15 Who Made It

Hiruzen stopped by to hear our account of the fight against Orochimaru an hour after it wrapped up and commended us for valiantly driving off a major threat to the village, earning us another big commendation and an S Rank in our record books and bank accounts.

It was a brilliant way to condition Naruto to throw himself head first at any danger Konoha might face, not that the guy needed any more manipulation on that front. Hiruzen trained the boy well, taking perfect advantage of the villagers social exclusion of child Naruto to fill him with the wonder of being a shinobi and a suicidal drive to prove himself in both valor and loyalty. So obviously the old guy didn't completely mismanage his Strategic Class shinobi. He did set the foundation for the man who would become the greatest Hokage ever.

So long as we turn our minds off about him being the incarnation of ninja Jesus who would have risen to those heights anyways.

We had our run of the tower after Lord Third left, but when nobody showed up for three days I started to worry about how many people got completely wrecked in our running battle with Orochimaru, and had to play back to see if anyone that mattered died.

Fortunately, as far as my clones could tell, no one of any consequence died. It's a real bummer when you remember that Kabuto was in the area, and it would have been sweet for him to have been introduced to a bunch of giant sword strikes.

It still took Gaara and his siblings three days to get back to the tower, and on the fourth day only Team Guy showed up. On the fifth and final day a battered and exhausted Team Kurenai dragged their sweaty and filthy asses across the threshold just in time for the final headcount.

I couldn't fucking believe it. Wasn't that curse mark supposed to have a nine in ten chance of killing the recipient?

(I literally rolled a ten sided dice to justify killing off Sasuke and the bastard landed on a Ten. Kishimoto's boner for him crossed time and space to save his ass once again!)

Poor show Orochimaru. Nine in ten chance to kill a dude and you fumble at the goal line.

The examinees formed up in the lobby of the tower, a room three stories tall with olive tiled floors and catwalks along the walls leading to a great big pair of stone hands pressed into a hand sign. The area beneath the hands was elevated to about waist height with a half circular projection for the Hokage to stand on and look extra important as he rolled deep with an entourage of the successful teams' Jonin leaders, and the the exam officers for the three stages and a handful of their goons.

He explained the true nature of the Exams as a spectacle for the glory of the participating villages, and that the Chunin promotion aspect of the Exams was just a side benefit. The first and second stages were simply to weed out the non hackers in the dumbest way possible, but fuck it, no one ever accused the ninja villages of having great ideas.

Real fucking smart to use a written exam to sift through gladiators for your pit fights, Hiruzen.

When I am in charge, these Chunin Exams will just be a series of qualifying tournaments to boil down to the absolute best fighters for my international blood sport bi annual main event. And you can bet your ass I'll find me a Bruce Buffer to announce the shit out of my contenders.

'FIGHTING OUT OF KONOHA, PROVING ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT IT IS NOT THE SIZE OF THE DOG IN THE FIGHT, BUT THE SIZE OF THE BIJU IN THE DOG! NNNNNAAARRUUTTOOO UZUUUMAAAAKKKKIIIII!'

Little dude runs out with the Konoha flag draped over his shoulders to the cheers of a crowd hyped out of their minds by a sic announcer. That's the kind of spectacle worth the admission price and the hassle of travel. Not the half stiffy that is the Third Stage.

I've seen the final tournament several times in my life, and I have an entire binder full of ideas to make that event not suck. First and foremost, storylines. I'd have writers working on story lines for all the finalists and the guys getting promoted to Chunin are the dudes who sell the characters best.

Hell, I'd have town criers in every major country shouting at the top of their lungs that a Konoha Dogman fucked the Kazekage's daughters and that the Kazekage's sons will have thier chance to avenge the honor of their family during the big tournament being held in Konoha.

Will it ruin international relationships? Fuck yeah.

Will I be able to charge premium for each and every seat in the arena? Also fuck yeah.

And all that dosh works mighty fine for paying off pissed Kages.

'You think this paltry sum is worth the shame my house has endured?'

'Come on, dude. You and I both know that is double what you were thinking of selling her virginity for.'

'Well played, Lord Fifth.'

Yeah. That's how it would go.

Thank God the old man finished up his dramatic reveal while I was thinking about how much better than him I'll be at being Hokage. I don't think I could have stomached his hammy performance.

Hyate Gekko came down with a bucket for us to draw lots from resulting in

Neji Hyuga vs Sasuke Uchiha

Kiba Inuzuka vs Kankuro

Sakura Haruno vs Shino Aburame

Naruto Uzumaki vs Ten Ten

Hinata Hyuga vs Temari

Rock Lee vs Gaara

Straight up, I am fucking thrilled that Rock Lee vs Gaara is happening in front of a crowd. That fight is the pinnacle of Part One Naruto, and deserves to be more than a back room brawl.

Sakura is probably fucked as she has nothing that can counter Shino's bug spam. My best bet would be for her to whip up some bug spray, but the Aburame have been dealing with cheeky moves like that for generations, so their bugs are a breed apart.

Naruto is golden as he'll just introduce Ten Ten to the hard counter to her gimmick in a far more gently way then Temari did in the manga. I mean come on, the only fight Ten Ten ever one was against a mirror image of herself… and she still almost lost that one too.

Kakuro is just going to give up, and then Kabuto will pop off the invasion at the peak of Rock Lee vs Gaara, killing the tournament arc of this story before the MC even takes the field. Bold move by the manager if I do say so myself.

Kakashi zipped over with an eye smile and a thumbs up, "I knew you guys would get through with no problems, and you almost won me a lot of ryo too. If only Kurenai's Team showed up ten minutes later…"

As Kakashi's masked face shifted from happy to his down about life Might Guy appeared next to him in a burst of speed.

"So our rivalry has evened out with your ream finishing before mine." Guy smiled, exposing his shockingly perfect teeth, "But the Third Stage shall see more opportunities for our students to showcase the Spring Time of their Youth and battle for the honor of their sensei. My students will head straight to the top, my Eternal Rival, burning brightly for all to see!"

"Did you say something, Guy?" Kakashi said as he slowly turned his face to his rival.

Might Guy clutched his chest over his heart and pulled an expression of shock and betrayal, "Once more your hip and cool ways wound me, Kakashi!"

"Excuse me!" shouted Rock Lee as he stood next to his sensei who I am like fifty percent sure is his half brother.

Is it just some head canon that Chadicus Daddicus Might Dai pulled some tail and fathered Rock Lee before he died like a total baller defending his son and killing four of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist? Probs.

But Kid Rock Lee's hair looks an awful lot like Might Duy's and they just so happen to share the same handicap and aptitude for the Eight Gates Kinjutsu. An aptitude Guy suspected all along when out of his three students only Lee managed to learn how to open the First Gate despite Neji being a taijutsu prodigy.

Coincidences? I THINK NOT!

"Did you say something, dude?" I asked Rock Lee after I returned from my musings.

Rock Lee's face contained an exaggerated amount of shock and betrayal, "So hip and cool!"

He turned to his half brother and shouted, "Guy sensei! Is it possible for a man to have enough room in his heart for two Eternal Rivals? I have dedicated myself fully to defeating Neji, but Kiba Inuzuka has proven himself in word and dead to be very worthy as an Eternal Rival!"

"LEE!" Guy sensei shouted at his student, "That is a question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time, does a man truly have a heart big enough to face two rivals equally, to truly have more than one Eternal Rival!"

Guy gripped Lee by his shoulders, "LEE, your heart is as only as big as you believe it to be! If you truly believe that you can burn brightly against two Eternal Rivals, then it can be done! Let no one else put a limit on the scope of your heart Lee! Let the Flames of your Youth shine!"

"Guy Sensei!" Lee's mouth quivered as his eyes watered.

"Lee!" Guy responded.

"GUY SENSEI!" Lee bellowed.

"LEE!" Guy roared as he pulled his half brother into a hug.

"Guy Sensei!" Lee sobbed into the man's shoulder.

"Lee!" Guy wept openly, overcome once more by his connection to his half brother.

"Man, why can't you be cool like him, Kakashi?" Naruto huffed as he kicked his foot over the floor.

"Cool? Them?" Kakashi looked at Naruto as if the boy grew another head.

"Look how much they care." Naruto pointed at the formerly weeping pair as they wiped their faces off, "Caring is cool, Kakashi. When the whole world is cold and hard, it takes a lot of guts to care. It takes a lot more guts to care like that."

"That… is a very mature take, Naruto." Kakashi slumped his shoulders and put his hands in his pockets as he led us down to the tunnel from the tower back to the village.

"Plus they have neat jumpsuits." Naruto added with a big grin.