21 Conditions Met

"That's my win." I grinned as my cast of scissors defeated Sakura's paper and I pulled out two brutal sets of pliers designed for working flesh rather than wire with menacing crocodile teeth like spikes lining the edges.

"Oh Naruto, can't you just use clones to do this. I'd be ever so grateful." Sakura wheedled while getting up close to the previously defeated blonde.

"Step back, wench!" Naruto shouted as he entered a fighting stance, "I won't give you my seed!"

Sakura recoiled from the boy as if burned, with a face full of surprise.

"NARUTO!" she growled as her countenance fell and she prepared for violence.

"Chop chop you two, we have an execution to put on." I interrupted their quarrel, "I told these people you are professionals. You're embarrassing me."

Stipped naked and wired to a crucifix hung the leader of the Watari Ninja Clan, Hoki, the man who had been masquerading as the Daimyo's advisor Moso. We'd already hung his dead associates from the castle walls, and now were set to complete our assignment from the Daimyo in front of a gathering from those living here in the capital of the Land of Birds.

Sakura and Naruto steeled themselves as they stared at the implements of execution in their hands.

"Good people of the Land of Birds." I orated, "By the Order of the Daimyo, the Watari Ninja Clan have been destroyed for their crimes within the country, and their leader is to be publicly executed. Proceed."

Obviously I didn't need to say what Daimyo ordered the execution, better to let them think their own leader has a grip on the country.

Naruto and Sakura approached the grim faced man who spat at them, "Do your worst."

He then immediately proceeded to howl the most inhuman wail ever heard in these parts the moment the pliers bit into his tender nut flesh.

"This pain is unimaginable!" Hoki screeched, "My testicles are being pulled! Pulled in different directions! One is being pulled left and the other is being pulled right. The skin of my scrotum is being stretched to its limits! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! They have pulled too far, my scrotum has torn asunder! My testicles are unraveling as they slip out of the pliers! Thank God I will soon bleed to death because this agony is beyond belief!"

Hoki's play by play greatly disturbed the townsfolk, and there was much weeping and a few men vomited including Naruto. The pair of executioners abandoned their task and stepped away from the man with shaking hands.

"OOOOOOHHHHHH!" Hoki cried, "I feel my life slipping away! The sweet release of death is upon me now! Soon I will shed this mortal coil and be troubled no longer! Any minute now!"

Hoki's riveting narration of his final thoughts and feelings continued for a long while, keeping the crowd and myself hanging in suspense as the man passed oh so incredibly slowly. In his final moments, Hoki locked eyes with me, and I watched as his spirit abandoned its flesh for the Pure World.

I shuddered at the intimate moment, and it took me a few minutes to regain my composure. Slipping into my new habit of regularly molding Sensory Chakra - especially so when on missions - I took a deep inhale and the chakra signatures within twenty miles became known to me.

"OH SHIT!" I shouted as I felt two massive signatures approaching at great speed, one at least three times larger than Naruto's - the largest chakra signature in our village.

"What's wrong?" Sakura questioned with an on edge tone.

"We got two massive signatures approaching, five minutes out!" I shouted at the two of them and took another inhale, "Fuck! They sped up, three minutes!"

"Alright, everyone scatter!" Naruto shouted and put out a platoon of clones, "Anyone that needs help evacuating raise your hands, I'll carry you!"

"Baru!" I shouted as my dog transformed into a copy of me and I threw him the Octoblender, which he caught on chakra strings while I drew Kubikiribocho.

I kept Kusanagi hidden within Lord Fluff Fluff as a terrible surprise.

The team withdrew from the castle and the heart of the town, and the incoming signatures changed course to intercept us. We'd put just over a hundred yards between us and the outskirts of the small capital of the Land of Birds when the pair landed roughly thirty yards ahead of us.

They wore matching uniforms of high collared black great coats with the occasional red cloud spaced throughout. Kisame Hoshigaki and Itachi Uchiha, just about the worst duo a man could run into in this life.

The blue skinned man reached over his shoulder and pulled a living sharkskin club wrapped in bandages - Samehada, the most powerful of the Seven Ninja Swords of the Mist and one of the most hax weapons in the setting, capable of stripping even Killer Bee of his Jinchuriki cloak.

I began emitting regular pulses of chakra to clear any illusions Itachi may have already entrapped us in, not a wise option for the rank and file, but for someone like me not a problem to maintain. Naruto and Sakura felt the pulses hitting them, and were now aware of the presence of a Genjutsu practitioner.

More like a grandmaster. I'd have been fine with Sasuke reaching the end of the fight with Itachi and the man pointing to his right and Sasuke seeing his unharmed brother sitting on his throne. The man leaves people ass out everywhere he goes with his illusions.

"Your reputation precedes you, Itachi. Just feel all that chakra he's burning in an attempt to keep up with your Genjutsu." Kisame giggled, "Do you know about me too, boy?"

"Hmmm… I don't think I do." I joked, "Have you killed anyone actually worth killing? I think I'd have heard of you if you were more than a guy running around offing civilians."

"Oh such pain you inflict on me," the blue skinned man grinned revealing his sharpened teeth, "I'll have to get you back for that now."

I responded by quickly attaching Kubikiribocho's extendable handle, turning the ridiculous carving knife sword into a bit of a nagamaki. Baru moved to fight Itachi, keeping his eyes focused on the Octoblender and low down at Itachi's feet.

"Don't look at the Uchiha's eyes, and don't send jutsu at the blue man. His sword eats chakra and feeds it to him." I commanded the shaking pair with me, "Use your weapons and play for distance. Avoid engagements and delay as much as possible. Naruto, send out a bunch of clones to get help. These two are at the top of the food chain."

Naruto complied and the battle commenced as Itachi leapt into the air and started deleting vast swaths of Naruto's clones with his shurikenjutsu skill. Only the intervention of the Octoblender prevented him from popping hundreds of clones with his ridiculous trajectory bending throws.

Kisame and I banged 'swords' together - if you can actually call Samehada a sword - and I'd soon see first hand if my idea about hitting the Sharkskin Sword with a big piece of metal holds any weight. The resulting smash would have sent me flying if not for my chakra's deep grip on the soil, and as our 'blades' binded I felt the full strength of the Monster of the Hidden Mist, a man who beat to shit and chakra suppressed still managed to brute force his way out of a Wood Release prison.

It would be humbling if I didn't already understand my place in this world. Instead of some kind of worldview redefining moment were I now knew I needed to up my training and take thing seriously as I'd become complacent or some bullshit like that you'd always see in Naruto Self Insert fanfictions, I felt largely nothing about one of the most physically powerful people in the setting overpowering me. Instead of a break down, I slid Samehada into the crescent notch in Kubikiribocho and and pulled it aside as my mind connected to the hidden Kusanagi no Tsurugi and the glowing blade shot into the blue man's exposed shoulder who tried to leap away from the attack, but got caught when the blade explosively extended.

I took hold of the elongated sword and yanked it up, leaving Kisame staring at the barely connected arm. He grunted as the wound steamed and healed back up leaving a nasty scar of reconnected tissue.

"You poisoned the blade." he spat, "Good for you."

With a spin I chucked Kubikiribocho at him, which he casually batted away, and activated the internal components of the Lighting Chakra Mode. The Justu needed the external component to achieve a greater boost to my parameters, but the spike in my chakra caused the blue man's round eyes to narrow as I powered up.

I closed distance in a burst of incredible speed arriving in the shadow of his parry, but Kisame still managed to get Samehada into a defensive position. All according to plan.

The living weapon wriggled and shrieked as the peerlessly sharp and durable Kusanagi no Tsurugi cleaved deeply into it from my two handed full strength slash. Kisame disengaged again as his eyes bugged at the sight of his injured weapon.

"Have the Kiba Blades ever managed to do that? Hmmmm?" I chuckled in pleasure as blood dripped down from the growling Samehada, "Because I do believe that I have the sharpest sword in the world right here in my hands. Compliments of Orochimaru."

"I'll remember that next time I see him." Kisame growled in a similar tone to his 'sword'.

"We're done here." I heard Itachi say from behind me.

I pulsed my chakra to clear the illusion, but instead had to use the Fang Passing Fang to explosively leapt into the real man's kunai attack, shredding his sleeve, but failing to cut the man with my sword as even nearing blindness his eyes are still Sharingan.

Over his shoulder he toted the unconscious Naruto.

I landed near the destroyed Octoblender and my panting dog with a kunai jammed under his ribs and a concussed Sakura trying to wobble her way back to her feet. In the enemy hands lay Naruto, Ninja Jesus, and I have no idea if this Itachi is actually a good guy as that was one hundred percent a Shippuden Retcon.

"Conditions met, motherfuckers!" I roared from deep in the chest, like an animal rather than a human, and the Lighting Chakra Mode burst into life around me, my long hair lifting like a brown rip off of Super Saiyan Three as the thick coat of thunder surrounded me in power.

"Oh shi…" Kisame managed to get out as I appeared before him with a Lighting Release: Body Flicker, the clap of thunder arriving long after me.

Kisame tried a golf swing as he shouted, and the blade of Kusanagi came down once more on the same cut into Samehada, this time with the force of a collapsing mountain behind it. The blue man gaped in shock at his sword, now as fully sundered as Hoki's scrotum.

My return stroke saw fit to deliver the man into four separate pieces in a single strike, but a flaming red hand violently grabbed me and pounded me into the ground. My Lighting Chakra Mode protected me from any damage, but it did not protect me from coming eye to eye with the man at the origin of the fiery construct.

And the blue sky burnt away into the blood red sky of the Tsukuyomi.