3 The Workshop

"Send me back!" I screamed at my brain as I woke up on the floor of my workshop after another night's work.

"Send me back!" I begged, desiring to return to the dream of a dip in the hot springs with Samui, Tsunade, Anko, and Hinata as they happily smothered me with their vast tracts of titflesh.

But alas I returned to the cruel reality, to my fortress of solitude. My workshop, like other building units made by the Inuzuka, consisted of a primitive log cabin filled with shelves of scrolls on topics such as engineering, medicine, chakra, and training and my personal notes on their content. Draft tables held various plans for puppets, ideas for justus, medical diagrams, and the occasional landscape drawing. Posters on the walls displayed various stages of my growth including recent maps of my tenketsu and chakra pathways discovered via medical analysis justu.

Oh no, you may think. Kiba, you're putting down all your weaknesses for enemies to discover. Any infiltrator can now learn about your justu capabilities and your anatomy down to the circumference of your testicles.

To which I'd respond, if someone needs to know all this information to beat me, then they are dumb as fuck, because if they are good enough to infiltrate the Inuzuka compound, then they are good enough to sneak up on me and stick me with a poisoned kunai. We aren't the Hyuga who can get run up on by any random asshat. Our noses don't turn off, our ears are always on, and we train the best guard dogs in the world. We also live on the outskirts of Konoha, so anyone traveling to us must do so though over a half mile of well patrolled and well controlled forest.

Also important to note is that Danzo and Root running around is fanon, in canon the man lamented having to leave his underground bunker to take advantage of the situation and become Hokage. Those guys have been cellar dwellers in a bunker outside of Konoha since they botched Operation: False Flag. They occasionally pinch kids from the orphanages outside of Konoha to build up their numbers.

Konoha is not the politically fraught mess it is portrayed as by bad fanfiction writers, at worst we have a few wealthy civilians who get to petition the Hokage privately because they lent large amounts of money to the village.

Honestly, this is by far the best village to live in besides Iwa. Fuck living in the mountains of Kumo, in the barren desert of Suna, or through the constant civil wars of Kiri. At worst we have a tired old dude in charge who poorly manages the village's Strategic Grade Shinobi. Not the worst thing ever considering you could insert into a place like Taki that doesn't even have any ninja that would actually qualify as a Konoha Jonin and be at the mercy of every roving band of missing ninja that take a fancy to your stuff and your women folk.

Plus Konoha has three out of the four best tiddies in the setting.

I considered my options for my day's carry, and I have quite a few of them. In the corner I have a half dozen of Ame's spring loaded umbrellas, one of the most deadly ninja tools I've come across to date. Next to them I have a rack of kanabos I've been working on from standard full iron to extendable whip clubs to my dream weapon that marries the surprise of my whip club to the spring loaded senbon umbrellas to make make a weapon that weighs a metric fuckton, extends, and is a machine gun with a hidden sword as the handle.

I'd accomplished all of that individually, and one day I'd achieve a truly freaky anime trick weapon. Till then I'd be using the club that doubles as a hidden sword and a machine gun.

Now why kanabo, one may ask. Why not swords, or scythes, or something equally weebtastic? Well, the reason I took up kanabo is because Kisame Hoshigaki runs around with a chakra stealing shark thing on a stick and basically wrecks everyone's game plans for combat. But I am willing to bet that Samehada is not a fan of hitting a big metal club. The sharkskin sword probably has enough mass to break any swords not built like Gut's Dragonslayer, same problem with spears not made entirely of metal, and will suck the chakra right out of any special tools you may want to use against it, and try going Taijutsu on this dude with out being Might Mother Fucking Guy, the dude who killed the final boss if not for his Toggle God Mode bullshit.

It won't end well for you.

This guy is a real fucking problem for people in this setting, but he isn't that hard a puzzle to figure out. Beat him with a big metal stick. It sounds crazy, but if you and all your friends get big metal sticks and beat him over the head for a half an hour I guarantee you he will drop like a rock.

In the Earth Style dug out basement I play around with different puppets. My favorite is an octopus made with Hiruko style bladed tentacles. The damn thing weighs a ton yet the magic of chakra strings meant I could fling it around at hilarious speeds. Hilarious for me anyway, not for anyone who's body actually comes into contact with any of its limbs. I like to hide him under a Lord Fluff Fluff as mean spirited surprise.

Octoblender is a real bitch to operate, much more difficult to move than humanoids who just control easier than their complex shaping would imply, but I had a pack of five wolf type puppets that move like a dream, probably because of the raw amount of time I spend around dogs.

I'd put money on a puppeteer from Kiri having an easier time using the Octoblender. A lot of puppeteering is imagery. Get good enough and only a single string is needed to operate a complex unit.

My creepiest puppets came in the form of a giant desert centipede and a mantis shrimp, and I could move both with great precision due to the general horror each animal filled me with burning their movements into my mind.

Realizing that I'd run into Naruto again today at the team announcements, I took the Mantis Shrimp and hid him under my tiger skin Lord Fluff Fluff. We'd see about adding something besides ghosts to his list of fears.

I didn't hate Kiba's part one outfit, but if I am going to wear something so damn thick I might as well do it right and construct it out armor grade fabric. I extended the jacket to my knees and with some intelligent stitching I was just as mobile and stealthy as the jacket my mom gave me and also couldn't give a damn about thrown kunai and shuriken. It came with the added bonus of keeping the Iron Bull harness I need for my Kanabo, puppet, and Lord Fluff Fluff from digging into me too much.

I threw in a Root Style tactical vest under it to keep my supply scrolls secure and some holsters and pouches for my throwing weapons and wire, and finished things off with my military issue charcoal sandals, and by God I am glad to live in a verse where sandals are so damn functional.

Fuck socks.

I tied on my dulled and darkened forehead protector and a pair of sunglasses and headed on over to my moms house for breakfast before starting my career in espionage and murder. Was I over prepared compared to my peers? Absofuckinglutely, but those people somehow still haven't figured out that the Konoha Ninja Corps is the official military of the Land of Fire. We are surrounded by four major hostile nations and many lesser enemies.

So yeah, I'm going to run around with a ton of murder machines weighing me down while I paint fences, pull weeds, and chase cats because the root of success is habits, and as the Zedline Remix of Polozhenie played in my head once more I stepped out into another day of the grind.