11 | peanut butter and jelly

Find something that makes you happy and don't let anyone take it away from you.

-Luke Hemmings-

_________________________

- M A T T H E W -

"What exactly are you trying to tell me, Isaac?" I sighed, picking up Toby's leash and hooking it to him as we exited the vets.

"Could we get to my car, first? I really need you to hear me out."

I frowned slightly and turned my head in his direction before nodding and following his footsteps. "Is what you want to tell me that bad? Did you sleep with someone and get them pregnant or something?"

He released an awkward laugh and breathed in shakily. It was only until we reached his car that he cleared his throat and tapped the steering wheel.

"Matthew." He quietly began. "I'm not sure whether or not Lila told you that she picked me up last night, but I was really drunk."

As he paused, I hummed in agreement. "Yeah, she called me last night."

"The thing is," he continued, starting up the engine. "I haven't been completely honest with you regarding Lila and me. And don't interrupt me, I really need to tell you before I explode with guilt."

Guilt?

"I liked, or maybe still like, Lila, and yesterday, I told her. And I know you like her, which means I'm not going to do anything more on my feelings for her, but I kissed her."

My breath hitched in the back of my throat as I felt jealousy surge through me at a stronghold at the thought of Isaac kissing Lila. "Y-you kissed her?"

"I'm sorry, Matthew." He apologised. "I was drunk and I wouldn't have done it if I didn't."

"I don't want to compete with you again, Isaac." I confessed, dragging my hands down my face. "That's the last thing I want to do. The only thing I wouldn't mind competing in with you, is who has the best hair, but with girls - with Lila, I can't do it; I won't do it."

"I really liked her - and I know you don't want to hear this, but that kiss was refreshing, and - this is the part you want to hear - I think I'm getting over her."

I closed my eyes and gripped the ends of my hair loosely. I couldn't act like him kissing her didn't hurt me, because it did. Unsurprisingly, it hurt a lot, just like it did with her. "Isaac..." I shakily spoke. "This isn't the first time you've done something like this."

There was a sharp intake of breath on his part as Toby whined quietly. "Matthew, don't bring that up."

"Why? Why can't I bring up the fact that you did the exact same thing when I was dating Vanessa?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I thought we were passed this. Matthew, this happened a year ago."

I laughed humourlessly. "I've tried to forget, Isaac. I've tried to act like I was okay, but I'm not. When you were ignoring me when I first moved here a a few months ago, it felt like it did last year, when Vanessa told me that you two had a 'thing.'"

"It wasn't a thing." He spoke, almost as if he was in pain. "We kissed a couple of times, but that was it and-"

"Are you really my friend, Isaac?"

"Yes." He emphasised. "I would do anything for you, Matthew. I admit, I've messed up a lot of times, but I thought you had forgiven me."

"I have, I just haven't forgotten. It's hard to, Isaac. It just makes me feel worthless because the only difference between me and you is my eyesight. Is it really that bad that I don't have eyesight?"

"No." He immediately answered. "You know I don't care about your eyesight."

"Well, it seems all my girlfriends did when they kissed you."

The car slowed down, and he cleared his throat loudly. "I'm sorry, okay? How many times do I need to say it? I'm sorry that I kissed Vanessa and Lila, but don't bring it up when we're arguing."

"You've done it twice, Isaac!" I sat up in my seat and tugged at the strands at the nape of my neck, my hands shaking in anger and sadness. "You've got to stop doing it. I want you to understand that I like Lila. I like her a lot, and I don't want you to mess it up for me, not again."

"Then, why do you seem to like the girls I like!" he exclaimed in response, slamming his hand onto the steering wheel.

"Shut up." I snapped, gripping the door handle. "I liked Vanessa way before you even met her, and when I finally had the courage to ask her out, you just had to kiss her. And with Lila, I didn't know you had feelings for her."

"I couldn't exactly tell-"

"Stop. You know that you could tell me anything, I'm not a rash person, I wouldn't have over reacted. And stop acting like I'm the bad guy, you told Lila I wanted to take her out on a date, if you like her, why did you do it?"

"Because I was trying to be a good friend! I want you to be happy, and Lila doesn't care about your blindness. Sh-she likes you regardless."

"But you're not happy that she likes me." I declared, my voice wavering as I tried not to yell at him.

"How am I meant to feel? But at least we're even." He articulated, slight iciness evident in his tone. "I took Vanessa, and you took Lila."

"Some best friend you are." I whispered, scoffing. "Let me out."

He released a shaky sigh, and sniffed. "M-Matthew, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry."

"You know, Isaac. You seem to be saying sorry a lot, but I know you don't actually mean it." I turned to him as I felt the car come to a stop. "I wished for luck to be on my side just this once, and do you know what I got? Bad luck. Because whenever I get a girlfriend, you're always there to fuck it up. I want to be with Lila, and I'm not going to let you take her away from me, not when I've finally gotten over Vanessa."

"I'm just upset right now, please can we talk about it in a couple of days?"

"No. I'm always the one that gets hurt, Isaac. I'm not the one in the wrong here. As soon as you realise that my love life isn't a game for you to play with when you're upset, that's when we can talk."

Opening the door, I climbed out of his car, feeling Toby jump in front and follow right behind me. "Come on, Toby." I smiled once Isaac left, gripping his harness, and running a hand through his soft hair. "Let's go home."

---

It felt weird. Isaac and I were able to go a long while without arguing about her. The only reason I had brought up the subject of the kissing incident not being a one-time thing was because I was fed up. I was completely and utterly fed up of my crushes liking my best friend more than me.

I hated competing with Isaac in that way because I'd never win. Although I was charming, I wasn't as charming or outgoing as Isaac, which unfortunately meant that girls were more attracted to him.

"Matthew!" my dad shouted up the stairs. "Lila's downstairs!"

- L I L A -

Standing at the threshold of his bedroom door, I crossed my arms over my chest, awkwardness settling into the atmosphere. "Are you okay?"

Isaac told him then.

His nose was buried in Toby's fur before he lifted his head, smiling stiffly. "Yeah, how are you?"

Pushing myself up off the door frame, I proceeded to fully enter his room, shaking off the change in his tone.

His reaction could only mean that he had feelings for me, feelings that I had no intention of rejecting. Toby jumped off his lap and slowly padded to a chewy toy at the corner of the room, comfortably settling down on the floor before he chewed the toy with glee.

Matthew scooted backwards and rested his back against the headrest, a sigh falling from his lips. "Can we talk?"

My teeth rested on my bottom lip as I applied slight pressure, twisting my fingers together before I took a seat by his feet, placing my hands in my lap.

"Is this about Isaac kissing me?" I whispered uncomfortably, noticing how his face contorted into an expression of discomfort and jealousy.

He took a deep breath in and nodded slowly, taking off his glasses and positioning them down by his thigh.  "You probably already know that I like you." He paused, and laughed breathily, deciding to put his glasses back on, so I couldn't see the emotion in his eyes. "And when Isaac told me, I was upset. I don't know why, but Isaac has a habit of kissing girls I like, like my ex-girlfriend Vanessa."

So Vanessa was the one who broke his heart.

"They had a thing whilst I was dating her, and when I actually found out, it was when she was breaking up with me."

At that, I winced, reaching for his hand. "Did she want to be with Isaac?"

He squeezed my hand and blinked hazily. "Yeah. She said that she didn't want to be with me because Isaac could offer her more than I ever could. I could never watch movies with her, so she did it with Isaac. She could never ask my advice on her clothes or how she looked, so she asked Isaac. Why she didn't ask her friends is still a mystery to me."

He slid his legs over the edge of the bed and sat beside me so his shoulder was brushing mine. Glancing at the side of his face, I frowned. "Relationships are meant to be about how that person makes you feel, how they show you that you mean everything to them, and they don't care about your flaws because your flaws are what makes you human and real."

He directed a wistful smile my way and shrugged carelessly. "Vanessa did care about that. No matter how much I showed her I loved her, she would always wish that I wasn't blind." He tightened his jaw and closed his eyes. "I can't imagine not being blind. My blindness is a part of me and makes me who I am."

He laced our fingers together and brought the back of my hand to his mouth before he placed a gentle kiss at where my wrist started.

Restraining my smile, I felt my cheeks warm immensely. "So she dumped you because you couldn't tell her that she looked pretty in a new dress or that you couldn't watch her favourite movie with her?"

"I may not have eyesight, but I don't need it to notice the beauty in people." He mumbled, biting his bottom lip. "She made me feel like shit just because I can't see, and in my opinion, that isn't beauty. Beauty is about a person's personality and how they treat people. I was so in love with her, I was blind to her personality... pun intended." He laughed with me at the end, and let go of my hand to reach for something under his bed.

He held it out for me to take, grinning nervously as I took it in my hand and placed it in my lap. "You made me a mixtape." I whispered, allowing a wide smile to grace my features. "How did you know I love mix tapes?"

"Yasmine helped me out with it, I needed to know what your favourite songs were."

Hugging him from the side, I hesitated prior to kissing his cheek, seeing how he blushed before I pulled back. "You're amazing, Matthew. Any girl who can't see that is an absolute idiot and doesn't deserve you."

Turning towards me, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest as he tucked his nose into the nape of the neck. "I'm over her, I just wish I never dated her."

His lips brushed against the bare skin of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. "Don't let it get to you anymore, any girl would be lucky to be your girlfriend.

Pulling back, his cheek was flat against mine, his lips then skimming my cheek as he tilted his head, leaning back to rest his forehead on mine. "Lila..." he whispered, "I really want to kiss you."

My heart pounded harder and faster against my chest as I felt butterflies swarm my stomach. Reaching for his glasses, I slid them from his face and threw it behind me on the bed. "Then kiss me."

Slowly, he lifted his hands and grabbed my face in between them, breathing out shakily before he closed the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine. His lips felt soft and my eyes closed of their own accord as he threaded his fingers through my hair.

"You're a really good kisser, Lila." He mumbled, pressing the tip of his nose against mine.

"It's all you." I responded, evoking a laugh from him.

As he leaned back in, Katherine's voice caused me to turn my head, Matthew's lips colliding with my cheek. "Hello, Lila." She greeted, grinning widely with her eyes full of amusement and pride. "I guess Matthew finally came to his senses and told you he likes you."

Sighing, Matthew cleared his throat. "Yes, Mom, I did."

There was something about Matthew that drew me in, and although I didn't mind falling for him, I didn't want to break Isaac's heart in the process.

_____

"Are you that upset?" I began, passing him his drink before taking a seat in front of him, the distraught expression on his face striking a chord of sympathy in me.

"Lila - I went to Matthew's house to apologise, and I saw you two kissing."

Taken aback, I lowered my eyebrows. "You did? You told me that you were getting over me, is that why you're upset?"

Tilting his head upwards, his pale blue eyes void of any emotion but sadness. "What's wrong with me, Lila? Why am I doing this to Matthew again? This is the last thing I ever want to do to him, I don't want him to feel how I'm feeling right now, but this is how he felt when Vanessa dumped him."

"So you're heartbroken?" I expressed, watching an expression of pure conflict appear on his face.

"I'm more than heartbroken," he uttered. "I don't think I'm really over you."

My surprised gaze met his as he stared at me intensely, his jaw taut before he parted his lips and blew a sigh in botheration. I really didn't want to be a part of a love triangle, but what he said next shocked me even further.

"I think I'm in love with you."