Born Again

What is life? What does it mean to keep on living? To be alive?

Can the definition of living be related to our everyday activities? Waking up, and attending to our routines and schedule with the absolute intake of sustainable energy to keep our body operative.

Is that what it means to live? To be alive?

I have always asked myself this question; what would become of the world if everything living lived only for themselves?

What would become of the world if selfishness was the absolute order in a world governed by survival of the fittest?

What would become of a world where the mother does not love the child, likewise a father not trusting his child?

Chaos would erupt! Disorderliness would dominate! Panic would ensue! The world would be thrown in utter disarray!

Then, what would become of a world where orderliness is the rule governing the terms and conditions?

A world where peace was an absolute everyday necessity?

A world where every individual treasures one another like they are all a part of one body, mind and soul?

A world where to be just is not considered the right thing, but rather looked upon as the only choice we have?

In such a world, how would one live their lives?

In a world like that, hypocrisy is what would reign supreme.

The concept of free will would be abandoned and only the desire to live up to the expectations of society would remain in their hearts.

Is a world like that worth living? Is it worth considering as a good and righteous world because of the benefits it offers?

Can a world where there is no free will truly be called a world?

If it can't, what then should be considered a world, a world worth living?

Is the world we live in supposed to be the real world? The closest we can get to a perfect world?

A world where a husband in a fit of rage kills the wife! A world where an injustice is done to a ten-year-old who lost both his parents on the same day!

Can a world like that be thought of as reality? Can a world like that be justified as living?

"I am tired!!". I whispered outwardly.

My body lay flat in the darkness with my head turned above, staring at the pitch-black darkness.

My mind was empty as I stared intently into the dark, questioning what purpose my existence had in this vast world.

I was told to turn my emotions into a switch. That way, I won't be controlled by external forces nor put in a crazed state where I eventually wither into nothingness.

What was all this? What is happening to me?!

I never asked for this. I never wanted to be this!

The death of my aunt changed me and reshaped me into something I am not.

No. Perhaps I was always this kind of person, hidden under my so-called belief to live an upright life for my mother's sake!

"I am tired!".

What if I hadn't awakened to my Oduduwa bloodline? Perhaps then my life could have continued being normal. The death of my aunt would not have changed me as it does currently!

I will not be this devastated and in pain!

"A switch!".

I want to try it. If it will relieve me of this pain, I am willing to give it an honest try.

My eyes closed and my lids sealed tight.

I visualized myself. No, I visualized my emotions, the major ones.

I conjured up one major emotion, guilt. I conjured it in my mind and then visualized myself turning the emotion into a switch that I could control at will.

As I concentrated deeply on it, a foreign view invaded my thoughts. It was the view of a woman, one that I can easily recognize from just looking at a make-believe distorted figure.

"Mother!". I called out to the figure, instinctively.

The figure turned its back on me and walked even further into the gloomiest part of the dark, away from my sight.

I in a hurry, tried to force my body to stand upright and chase after the shadow, but I couldn't do it.

My mother's figure abandoned me and there was nothing I could do about it as I felt my body tied down, restrained by my guilt.

I had betrayed my mother, gone against my morals and ended up a Judas!!

Ahh!! I see now. I am no filial child. I am a child who has been tainted, stained by the blood of another, yet I try to justify it!!

Killing my aunt's husband was a necessary course of action. He sinned and I gave him retribution for the sins he committed against me, against my aunt and her daughter.

That is how it is, how it has always been. My morals strictly forbid taking the life of another, but maybe... Just maybe I have been viewing this all wrong from the start.

The world is a cruel place to live in. Deaths are rampant and so are people without remorse for those they cause pain to.

In such a world, I hold my life dear with promises to put myself before others.

If so, how can I hope to keep to that promise if I choose to abide by my ethical morals?

"Mother! I am lost, what do I do?!".

The guilt! It's eating me from the inside out. I conjured it but now I can't seem to let go of it.

It is clinging so tight to me, tormenting me and putting me in agony.

To survive! For the sake of my absolute promise, I need to overcome this!

"Switch!!".

I don't know how to do that, but I do know where to start.

For I have defiled my mother and father's honour, gone against everything they taught me, and even tainted the precious name they bestowed upon me.

"Raul!!".

That is a name I do not deserve to bear!

"Judas!!".

A befitting name for me who has betrayed the expectations of my parents.

Still! I cannot die. I mustn't. Rather, I will be born again as Judas the betrayer.