How I Met Your Mother Part 2

"Ah, coming at her through her brother. Working the angles. Nice." Jiraiya gave me a thumbs up as he jotted down notes from my story, "Now would you describe what you did to her as 'tearing it up' or 'pumping it right'?"

"Pumping it right for sure. She was a virgin after all." I nodded at the easy question, "Now what I did to her this morning was tearing it up."

"That's my boy!" my dad shouted as he pumped his fist in the air.

"Ghurk!" the Hokage gasped as he grasped his chest over his heart.

Jiraiya and I turned to the old man in absolute horror as he gasped and contorted, before finally taking in a deep deep breath and sitting back upright in his chair.

"Forgive me boys." The old man huffed, "I just had a minor heart attack when I realized that you two are the only chance for my lineage as a sensei to continue."

"Don't worry old timer." I flexed my bicep and pointed my thumb at my face, "All my students will learn how hip and cool you are."

"And I absolutely passed down your awesomeness to my students." Jiraiya grinned then frowned, "But they all died… so it's up to Kiba."

"Yes, that's what hit me just then." Hiruzen sighed, "Continue, young Kiba."

"Alright, after lunch I took them around town and we hit dinner, then came the final push in my mission…

"It wasn't a mission." Hiruzen interrupted my flashback intro.

"Right, it wasn't a mission." I winked at the old man who face palmed at my antics, "So I took them to the bath house to get cleaned off, you know the swanky silica spring…

"Oooo nice choice, kid." Jiraiya grinned and jotted down another note.

"Fucking hell, are you guys ever going let me get this flashback no jutsu started?" I growled at the pair and they both silently nodded, "So as I was saying…

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"I'm afraid you'll have to use the mixed baths." the proprietor stated, "Sorry about that, but an article came out saying that Sasuke Uchiha preferred his girls to have their skin conditioned by our hot spring, and since then both the women's and the men's baths have been full."

"Why would the baths be full just because of the preferences of this 'Sasuke Uchiha'?" Gaara demanded of the elderly proprietor.

"Well you see young man, Sasuke Uchiha is the most eligible bachelor in Konoha. Elegant looks, dignified comportment, and lots and lots of money!" the proprietor giggled that last line, "All the girls in Konoha are trying to nab him, a lot of boys too. And so when that article came out I've been having to fight them off from packing themselves in like canned sardines. Only reason the mixed baths aren't packed is because they can't stand the sight of each other. Tribal the whole lot of them."

"You wrote the article, didn't you?" I looked the man dead in the windows to the soul and all I saw was a man about the grind, stacking his paper.

"Obviously not." the old man lazily smiled and cooled himself off with his paper fan.

"Don't worry. I don't stand between a man and his meals." I nodded, "But did you have to do it right before the Chunin Exams. I'm supposed to work these guys with the ol' razzle dazzle."

"That article came out months ago." The man deadpanned.

"Such staying power~!" I shouted in mirth.

"Ah Sasuke. The gift that keeps on giving." the man kept up his lazy smile.

"Is anyone in the mixed baths right now?" I asked the man.

"Nah, they're empty." he answered.

"Then I am renting them out for the next couple of hours." I told him and put the money down.

"Pleasure doing business with you." The man cooed.

"You don't think I am bathing with all of you, do you?" Temari scoffed.

"Temari…" Gaara growled and the girl tensed up, "Stop making us look like uncultured swine. Therapeutic bathing has almost a hundred years of research behind it. Come."

The girl woodenly nodded then stiffly marched to the locker room where we stripped down and the proprietor brought us various soaps and scrubs and scrubbers for the shower section of the experience.

Baru'd already gone home as apparently Tour Guide Kiba is a boring Kiba, leaving me alone with foreigners.

I didn't say anything when Gaara brought his gourd to the bathing area. It would be like taking a safety blanky from a toddler. A safety blanky he uses to crush people to death.

The old man brought me this body polish that left me feeling silky smooth even before I dipped into the mineral bath with a hot towel on my head.

A petite redhead slipped into the bath next to me, and usually I'd be down with that, but Gaara is just not my type. It's not him, it's me. I've just never seen a guy I'd like to fuck. No shame anyone's way, it's just how I am. I was born this way.

Gaara eyed me from under his head towel, "What do you know of proving existence? What is this biological imperative you speak of?"

"Hmmm…" I sounded as I enjoyed the resurrected bath culture in this post-apocalyptic world, "The Biological Imperative are the requirements to perpetuate a beings existence from most base to most profound, they are: Survival, Territorialism, Competition, Reproduction, Quality of Life Seeking, and finally Group Forming. Those are all a part of us passed down from our ancestors who successfully lived their lives, but we can also apply them to legacy.

Survival: Those who die scrub deaths will forever be scrubs.

Territorialism: Those who will die for nothing, lived for nothing, and are not worth remembering.

Competition: We are judged by the quality of the opposition we overcame."

"Yes, you understand." Gaara interrupted with a manic gleam to his eyes.

"Reproduction: The physical manifestation of our legacy in life. As our blood passes down through the generations our strength is validated.

Quality of Life-Seeking: No one gives a fuck about poor people. Those who have wealth are admired and remembered.

Group Forming: The greatness of the entire group is remembered as the greatness of the leader. By becoming a great leader, we establish a vast network contributing to our legacy. And the greatest leaders will be remembered for all time."

Gaara looked at his hands and then at me, "This is a revelation." he declared.

"You were already half way there, you just needed someone to show you the rest of the path." I nodded to the fucked up kid.

"Thank you, Kiba Sensei." Gaara responded.

"Teacher for a day, father for a lifetime." I replied, "You're welcome, son."

"Yes…" Gaara mused, "Father."

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"Oh this seduction just took on a whole new freaky context!" Jiraiya shouted in glee.

"So not only have you deflowered the Kazegage's daughter…" Hiruzen started.

"Thoroughly." I interrupted causing the man's eyes to widen in frustration.

"Not only have you raised international tension by FUCKING THE KAZEKAGE'S DAUGTHER!" Hiruzen took a page out of Iruka's book and hit the last part with the Big Head Jutsu, "You also brainwashed his son into taking you as his father."

"Pretty much." I shrugged.

"Did you at least not fuck up with the middle kid?" Hiruzen grumbled like a grumpy old man in need of a nap.

"About that…

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Kankuro fell on his knees at the sight of my workshop's puppet factory.

"What kind of Holy Land of Puppetry have I entered?" Kankuro gasped in awe, "I never want to leave.

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"GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!"