Chapter 31

There was enough rice and vegetables to get me full. I do wish he cooked more meat but I shouldn't complain. Everything was so good! And it was unexpected, so I feel truly blessed.

"Snowe..." It always feels like time stops whenever he says my name. "I need you to realize I'll always come back to you, and if I'm upset, I will talk to you about it because I want to stay with you. I made a commitment to you," He was looking at me in the dimly lit kitchen then he placed his hand on mine.

"I believe you... I'm sorry I panicked... I guess I'm confused because... No one has ever loved me before, not even my family so... it's hard for me to believe you won't abandon me. I mean they'd say they loved me sometimes but were quick to abandon me or ignore me so it's hard for me to expect differently from you," He then squeezed my hand and I felt my eyes start to well up with tears, "Why me? I don't think I deserve to be treated so well by you, and it scares me because I don't know how I even earned your love. So how do I keep it!?" I'm surprised I'm being so transparent, thoughts I had forced to the back of my mind were spilling out of my mouth. "And how do I know, someone else can't just steal you away when I'm not special in the first place?!"

"In this situation, you don't need to apologize to me... I'm not upset, I'm just worried about you. I don't want to make you cry again... I don't want to take a walk and come home to you crying. There's only one scenario in which I enjoy making you cry. " I snorted, a little from trying not to laugh.

"You perv, is that all that's on your mind?" I said, mainly as a joke.

"I assure you, I'm thinking about a lot of things, all the time. It feels like I never stop thinking. So, I like to focus on causing you pleasure, making you smile; you are my oasis." His expression looked pained for a second. "I'm not sure how to explain why I feel the way I do about you..." He replied so seriously that I was taken aback. "Before I met you... Everything lacked color. I don't know how else to explain it, I was just going through the motions of life, and I took on some work that... I'm ashamed to talk to you about it. I thought it would bring excitement to my life but even that was dull and boring."

"What kind of work?" I inquired.

"... Anything that paid a lot of money. That's not the point right now, we're getting off track." How dare he say that when he's the king of conversational tangents! "I felt something when I first saw you. That's rare for me."

"I felt something when I saw you too..." I admitted.

"It's not the same thing... when I saw you, I was overcome with the desire to hurt you, I wanted to see what your face looked like distorted by pain. Maybe it was pure instinct based on what we are. But there were no warm loving feelings at that moment." That caught me by surprise. "But, seconds later when I commented on your outfit, and you ran away embarrassed. The very second I actually saw your expression change, my feelings changed with it. Your reaction was so pure and innocent, that it surprised me and I wanted to know you. I promised Rai I wouldn't hurt you, so I didn't, but the more time I spent with you, my interest in you grew. Which was also odd, because I usually lose interest in people seconds after I meet them,"

"You... wanted to attack me?" I asked shakily. I couldn't move past that detail. I never picked up on that, Zai always felt warm and safe. Maybe something was wrong with my instincts.

"I realize now, that I never felt attracted to anyone before. You awakened a dormant side of me, you intrigue me and frustrate me. No one else can do that, only you... So you are special to me... The urge to cause you pain is still there but there's no need to worry. I would never risk losing you."

"What do you mean?" I asked the man I'm now married to. His eyes flickered slightly in the dark and he cleared his throat before saying,

"You flipped a switch in me Snowe... to put it simply... if I could, I'd spend every day doing nothing except *&$#ing you." I raised my eyebrows and felt my face getting hot, "I'd never been overcome with lust before...But I love you now so... that's not possible because I want to make you happy. You have dreams I wish to support and needs I can't ignore... plus you're much more fragile than I am... So I have to go easy on you..."

"I..." I paused trying to find the words. "Thank you... for taking care of me... I can tell you how I feel about you, now, if you want." He scoffed and smirked smugly.

"I already know how you feel about me." He's so darn arrogant sometimes!

"Then... can you tell me more about how life was in Afaria? I never cared enough to learn before and I feel like I don't really." Zai moved his stool closer to mine,

"Are you saying you're interested in me too?"

"There's just things that I didn't know! Like you... Actually have families and a culture... I know it looks different than I thought it would but now I want to know how you were raised before, you went into the Glass Palace." Zai put his arm over my shoulder and groped me, "Hey?!"

"Shush, I'm trying to focus." I glared at him, does he need to squeeze my boob to focus?! He continued by saying "I grew up in a... poor area. My mother and father did love each other but there were days we went without food. It didn't bother me much but they would both cry and apologize on the days they couldn't feed me... and I didn't tell them that I wasn't hungry because I liked that they were trying so hard to take care of me. They were both of the lower class, the only thing special about them was that my mother was a local beauty. I did odd jobs, cleaning and selling things that I had stolen, to help them out. Stealing was normal, and so was murder, prioritizing yourself was too... No one outside my family cared what happened to me. Then one day when someone tried to stop me from taking something of theirs, I realized that I was incredibly strong. The person was older than me but I was able to take them down with little effort, so... I started entering fighting tournaments. The money was much easier. My town thrived on gambling and blood sports are the most popular thing to bet on. By betting on myself and winning, I was able to take home more in one night than I had in months. My parents became happy. At first, they felt bad that I was taking care of them but the stability of our finances brought them comfort. When I became locally famous they nicknamed me Little Titan and threw parties, with lots of fried food, music, and dancing in the streets... My fame was the reason I was found though... the thing that brought stability to my household also destroyed it. People saw the marks on my arm and reported me to the king, for money... and you know what happened after that."

"You've killed people?" I asked, after hearing his story.

"I'm an Afarion, of course, I killed people... as soon as we are able to stand on our own we are forced to kill others our own age because we can't afford to let feelings like pity or sympathy stop us in this war..." That is dark... I've never had to do something like that, that must have affected him deeply to be able to register something like that as normal.

"How many people?" I added. Zai stopped touching my breast and exhaled sadly,

"I'm not a psychopath, Snowe... I haven't kept count." My heart began pounding unsteadily. "That's a new look... are you afraid of me, now?" I turned to him and said,

"I just can't imagine what you went through or how you were feeling, my life was so much different than yours. My house was small but we were given food every day and were sent to school... It doesn't sound like you even got an education. We have strict laws against theft, gambling, and murder. We had fights but only in permitted zones, with absolutely no killing so... I'm trying to process how... You went through all that and you were just a child."

"Yeah... until I was 5 that was my life. I liked it, your life sounds mundane... no offense." Now I feel stupid for feeling sorry for him.

"I've never killed anyone before." Zai chuckled at my revelation,

"I already knew that. You're an Infaniyan... and a weak one, there's no way they'd send someone like you into war, or waste resources training you. I know all about your kind. But Snowe... how do you feel? Do you feel like you know me better? And... Is that a good thing?"

"I feel like... you're a confusing enigma... but I... still wish I knew you sooner, I wish we grew up together, that would give me time to understand you," I said this while turning to look at him and I was stunned to see he was even closer than he had been moments ago.

"I'm glad I met you here... If the king ever saw you... it would..." Then he cut off his own sentence and kissed me hungrily whilst holding me in a tight embrace.

"Z-Zai... we're in the kitchen," I noted, then he lifted me up by my thighs, with my arms around his shoulders, and laid me down on the living room couch, he was too impatient to go upstairs, and we made love there that night. When I awoke the next day, Zai had carried me to bed, but he was downstairs. He had washed the cushions and even cleaned up his brother's food empty boxes and clothes.

"Snowe! Where are my shoes?!" Valin yelled to me as I sleepily came into the living room.

"I don't know?" I replied, too tired to really focus or think.

"I put them away, you'll have to figure out where," Zai announced and Valin turned to him and said,

"What?! What about my Jacket?!" in a whiney voice,

"Learn to pick up your own stuff and you won't need to worry about where I put things... good luck finding it." He replied while approaching me, holding his arms open for a hug. I smirked and wrapped my arms around him and Zai spun me around, causing me to giggle and shake off some of my tiredness.

"I hate you!" Valin shouted.

"What?" Zai asked, then shot him a look I couldn't see from the angle I was standing but it must have been terrifying because Valin turned pale and said,

"Nothing! I'll look for my stuff now."