been protective of me and he's the only person I can rely on when I'm down and heartbroken.

"We're free later. But—" Eisuke placed his arm over my shoulders. "We're hanging out at my place..."

"Eisuke?"

"Maybe next time, Keita-kun." Eisuke said in a mocking tone as he dragged me away.

---

"Were you really planning to hang out with that bastard?" Eisuke asked as soon as we got away from Keita.

"We're still friends?" I wanted to sound sure but it turned out more as a question. Should I be glad he treats me like he always does? But it just means he doesn't care what I feel about yesterday's events. Maybe it wasn't my business to begin with.

"Friends? That guy's shamelessly fucking you over Youjin, would you even call that a friend?! You don't have to keep up with his shenanigans just because you like him. You're smarter than this, Youjin!"

I know, he's right. And I know the best thing to do is to disappear from him and end whatever thing we have between us. That's the right thing to do. But my stubborn self doesn't want to. Just from thinking that I won't be able to talk to him, laugh with him, or even stand by his side anymore makes me want to cry. This is too painful but I can't let go. I'm fine even with being normal friends.

Normal friends…

"Eisuke... I'm not yet ready to lose him. Let me stay by his side... as a normal friend." I feel my eyes welling up. Eisuke is looking at me with hurtful eyes.

"Normal friends, huh?" He looks unconvinced. Obviously, he would be.

I nodded. "He won't do that again, I'm sure… Besides, he's back with his girlfriend. And if ever he'll try something again, I promise, I will avoid him for real. "

He sighed in defeat. "...If he does that again, he will get a taste of my punch. And I swear, I won't be content with just one."

I chuckled. "Yes. Yes. Thank you Eisuke."

***

ONE WEEK HAD PAST, KEITA AND I WERE BACK TO BEING 'JUST' FRIENDS. We still hang out with everyone, eat together, joke around but Keita never once attempted to touch me. It feels like what we did before were just part of my dreams and never did they happen for real. I'm relieved but still, it's painful.

Sometimes I want him to touch me so badly and every time, I always end up jerking off with the thoughts of him and the memories of those times. No matter how hard I convince myself that those were just part of my dreams, he already marked my body with all his touches and kisses. It's hard to forget. I don't think I will forget it anytime soon.

"Hey."

I glanced up and saw Misao standing in front of me.

"Hey. You're alone?" I said closing the book I was reading.

"Yeah. Keita and the others are in the cafeteria." His serious expression never changes.

"I see..."

"There's actually something I wanted to talk about with you."

"Uhm, about?" A strange feeling suddenly rushed into me.

He paused for a brief moment. His strong eyes boring into me, seeing right through all my facades. "I know what you and Keita were doing."

I felt my body stiffened. "W-What do you mean?"

"I happened to see you two kissing and you know... stuffs."

The world suddenly stopped. I can feel my stomach twisted in knots. I gripped the book tighter, crumpling its sides. "That was..."

"But you two were not in a relationship... I know that much. Keita is straight. He had girlfriends, he even has a girl now. I never once saw him do those things to a guy before or even noticed him taking interest in a guy, that's why I was dumbfounded when I saw him taking the initiative to touch you. But you... you're gay, right?"

Of all people, it has to be Misao who noticed. I wanted to laugh. "Yeah."

"Do you like Keita?"

I looked straight into his eyes then gave him a small painful smile. "I think, I do."

The corners of Misao's lips curved up into a smile, which caught me by surprise, then lifted his hand to pat my head. It's comforting, his hand was comforting. I realized how heavy this feeling I'm bearing.

***

"Youjin?"

I took a glance beside me only to see Keita smiling. I've been here in the library for a while trying to find books I could use for my report for next week. I'm looking over the shelves at the back of the room, that's why I was more than surprised to see Keita wandering here too.

"I'm looking for books I can use as reference." I said casually as he walked towards me. He stopped beside me scanning the books lined up on the shelves in front of him.

"Uhm... I see."

"How 'bout you? Also looking for a book?" I am starting to be nervous. The library is unusually empty today and it's been a while since Keita and I were alone together. Plus he's so close, I could smell his usual cologne.

He pulled one book and scanned its cover. "Hmm... Yeah, I'm looking for something. But it's not a book." He said in a straight face.

"W-What is it?" I took one step back.

His eyes left the book and they found mine. He took a step closer. He leaned towards me and stared at me intensely.

"Youjin..."

Next thing I knew, he had his lips pressed against mine. I was too shocked to respond immediately. I felt his thumb touch my chin grazing my lower lip and gently pulled it to open for him. He slipped his tongue slowly touching my numb one. I have to fight so hard not to return his kiss but it's hard when my body has been longing for this.

Why? Why is he doing this again? Did they break up again?

Why? I want to know.

I felt like my heart was stabbed by the train of thoughts running in my mind. With all my might, I broke away from the kiss and pushed him away from me. He was looking at me with eyes wide open as if he couldn't believe what I just did.

Why? Is it because I would always let him do whatever he wanted to do even though I have no idea why he would do those misleading things – kissing and touching me?

But more than my desire for his touch, at the back of my mind, I want him to return my feelings. I want him to love me. But I know that's something not possible to happen. I know fully well but still, I can't have his unlabelled feelings. I want to know what I am to him. And what he wants us to be. It doesn't matter if he tells me he only wanted us to be friends. It's much better than nothing. But please, at least act as normal friends do.

I ran as quickly as I could away from him. I can't look at him anymore without bursting with my feelings. I sprinted out of the library, as fast as I could. Along the corridor, down the stairs, past the empty rooms. My chest was hurting with every step I took.

"Youjin!"

I glanced behind me and saw Keita chasing after me.

Why? Why are you chasing me? What am I to you?

Tears flooded my eyes and I can't fight it anymore. Soon my face was wet from my own tears. My steps became heavier, the corridor seemed endless. I'm tired from running. I stopped and chased my breath.

Not long after, someone grabbed my hand. "Youjin! Why are you running?"

Keita stepped in front of me and lifted my chin to face him. His eyes widen with the sight of my embarrassing self. My tears won't stop from escaping my eyes. I wiped them away again and again to no avail. I was blubbering like an abandoned kid.

Keita led me to an empty room near us. He wiped my tears in panic but doing that hurts me even more.

"Youjin..." He pleaded.

"Why?" I said with my voice cracking with every sob. "Why Keita? Why are you doing this? What exactly am I to you?"

He froze for a moment with a horrified expression on his face. "I..." He dropped his head as he let go of my hands.

"What Keita? Do you like me?"

He glanced up to look at me. I was dumbfounded when I saw the expression on his face— brows drawn together, eyes welling in tears, and his slightly opened lips were shaking.

"I'm sorry... I don't know..."

"Y-You don't know? You kissed and touched a guy and yet you don't know?! What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know why I'm doing this...I just can't help myself… Sorry, Youjin."

This is pathetic! I am pathetic. He didn't know why he did those things to me?

chapter 4 / end