1 Season 1 Ep 1-5
Space Force United Promo Special:
(Carl, Hunk, and Toby)
*Scene opens up to Carl, Hunk, and Toby in Orbit*
Carl: Okay, so according to command we are going to Nessus, for what exactly, no one fucking knows
Hunk: Pretty sure they said we were going to pick up a special package
Toby: We are in space
Carl: Thanks for the update jack ass...anyways oh right the "package" they have to be so cryptic, just tell us you've got nothing for us to do instead of sending us on your postal runs.....
Hunk: Better than sweeping rocks....or the rain...no matter how many times you sweep it up, it's still there
Carl: You don't say....
Toby: I see a planet...OH! I see another planet....
Carl: Toby, focus, we're heading down into hostile territory....I need you to not act like yourself during the duration of this mission
Toby: You ask too much of me
Carl: I realize this....
Hunk: Just have him stay with the ships
Carl: You know how bad of an idea that is....
Hunk: Ugh....can we get this over with...
*Team begins flying towards Nessus*
Toby: Let's play a game
Hunk: No....
Toby: Let's play I Spy
Carl: Jesus....Toby, focus on flying you ass hat
Toby: I spy with my little eye...something bright....
Carl: A star....
Toby: *gasps* how did you know? Are you cheating?
Hunk: Dumbass there's nothing but stars around us
Toby: I spy with my little eye...something shiny....
Hunk: I wouldn't complain if you shot me down....like seriously it'd be a blessing
Carl: It's a star...and before you say anything else....the next one is a fucking star
Toby: you are too good at this game, I need to figure out another one....MARCO
Carl: Polo...I don't want to play that
Hunk: Are we fucking there yet?!
Carl: YES!
Hunk: Oh thank god.....
*Scene shows team approaching Nessus*
Toby: I spy something big and round
Hunk and Carl: TOBY!
Space Force United EP1
(Carl, Hunk, Random Guardians, Dean, Cass, Toby)
Carl: You have got to be fucking kidding me....
Hunk: Yeah.....
Carl: One job....YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB!
Hunk: I was occupied....
Carl: With what?! What was so important?!
Hunk: Well that regional chest wasn't going to loot itself
Carl: Christ....
Random Guardian: THATS TRAVELER YOU UNCULTURED ASSHOLE!
Carl: *switches to rocket launcher and shoots Guardian*
Hunk: Feel better now?
Carl: No asshole, how the hell do you lose a whole person?!
Hunk: Listen, we both know that Toby couldn't have gone far, I mean shit he still thinks that Mara Sov is sending him messages on Tinder....
Carl: Yeah he's not very bright, my point exactly...and you really need to stop doing that...it's creepy....
Hunk: Ha...no....but relax ...what's the worst that can happen
*Camera pans to cave infested with Vex surrounding Toby*
Toby: ...This is definitely not where I parked my sparrow.....
1 Hour Earlier
*Vex shooting at Carl, Hunk, and Toby*
Carl: Damnit, these transformer rejects don't give up do they
Hunk: Are we talking Michael Bay or...
Carl: HOW IS THAT RELEVANT?! AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*Hunk taking a selfie*
Hunk: What? Spacebook isn't going to update itself
Carl: I fucking hate you.....
Toby: Um....guys....
Carl: What Toby
Toby: I think we are being shot at....
Carl: No shit Wild Derp shoot back
*Toby looks at gun*
Hunk: *whispering* I thought you replaced his ammo with crayons?
Carl: He doesn't know that
Hunk: Ah, I can see why Space Force Command put you in command now....
Carl: What's that supposed to mean?
Hunk: You're a dick
Carl: You aren't wrong...alright Toby make us proud!
Toby: NO FEAR!
*Toby jumps over the rock and gets shot to death*
Hunk: Well that was expected
Carl: Worth a shot
*Carl throws a grenade and kills the Vex*
*Toby spawns in*
Toby: DID I WIN?!
Carl: Yes... you did so good that command decided to give you a special mission
Toby: *internal screaming* (cut to helmet appearing over his head, and muffled screaming)
Carl: TOBY
Toby: Yes
Carl: focus, your mission is to scout around for any loot that may be on the Nessus surface
Toby: yes
Carl: you understand right?
Toby: yes
Hunk: he keeps saying that but I don't know if he understands the meaning to it
Carl: ...Then you can go with him
Hunk: Fuck me....why can't you go?
Carl: I....well you know allergies and such
Hunk: Allergies?
Carl: yeah to shit that I don't want to do
Hunk: See right there there's the dick
Carl: well if you feel that way you can submit a claim to "shit I already know" now get going, last time we were late on a scouting report Luna, kicked all of our asses....
Hunk: *sighs* fine....I definitely don't want to deal with her....*shivers* PTSD from the last time still keeps me awake at night
Toby: I miss the Dreadnaught
Hunk: Shut up....let's go
Carl: Keep an eye on his ass! Don't want him wandering off again
Hunk: Yeah Yeah....have fun jerkin it you chode....
*Toby and Hunk walk off*
Toby: I think you should be more open to new adventures
Hunk: And I think you should be more open to shutting the fuck up
*Carl pulls out his ghost*
Carl: So.....the scouting mission isn't going as well as once hoped
Cass: *sighs* Why am I not surprised
Carl: hey you're not the one getting shot at by some Guilty Spark ripoffs, we were told that Nessus had no life
Cass: No....you were told that Nessus had no sentient life
Carl: what's the difference?!
Cass: You're an idiot...
Carl: and you're a bitch I guess we can't always have what we want
Cass: *sighs* did you locate the device?
Carl: this place is like fucking middle earth, it's going to take time....
Cass: references with you....ugh....clearly you are from the 21st century
Carl: the most bitchin century...except for the Kardashians....don't know what the hell that was about....
Cass: Focus....anyways use your Nav, should be able to narrow down your search
Carl: ugh....sounds tedious
Cass: suck it up buttercup or l'll call Luna
Carl: Fine.....I'll do it....just know I'm going to hate every minute of it....
Back to Present
Hunk: huh....so what have you been doing thips whole time?
Carl: looking for the device
Cass: Procrastinating to be exact
Carl: stay out of this ya floating lite brite
Cass: *sighs* we need to complete at least one mission, your success rate lately has been....well rather....
Hunk: Average, we know
Cass: I was going to say shitty, but whatever keeps the morale up...go team
Hunk: .....why do you do this.....
Carl: We need to find Toby that's priority number 1, last time the asshole got lost we ended up in another dimension....
*scene goes to Mercury in the Vex Garden*
Carl: TOBY WHAT THE FUCK?!
Toby: I thought you said press the slip gate button...not slip space
Hunk: *facepalms* this team sucks....
*scene goes back to present*
Carl: It took us 3 weeks to get out of that hell hole
Hunk: That was also because somebody refused to listen to Cass when she was giving us directions
Cass: He's not wrong
Carl: I am a warlock, I have immense knowledge, I don't need skynet telling me which way is north or south
Cass: and this knowledge that you have has come in handy so much this far
Carl: whatever, you guys can hate all you want, because this time I put that knowledge to good use
Hunk: do explain....
Carl: I attached a tracking device on Toby after the cluster fuck in the Vex Garden, so now we should be able to easily find out where he is
*Meanwhile in the cave, Vex are shooting at Toby*
Toby: I keep shooting, but nothing is happening!
*ghost pops up*
Toby: AH WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!
Ghost: *sigh* do we have to do this every time we see eachother?
Toby: *stares*
Ghost: Damnit...I'm your ghost, you can call me Dean
Toby: *stares*
Dean: You know...your ghost? The one who brought you back to life? Gave you purpose? Well....in your case that is....
Toby: YOU BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE?!
Dean: oh god no not again....
Toby: I WASN'T ALIVE BEFORE?! AM I A ZOMBIE?! OH NO THE OTHERS, THEY ARE IN DANGER!
Dean: Hey dumbass, you're not a zombie, and you have bigger problems at hand, the Vex are closing in on you
Toby: *stares*
Dean: For fucks sake shoot the damn things, cast your super, do something!
Toby: Oh right....
*Toby casts Golden Gun*
Dean: Thank you holy fucking Traveler
*Toby misses all of his shots*
Dean: Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me
Toby: I missed
Dean: No shit! RUN!
*the two run from the Vex and into Carl, and Hunk*
Carl: TOBY!
Toby: IM SAVED (uses salute emote)
Dean: Oh thank your various Gods.....
Hunk: What the hell happened?
Toby: Things, one second I was in a cave, the next talking to a floating fish bowl, running from Vex, and now I'm with you guys
Dean: Fishbowl.....
Cass: Don't pay him any attention, I don't think he's all that smart
Dean: You don't say.....
Carl: Anyways....The Nav led us here, which means not only did we find dumbass here, but the device is here too
Hunk: Bitchin, let's grab it then
Carl: Did you not hear that there are a gaggle fuck of pissed off Vex in that direction?
Hunk: Did you forget we are basically super heroes?
Toby: I want to be Batman....
Cass: What's the plan then?
Carl: Blow things the fuck up
Dean: I feel like that's a terrible plan
Hunk: Well that's typically our MO so what's the worst that can happen
*The group runs into the cavern with all of the Vex*
Hunk: The chest is over there!
Carl: That's gotta be it, now if we can clear the Vex then....where's Toby?
*Everyone looks around and sees Toby jumping in the air and firing a rocket launcher*
Carl: TOBY YOU SHITBIRD NO!
*Rocket fires and blows up Vex and the chest*
Toby: I HELPED!
Carl and Hunk: Son of a bitch....
Cass: Yep....nothing can get any worse....
Dean: If we just left him here...no one would need to know.....
Space Force United EP2
(Carl, Bert, Hunk, Toby, Cass, Nimble, Calus)
*Scene opens at the Tower*
Carl: Okay....two questions first off who the hell let this asshole in here, and second who the fuck ate my last Klondike Bar?!
*Toby is seen chewing and stops and walks away*
Hunk: That's not obvious at all....
Carl: I'll deal with that later...seriously though why are you here?
Bert: Whatttttt? A friend can't come by and visit old friends?
Carl: Save it mooseknuckle, what's your agenda?
Bert: *sighs* well you see I was sent here by Luna, you see your last mission was quite the colossal failure
Hunk: Tell us something we don't know....
Carl: Oh and look at that you are still quite the colossal douchebag, call the presses
Bert: *chuckles* ah your comebacks never cease to amuse me
Carl: Yeah I'm a one man comedy show, join the club we've got jackets....
Hunk: He's not lying....he really does have jackets.....
Carl: Shut it...anyways, I'm assuming there's more to this intoxicating visit other than rubbing in our recent fallbacks
Bert: Right you are, actually Luna is pretty pissed at you for that recent scouting report you sent her
Carl: Scouting report? I didn't send a scouting report Hunk....HUNK WHAT DID YOU DO?!
Hunk: Right....the scouting report....so funny story
Carl: You had Toby do it....
Hunk: I had Toby do it
Carl: Damnit, how bad was it?
Bert: I wouldn't say that it was bad more or so it was....misunderstood
Carl: Misunderstood?
Bert: It was a picture of a Vex riding a Cabal....not exactly sure what he was getting at
Carl: *facepalms* shit....well lessons learned today huh Hunk
Hunk: I'm pretty sure this won't be my last mistake so don't worry
Bert: Anyways, we have more important matters to discuss
Carl: Oh? Like why are you still here for example?
Bert: No need to be so rash, I mean I come bearing a new mission for all of you
Hunk: Mission?
Bert: Yes it would appear that even ass hats like yourselves can still be worth something to command and the mission, (under his breath, least they can be immortal cannon fodder)
Carl: Ignoring that you are condescending fuck boy, what's the mission?
Bert: Well you see command took it upon themselves to perform their own scouting report on Nessus, and they discovered something rather interesting in its orbit
Hunk: What? Space? Because that's what it is
Bert: No, it was a ship and not just any ship, command believes it may be the Cabal mother ship
Carl: So what? They want us to go into a ship filled with Cabal and get gang banged by those second hand Bane looking assholes?
Bert: They believe the Cabal's Emperor May be on the ship, they want you to investigate and determine whether or not this is true
Hunk: Get on a ship filled with an enemy that has already kicked our ass once? Or sit within the confines of our apartment and binge Spaceflix?
Carl: Orrrrrr we could give up, I vote on that, no one can say we never tried
Bert: you guys have some major ass kissing to do I'd suggest taking the mission
Carl: That doesn't sound like giving up, and plus if this is such a big deal why didn't Luna come to tell us herself?
Hunk: Do you really want Luna to come? Really?
Carl: On second thought...this is fine, alright since our options are slim we will take the mission
Bert: Alright, I'll update the coordinates to your Nav, best of luck, would hate to hear that you idiots died
Carl: Eat a dick
*Bert leaves*
Hunk: So....plan?
Carl: TOBY! WE'VE GOT A MISSION
Toby: YAY!
Hunk: So going in blind...sounds about right
*Team lands on the Leviathan*
Carl: Toby, I need you to pay attention
Toby: That is a promise I cannot make
Hunk: Surprise right there
Carl: Toby, do not touch anything, do not do anything that you would typically do
Toby: *stares*
Carl: TOBY I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND
Hunk: It's like your talking to a wall, but honestly I think that wall would be smarter
Carl: it's like I'm talking to Helen Keller
Hunk: So this is the emperors ship...think he is overly compensating for something
Toby: He means his dick size
Carl: I know what it means asshole
Hunk: So what do we do?
Carl: Enter the palace, find the emperor, report our findings
Hunk: Seems easy enough...too bad we are going to fuck this up
*Cass appears*
Cass: Just out of curiosity, you two realize Toby wandered off
Carl: What?
Hunk: Well that was fast enough
Carl: Son of a bitch! TOBY YOU FUCKING TARD WHERE ARE YOU!
Hunk: Oh no....
Carl: what?
*Hunk points to guards*
Toby: Hi I'm Toby, wanna be my friend?
*Toby proceeds to hit the guards*
Carl: OH MY GOD NO!
Hunk: Well so much for this going smoothly....
Cass: Not to point out the obvious but I think this is where we die.....
*Cabal begin attacking*
5 minutes later....
Hunk: *panting* oh my fuck next time I see Toby, I'm going to blow his balls off so he can't plague the world with his spawn.....
Carl: *panting* I'll help
Cass: Not to be the bearer of bad news but did any of you see where he ran off to?
Carl: Fuck me....he couldn't have gotten far
*Celine Dion begins playing*
Hunk:...what the fuck is that
Carl: Shut up....I love the song
Hunk: Really....is that your ring tone??
Carl: Don't judge me mother fucker....
Hunk: Dreg fucker
Carl: WE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT
Cass: Quit bitching and pick up
Hunk: Who the hell is calling anyways?
*Carl answers*
Carl: We're in the middle of something really....
Calus : I apologize to interrupt, but it would appear that I have recently acquired something important to you
Carl: Who the fuck is this
Calus: Allow me to introduce myself, I am Calus the Emperor of the Cabal, you are currently intruding upon my ship
Carl: Well shit that narrows down our search, what do you have on us?
Calus: It would appear that your friend was captured and brought to me
Carl: Friend? Who? Wait....you don't have to tell me
Hunk: I think friend is going a little far...
Carl: What do you want from us?
Calus: I am interested to know why your leaders show great interest in me, so I offer an exchange, your friend for information
Carl: So we give you our info you give us our dumbass, sounds legit....we want to speak to him
Calus: Fair enough
*Toby gets on the comm*
Toby: CARL, CARL THEY CAPTURED ME
Carl: Yes we've established that, where the hell are you?
Toby: In a room
Carl:...A ROOM, THANKS ASSHOLE REALLY NARROWS IT DOWN, DOES IT HAVE AN ADDRESS? WHAT'S THE NUMBERS?!
Toby: It's a big room
Hunk: fuck it leave him
Toby: it's the throne room
Carl: See was it that hard?! alright we'll be there shortly
Toby: Hurry....he keeps licking his lips....
Hunk: kinky....
*call ends*
Hunk: you should have stalled, let him hang out with Toby longer. I bet we would have gotten a better deal.
Carl: derp, called from a blocked number so I can't try… well, jack ass is in the throne room
Cass: Throne room....great I've updated the Nav, just follow the route and you'll get there in no time
Carl: what about enemies? is there a lot of enemies??
Cass: I can't scan that the only person who can do that would be Nimble
Hunk: No...he makes things awkward...I really think that bastard is trolling me
Carl: We need him
Hunk: Ugh....fine....
*a Ghost appears*
Nimble:....
Hunk: Listen we need your help, scan the ship for enemies
Nimble:.....
Hunk: I know you understand what I'm saying you dick
Nimble:....
Cass: Nimble we don't have time for your shit
Nimble: say please.....
Hunk: Are you kidding me....
Cass: Pl....
Hunk: NO, HOLD UP YOU CAN TALK?!
Nimble:....
Hunk: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!
Nimble:.....
Hunk: YOU FUCKING PRICK?!
Nimble:.....
Hunk: Look me in the visor and say one sentence.....one sentence
*Nimble makes an obnoxious beeping noise*
Hunk: I fucking hate you
Cass: We don't have all day Nimble
*Nimble makes a beeping sound*
Nimble: Done....
*Nimble vanishes*
Hunk: I'm gonna kill him!
Carl: Calm your tits, we've got bigger things to worry about, the scan shows we are clear so let's get going
Hunk: *mumbling*
Space Force United EP 3
(Carl, Hunk, Nimble, Cass, Calus, Toby, Dean, Luna)
*Inside the purple room leading to Calus*
Carl: *Panting* CHRIST! THIS FUCKER HAS A SERIOUS BONER FOR SCREWING PEOPLE OVER!
*Calus laughs*
Hunk: *Panting* FUCK THIS GUY.....FIRST HIS GUARDS ATTACK US, THEN THOSE CUJO ASSHOLES, AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THAT DAMN GAUNTLET BULLSHIT!
*Nimble appears*
Nimble: you're out of shape
Hunk: AND YOU!
*Nimble vanishes*
Hunk: *Yells*
Carl: I think he's trolling you on purpose
Hunk: No shit Magnum PI what would have given you that idea?!
*Cass appears*
Cass: Hey jackholes focus, I think we are at the throne room
Carl: oh thank god.....
Hunk: Question...what the fuck is this purple shit on the ground?
*Carl bends over and picks the purple substance up and licks it*
Hunk: Dude what the hell?!
Carl: What?! I have a natural sense of curiosity
Cass: You really are an idiot
Hunk: What is it?
Carl: Hm...tastes like...Purple Fanta....
Hunk:.....what
Carl: I'm serious
*Hunk sniffling*
Carl: Are you crying?!
Hunk: Just.....so wasteful
Carl: Man the fuck up
Hunk: I don't need shit from someone who licks shit from off the ground
Carl:.....touché
Cass: Can we seriously get moving?
*Doors opens and Calus sits on his throne*
Calus: Ahhhhhhh my special guests have finally arrived
Carl: Holy Fat ass a ton.....
Hunk: He still has Toby.....
Carl: I bet his insulin bill is ridiculous....
Hunk: FOCUS!
Carl: (mumbling, how big are the rolls of toilet paper he uses..).. Right, Alright your royal plumpness, we want our dumbass(landmine detector) back
Calus: Don't you mean comrade?
Carl: I know what I said!
Cass: We are going to fucking die here....(well you are I'll make a better choice next time)
Calus: Well it would seem you've passed all of my tests with ease
Hunk: Ease? You call that easy? Your fucking dogs tried to eat me!
Calus:....they're exotic, besides the point, you have passed nonetheless and I have deemed you worthy (though the nuances and complexities required to create such tests are above your comprehension)
Carl: Worthy?
Calus: Yes worthy, worthy of being my Guardians
Hunk:....wait what the fuck is happening here
Carl: Yeahhhhhhhh....I don't think that's how that works.....
Calus: You either work for me, or I kill you
Carl: I think we got off on the wrong foot....
Hunk: ANYWAYS! seriously though where is Toby?
Calus: Ahhhhh, your friend
Hunk: and there's that word again
Calus: He is right here.....
*Toby appears with Dean*
Carl: How ya doing over there precious?
Toby: He made me shake his arm....but it wasn't his arm....I don't know what anything is anymore
Dean: I saw the whole thing....I'm fucking done....
Carl: ha gross...
Hunk: Alright.....well we will be taking him with us, unless you have a problem with that?
Calus: No problem at all, however, there is the matter of my request
Carl: Request?
Calus: Yes, I know that your organization is hunting me....why?
Hunk: You blew up our fucking tower?
Calus: Did I though?
Carl: Well, technically it was that George guy
Cass: Ghaul....
Toby: And I am Toby
Hunk: Shut up Toby
Toby: K....
Carl: Yeah that guy
Calus: So you seek retribution from someone you have already defeated?
Carl: Listen ya diabetic ninja turtle, we just get told what to do, and we do it
Calus: So then you have no problem following my orders then?
Hunk: Do we have a choice?
Calus: Do you want to live?
Hunk: Right.....
Calus: So we have a deal then? You return to your leaders, prevent them from further intervening in my affairs, and in return you do my bidding
Carl: That sounds kinda one sided
Calus: And you get to leave here with your lives intact
Carl: except for Toby's innocence...am I right?
Cass: Really though?
Carl: Too soon?
Hunk: *sighs* Alright fine....Carl what do you think?
Carl: What's the worst that can happen?
Cass: I feel like this is a constant thing for us....
Calus: You are making a wise choice
Carl: Yeah yeah....let's get out of here before he starts getting frisky with the rest of us
Toby: I feel dirty....
Dean: Please shut up.....
*Team Returns to the Tower*
Bert: YOU DID WHAT?!
Carl: Long story short we sort of made a deal with the Pillsbury Doughturtle...
Bert: *sighs* you are idiots you know that....what is Luna gonna say when I tell her....
*Luna walks in*
Luna: Tell me what
Carl: Oh and now we have this
Luna: Hey Dreg fucker what did you screw up this time?
Carl: *sighs* good to see you too, and nothing serious
Luna: *stares*
Hunk: What he means is we were put in a tough spot, Calus had Toby, and now we apparently work for him....not exactly sure how that adds up....
Luna: So you idiots are workin for the enemy now
Carl: Well when you put it that way...
Luna: This could work
Carl, Bert, and Hunk: Say What now
Luna: You three are in the inside now, you can get us intel on the enemy
Carl: Right, that was our intentions, suck it Bert ya bitch
Bert: Oh right, how convenient
Luna: I will make arrangements with command....don't fuck this up Carl
Carl: sure thing
Hunk: We can't promise much
Luna: That's What has me concerned the most
*Luna leaves*
Bert: Welp, we will see how you three manage to fuck this one up
Carl: Don't you have a higher up to kiss ass to?
Bert: Ahhhhh witty as ever, see you around, keep Luna posted with any updates
*Bert leaves*
Carl: ughhhhhhhhh.....this suckssssssss
Hunk: That went better than expected
Carl: Yeah...well let's see how this charade plays out....where's Toby?
Hunk: He's.....detoxing.....
*Toby in the shower*
Toby: IT'S NOT COMING OFF
Dean: SCRUB HARDER!
Space Force United EP 4
(Hunk, Carl, Toby, Cass, Xol, Blake, Dean)
*Scene opens up deep within the bowels of the Leviathan*
Hunk: Ok so let me get this straight....Calus called you and said he had something important for us to take care of?
Carl: Yes
Hunk: But he didn't go into specifics
Carl: Correct
Hunk: And you were all for this
Carl: Right
Hunk: Are you fucking retarded?
Carl: Shut up, it gets us out of the Tower and since this is something command wants along with Luna, it's a win for us
Hunk: Until we manage to screw it up
Carl: Always so negative
Hunk: I'm going off of past experiences recently.....
Toby: Are we there yet?
Carl: No
Toby: How about now?
Carl: No
Toby: My feet hurt
Car: Suck it up
Toby: Are we there now?
Carl: No, shut up
Hunk: You Shut up
Toby: I'LL SHUT UP!
Carl: SON OF A BITCH!
Hunk: Hey you wanted this
Carl: *sighs* Listen, Toby, we are here to look for these intruders called the Syndicate, apparently they've been causing some issues, and Calus wants them out, so until we find them do me a favor and stop being you for 10 minutes
Toby: *stares*
Hunk: He means don't do the dumb shit you typically do
Toby: OHHHHHHHH, gotcha
Carl: Anyways....where the hell are we?
*Cass appears*
Cass: The bowels of the ship, apparently this leads to the powering station and will take us directly to the location of where the Syndicate are supposedly located
Carl: Wonderful, how many floors is that from here
Hunk: What floor are we on?
Cass: Floor zero
Carl: How many floors are there?
Cass: 50
Carl: Fuck this I'm out
Hunk: Hey we're making progress
Carl: No were on floor 0, last time I checked that's not what you call "progress"
Hunk: Maybe we should split up?
Carl: Last time we did that Toby got manhandled
Hunk: I think you said that last word backwards..
Toby: He asked me if I wanted to feel his true power
Carl: And we are going to completely ignore all that fuckery
Hunk: So what's the plan?
Carl: Well.....
Hunk: Don't say blow things the fuck up, our track record is not the best with that option
Carl: *sighs* fine, anyone else have a plan?
*Toby raises hand*
Carl: Anyone else have a plan?
*Toby continues to raise hand*
Carl: Anyone with a relevant plan?
*Toby puts hand down*
Carl: Damnit....
*Toby raises his hand*
Carl: WHAT TOBY?!
Toby: I need to pee
Carl: THEN GO YOU FUCKING ASSHAT!
*Toby looks around*
Hunk: Bathroom is that way dumbass
*Toby runs off*
Carl: Now what?
Hunk: Well we could always have Cass scan ahead
Cass: You could, too bad I don't have the best signal here
Hulk: Ughhhhh....
Carl: Option B
Hunk: What the fuck are you going on about?
Carl: Who do we know who is really good at scouting areas out?
Hunk: Wait.....NO ANYTHING BUT THAT
Carl: Options are kind of limited
Cass: OH HER
Hunk: Last time she got involved with something we needed I almost died!
*Flashback to Xol*
Xol: You are about to get fucked in the B you poor soul
Hunk: ANYTIME YOU WANT JUMP IN!
Xol: You are forever alone, and you will now DIE ALONE!
*Xol attacks*
Hunk: *girl screams*
*sniper shot heard from behind killing Xol*
Xol: I AM A GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CAMELDICK BULLSHIT?!
*Hunk shivering as Guardian walks out*
Hunk: BLAKE! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?
Blake: Whaaaaaaaat? I wasn't going to let you die, and by the way was that seriously your scream?
Hunk: I'd appreciate it if we never discussed this again
Blake: *sniffing* what's that smell?
Hunk: We need to leave.....NOW
*Flashback ends*
Hunk: A lot of things happened
Carl: Oh right you cried in your sleep for three weeks
Hunk: That's wasn't me
Carl: Oh right that was Toby after he found out they canceled his favorite TV program Crota and Friends
Cass: So what's the plan?
Hunk: Do we really need her??
Carl: Like we have a choice.....I'll make the call
*phone rings*
*Blake appears from invisibility*
Blake: Hey Guys
Carl: JESUS
Hunk: *girl screams*
*everyone looks at Hunk*
Carl: What the hell?
Hunk: Fuck you
Blake: Yeah sorry, I've been following you guys for a while now, Luna didn't think your success rate was very high, and so she sent me to observe
Carl: Of course she did
Cass: Since you're here then you can scout the ship for us
Blake: Already did, needless to say what you guys are looking for is quite a ways down from here, so we better get moving
Hunk: That's all great and all, but anyone else notice that Toby still isn't here?
*camera goes to Toby staring at the bathrooms*
Toby: WHICH ONE DO I USE!
Dean: Oh my god.....JUST PICK ONE!
Toby: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!
Dean: I FUCKING HATE YOU!
*scene returns to the others*
Carl: Lost...or dead one of those two, oh well we can always get another one
Blake: We May want to get moving, apparently this place is said to be haunted by the lost souls consumed by its wrath
Hunk: Do what now?
Blake: Yeah, it could just be rumors though, anyways ONWARD YE TWEEDLEDUMBS!
*Carl and Blake begin walking off*
Hunk: *Looking around* Hey guys, wait for me, seriously I don't want to be here when the walls start to bleed
Space Force United EP 5
(Carl, Hunk, Blake, Toby, Dean, Duke, Merril, Ace)
Carl: FUCK I HATE THIS SHIP!
Hunk: Why is everything trying to kill Us?!
Blake: That was fun, but you guys seriously need to keep up
Carl: *panting* fuck you....
Hunk: And what the hell was that cannon blast just now?!
Blake: Yeah, gravity cannon, bit exhilarating the first time you go through
Hunk: I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK!
Carl: Okay so this is Argos then? And it's in a fucking rock.....What the fuck.....
Blake: Apparently this is how it keeps its defenses up when it's in slumber mode
Hunk: So what do we do?
Blake: Wake him up of course
Hunk: Right.....
Carl: Anyone else feel like we are missing something?
*distant screaming*
Carl: Oh right....
*Toby hits the ground*
Hunk: Well that answers that question
Toby: I.....am...okay...
*Dean appears*
Dean: That's a shame
Carl: Where the fuck did you guys go to?
Dean: Long story short, we ended up in the throne room again
Hunk: Oh and I'm sure that went well
*flashback to Throne Room*
Calus: Ahhhhhhhhh Muffintop you have returned
Toby: This is not where I left my Carl and Hunk.....
Calus: Would you like to play a game with me?
Toby: I like games
Dean: STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!
*flashback ends*
Dean: No therapy will ever help me recover from seeing the shit I have seen
Hunk: Forget I asked
Toby: We played tug a war
Carl: Well now that disturbing image has been burned into the back of my head....let's carry on with destroying this fucking thing
Blake: We need special charges to destroy the rocks surrounding Argos
Carl: And how the fuck do we do that?
*Gun clicks from behind*
Carl: Son of a bitch...
*Carl, Toby, Hunk, and Blake turn around to see four Guardians aiming at them*
Duke: Hewo twesspasswers
Carl:...I'm sorry could you repeat that?
Duke: I swaid Hewo Twesspasswers
Carl: I....Don't understand....
Duke: What war wou dweaf?
Carl: Are you illiterate?
Hunk: I can't take him seriously
Duke: Ahhhh wou can't wunderstand ma diawect
Carl: You sound like you mouth fucked a frozen lamp post
Hunk: oh nice, I was gonna say he sounded like he tongue banged a speak and spell
Carl: *laughs* ohhhh nice I like that
Duke: Wou Wools I am the won stwanding here with the gwun
Carl: Intimidation isn't really your strong suit is it?
Merrill: Ugh, would you morons shut the hell up?! Duke, shut up for two seconds, and you idiots, what are you doing here?
Carl: She's got balls
Hunk: I like her
Duke: Well dwat was uncwalled Fwor
*Merrill stares*
Duke: I apawogize fwor ma outbwurst
Merrill: Seriously though, what are you morons doing here?
Carl: Calus sent us we're looking for some group called the Syndicate and Argos
Merrill: Well it looks like today is your lucky day
Hunk: Oh shit.....
Merrill: Sorry but we don't plan to go quietly
Toby: Anyone else notice that everything is on fire around us?
Carl: Shut up Toby, Alright Listen here we have been through hell and back trying to get down here and we aren't going anywhere
Merrill: Fine by me then
*pops Arcstrider*
Carl: Oh should of seen that coming....
Blake: I think it's time for some back up of our own
*Danger on the Track starts playing in the background*
Hunk: Back up?
Carl: wait....that music
*Rocket explodes in front of everyone and a Warlock emerges from the smoke*
Ace: Wellllllllllll what do we have here, looks like the three failskateers managed to get themselves into a bind once again
Carl: Oh god no.....
Hunk: Fuck me.....Blake what is he doing here
Blake: Commands orders....sorry
Ace: Looks like I got here just in time
Carl: Hey screw you asshole this is our mission
Ace: Oh? And look at that, a fuck that I don't give, sorry Dreg Fucker, the big show is here now
Carl: Ahhhh come on does everyone know about that?!
Hunk: Sorry....
Carl: You bastard.....
Ace: You two done having your lovers spat?
Carl: And you! How is command going to let me prove myself if your ass is here?!
Hunk: Anyone else notice that the music is still going?
Ace: Well Maybe if you didn't suck so much at being a Guardian
Carl: I'm going to seriously beat your ass
Ace: You couldn't beat a thrall
Hunk: Seriously, the music what the fuck?
Merrill: Okay assholes were still here ya know
Ace: Yeah, we've noticed and by the decree of Space Force Command we are taking this zone under our jurisdiction
Merrill: Oh and you think we'll just give it to you?
*Ace pulls out Sleeper Simulant*
Ace: Your options are pretty limited, I suggest you choose wisely
Duke: If wou thwink thwat will fwrighten us wou are poorly mistwaken
*Ace shoots Duke*
Ace: Takes care of the out of order hooked on dumbass
Blake: Well that escalated quickly
Hunk: I guess the music is just part of the douchebag package then?
Toby: It's got a nice ring to it
Merrill: Right....Well this definitely took a turn for the fucked
Carl: you could say that again, Alright Ace we can take it from here
Ace: Yeah after I saved your pathetic ass again
Carl: God I hate you more than Toby....WHICH IS ALOT
Toby: I love you too
Ace: OOOOOOOOOO, suck it the fuck up cupcake
Blake: Guys.....more important things
*Rumbling heard as Argos awakens*
Hunk: Oh my sweet gentle Jesus.....
Merrill: Our Lord has awoken.....
Carl: Oh my god it's as if Michael Bay and James Cameron had a love child
*Argos turns and stares at the group*
Toby: Oooooooooo shiny....
Hunk: We are so fucked....
