I Own You

"The three of you are fucked in the head and I only have six months to unfuck you before the Chunin Exams come round and I promote out of this madhouse." I told the team as we exited the tower, "From now on I own your asses. The chain of command is me, Baru, Baru's shits while they are still steaming, Kakashi, any particularly wise grasshoppers we may encounter, Baru's shits after they are cold and dry, and then the both of you." I finished while pointing at the pair of Naruto and Sakura.

"Who died and put you in charge?" Naruto demanded.

"EVERYONE KAKASHI EVER LOVED!" I bellowed in his face, "So if you don't want to wind up as a sad sap sack of shit like him you will fall in line. You don't know shit! I will teach you! You will learn by the numbers, and by this time six months from now the pair of you will be some of the finest Shinobi in my beloved Konoha Ninja Corps or I will end you myself and spare the village the shame of having raised you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

Sakura looked absolutely terrified, not an uncommon state of being for her at this point in her life, Naruto was ready to throw down and Kakashi looked bored.

"You are aware that I am in charge of this cell, correct?" Kakashi demanded with that hip and cool disinterested tone of his.

"If I want to learn how to get lost in the past, I'll call you." I turned on him still hot off the verbal beatdown of my peers, "So unless you plan on dedicating actual time and effort into turning this team into actual ninja, then you can kindly fuck off back to the memorial stones."

"Okay, that's it!" Naruto shouted as he threw a looping overhand right at me then his head bounced back and his nose started bleeding.

"Which hand did I just hit you with?" I demanded as he reeled in surprise.

"WHa?" The boy got out before I punched him in the nose again faster than he has ever seen anyone move.

"Which hand did I just hit you with?" I repeated, "Left or right?"

"L..left?" his response earned him another punch to his battered nose.

"Which hand?" I demanded.

"I don't know?" Naruto yelled in response, "I couldn't see it!"

"Do you know why you couldn't see the punches?" I asked then turned to our frightened teammate, "What about you Sakura? Do you know?"

"Y…you moved too fast for his eyes to see?" she offered, quite unsure of herself.

"I moved too fast…" I gazed at her, "Well isn't that something. Especially so considering that the eyes of a chakra incapable civilian are able to see images that are only there for 1/220th of a second. If I could land a punch in that frame of time I'd have turned Naruto into fucking vapor! No, the reason you didn't see the punch coming is because the village has failed you! Failed to train your dynamic vision, your reaction speed. Look at your bodies. You two are fucking pathetic. But I will unfuck you, and it starts at the training ground tomorrow at 0500. I will train you, feed you, teach you, lead you. I WILL MAKE YOU INTO REAL FUCKING NINJA OR YOU WILL DIE TRYING!"

"I believe you meant or 'I will die trying?'" Kakashi chuckled despite the verbal abuse sent his way.

"Why the fuck would I die?" I asked him, "If they can't hack it I will PT them to death!"

"While that was all very interesting, this is my team, Genin." Kakashi asserted his dominance and failed because I knew what a worthless sack of shit he is right now, unable to fight with his Sharingan for even ten minutes straight without giving himself a case of chakra exhaustion so severe he's down for a week.

"Then you will have to be there with the rest of them, and they will be their because if I have to track you two down tomorrow I will gauge out your eyes and skull fuck you both!"

As I walked away from them I heard Kakashi sigh, "Anti-social brat, huh? Hit the nail on the head."

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I returned home more exhausted than at any time in recent memory, quite thankful that both Mom and Hana were out of the village on missions, as I'd drained the fuel tank for social interactions today and I just wanted to chill in my workshop and eat meat and mushrooms till my belly hurt. Baru quite vocally agreed with that plan.

While I waited for my venison to heat up I retreated into my home away from home and stood in front of my aquariums, a real bitch of a purchase to convince Tsume of, and an even bigger bitch to fill. The different aquariums housed several species of jellyfish, turtles, and lobsters.

For those zoologically inclined you can likely guess that Orochimaru should eat his heart out, as these animals lived his dream every day. The jellyfish are capable of turning back the biological clock and returning to an earlier state in their life cycle, essentially saying fuck you I'm going home to father time. The turtles possess organs that simply don't break down over time at all, and require outside sources to end their existence, and lastly the lobsters who spend their entire lives in a constant state of renewal until the molting process murders them.

But Kiba, water bears are the most unkillable animal and basically live forever so long as they don't get digested. I hear you, fam, but I raise you the fact that water bears extend their lifespan via the most powerful form of hibernation known. If you want to live forever so bad you are willing to sleep so hard your brain isn't even functioning for centuries at a time, do you fam, I'll be running around just as Immortal breeding all the big tiddie hos while you nap.

And I'd already done it sort of via the lobsters, who unlike other animals never halt the production of telomerase - the enzyme that repairs damaged DNA - as they age. Lobsters never lower their reproductive ability, never slow their metabolism, and never weaken. In fact they become more virile and powerful as time goes on.

All I needed to do is get my body producing telomerase again, something that slows to a halt after the embryonic stage in humans, without interrupting my body's natural maturation process and let's face it, chakra has produced much wilder effects than reminding the body that it is actually immortal.

Research on jellyfish and turtles still pending.

Because of this induced mutation I can now spam full power full body healing jutsu without fear of senescence or non deliberate mutation. It's cost prohibitive, but I have Chakra to burn especially since the mutation raised the quality of my Physical Energy to the highest I have ever had the pleasure of studying. Likely to the level of the immortal space gods that infected the setting at the end of Shippuden.

My research into raising the quality of Spiritual Energy has produced lesser results though I am on the right track. I just need to get my dad to find out if any of the toads produce psychoactive toxins. Magic Mushrooms and DMT both produced substantive quality improvements and even raised total capacity for Spiritual Energy in all the subjects I tested including myself. Never has anyone ever gotten human testing subjects faster than when I pulled out a bag of mushrooms at a clan barbeque and asked 'Who wants to trip?'

Who'd have thought that near feral dog people who live in the woods like to get high?

The mushrooms produced a mild effect, but DMT - a substance produced naturally in many plants and animals - was a big jump, and I can thank Joe Rogan for the giant leap forward in my Spiritual Energy.

Everybody has naturally different qualities for Physical and Spiritual Energy and this contributes greatly to the total Chakra their system can produce. As far as I can tell, this is why Kakashi in part one is so weak compared to all his other showings. The guy is at the lowest point in his adult life. He is treating his body like crap and his mind has been in the gutter so long it can't remember what anything else looks like.

Throughout the story, Kakashi gets his shit together, whips his body back into fighting shape, deals with his demons, and when the Fourth Shinobi World War breaks out the guy who used to not be able to handle a ten minute fight can now fight for days like all the other major league shinobi.

It was a complex system that kind break's down like this Physical Energy + Spiritual Energy = Chakra and in a regular person 1+1=2. In part one Kakashi 1+1=1. For someone like Naruto 1+1=30. But in his case the qualities of his energy are so out of whack it comes with major side effects like inability to focus and hyperactivity. You see something similar with the Nara who are so Spiritually inclined that they are prone to depression and lethargy.

The Heaven and Earth poem written on the tower in the forest of death may seem a bit flowery and pretentious, but it is no joke. A shinobi needs to work hard to balance out their energies, otherwise you suffer.

Yeah, that is totally it and not the fact that Kishi changed his vision of what combat in Naruto was supposed to be as the story progressed and wanted Kakashi to stay relevant.

I plated my dinner and put the rest of the meat and mushrooms in Baru's bowl before we settled in and got to planning how to prove to everyone that I am the best nana nana boo boo. I don't have much time to turn Naruto and Sakura into real shinobi. At best I can get them to Journeyman level in two skill sets and fix their disgusting bodies. But Naruto does have them Shadow Clones. That's something.

That's a silver lining.