1 In the Darkness

All was black. I could not see in the darkness.

"Well duh, birdbrain. State the obvious, why don't you? What did you expect to see with your eyes closed? Light?"

Trying but failing to focus, the corners of my mouth twitched from the annoying comment. I gritted my teeth together from my growing irritability and grinded them against each other.

"Stop that! It's bad for our teeth! You're ruining them! If you're hangry go eat something!"

There goes the sarcastic voice in my head, once again ridiculing my every action. I could not hide any of my thoughts from him. He heard all that I heard and saw all that I saw. How bothersome.

"Why are you blaming me?! You think I'd want to hear your lame thoughts!? You think I want to see you do your business everyday?! I'm the victim here!"

Ok. That's it. I snapped. I unleashed my fury at me Number Two and started yelling.

"What?! You want me to hold it in?! One of us has to do it! It's your poop and pee too! And lame?! Can't you see I'm trying to set the scene to my story, Number Two?! Why can't you just shut up and be quiet for a change?!"

"No! I won't! You're the one full of crap! Not me!!"

"Oh how convenient for you, Number Two! You're the fatty that's always wanting to eat. Since I'm full of crap from all your snacking and eating, you don't get to eat anymore!"

"No! That's not what I meant! That's not fair! It's mine too! You can't limit me eating what's mine too!"

"Then stop complaining and shut up!"

A momentary respite from the annoying voice in my head gave me temporary peace. A lovely woman's voice played out from the darkness ahead of me. Focused, I listened closely, diligently following the instructions from the woman's recorded voice.

"Slowly breathe in through your nose. Feel the soft subtle movements of air pulled into your being. Remember the feeling of drawing in air into your lungs. Use that feeling to connect further and deeper to the ambient energy of the universe."

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

The corners of my eyes twitched as I was irked from the never ending distracting noises. I had barely started to grasp the poor explanation of what the lady was talking about, only to be stopped half way by those stupid noises.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

I could feel my blood pressure rising as my heart beated loudly in my chest. Still, I tried to refocus on the recorded woman's voice. The audio crystal, given to me by a drunk disciple of the Cherry Blossom Sect, played out its recorded technique in my tiny room.

"Given? Liar! You stole all his stuff! Poor unconscious fool had to run into you! You even took his underwear! You left the drunkard butt naked! And it's not the Cherry Blossom Sect, you fool! It's the Sword Blossom Sect!"

"Ugh! You're so loud, Number Two! Can't you tell I'm trying to concentrate! Cherry. Sword. Same thing! Besides, that cultivator can find his clothes at the shop down the street. They helped him wash it so he'll have to buy them back."

"Have you no shame, Number One?!" You sold off his clothes! Even his underwear! And there is a major difference! Swords are weapons! Cherries you eat! How are they even the same?!"

"Says the shameless one who spends the money I earned all on food! I can't even use the bathroom without being at fault! Besides! That wealthy cultivator wouldn't even feel the difference from his money satchel over some lost clothes."

"You took everything! Especially the money satchel!"

"And it still wasn't enough for us! I would have sold him too if I could! Look at us! Scrawny and malnourished. This is no way to live, Number Two."

"…" Number Two was speechless. He knew I was right. I only permanently borrowed some stuff. I gave back his other stuff to the shop.

Anyway, as I was saying. The audio crystal gifted to me by a large, passed-out, nude and very average, disciple of the SWORD BLOSSOM SECT played in my tiny room.

"Ugh! I'm not bickering with you any longer, Number One."

Ignoring me Number Two, my eyes were closed as I followed directions from the audio and tried to breathe in the calm and soothing energy from the universe. However!

I clenched my teeth as I said, "HOWEVERRRR!!"

"Yea, I get it. You're annoyed."

Yet again, ignoring me Number Two. The edges of my thick and lush eyebrows twitched from my erupting feelings of annoyance.

"The hell?! Ha! You wish! Thin brows! Hahaha!"

"That means you have them too, stupid Number Two! How would anyone know if we had thin eyebrows if you didn't just tell the world! Gosh! And can't you see I'm trying to tell a story! You're always interrupting me!"

"You're the dumbass Number One! There's nothing wrong with having thin eyebrows. I prefer them."

"Fine then! Our thin eyebrows will only be your eyebrows from now on! I'm no longer claiming them!"

"Whatever dummy. Just continue with your damn lies."

"Ugh. Why does it have to be so difficult to tell a story? Ok. Where was I again?"

"Eyebrows."

"Oh yes!"

The full edges of my lush thick bushy eyebrows, NOT those THIN EYEBROWS of NUMBER TWO, twitched from the annoying sounds outside my window. The laughing kids going, "ha, ha, ha," and, "he, he, he," made my…

"Psht! Bwahahaha!"

"What now?!"

"Nothing."

"I got my eyes on you. No. Wait I can't see you, Number Two. I got my ears listening to you."

"…"

The creases of my elastic forehead folded into deep wrinkles at the annoying sounds coming through my curtainless window. The festive banging on drums and clambering of bells and metal bronze discs broke my concentration. I rubbed my temples from the oncoming headache of the obnoxiously loud parade, celebrating the coming of the Son of Heaven, Goku.

"For your information, Number One. The almighty Son of Heaven is not called 'Goku.' He is called Gonk."

"What the? That can't be? Goku sounds way better. Who the hell names their kid Gonk? That rhymes with bonk, conk, and honk. Poor kid must have been bullied growing up."

"You're no better, Pilaf."

"I told you I no longer go by that name! My name is now Hunter! Those damn slum brats can no longer make fun of me! Hunter! Hunter the Great! The almighty! As mighty as the Son of Heaven!"

"Keep dreaming Pilaf."

"Well, you're Pilaf Number Two, so shush."

Continuing. I thought to myself, "Like seriously, can't they see that I'm trying to focus here?"

"No dummy, they can't. We're on the second floor of this shabby run-down, god-forsaken, shantytown shack-of-a-house."

"That was a rhetorical question, Number Two."

Completely annoyed now from constantly being interrupted, I stomped my way over to the window.

CRACK!!!

"Oh shit! I think I broke one of the crickety floorboards!

"Careful, dumb Number One! We don't have any money to repair anything right now! That landlord bastard is going to over charge us again!"

I was really mad now. Because of those clamoring headless chickens, all happy and enjoying the fun and tasting yummy snacks and checking out the babes and…

"Stop ranting."

"Fine."

Not only did the festive sounds of the celebration break my focus, it caused me to break the damn old floor too! I was about to scream at the crowds and tell them to shut up and be quiet, but I didn't.

"Guess! Guess what stopped me, Number Two!"

"…you know I see everything you see, right?"

"Then what is it! Since you're such a know-it-all!"

"Just continue."

I stared through the open window, mesmerized by a luxurious palanquin! I wondered how much I could sell it for.

"Bet you didn't expect that!"

"Who cares about the palanquin you don't even own?! You didn't even shut the window! No wonder it was so noisy! You Idiot!"

I did not hear the nagging voice of Number Two. I was completely taken by the beautiful craftsmanship of the palanquin. My eyes especially lit from the ornate and shimmering colorful jewels. They beckoned me.

"You did hear me! You just called me naggy! And you're avoiding the issue! You didn't even shut the window!"

My boiling anger was ready to burst. I wanted to direct part of that erupting shout at Number Two. He called me an idiot! The smart and intelligent, me! However, I forgave Number Two because I was an immaculate and forgiving being.

"You? Forgiving? What do you want Number One? You're scheming something."

"Let's go check out the festival and join in on the fun, Number Two! We got to live a little!"

"I know you're up to something no good, Number One."

"Fine. We don't have to eat those juicy caramelized skewers of fragrant meat, slowly roasting over the charcoal. I was in the mood to do some more, "breathing in the universe," anyway."

"No! Let's go get those meat skewers!"

"He. He. He." I chuckled in a mischievous voice. "You know Number Two? Those skewers will be very scrumptious, but just skewers alone wouldn't fill us up. We need something more, and I have the perfect thing that would fill us both up."

"Yey! More! Hurray!"

"Indeed. Number Two. Indeed. He. He. He."

Noticing the crowd of people moving as they followed the palanquin, I needed to hurry. The festivities may be over soon. I ran around my small room and put away all I had in my name. I threw my favorite blankie and my gifted audio crystal into my gifted ring of holding.

I madly dashed out of the door. In a hurry, I bumped into the door frame, breaking off a chuck of the cheap wood.

"Damn it Number One! Why are you in such a rush! Stop being so clumsy! We're going to be in so much debt!"

I ignored Number Two like usual as I already broke the door too.

"Oh my gods! You broke the door too?! Stop breaking stuff!"

Locking my broken door, I dashed down the stairs and almost tripped and stumbled.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Ka-plunk.

"Ow! What the hell Number One! At this rate we might not even make it to the food stalls! You're going to cripple us first! Switch with me!"

"I got it, Number Two. I know what I'm doing. Everyone is starting to leave. You won't get your skewers if we don't hurry."

"Go then! What the hell are you waiting for! Move!"

I quickly got out of the run-down building still feeling ticked-off by Number Two's bi-polar changes in attitude. So from now on, I'm going to do that too!

From now on, I'm no longer a poor malnourished guy from the slums! I am a handsome god from the slums! Still, my eyes were on the prize, I needed some skewers first.

I made it past the open section of the walls dividing the slums from the city. The festive sounds were gradually moving away, leaving only a mess of trash thrown on the cobblestone streets. Following the trail of debris, I found my target not too far on an open corner of an intersection. Sprinting with all my might to the food stall, I worried I didn't have enough time to catch the palanquin.

"Palanquin? What's going on? Weren't we getting skewers? "

"We're getting skewers, and then we're going to go watch the parade! It'll make it more fun while we chow down."

"Oh! That's a good idea! I wanted to see the Son of Heaven too!"

I quickly approached the stall underneath its colorful banners rippling in the wind.

"Five skewers old man! How much?!" The greasy man looked at my god-like appearance, bedazzled.

"God-like? Bedazzled? By you? Hahaha!" Dumb Number Two belted out a loud quacking laugh in my head. "I don't quack, liar! And the man's frowning at you! Be nice! I don't want to eat spit!"

"Fair point," I thought to myself, replying to my unappreciative other half. Ok, maybe the man wasn't so bedazzled, but he was jealous instead.

"Dirty slum dweller! Can you even afford 5 skewers! Shoo!" His rude reply was unnecessary and reeked of his envy of my greatness.

This man was pretty daring, angering me, the rival of the Son of Heaven. Though had it been before I met my drankard benefactor, he would have been correct. However! Not today!

"You dare underestimate me! The rival of the Son of Heaven?! Let me show you how wrong you are, old man! See this!"

I gallanty displayed a show of my magic trick. With nothing in my hand, and nothing in my pocket, I put my hand into my pocket. I took out the shimmering coins from my ring of holding and shoved it in the man's face! Ta-da! The man was most definitely impressed.

"You're short another 5 bronze coins."

"That's expensive! 19 bronze coins for 5 skewers?! What is it? Meat of a demonic beast?!"

"See, you poor peasant! If you can't afford it, leave!"

This old man was jealous, and because of his envy, he definitely charged me more. But I was an immaculate and forgiving heavenly being. I gave him his extra 5 bronze coins, and took my skewers while I told him my thoughts with grace.

"I'm never coming back! What a total rip off! You're completely taking advantage of the celebration and price gouging!"

"Screw you! Give me back those skewers! I'm not selling them to you! I will give back your damn coins!"

Number Two shouted inside my mind, and reflexively I covered my ears. "Don't you dare refund a single skewer, Number One!!!"

Damn food-crazed Number Two, he was unreasonable when it came to eating. Either way, I wasn't going to give back my skewers. What kind of god would I be if I returned them?

"No take backs, old man! You're lucky I don't have time today! Else, I'd take you on!"

The greedy food seller wasted too much of my time already. I dashed away, ignoring the fist-waving and swearing man behind me. He was truly petty and jealous of my greatness. I won't hold it against him though, as you know, I'm a forgiving heavenly being.

Following the trail of trash, I was in luck. Even the Son of Heaven had to give me face. He waited for me before he went into the grounds of the Cherry, I mean, Sword Blossom Sect.

"Let's eat Number One! Now we can see and enjoy the parade while eating!"

Seeing how Number Two returned to normal. I stopped acting like a god. I obliged Number Two's request.

With my dominant hand, I grabbed and bit down on the small block of meat on the bamboo skewer. I chewed and chewed on the deceitful-looking piece of juicy meat. It looked appetizing, but it was plain and tough like the grass inside the mouth of a slowly chewing cow.

"What are you talking about, Number One?! It's so yummy!"

Number Two always had an appetite. He would probably enjoy a cardboard cut-out, calling it crunchy. Still, I chewed away for Number Two's enjoyment. Though popcorn would have been more appropriate, as I watched the scene before me.

"Oh! Why don't we get some popcorn?! That sounds really good right now!"

I hushed Number Two. "Shhh. Not now. Look."

The manic shrill cries of infatuation resounded in the area. I pitied the troubled faces of the guards, who blocked the surrounding mob of revealing women.

"GONK! OH MY GOD IT'S GONK!"

"I LOVE YOU GONK!"

"GONK! I WANT YOUR BABIES!"

"HE LOOKED AT ME! OH MY GODS, HE LOOKED AT ME!"

Wow. I looked at the crazy fans of the Son of Heaven. I wondered how to get closer. Looking at the palanquin, decked out in shiny jewels, a brilliant idea came on in my head.

Running into the crowd, I joined their frenzy. With my deep manly and sexy voice, I played along and expressed my love with my fellow sisters.

I took a deep breath and bellowed out, "GOOOOOONNK!!! I WANT YOUR BABIES!"