Emptiness

Chapter 1

All my life I have been wondering around    looking for a power greater than me there has always been a missing piece in my life. I searched, I just couldn't understand what is it that was missing was. If only I could fill this void inside of me. My whole life was based on finding the missing piece there was a time where I thought maybe I'm in search of love, finding my soul mate if I may say.

Turns out I was wrong all my life. The missing piece was the high I've never felt so in love with someone. I looked at the pipe and the white glass as my body trembles. My mind managed to bring me a delight suspicion. I glimpse at the pipe and the crystal meth that was inside melted it to Adam's ale. I just could not wait as it looked promising, the first pull followed by a rush changed existence on earth entirely. The youthfulness, loneliness and emptiness was dead and buried at least that is what I thought that very moment. My entire body dropped and I made a deadly commitment.

Nothing all important than it and when someone asks me to specify the reason for the use of chemical abuse. I would laugh it off like I had no obstacles.

Deep down I knew that all good things need to come to an end. In the beginning it's all great but the habit makes you turn on everyone including yourself. Well I'm not even a day from being sober.

 Oh how I crave to be sober. Do I have a problem? He took my soul and getting it back is a fight I keep losing. I just was him is that wrong? This feels like playing a losing game because the more you give yourself to him the more you lose people around you including yourself.

I need you to know that you should enfold your life like fine arts.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to be myself again because honestly without my souls habit I'm really lost. I've done so many bad things and they make me sick but I cannot keep running away from me forever. Well we wake up in the morning most of the time we don't even sleep worried about where to get the next high, how to get the next high it doesn't matter where, how or when the main part was just receiving the next trill.

We live in fear and that fear can make you disappoint yourself and everyone around you.

Well our biggest fear could be the fear of changing. We are afraid of becoming better people and actually being proud of ourselves. I ask myself every time why am I so afraid of it? Don't I want to be great? I've stopped being hard on myself but I always punish myself by thinking if I take things slow everything will fall into place.

Easy is just easy I fear challenging myself and take on the hard emotions. I think we punish ourselves too much on our mistake, flaws and everything else that is disgraceful that we've ever done in our lives.

I've lived my entire life knowing that I'm a mistake and if it probably were not for me my mom would probably be having the best times

In her life. Shaking her ass in a yacht. I even blame myself for being born, I know that is messed up but she was just a kid. I find it hard to even forgive myself for being born. Forgiving myself is really something I struggle to do so when the devil reached out to me my soul was already crying out for help.

I punish my own parents for giving birth to me. I'm not at fault that I was born even so I blame myself. 

I know I'm not to blame and if I try harder I can be a better human being, trying harder just feels like I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I look at the devil and ask him if this was his plan all along, will he let me win in the end? I can feel my demons getting stronger he tells me to let them in, to open up to them and that they are my only friends. I'm scared and I don't even know if I'll make it through.

 MY DEMONS ARE KILLING ME SLOWELY